(no subject)
First roundddd.
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me why I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Clooooseddd. And you will all get your emails in the morning after I have enjoyed delicious sleep.
Character name: Kishitani Shinra
Series: Durarara!!
Age: 24
Job: Camp Plastic Surgeon
Canon:
Ikebukuro: a city that only seems peaceful and normal from the outside. On the inside, however, supernatural occurrences and all kinds of drama is constantly brewing. However, this app is about a plain-looking underground doctor named Kishintani Shinra, so let’s take a look at our eccentric, yet talented, physician. As an underground doctor, he takes care of all the questionable injures sustained by questionable people, as well as doing plastic surgery to change his client’s faces if they so require it. His personality is usually attributed to his father, who handed him a scalpel at the tender age of four to dissect a headless faerie woman, of whom he instantly fell in love with. It is because of this love he believes she doesn’t need her head to be beautiful; she is beautiful as she is.
Shinra is an odd man that only takes interest in the strange and unusual. Therefore, Shinra is seen working both “sides,” for the sake of his own interests; he helps the “good guys” by taking care of their wounds or having them stay in his home, while simultaneously lying and hiding information from others. He sees both sides of the coin and doesn’t really stand behind any one person, faction, or ideal. However, he tends to ramble and launch into long monologues while assuming everyone cares about what he’s saying - to the point other characters tune him out while he continues to go on and on. That said, he’s very capable at what he does, and became a doctor at a young age due to his father giving him plenty of opportunities to learn and study.
Sample Entry:
Good evening! As Camp Fuck U Die’s new plastic surgeon, I would assume you’re here for a little nip and tuck to get rid of an imperfection or two? I have to admit, my work in the plastic surgery field wasn’t exactly for beautification purposes, but I’m sure I can put my years of experience into making you absolutely dazzling. Are you worried that Miss Sayre wasn’t thoughtful enough to hire a doctor with experience to look after you? I can’t exactly say I’m the best choice - especially considering the clientele I keep! - But for now, let’s take a look at you.
You’re probably thinking, “this guy is just some weirdo in a lab coat, playing pretend.” Am I right? Please, relax. It’s perfectly normal to think that, but trust me, I’m a real doctor! I have never disappointed a client. And like I alluded to before, my clients are not exactly the kind of people you want to disappoint! So if you think about it, doing into my rather questionable line of work forced me to make as few mistakes as possible!
And now you’re probably thinking, “underground doctor? That doesn’t sound safe at all!” It really wasn’t, for me. But let me tell you - I know what’s connected to your hip bone, and when I do surgery it’s not like I learned from playing a DS game. You can’t slow down time to do a surgery - real life is set to the “Nightmare” difficulty level! But I did play with REAL operations when I was quite young... while some children grow up watching silly sentai shows and filling their minds with fun, pointless nonsense, I grew up with a scalpel in my hand. Why do you think I’m a professional at such a young age? I think this was my destiny, you know? Oh, but here I am rambling on and on.
“Destiny? Why would a man of science and medicine believe in that?” See, I attempted to predict your thoughts again! I guess I believe some things are simply inevitable - be it from action and respective consequence, or through some mysterious force. There are things in this world that simply defy all scientific explanation! Except certain “miracles” - that’s simple science at work! Science is all around you, and you don’t even know it... it’s just there in the air! In fact, science IS air - did you know that both gorillas and humans need oxygen to live, but oxygen only takes up approximate 21% of the air we breathe? The air around us is mostly nitrogen, and - p-please stop, you’ll break my arm-! I’ll get back on task! I’m sorry!
I don’t understand why you’d want any plastic surgery, though... to be honest, people are best left as they are. There’s no need to cover things up or hide any flaws - to do so would be to hide one’s true form. And it is that true form that one falls in love with, is it not? Well, it’s not like my place to say this to you anyways, considering I’m supposed to be the professional being paid to do this for you, but I feel like I know this better than anyone else. Then again, love makes you crazy.
But that’s normal, isn’t it? You could say, my life is average.
Poll Vote!
Character: Jeff Winger
Series: Community
Age: presumably early 30s
Job: Counsel for the Director
Canon: Community is a television show about seven radically different students attending Greendale Community College who form a study group -- and ~*bonds for life*~ -- and navigate community college life and the ridiculousness that it may entail. The show follows their exploits as they do everything from making the production of the coveted cafeteria chicken fingers into a quasi-crime syndicate to crazy Rambo-esque paintball showdowns to somehow managing to get a flag with a butt on it voted in as the official Greendale Community College flag. Sometimes, they even study.
Jeff Winger is the de facto leader of this insane group. Snarky, glib, and cynical to no end, Jeff used to work as a lawyer before the Colorado Bar Association found out that his degree came from Colombia the country and not Colombia University. Whoops! In order to keep from being completely disbarred, Jeff attends Greendale to get a legitimate degree. More often than not, Jeff is sarcastic and treats the other members of his study group with mild disdain. Pop culture-related zingers are a part of his vocabulary! He can be competitive and cutthroat, often to ridiculous degrees, and gets a certain amount of satisfaction out of being the leader of the study group, even if it is an unenviable position. The group does, however, bring out another side in Jeff, something he refers to as "catching feelings."
Sample Post:
My client, Elizabeth Sayre, is unfortunately unable to be present at today's hearing to address the numerous complaints that the "campers" in this facility have raised against her. But with me as her counsel? I don't think we're going to have any problems with the whole absentee-ism issue. Besides, from the looks of this panel, that's going to be the least of our problems. I know that technically speaking, I'm currently not a licensed professional due to a small caveat the state bar had, but if we're going to nitpick with caveats here - I'm pretty sure all three of you could be considered legally dead. Let's keep this simple - you don't ask for my credentials, and I won't go looking into yours.
Let's cut to the chase and address the list of grievances or, as I like to call it, the list of "cry more." I mean, come on. This list looks like it was compiled by people who whine more than Sarah Palin, Paris Hilton, and those tools from "The Hills" combined. At the top of the list is "we can't have sex." Look, I'm hardly an expert, but from the summer camps I can remember? Sex wasn't on the list of camp activities. Summer camp is all about useless activities that no one actually does anymore. You make friendship bracelets, go on hikes, and nearly lose three fingers trying to whittle a log. I mean, who the hell whittles these days? Kids in summer camp. That's who.
And that relates to complaint number two: "we can't have real sugar." Last I checked, this place is a summer camp which is, by definition, a "supervised programs for teens and children." This isn't "The Biggest 16 and Pregnant Loser" camp and if it is, I want someone to lend me their shotgun after this hearing. By banning sugar products and forcing those in her facility to use substitutes like Splenda and occasionally sawdust, my client is trying to promote a healthy lifestyle. We may demonize those who have declined to renew lucrative deals with companies like Coca-Cola and Nestle to hawk their products to the youth in their attempts to guide the youth and instill a sense of good health and- what am I saying? That's possibly the dumbest thing I've ever heard and no one should be shocked to hear that several states for some reason are out of cash. But regardless of that, somehow, in her little rustic and probably not bankrupt utopia, my client is attempting to foster good health by providing at least three square and sugarless meals a day. And there are people actually complaining about that?
Look. Let me level with you here - my client has funds for a legal team that would put OJ's to shame. Even if any of these claims actually had any merit, does anyone here seriously think it's going to make a difference? Because I don't. You guys may think she's psychotic? But I know she's psychotic. My client has no comment on any of these matters because I haven't even been able to speak with her about them. That's how much she cares. It's a good thing I care less than she does, because I was done with this hearing and this place about five minutes ago. Do we really need to address complaints three through five-hundred and thirty-six? "There's an impenetrable barrier that-" ...
Point of order: can I sue my own client? Or would that count as a conflict of interest.
Poll Vote!
Character: Vice Admiral Monkey D. Garp
Series: One Piece
Character Age: old
Job: Morale Improver aka CAMPER PUNCHINIST
Canon:
One Piece is the magical pirate canon born from the love of DBZ armpits. The main character, Luffy, travels around the world in an awesome boat, picking up people in need of some friendship punched into them and turning them into the best damn pirate crew the world has ever seen as he journeys to become the Pirate King. Wacky adventures are had, zany powers are gained and many, many foods are consumed.
Vice Admiral Monkey D. Garp, nicknamed "Garp the Fist", is on the opposite side of all things pirate - the Marines, enforcers of the law and will of the World Government. He also happens to be Luffy's grandpa, a fact which is made abundantly clear when he greets his grandson with his PUNCH OF LOVE and shounen hero Luffy cries in fear. This is, of course, after he walks through a wall just for the cool look of it. Grandpa Garp always wanted his grandsons Luffy and Ace to become Marines and raised them the way any loving shounen guardian does: by constantly endangering their lives in ridiculous ways, laughing obnoxiously the whole time, possibly while also wearing his amazingly professional doggy mask.
Sample Post:
GET UP! Sleeping in till five - show some decent shame! Grovel for an apology and then stand up- then stand up again after you've received the Fist of Love! Back when I was in training, we were up every day before the dawn! You'd better prepare yourselves for the training of your lives, because that's what you get when you sign up for the Marines!
First task: board up the wall I just broke down! Remember, when trying to make a good entrance, go for the coolest possible option. You in the back with the weak ankles, you get a special mission: take my dog mask to be laundered…while wearing this brain suit! Gotta run fast or the zombies'll catch up! BWAHAHAHA!
You skinny kids over there - you're on a feeding mission! We need to beef your bones up, so get down to the forest and find the barrel of steaks I left there. You'll probably have to fight your way past some bears, but what's a feast without something to feast for! GET GOING AND BRING THAT BARREL BACK WITH YOU, EMPTY! Then take it to the Mess Hall and clean it, it has to be returned by six tonight.
Sad-looking group in the corner, you’re about to get the cheering up of a lifetime! Cartwheel your way to the latrines and wash that crap off your face, doubletime! I want to see those arms moving, although this tiger I’m sending after you probably wouldn’t mind if you took it a little slower! BWAHAHAHA!
The rest of you, pick up a weapon and get in a circle! You all look pretty in shape, so let’s see what skills you’ve got. Aha, weak ankles is back - and with almost no bites! Not bad, not bad...now put on the backup brains suit and go get me some popcorn. I want it buttered and I want it back before the third bout!
BWAHAHAHA! Don't try to duck - no one escapes my Fist of Love!
Poll Vote!
Character name: Inorganic Angel Rosiel
Series: Angel Sanctuary
Age: COMPLICATED but (most of the time) looks somewhere in his twenties.
Job: Drug Distribution Counselor
Canon: God is sleeping and Heaven is ruled by angels with more than just skeletons in their closets; here you'll find murder plots, corruption, rapist killer babies, insane and rotting people and a variety of other things less virtuous than would be expected of somewhere holy. On Earth, Setsuna Mudou is a rowdy Japanese student who happens to be the latest reincarnation of The Organic Angel Alexiel, one half of a twin pair of angels created by God. Alexiel was branded as fallen by the heavenly authorities for having rebelled against God, and sentenced to a never ending chain of reincarnation and early, brutal deaths. Setsuna is the first reincarnation to break free of the cycle of violence and rebirth to face Heaven's debauched politics.
Alexiel's twin brother, The Inorganic Angel Rosiel, is stunningly beautiful and one of the most influential and powerful beings in Heaven. If only he wasn't also bugfuck insane. Rosiel was once kind and benevolent, but after being cursed to age in reverse, turn younger and rot from the inside, his mind twisting beyond recognition. He knew he'd lose his mind long before it happened, which is why he asked Alexiel to kill him while he still was sane, but she merely sealed him away. Now free and roaming the Heavens for power, Rosiel's "benevolence" is heavily laced with sadistic badtouch overtones and a crippling desire to control and have people tell him he's the prettiest being alive. Outwardly, he's a cunning tactician and master of persuasion, winding people around his finger with manipulation and sweet lies. Inwardly, Rosiel keeps no sense of self-worth, and hates his ugly soul and how he keeps decaying. To prevent this, his ultimate goal is to get his hands on his sister's body and soul to retain his beauty and be with her forever.
Sample:
What a disgusting place I've happened upon. I thought it would be a little more interesting, sporting a name like that, but when you take sins of the flesh so far it's hanging off your bones, it just loses its appeal. Disgusting trash should be disposed of, and replaced with new and functional things, don't you agree? Maybe that's why you're crying out for help-- "Will you help us, pretty please?". No? Brains, was it? My, you're quite demanding, for a mindless being... Ah, I suppose I could do something, if only to remove your unsightly display from my view. Mhm, you should consider yourself quite lucky and be grateful that The Inorganic Angel Rosiel is gracing you with his holy presence. I wouldn't even be here if I hadn't felt the presence of my most precious sister...
Hmph, is my name too difficult to remember? The sheer audacity. I just told it to you too. Well, I believe I can remedy that and make you more pleasant to look at. I have the perfect medicine for beauty. It's apparently my job here to distribute it, after all, but only if you keep from being naughty~ --Oh, don't you start getting fresh with me, you detestable piece of waste! I've killed people for less. Don't assume being a beautiful angel means I'll always show you kindness? Hahahaha! Oh, I am beautiful as you say. Aah yes, say it again! I like it-- wait. Your words lack conviction. How completely useless. You're left with only flesh and desire, almost like my own personal puppets but much too simple.
Oh... there are more of you. How utterly repulsive. I'm so sorry, but your friend seemed to have lost his head. He was getting a little bit too familiar, and I don't take well to such behaviour. ...I cannot make myself clear enough to you, can I? Your moaning for brains is definitely warranted. We need to do something about that, and replace those missing limbs while we're at it too. I guess I should sometimes show mercy upon poor unfortunate souls in so much pain and need. If you can be helpful, tell me a little more about this place and help me find my sister since she seems to enjoy mingling with the miserable, wretched lower beings. Pathetic! I'll help you restore your lost beauty in return. Hopefully you have enough of a cerebrum left to make the medicine work. Because, you see, your own brains are pretty worthless lumps of meat, barely able to retain the power to make you move and I'm surprised you haven't fallen apart quicker than this.
... I'm bored already. I'd make you my new pet, if you could provide me better information and entertainment, but this is a waste of my time. If you're just going to be disobedient, I will be forced to take certain counter measures, and we don't want that, now do we? Just give me information, and perhaps I'll re-think and give you the privilege of being my servant, instead of killing you. You will kneel and you will beg, you will crawl on the floor, pleading for mercy... and I might take pity on you. So? Get on with it!
Poll Vote!
Character name: Supervisory Special Agent Dr. Spencer Reid
Series: Criminal Minds
Character Age: mid- to late twenties
Job: Resident Expert on Everything
Canon: Criminal Minds centers around the members of the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit. Based out of Quantico, Virginia, the BAU travels around the country, usually at the behest of local law enforcement departments, to assist them in solving particularly difficult crimes. As the name of the show implies, they do this by attempting to get into the head of the unsub (short for unknown subject) believed responsible, creating a psychological profile of the unsub that will hopefully aid in finding him or her. Yes, they fight crime.
The youngest, and arguably the most danger-prone, member of his team, Reid is an autodidact with an IQ of 187, an eidetic memory, multiple college degrees (three PhDs by age twenty, plus two additional BAs, with a third BA in progress) and the ability to read 20,000 words per minute. Unfortunately, his vast array of knowledge doesn’t really extend to social skills, which can make his interactions with others very awkward; he stammers, he babbles, he has a tendency to go off on odd conversational tangents and he frequently doesn’t know when to shut up. He’s not necessarily trying to be annoying; he just doesn’t always remember that not everyone wants to hear a mini-dissertation on whatever topic has caught his attention. Still, his garrulousness has worked in his favor at times, as he has successfully talked down or distracted more than one unsub without a fight... although his knack for getting into situations where he has to talk down an unsub is somewhat less helpful. Then again, Reid has said he does "some of [his] best work under intense terror."
Note: Reid is an inveterate coffee drinker who spends an estimated $50 on the stuff per week.
Sample Entry: Historically speaking, the consumption of brains is a relatively new addition to zombie lore. Actually, much of what we would term "zombie lore" is quite recent; the majority stems from either George Romero's film Night of the Living Dead or Dan O'Bannon’s Return of the Living Dead, although those zombies in the former film were referred to mostly as ghouls, and indeed, flesh-eating has traditionally been associated with mythological ghouls rather than zombies, who historically speaking were simply the reanimated dead. Romero was more interested in zombies as a metaphor for various social issues - rampant consumerism, for example.
...O-of course, none of you look particularly metaphorical, although you do resemble Romero's zombies in a number of ways. The slow shambling, for one, and the, uh, the lack of standard conversational skills. Oddly enough, while Romero zombies do consume human flesh, brain-eating as a concept is specifically tied to O'Bannon zombies; Romero zombies merely consume flesh as an echo of things they did in life - not cannibalism specifically, but food consumption in general. O'Bannon zombies, on the other hand, require brain matter as a means of alleviating the constant pain of decomposition. Obviously, it may be different for you -
...E-excuse me? My brain? You - you want to eat my brain?
Ah, no - I really don’t think consuming my brain would be a good idea for you. I-I-I mean, I do tend to drink large amounts of coffee, and excessive consumption of caffeine frequently leads to side effects such as high blood pressure - which admittedly shouldn't be something you specifically would have to worry about, given your lack of heartbeat, but it can also lead to tremors, which I would think would be a concern for someone whose extremities are as - as precariously attached as yours. You might also be prone to bouts of anxiety and insomnia, assuming you're capable of sleep, and there may be an outside chance of you developing osteoporosis, because studies have shown a link between that and heavy caffeine consumption and like I said, I really, really drink a lot of coffee. And that’s not even getting into the possibility of caffeine addiction and withdrawal symptoms, or side effects from the coffee itself or the sugar I add to it - granted, some of those effects might be mitigated by your deceased state and your general lack of nutritional requirements, brains aside, of course, but...
Do your eyes fall out like that often? Because I don't think I've ever seen a case of spontaneous unassisted enucleation before; it's actually kind of... Where are you going? You, uh, you left your eyes...
Hmm. I feel vaguely insulted somehow.
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me why I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Clooooseddd. And you will all get your emails in the morning after I have enjoyed delicious sleep.
Character name: Kishitani Shinra
Series: Durarara!!
Age: 24
Job: Camp Plastic Surgeon
Canon:
Ikebukuro: a city that only seems peaceful and normal from the outside. On the inside, however, supernatural occurrences and all kinds of drama is constantly brewing. However, this app is about a plain-looking underground doctor named Kishintani Shinra, so let’s take a look at our eccentric, yet talented, physician. As an underground doctor, he takes care of all the questionable injures sustained by questionable people, as well as doing plastic surgery to change his client’s faces if they so require it. His personality is usually attributed to his father, who handed him a scalpel at the tender age of four to dissect a headless faerie woman, of whom he instantly fell in love with. It is because of this love he believes she doesn’t need her head to be beautiful; she is beautiful as she is.
Shinra is an odd man that only takes interest in the strange and unusual. Therefore, Shinra is seen working both “sides,” for the sake of his own interests; he helps the “good guys” by taking care of their wounds or having them stay in his home, while simultaneously lying and hiding information from others. He sees both sides of the coin and doesn’t really stand behind any one person, faction, or ideal. However, he tends to ramble and launch into long monologues while assuming everyone cares about what he’s saying - to the point other characters tune him out while he continues to go on and on. That said, he’s very capable at what he does, and became a doctor at a young age due to his father giving him plenty of opportunities to learn and study.
Sample Entry:
Good evening! As Camp Fuck U Die’s new plastic surgeon, I would assume you’re here for a little nip and tuck to get rid of an imperfection or two? I have to admit, my work in the plastic surgery field wasn’t exactly for beautification purposes, but I’m sure I can put my years of experience into making you absolutely dazzling. Are you worried that Miss Sayre wasn’t thoughtful enough to hire a doctor with experience to look after you? I can’t exactly say I’m the best choice - especially considering the clientele I keep! - But for now, let’s take a look at you.
You’re probably thinking, “this guy is just some weirdo in a lab coat, playing pretend.” Am I right? Please, relax. It’s perfectly normal to think that, but trust me, I’m a real doctor! I have never disappointed a client. And like I alluded to before, my clients are not exactly the kind of people you want to disappoint! So if you think about it, doing into my rather questionable line of work forced me to make as few mistakes as possible!
And now you’re probably thinking, “underground doctor? That doesn’t sound safe at all!” It really wasn’t, for me. But let me tell you - I know what’s connected to your hip bone, and when I do surgery it’s not like I learned from playing a DS game. You can’t slow down time to do a surgery - real life is set to the “Nightmare” difficulty level! But I did play with REAL operations when I was quite young... while some children grow up watching silly sentai shows and filling their minds with fun, pointless nonsense, I grew up with a scalpel in my hand. Why do you think I’m a professional at such a young age? I think this was my destiny, you know? Oh, but here I am rambling on and on.
“Destiny? Why would a man of science and medicine believe in that?” See, I attempted to predict your thoughts again! I guess I believe some things are simply inevitable - be it from action and respective consequence, or through some mysterious force. There are things in this world that simply defy all scientific explanation! Except certain “miracles” - that’s simple science at work! Science is all around you, and you don’t even know it... it’s just there in the air! In fact, science IS air - did you know that both gorillas and humans need oxygen to live, but oxygen only takes up approximate 21% of the air we breathe? The air around us is mostly nitrogen, and - p-please stop, you’ll break my arm-! I’ll get back on task! I’m sorry!
I don’t understand why you’d want any plastic surgery, though... to be honest, people are best left as they are. There’s no need to cover things up or hide any flaws - to do so would be to hide one’s true form. And it is that true form that one falls in love with, is it not? Well, it’s not like my place to say this to you anyways, considering I’m supposed to be the professional being paid to do this for you, but I feel like I know this better than anyone else. Then again, love makes you crazy.
But that’s normal, isn’t it? You could say, my life is average.
Poll Vote!
Character: Jeff Winger
Series: Community
Age: presumably early 30s
Job: Counsel for the Director
Canon: Community is a television show about seven radically different students attending Greendale Community College who form a study group -- and ~*bonds for life*~ -- and navigate community college life and the ridiculousness that it may entail. The show follows their exploits as they do everything from making the production of the coveted cafeteria chicken fingers into a quasi-crime syndicate to crazy Rambo-esque paintball showdowns to somehow managing to get a flag with a butt on it voted in as the official Greendale Community College flag. Sometimes, they even study.
Jeff Winger is the de facto leader of this insane group. Snarky, glib, and cynical to no end, Jeff used to work as a lawyer before the Colorado Bar Association found out that his degree came from Colombia the country and not Colombia University. Whoops! In order to keep from being completely disbarred, Jeff attends Greendale to get a legitimate degree. More often than not, Jeff is sarcastic and treats the other members of his study group with mild disdain. Pop culture-related zingers are a part of his vocabulary! He can be competitive and cutthroat, often to ridiculous degrees, and gets a certain amount of satisfaction out of being the leader of the study group, even if it is an unenviable position. The group does, however, bring out another side in Jeff, something he refers to as "catching feelings."
Sample Post:
My client, Elizabeth Sayre, is unfortunately unable to be present at today's hearing to address the numerous complaints that the "campers" in this facility have raised against her. But with me as her counsel? I don't think we're going to have any problems with the whole absentee-ism issue. Besides, from the looks of this panel, that's going to be the least of our problems. I know that technically speaking, I'm currently not a licensed professional due to a small caveat the state bar had, but if we're going to nitpick with caveats here - I'm pretty sure all three of you could be considered legally dead. Let's keep this simple - you don't ask for my credentials, and I won't go looking into yours.
Let's cut to the chase and address the list of grievances or, as I like to call it, the list of "cry more." I mean, come on. This list looks like it was compiled by people who whine more than Sarah Palin, Paris Hilton, and those tools from "The Hills" combined. At the top of the list is "we can't have sex." Look, I'm hardly an expert, but from the summer camps I can remember? Sex wasn't on the list of camp activities. Summer camp is all about useless activities that no one actually does anymore. You make friendship bracelets, go on hikes, and nearly lose three fingers trying to whittle a log. I mean, who the hell whittles these days? Kids in summer camp. That's who.
And that relates to complaint number two: "we can't have real sugar." Last I checked, this place is a summer camp which is, by definition, a "supervised programs for teens and children." This isn't "The Biggest 16 and Pregnant Loser" camp and if it is, I want someone to lend me their shotgun after this hearing. By banning sugar products and forcing those in her facility to use substitutes like Splenda and occasionally sawdust, my client is trying to promote a healthy lifestyle. We may demonize those who have declined to renew lucrative deals with companies like Coca-Cola and Nestle to hawk their products to the youth in their attempts to guide the youth and instill a sense of good health and- what am I saying? That's possibly the dumbest thing I've ever heard and no one should be shocked to hear that several states for some reason are out of cash. But regardless of that, somehow, in her little rustic and probably not bankrupt utopia, my client is attempting to foster good health by providing at least three square and sugarless meals a day. And there are people actually complaining about that?
Look. Let me level with you here - my client has funds for a legal team that would put OJ's to shame. Even if any of these claims actually had any merit, does anyone here seriously think it's going to make a difference? Because I don't. You guys may think she's psychotic? But I know she's psychotic. My client has no comment on any of these matters because I haven't even been able to speak with her about them. That's how much she cares. It's a good thing I care less than she does, because I was done with this hearing and this place about five minutes ago. Do we really need to address complaints three through five-hundred and thirty-six? "There's an impenetrable barrier that-" ...
Point of order: can I sue my own client? Or would that count as a conflict of interest.
Poll Vote!
Character: Vice Admiral Monkey D. Garp
Series: One Piece
Character Age: old
Job: Morale Improver aka CAMPER PUNCHINIST
Canon:
One Piece is the magical pirate canon born from the love of DBZ armpits. The main character, Luffy, travels around the world in an awesome boat, picking up people in need of some friendship punched into them and turning them into the best damn pirate crew the world has ever seen as he journeys to become the Pirate King. Wacky adventures are had, zany powers are gained and many, many foods are consumed.
Vice Admiral Monkey D. Garp, nicknamed "Garp the Fist", is on the opposite side of all things pirate - the Marines, enforcers of the law and will of the World Government. He also happens to be Luffy's grandpa, a fact which is made abundantly clear when he greets his grandson with his PUNCH OF LOVE and shounen hero Luffy cries in fear. This is, of course, after he walks through a wall just for the cool look of it. Grandpa Garp always wanted his grandsons Luffy and Ace to become Marines and raised them the way any loving shounen guardian does: by constantly endangering their lives in ridiculous ways, laughing obnoxiously the whole time, possibly while also wearing his amazingly professional doggy mask.
Sample Post:
GET UP! Sleeping in till five - show some decent shame! Grovel for an apology and then stand up- then stand up again after you've received the Fist of Love! Back when I was in training, we were up every day before the dawn! You'd better prepare yourselves for the training of your lives, because that's what you get when you sign up for the Marines!
First task: board up the wall I just broke down! Remember, when trying to make a good entrance, go for the coolest possible option. You in the back with the weak ankles, you get a special mission: take my dog mask to be laundered…while wearing this brain suit! Gotta run fast or the zombies'll catch up! BWAHAHAHA!
You skinny kids over there - you're on a feeding mission! We need to beef your bones up, so get down to the forest and find the barrel of steaks I left there. You'll probably have to fight your way past some bears, but what's a feast without something to feast for! GET GOING AND BRING THAT BARREL BACK WITH YOU, EMPTY! Then take it to the Mess Hall and clean it, it has to be returned by six tonight.
Sad-looking group in the corner, you’re about to get the cheering up of a lifetime! Cartwheel your way to the latrines and wash that crap off your face, doubletime! I want to see those arms moving, although this tiger I’m sending after you probably wouldn’t mind if you took it a little slower! BWAHAHAHA!
The rest of you, pick up a weapon and get in a circle! You all look pretty in shape, so let’s see what skills you’ve got. Aha, weak ankles is back - and with almost no bites! Not bad, not bad...now put on the backup brains suit and go get me some popcorn. I want it buttered and I want it back before the third bout!
BWAHAHAHA! Don't try to duck - no one escapes my Fist of Love!
Poll Vote!
Character name: Inorganic Angel Rosiel
Series: Angel Sanctuary
Age: COMPLICATED but (most of the time) looks somewhere in his twenties.
Job: Drug Distribution Counselor
Canon: God is sleeping and Heaven is ruled by angels with more than just skeletons in their closets; here you'll find murder plots, corruption, rapist killer babies, insane and rotting people and a variety of other things less virtuous than would be expected of somewhere holy. On Earth, Setsuna Mudou is a rowdy Japanese student who happens to be the latest reincarnation of The Organic Angel Alexiel, one half of a twin pair of angels created by God. Alexiel was branded as fallen by the heavenly authorities for having rebelled against God, and sentenced to a never ending chain of reincarnation and early, brutal deaths. Setsuna is the first reincarnation to break free of the cycle of violence and rebirth to face Heaven's debauched politics.
Alexiel's twin brother, The Inorganic Angel Rosiel, is stunningly beautiful and one of the most influential and powerful beings in Heaven. If only he wasn't also bugfuck insane. Rosiel was once kind and benevolent, but after being cursed to age in reverse, turn younger and rot from the inside, his mind twisting beyond recognition. He knew he'd lose his mind long before it happened, which is why he asked Alexiel to kill him while he still was sane, but she merely sealed him away. Now free and roaming the Heavens for power, Rosiel's "benevolence" is heavily laced with sadistic badtouch overtones and a crippling desire to control and have people tell him he's the prettiest being alive. Outwardly, he's a cunning tactician and master of persuasion, winding people around his finger with manipulation and sweet lies. Inwardly, Rosiel keeps no sense of self-worth, and hates his ugly soul and how he keeps decaying. To prevent this, his ultimate goal is to get his hands on his sister's body and soul to retain his beauty and be with her forever.
Sample:
What a disgusting place I've happened upon. I thought it would be a little more interesting, sporting a name like that, but when you take sins of the flesh so far it's hanging off your bones, it just loses its appeal. Disgusting trash should be disposed of, and replaced with new and functional things, don't you agree? Maybe that's why you're crying out for help-- "Will you help us, pretty please?". No? Brains, was it? My, you're quite demanding, for a mindless being... Ah, I suppose I could do something, if only to remove your unsightly display from my view. Mhm, you should consider yourself quite lucky and be grateful that The Inorganic Angel Rosiel is gracing you with his holy presence. I wouldn't even be here if I hadn't felt the presence of my most precious sister...
Hmph, is my name too difficult to remember? The sheer audacity. I just told it to you too. Well, I believe I can remedy that and make you more pleasant to look at. I have the perfect medicine for beauty. It's apparently my job here to distribute it, after all, but only if you keep from being naughty~ --Oh, don't you start getting fresh with me, you detestable piece of waste! I've killed people for less. Don't assume being a beautiful angel means I'll always show you kindness? Hahahaha! Oh, I am beautiful as you say. Aah yes, say it again! I like it-- wait. Your words lack conviction. How completely useless. You're left with only flesh and desire, almost like my own personal puppets but much too simple.
Oh... there are more of you. How utterly repulsive. I'm so sorry, but your friend seemed to have lost his head. He was getting a little bit too familiar, and I don't take well to such behaviour. ...I cannot make myself clear enough to you, can I? Your moaning for brains is definitely warranted. We need to do something about that, and replace those missing limbs while we're at it too. I guess I should sometimes show mercy upon poor unfortunate souls in so much pain and need. If you can be helpful, tell me a little more about this place and help me find my sister since she seems to enjoy mingling with the miserable, wretched lower beings. Pathetic! I'll help you restore your lost beauty in return. Hopefully you have enough of a cerebrum left to make the medicine work. Because, you see, your own brains are pretty worthless lumps of meat, barely able to retain the power to make you move and I'm surprised you haven't fallen apart quicker than this.
... I'm bored already. I'd make you my new pet, if you could provide me better information and entertainment, but this is a waste of my time. If you're just going to be disobedient, I will be forced to take certain counter measures, and we don't want that, now do we? Just give me information, and perhaps I'll re-think and give you the privilege of being my servant, instead of killing you. You will kneel and you will beg, you will crawl on the floor, pleading for mercy... and I might take pity on you. So? Get on with it!
Poll Vote!
Character name: Supervisory Special Agent Dr. Spencer Reid
Series: Criminal Minds
Character Age: mid- to late twenties
Job: Resident Expert on Everything
Canon: Criminal Minds centers around the members of the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit. Based out of Quantico, Virginia, the BAU travels around the country, usually at the behest of local law enforcement departments, to assist them in solving particularly difficult crimes. As the name of the show implies, they do this by attempting to get into the head of the unsub (short for unknown subject) believed responsible, creating a psychological profile of the unsub that will hopefully aid in finding him or her. Yes, they fight crime.
The youngest, and arguably the most danger-prone, member of his team, Reid is an autodidact with an IQ of 187, an eidetic memory, multiple college degrees (three PhDs by age twenty, plus two additional BAs, with a third BA in progress) and the ability to read 20,000 words per minute. Unfortunately, his vast array of knowledge doesn’t really extend to social skills, which can make his interactions with others very awkward; he stammers, he babbles, he has a tendency to go off on odd conversational tangents and he frequently doesn’t know when to shut up. He’s not necessarily trying to be annoying; he just doesn’t always remember that not everyone wants to hear a mini-dissertation on whatever topic has caught his attention. Still, his garrulousness has worked in his favor at times, as he has successfully talked down or distracted more than one unsub without a fight... although his knack for getting into situations where he has to talk down an unsub is somewhat less helpful. Then again, Reid has said he does "some of [his] best work under intense terror."
Note: Reid is an inveterate coffee drinker who spends an estimated $50 on the stuff per week.
Sample Entry: Historically speaking, the consumption of brains is a relatively new addition to zombie lore. Actually, much of what we would term "zombie lore" is quite recent; the majority stems from either George Romero's film Night of the Living Dead or Dan O'Bannon’s Return of the Living Dead, although those zombies in the former film were referred to mostly as ghouls, and indeed, flesh-eating has traditionally been associated with mythological ghouls rather than zombies, who historically speaking were simply the reanimated dead. Romero was more interested in zombies as a metaphor for various social issues - rampant consumerism, for example.
...O-of course, none of you look particularly metaphorical, although you do resemble Romero's zombies in a number of ways. The slow shambling, for one, and the, uh, the lack of standard conversational skills. Oddly enough, while Romero zombies do consume human flesh, brain-eating as a concept is specifically tied to O'Bannon zombies; Romero zombies merely consume flesh as an echo of things they did in life - not cannibalism specifically, but food consumption in general. O'Bannon zombies, on the other hand, require brain matter as a means of alleviating the constant pain of decomposition. Obviously, it may be different for you -
...E-excuse me? My brain? You - you want to eat my brain?
Ah, no - I really don’t think consuming my brain would be a good idea for you. I-I-I mean, I do tend to drink large amounts of coffee, and excessive consumption of caffeine frequently leads to side effects such as high blood pressure - which admittedly shouldn't be something you specifically would have to worry about, given your lack of heartbeat, but it can also lead to tremors, which I would think would be a concern for someone whose extremities are as - as precariously attached as yours. You might also be prone to bouts of anxiety and insomnia, assuming you're capable of sleep, and there may be an outside chance of you developing osteoporosis, because studies have shown a link between that and heavy caffeine consumption and like I said, I really, really drink a lot of coffee. And that’s not even getting into the possibility of caffeine addiction and withdrawal symptoms, or side effects from the coffee itself or the sugar I add to it - granted, some of those effects might be mitigated by your deceased state and your general lack of nutritional requirements, brains aside, of course, but...
Do your eyes fall out like that often? Because I don't think I've ever seen a case of spontaneous unassisted enucleation before; it's actually kind of... Where are you going? You, uh, you left your eyes...
Hmm. I feel vaguely insulted somehow.
Poll Vote!