(no subject)
Last round! The next app date will be announced soon!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character: Karen Starr/Power Girl
Series: DC Comics
Character Age: mid to late twenties
Job: Emergency Locksmith
Canon: You know Super- and Batgirl, the Wonders and Vixen, Canary and Huntress, Hawkgirl and... Blitzen? But! Do you recall, the most busty hero of all~?
Think Supergirl, but from another dimension where she had her Wheaties every morning with an extra helping of sass and possibly those natural breast enhancement drugs, and you’ll be in the general area of Power Girl. She has a reputation for being something of... well, a bitch, but that’s not completely accurate. I mean, is it really so wrong for a young woman to be sure of herself and unafraid to be straightforward and honest with people? I don’t think so!
Maybe her aggressiveness puts some people off, but she has a great deal of kindness and compassion to her too. It’s just that she refuses to apologize for being a strong, outgoing and confident woman who doesn’t let others push her around. And it may or may not help that her particular brand of witty banter often ends with highly annoyed and insulted enemies, as well as the occasional teased friend. Clearly, cracking wise is one of her greatest charms! Just ask all her fans. Because obviously those guys’ll tell you they like PG for her sense of humor, or possibly for her heroism, or determination or something. It definitely has nothing to do with the boobs!
Sample Post:
Ooookay. I think I’ve had just about enough of this place for one lifetime, so I’ll just be going now. Not that it hasn’t been fun, Grape Ape, but... Well, no. It hasn’t been fun actually. It’s been hot and weird and uncomfortably full of strange, hairy creatures ruled by little more than their hormones. By which of course I mean teenage boys.
Seriously though, you fellas got a complaints department around here? A questionnaire? A suggestion box at least? ‘Cause there’s an imminent heroic rescue in the works, so I may not be around long enough to supply them personally, but I’ve definitely got a few choice words to share with the lady in charge, quite a number of them four letters long and very few of them pleasant... All right, fine. We’ll do this singing telegram style, so you just listen close and when you see the management, repeat after me. I’ll go slow for you. Monkey hear, monkey do, okay?
Great! Miss Sayre. Stop. Thank you for your emphatic display of interest in having me join the staff of your delightful establishment. Stop. But even though I love being swept off my feet and whisked away to exotic locales by undead cabana boys as much as the next girl, I’m afraid I’m not in the market for a new job, and especially not one as a replacement for a battering ram that your oh so competent employees claim to have misplaced in transit. Stop! So my sincerest apologies, but despite your generous offer, I’m going to have to politely ask that you shove it up your-- How many times do I have to tell you, STOP THAT!
...you know, I was really hoping I could get through the day without hurting anybody, but some people just can’t keep their hands to themselves, can they? Let that be a lesson. Treating ladies with respect is important, especially when they can beat up King Kong single-handed, let alone his dinky cousins.
Oh, well. Time for a new plan. But maybe this time I should go for something more subtle and sophisticated. You know, high-brow criticism... Hey, you! With the macaroni! How good would you say you are at gluing artistic recreations of explicit hand gestures?
Poll Vote!
Character: Dr. Bhamba
Series: Better Off Ted
Character Age: No canon age is given, but his actor (-insert sound of fourth wall weeping bitterly-) is currently 38, so why don't we run with that?
Job: Professional weapons expert and freelance hula hoop instructor
Canon: I present to you Veridian Dynamics, your average, soulless, multimillion dollar company. Dr. Bhamba is one of its many employees, a scientist specializing in weapons technology, biological warfare and hula hoop competitions. Wait, what? No, better not pay attention to the latter. So, what can we say about the man who readily describes himself as "incompetent and a liar"? Resourcefulness and a certain level of boldness are qualities you will often find in him, although if you are looking for integrity on top of it then you're in for a fruitless search. Perhaps it is thanks to his macabre streak that Bhamba is so successful in his field, supposedly having made "warfare exponentially more horrifying". He also dabbles in comedy and usually ends up failing miserably at it. On the plus side, at least he's great in bed, at least according to renowned astrophysicist Stella Clifton.
Sample Post:
Hello? Hello? The company has sent me here for a field test, but I presumed I was to test my latest killer pumpkin rather than the field itself, haHAha.
Ah, forgive my little joke, of course I know exactly what I am supposed to- excuse me, please don't touch that. No, I- which part of killer pumpkin do you need me to rephrase? I can see that your left ear is missing, but that is hardly an excuse for- no, I said don't touch the-
...
Y-you see? Did- did you see it? I tell them not to touch it, but they touch it anyway. Then they explode and I get punished and sent down into the ridiculously tiny office in the basement. At least now I can report back to the company and say that I have finally seen a zombie explode. Before that it was only a rabbit, an eel, a goat, a monkey and a reindeer... but never a zombie.
Mechanical cows? Yes, certainly, I mean, who hasn't, but if you are in fact suggesting what I believe you are suggesting then I am insulted. Betsy, that is what I named her, and she did not explode, she imploded; for a very good reason too and the company has made it clear to me that this is an absolutely crucial distinction from a legal standpoint.
Oh, but let us not get too distracted, talking about trivial things like what exploded where and why and whose fault it was. Because as I was saying, I know exactly what I am supposed to do for you. The company has told me you have a zombie problem and I am here to fix it!
Indeed, your zombies appear pale, listless and lacking any murderous incentive whatsoever! Fear not, with my latest mechanical teeth designed especially for the Undead and a little tonic I call 'Homicidal Rampage No. 5' they will soon be able to- excuse me, can you repeat that? You... you are not in fact looking for a way to turn them into more efficient killer machines? You... you are not looking for anything potentially dangerous, explosive or poisonous or radioactive at all?
....
....
Well, I suppose I could still offer you free hula hoop lessons.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Sookie Stackhouse
Series: True Blood
Age: 25
Job: Supernatural Guidance Counselor and Resident Lie Detector
Canon: Sookie Stackhouse lives in the sleepy backwater town of Bon Temps, Louisiana, where she works as a waitress in the local bar. It's an alternate reality in which synthetic blood has just been invented, allowing vampires to out themselves to the world. They even make regular PR appearances on Oprah, although to her disappointment none have visited Sookie-- until the vampire Bill comes to town. Her relationship with him plunges her into the realm of the supernatural, where vampires, shapeshifters, and even maenads appear.
Sookie herself is far from normal, although she does her best to hide it. She's a telepath who can't help but hear other people's thoughts-- a fact that's landed her in therapy, given her a local reputation for being simple-minded, and ruined her chances at dating human men. Supernatural beings, however, are different story, because she has more difficulty hearing their thoughts. Despite her isolation, she keeps a friendly and upbeat persona, can be funny, kind, and sympathetic, and has a strict sense of propriety, as people's thoughts tend to be somewhat less than savory. While her "disability," as she likes to call it, keeps her from pursuing higher education, she is well read and fairly intelligent. Having survived a traumatic childhood, she is also incredibly strong-willed and loyal to her remaining friends and family. Which is good-- she needs all the strength she can get to survive the challenges of dating a vampire. And unlike some other heroines, she has no intention of becoming one herself.
Sample Entry:
Oh gosh, I must have taken a wrong turning somewhere. I mean, this still looks like I'm in Louisiana--it's got that charmin' swamp feel to it-- but I've never seen a lake like that 'round my way. Are lakes supposed to glow? That's more than a little unhealthy, to my way of thinking. Maybe I'm on some company's waste disposal land or something. It's a real shame what modern society does to perfectly good nature reserves these days--now, wait, hold on a second! I can't seriously be hearing something from in there.
Oh my god, there's a person caught in that lake! Or, it's not a person, it's a...sea monster? An honest-to-god sea monster? What the hell is this place?! Okay. Okay, uh, well, that's odd I'm able to read her mind, but she's broadcasting clear as day... it's kinda surprising no one else has reached out to her yet. And seems like every time she tries to do the reaching out herself, people run away, thinking she's got some ulterior motives. Poor baby, why are they so mean to you, keepin' you all isolated here? It's obvious you're just lonely... hey, now, just you watch where that tentacle is going. I can understand loneliness, but I'm not having any of that. Didn't your mother teach you any manners? That's inappropriate without a lady's consent. We're gonna have to spend some quality time together talking about bad touch, aren't we? Maybe that's why you have a hard time makin' friends.
I know, let's start you out connecting with those people shambling along over there. Oh, but, they sure don't look too healthy. And, well that's strange. I can't hear any thoughts coming from them... Jesus! Did one of them just lose an arm? Oh, no way! Shambling, rotten flesh, no thinking going on? They can't seriously be zombies! I've seem some weird stuff, and I mean weird, but I ain't never seen the walking dead. Well, unless you count vampires, but they're a lot more attractive; at least they aren't missing body parts. And they might want my blood, but they certainly don't want my brains!
Well now, that's okay, we can still try and make friends, can't we honey? After all, a sea monster can't be too discriminating in her acquaintances. I'm sure eventually they might make for more stimulating conversation. I want you to just introduce yourself and shake hands, nice and polite. No, their hands are not down there! And you zombies, quit trying to bite her! Oh honey, no, that was not an invitation to mangle them! Although, on second thought...you just do what you like, and we'll work on manners later.
Poll Vote!
Character: Akiyama Shinichi
Series: Liar Game
Character Age: 27
Job: Con-man Financial Advisor
Canon: Once upon a time the LGT sent an invitation (and ten million yen) to one Kanzaki Nao, inviting her to play in the Liar Game, a tournament built on winning as much money as one can. Of course, by opening the invitation, she was forced into entry, and being the type she was, she didn't have much of a chance to win. A lawyer advised she should find a con-man who could help her figure out what to do with it. So she did. Enter Akiyama Shinichi, famous criminal, who took down an entire corporation to get revenge for his mother. He ends up in the Liar Game as well, and he and Nao have decided to take down the LGT.
Akiyama is a smart man, to say the least. He graduated from university with a Master's of Psychology, and boy, does it show. Aside from being the genius con-artist and single-handedly taking down a corporation, he is a man who is built to read people. Though he sometimes seems somewhat cold and cynical, he himself can be persuaded by genuine feelings, which is how Nao ends up convincing him to help. He says it's for the money, but he has compassion. He does like winning, for both himself and those he is helping, and he generally explains how he's managed the task, sooner or later. When he's playing, he's serious, always watching the people and the situations before him. He does know how to use his words and actions to best effect. He's changed though, from a rougher man, bitter at people after the incident with his mother, to more of a soft side. It's that side of him that enables him to work toward an end to the game that benefits everyone trapped within it.
Sample Entry:
Have you ever heard of the prisoners' dilemma? Right now, it's not the dilemma itself that's important, but the name. Prisoners. I didn't come here willingly, but being here isn't really unusual for someone like me, but I guess you know that. In some way, we're all trapped, whether by the LGT or the owner of this camp... or in this cae, maybe both. It was strange to find that invitation in my mailbox. At least the ones for the LGT aren't covered in slime. I'm not sure what you're really expecting from me. My reputation means that financial advice is probably something you don't want from me, but if you insist. However, whatever money you make on this venture, you give me half. How's that? It gives incentive to succeed.
Fine, you don't need to agree. At least not yet. We'll work on that a little harder in the coming days. There's also a few more things we'll have to work on, too. Escape? Well, let's leave that something more of a mystery. The guy who runs this may like to make it clear that you're all not to leave, but that doesn't mean everything is up to her completely. That's what she'd like you to believe and that's where the problem begins. You've never needed her permission to do something before, so why would it start now?
I find it interesting that she's chosen to run this kind of game. There's no winner, it's zero-sum. Everyone who wins only wins because someone else loses. There are lots of those kinds of games, of course, but in this case I'll call it an infection game. Albeit a more literal version than I've played before. A far more literal version than I've played before. Do we need actual vaccines? How long does this game run, to get so bad..? Open sores? Even the LGT hasn't quite gone that far. Maybe doing my job is in my best interests for a change. Victory is always attainable, if we cooperate. So, in that case, please listen carefully.
I'm not going to spend a long time talking about money. Use common sense, just like you would about anything else. But if you insist, there are a few things that I can tell you that would serve you well. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. Maybe some of you know that already, and it holds true for either money or goods. Next, be honest, but not too honest. You never know when someone will take advantage of that weakness. If you don't believe that, I have some swampland in Louisiana I'd like to sell you. Third, and most importantly, don't think about the game you just lost.
Poll Vote!
Character: Ivan
Series: Being Human
Character Age: 237
Job: Twitter Supervisor
Canon information contains some spoilers
Canon: Being Human is simply the tale of three twenty-something friends sharing a house in Bristol, and going through the adventures of finding love, acceptance, and just surviving in this hectic world. Managing these very human concerns can be hard enough for your average guy, but for a vampire, a ghost, and a werewolf it can a little bit more awkward to juggle. They just want to be regular people, and so Mitchell, the vampire, sets out to wean his newly inherited vampire coven off blood in order to hide their activities and integrate them better as humans. For that end, he recruits the oldest vampire, Ivan, to become the poster boy for his blood addiction support group.
Before arriving in Bristol, Ivan had previously been traveling all over the world as a war tourist. Having been a vampire for quite a long time now, he perceives humanity with a sort of curiosity as he's forgotten what it's like to be human. This interest is usually portrayed in his fascination with human pop culture, in particular, and a small penchant for gadgets. He can be characterized as a jaded, sarcastic fellow, if armed with a dark sense of humor that illustrates everything in a worst case scenario. Ivan's dilemma lies in having to pretend to be a good role models for other vampires in abstaining from feeding on humans, when in fact he sates his hunger for blood in private. This double unlife is the source of Ivan's conflict, but he can be pushed out of his pessimistic attitude with some insistent prodding. Well connected and well traveled, he seems to always possess a way out of everything except for his bloodlust.
Sample Entry:
I gotta say after hearing so much about this place, being here in person and meeting you all in the flesh is quite disappointing. You inhabit a fluctuating center of power, constantly shifting in magnitude to contain a quaint number of magical little beings. This literal ebb and flow shifting over you as innocent little lambs arrive and then disappear. The power vacuum here expands and grows, while you all earnestly and devotedly believe you'll last forever just because you're walled in within this invisible dome of miserable chaos. You'd think a collection of the most exquisite and befuddled creatures would give way to something more entertaining than fans trampling each other at a Justin Bieber event. And yet, you all just mingle here, restlessly and boringly.
So, what am I doing here?
Could I possibly pass up the chance to watch campers in their not so natural habitat, scrambling about and unaware of how this whole place, silo and all, is collapsing on itself? One day, sooner than later, the lot of you will just snap, and I would like to do nothing more than sit back and watch the body parts fly. This is a prime opportunity when everything on the telly is getting canceled left and right. So make it worth the trip, my dears. This will become yet another monument of trampled dreams and vapid, distorted realities. Let your unresolved sexual tensions, rampant plagues, and not quite diseased cows run amok along the path of destruction, and I will be here to take in the dark glory of it all.
You would have liked me to say that, wouldn't you have? Much as I would have loved to teach every one of you how to revel in the morbid bloodbath you'd eventually fall into, orchestrating disasters has never really been on my travel agenda. Instead, I'm going to instruct you in the way of procrastinating toward your doom, so whip out these ghastly 2005 Dells they dumped on you and let me show you how learning about zombies online was my idea. If you're not quite up to being educated just yet, we could very well partake in the intricate art of tweeting as soon as my blue twitter birdie stops mating with the toucans. With any luck, you too can sell your soul to a cult and become a trending topic forever. And when I'm done with you, you'll be infecting each other with your aging viruses and youtube links in no time.
In the meantime, let me set down one ground rule: No birthday passwords. Mine is too old for the database.
Poll Vote!
Character: Sarutobi Sasuke
Series: Sengoku Basara
Character Age: About 22
Job: Boy Scout Troop Leader
Canon: The year, unknown. The time, set vaguely in the Warring States period, if you ignore the gundams, the machine guns, and the horses running around with handlebars and exhaust pipes attached to them. Sengoku Basara offers a new take on the turbulent times of the Warring States, with more flash and style than you can shake a sword at. The story follows Our Two Heroes, Sanada Yukimura and Date Masamune, as they fight with their armies to defeat the (obviously evil) Demon King Oda Nobunaga, complete with putting guns on and explosionating entire armies of mooks.
Sarutobi Sasuke is Yukimura's resident ninja squad leader and seems to be the only sane one in the Takeda Army. He says that he's one of the most competent, smartest, strongest, and most handsome ninja around, and well... he'd be mostly right. Serving for the Takeda means that he has his work cut out for him, and he does his job well, even if he would occasionally like a pay raise for some of the antics he endures. Serious and polite when he's working (so as to get better information), Sasuke shows a more casual and cocky side around those he's friendly with. To this point he's constantly teasing even his 'master' Yukimura about girls, proposing that he and fellow ninja Kasuga get married, and managing to keep a straight face as he watches Yukimura and Shingen punch and scream each other's name. All in a day's work!
Sample Entry:
My, my. This is definitely an unexpected location, isn't it? I've seen my share of wet and wild places, this is wetter and wilder than that one time in ninja camp. Especially Miss Marcy, here-- I've only seen tentacle monsters as lovely as that in woodblock cuttings, not in lakes. But even if this place is wet, it looks like I'll be wild looking enough to fit in, as long as the swamp doesn't eat off my clothing. But hey, that's the first lesson for you, boys! Always try to blend in with your surroundings. The better for you to watch and observe. Stealth is key. The second lesson is... always know who's around you.
Sarutobi Sasuke, leader of the Sanada Ninja Squadron. I'm here to spread the wealth... of me, of course! Pulled here from my comfy ninja work to help train and shape the boy scouts of tomorrow. And they've even offered me a pay... well, that isn't important, is it? So let's get down to business, hmm?
Boy Scouts are-- we~eell actually-- I'm not really sure what the boy scouts are. Some sort of foreigner thing, and something like what the One-Eyed Dragon would be into, and no, that's not a euphemism. But whatever they are, I was pretty sure that they were boys. This squad look like men to me. Or aat least you look like you used to be men, though you're missing one or two appendages. It's hard on you, huh, that you can't even get hard. But never mind that. Most of you have at least one arm intact, and that's good enough to get a good start! Perhaps we should call you the "Zombie Scouts"? "Ninja scouts"? You fit in even better with the surroundings than I do. That's the first lesson, remember!
Zombie Ninja Scouts it is-- it's fine if it's me changing my job, isn't it? So let's continue then, shall we? According to this guide, let's a lot of work ahead of us. Earning badges, doing good deeds, learning skills that will assist you throughout your afterlives, this all the sorts of things that even a one-armed zombie ninja scout should be able to do with ease. Stand up as straight as you can, hold your limbs by your sides -- no hold them, or do you need me to tie them on? -- and let's try some exercises to get you guys all nice and ready for your first training session and--!
--it's a good start, but maybe we should try again with less throwing of limbs. Right now your fists are being thrown around more than those of two others that I know, even if theirs are still attached to their bodies. Come on, Zombie Ninja Scouts. Should we start back at lesson one? This time, the second lesson is to know where your hands and feet are at all times.
Poll Vote!
Character: Rocket Raccoon
Series: Guardians of the Galaxy, Marvel Comics
Age: Fully mature raccoon
Job: Critter Coordinator
Canon:
After a series of intergalactic wars weaken the fabric of space and time, a coalition of cosmic champions assemble to form a proactive strike force dedicated to keeping the known universe in one piece. Calling themselves the Guardians of the Galaxy, these beings have made it their mission to keep all of reality from unraveling - and with universal integrity on the line, they need the best possible men and women on the job.
Sometimes, though, the best possible man for the job is actually a gun-toting space raccoon.
Artificially evolved through alien science, Rocket Raccoon was granted beyond-human intelligence and the power of speech - an ability he tends to utilize to the point of distraction. A veteran space adventurer who’s never met a BFG he didn’t like, Rocket is a furry, irascible firecracker with an irrepressibly outsized personality to match his typically outsized ordnance. Fast-talking and irreverent, with an abiding fondness for the now-distant Earth, Rocket still may be the single most dedicated member of his team, fiercely loyal to his ‘mates and their mission if for no other reason than he’s having entirely too much fun to let the universe end on his watch.
Sample Entry:
Look, I appreciate you taking the time to meet with me on such short notice, especially since I understand you’re in the middle of some significant upheaval here yourselves. Moving is enough of a hassle without having to avert a small-scale planetary apocalypse at the same time, so I realize things aren’t exactly running at a hundred percent right out of the stargate. . . But fellas, you called me, and that ought to mean you respect the kind of work I do as a professional. And as a professional, there are certain minimum standards of quality I need to have in my workplace, my materials, and especially my co-workers in order to optimize my job performance. . . None of which are being met here.
Because I’ve served with some rag-tag outfits in my time, and you lot are without doubt the single sorriest sack of sentients this side of the Lesser Magellanic Cloud! This is a complete dog’s breakfast of an operation you’ve got here, and I mean that with all due respect to our canine friends. Take my job title - “Critter Coordinator”? What does that even mean? I guess I should be grateful you didn’t spell that with two Ks and write it out in crayon, but first of all, the correct term is “Woodland Creature.” Critter is not only derogatory; it’s demeaning to folks like me who try to define ourselves as something a little more than the habitat-based stereotypes associated with having a sylvan background.
Second, just look at who you’re trying to get me to coordinate here. I get the gist of this job, I do: you want me to make sure that when a spunky young heroine of possibly royal heritage so much as even thinks of breaking into song, there’s a Spontaneous Musical Number Response Team already on alert, ready to find her, flank her, and provide covering harmonies from first verse to last. But seriously?
This place is Iowa on a good day, meaning it’s got all the biodiversity of a box of Animal Crackers. I’m no more likely to discriminate than the next placental mammal - I don’t care whether your exterior’s furred, feathered, slimy, scaled, or. . . uh, rotting. Eeugh. Here, though, you’re giving me telepathic wildfowl, fire-breathing ducks, all sorts of freaky hodgepodge zombie beasties -I’m still waiting on that emergency requisition I made for some electric sheep - and cows. Cows! You know what you get when you throw all that together? Not a charming lyrical interlude, that’s what!
And finally, listen, I don’t want to make waves here. . . Even amber ones, of grain. But this-and I know this gets back to that critter thing-but if I hear one more of your slack-jawed undead yokels call me a “varmint” and accuse me of knockin’ over his trashcans, I swear to Galactus I will pull out my Xarthian quantum cannon and atomize him. I draw a hard line on this kind of thing, and it’s like I told those putzes who like taking potshots at wolves from a helicopter - it’s only sporting if they shoot back. And brother, I will.
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character: Karen Starr/Power Girl
Series: DC Comics
Character Age: mid to late twenties
Job: Emergency Locksmith
Canon: You know Super- and Batgirl, the Wonders and Vixen, Canary and Huntress, Hawkgirl and... Blitzen? But! Do you recall, the most busty hero of all~?
Think Supergirl, but from another dimension where she had her Wheaties every morning with an extra helping of sass and possibly those natural breast enhancement drugs, and you’ll be in the general area of Power Girl. She has a reputation for being something of... well, a bitch, but that’s not completely accurate. I mean, is it really so wrong for a young woman to be sure of herself and unafraid to be straightforward and honest with people? I don’t think so!
Maybe her aggressiveness puts some people off, but she has a great deal of kindness and compassion to her too. It’s just that she refuses to apologize for being a strong, outgoing and confident woman who doesn’t let others push her around. And it may or may not help that her particular brand of witty banter often ends with highly annoyed and insulted enemies, as well as the occasional teased friend. Clearly, cracking wise is one of her greatest charms! Just ask all her fans. Because obviously those guys’ll tell you they like PG for her sense of humor, or possibly for her heroism, or determination or something. It definitely has nothing to do with the boobs!
Sample Post:
Ooookay. I think I’ve had just about enough of this place for one lifetime, so I’ll just be going now. Not that it hasn’t been fun, Grape Ape, but... Well, no. It hasn’t been fun actually. It’s been hot and weird and uncomfortably full of strange, hairy creatures ruled by little more than their hormones. By which of course I mean teenage boys.
Seriously though, you fellas got a complaints department around here? A questionnaire? A suggestion box at least? ‘Cause there’s an imminent heroic rescue in the works, so I may not be around long enough to supply them personally, but I’ve definitely got a few choice words to share with the lady in charge, quite a number of them four letters long and very few of them pleasant... All right, fine. We’ll do this singing telegram style, so you just listen close and when you see the management, repeat after me. I’ll go slow for you. Monkey hear, monkey do, okay?
Great! Miss Sayre. Stop. Thank you for your emphatic display of interest in having me join the staff of your delightful establishment. Stop. But even though I love being swept off my feet and whisked away to exotic locales by undead cabana boys as much as the next girl, I’m afraid I’m not in the market for a new job, and especially not one as a replacement for a battering ram that your oh so competent employees claim to have misplaced in transit. Stop! So my sincerest apologies, but despite your generous offer, I’m going to have to politely ask that you shove it up your-- How many times do I have to tell you, STOP THAT!
...you know, I was really hoping I could get through the day without hurting anybody, but some people just can’t keep their hands to themselves, can they? Let that be a lesson. Treating ladies with respect is important, especially when they can beat up King Kong single-handed, let alone his dinky cousins.
Oh, well. Time for a new plan. But maybe this time I should go for something more subtle and sophisticated. You know, high-brow criticism... Hey, you! With the macaroni! How good would you say you are at gluing artistic recreations of explicit hand gestures?
Poll Vote!
Character: Dr. Bhamba
Series: Better Off Ted
Character Age: No canon age is given, but his actor (-insert sound of fourth wall weeping bitterly-) is currently 38, so why don't we run with that?
Job: Professional weapons expert and freelance hula hoop instructor
Canon: I present to you Veridian Dynamics, your average, soulless, multimillion dollar company. Dr. Bhamba is one of its many employees, a scientist specializing in weapons technology, biological warfare and hula hoop competitions. Wait, what? No, better not pay attention to the latter. So, what can we say about the man who readily describes himself as "incompetent and a liar"? Resourcefulness and a certain level of boldness are qualities you will often find in him, although if you are looking for integrity on top of it then you're in for a fruitless search. Perhaps it is thanks to his macabre streak that Bhamba is so successful in his field, supposedly having made "warfare exponentially more horrifying". He also dabbles in comedy and usually ends up failing miserably at it. On the plus side, at least he's great in bed, at least according to renowned astrophysicist Stella Clifton.
Sample Post:
Hello? Hello? The company has sent me here for a field test, but I presumed I was to test my latest killer pumpkin rather than the field itself, haHAha.
Ah, forgive my little joke, of course I know exactly what I am supposed to- excuse me, please don't touch that. No, I- which part of killer pumpkin do you need me to rephrase? I can see that your left ear is missing, but that is hardly an excuse for- no, I said don't touch the-
...
Y-you see? Did- did you see it? I tell them not to touch it, but they touch it anyway. Then they explode and I get punished and sent down into the ridiculously tiny office in the basement. At least now I can report back to the company and say that I have finally seen a zombie explode. Before that it was only a rabbit, an eel, a goat, a monkey and a reindeer... but never a zombie.
Mechanical cows? Yes, certainly, I mean, who hasn't, but if you are in fact suggesting what I believe you are suggesting then I am insulted. Betsy, that is what I named her, and she did not explode, she imploded; for a very good reason too and the company has made it clear to me that this is an absolutely crucial distinction from a legal standpoint.
Oh, but let us not get too distracted, talking about trivial things like what exploded where and why and whose fault it was. Because as I was saying, I know exactly what I am supposed to do for you. The company has told me you have a zombie problem and I am here to fix it!
Indeed, your zombies appear pale, listless and lacking any murderous incentive whatsoever! Fear not, with my latest mechanical teeth designed especially for the Undead and a little tonic I call 'Homicidal Rampage No. 5' they will soon be able to- excuse me, can you repeat that? You... you are not in fact looking for a way to turn them into more efficient killer machines? You... you are not looking for anything potentially dangerous, explosive or poisonous or radioactive at all?
....
....
Well, I suppose I could still offer you free hula hoop lessons.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Sookie Stackhouse
Series: True Blood
Age: 25
Job: Supernatural Guidance Counselor and Resident Lie Detector
Canon: Sookie Stackhouse lives in the sleepy backwater town of Bon Temps, Louisiana, where she works as a waitress in the local bar. It's an alternate reality in which synthetic blood has just been invented, allowing vampires to out themselves to the world. They even make regular PR appearances on Oprah, although to her disappointment none have visited Sookie-- until the vampire Bill comes to town. Her relationship with him plunges her into the realm of the supernatural, where vampires, shapeshifters, and even maenads appear.
Sookie herself is far from normal, although she does her best to hide it. She's a telepath who can't help but hear other people's thoughts-- a fact that's landed her in therapy, given her a local reputation for being simple-minded, and ruined her chances at dating human men. Supernatural beings, however, are different story, because she has more difficulty hearing their thoughts. Despite her isolation, she keeps a friendly and upbeat persona, can be funny, kind, and sympathetic, and has a strict sense of propriety, as people's thoughts tend to be somewhat less than savory. While her "disability," as she likes to call it, keeps her from pursuing higher education, she is well read and fairly intelligent. Having survived a traumatic childhood, she is also incredibly strong-willed and loyal to her remaining friends and family. Which is good-- she needs all the strength she can get to survive the challenges of dating a vampire. And unlike some other heroines, she has no intention of becoming one herself.
Sample Entry:
Oh gosh, I must have taken a wrong turning somewhere. I mean, this still looks like I'm in Louisiana--it's got that charmin' swamp feel to it-- but I've never seen a lake like that 'round my way. Are lakes supposed to glow? That's more than a little unhealthy, to my way of thinking. Maybe I'm on some company's waste disposal land or something. It's a real shame what modern society does to perfectly good nature reserves these days--now, wait, hold on a second! I can't seriously be hearing something from in there.
Oh my god, there's a person caught in that lake! Or, it's not a person, it's a...sea monster? An honest-to-god sea monster? What the hell is this place?! Okay. Okay, uh, well, that's odd I'm able to read her mind, but she's broadcasting clear as day... it's kinda surprising no one else has reached out to her yet. And seems like every time she tries to do the reaching out herself, people run away, thinking she's got some ulterior motives. Poor baby, why are they so mean to you, keepin' you all isolated here? It's obvious you're just lonely... hey, now, just you watch where that tentacle is going. I can understand loneliness, but I'm not having any of that. Didn't your mother teach you any manners? That's inappropriate without a lady's consent. We're gonna have to spend some quality time together talking about bad touch, aren't we? Maybe that's why you have a hard time makin' friends.
I know, let's start you out connecting with those people shambling along over there. Oh, but, they sure don't look too healthy. And, well that's strange. I can't hear any thoughts coming from them... Jesus! Did one of them just lose an arm? Oh, no way! Shambling, rotten flesh, no thinking going on? They can't seriously be zombies! I've seem some weird stuff, and I mean weird, but I ain't never seen the walking dead. Well, unless you count vampires, but they're a lot more attractive; at least they aren't missing body parts. And they might want my blood, but they certainly don't want my brains!
Well now, that's okay, we can still try and make friends, can't we honey? After all, a sea monster can't be too discriminating in her acquaintances. I'm sure eventually they might make for more stimulating conversation. I want you to just introduce yourself and shake hands, nice and polite. No, their hands are not down there! And you zombies, quit trying to bite her! Oh honey, no, that was not an invitation to mangle them! Although, on second thought...you just do what you like, and we'll work on manners later.
Poll Vote!
Character: Akiyama Shinichi
Series: Liar Game
Character Age: 27
Job: Con-man Financial Advisor
Canon: Once upon a time the LGT sent an invitation (and ten million yen) to one Kanzaki Nao, inviting her to play in the Liar Game, a tournament built on winning as much money as one can. Of course, by opening the invitation, she was forced into entry, and being the type she was, she didn't have much of a chance to win. A lawyer advised she should find a con-man who could help her figure out what to do with it. So she did. Enter Akiyama Shinichi, famous criminal, who took down an entire corporation to get revenge for his mother. He ends up in the Liar Game as well, and he and Nao have decided to take down the LGT.
Akiyama is a smart man, to say the least. He graduated from university with a Master's of Psychology, and boy, does it show. Aside from being the genius con-artist and single-handedly taking down a corporation, he is a man who is built to read people. Though he sometimes seems somewhat cold and cynical, he himself can be persuaded by genuine feelings, which is how Nao ends up convincing him to help. He says it's for the money, but he has compassion. He does like winning, for both himself and those he is helping, and he generally explains how he's managed the task, sooner or later. When he's playing, he's serious, always watching the people and the situations before him. He does know how to use his words and actions to best effect. He's changed though, from a rougher man, bitter at people after the incident with his mother, to more of a soft side. It's that side of him that enables him to work toward an end to the game that benefits everyone trapped within it.
Sample Entry:
Have you ever heard of the prisoners' dilemma? Right now, it's not the dilemma itself that's important, but the name. Prisoners. I didn't come here willingly, but being here isn't really unusual for someone like me, but I guess you know that. In some way, we're all trapped, whether by the LGT or the owner of this camp... or in this cae, maybe both. It was strange to find that invitation in my mailbox. At least the ones for the LGT aren't covered in slime. I'm not sure what you're really expecting from me. My reputation means that financial advice is probably something you don't want from me, but if you insist. However, whatever money you make on this venture, you give me half. How's that? It gives incentive to succeed.
Fine, you don't need to agree. At least not yet. We'll work on that a little harder in the coming days. There's also a few more things we'll have to work on, too. Escape? Well, let's leave that something more of a mystery. The guy who runs this may like to make it clear that you're all not to leave, but that doesn't mean everything is up to her completely. That's what she'd like you to believe and that's where the problem begins. You've never needed her permission to do something before, so why would it start now?
I find it interesting that she's chosen to run this kind of game. There's no winner, it's zero-sum. Everyone who wins only wins because someone else loses. There are lots of those kinds of games, of course, but in this case I'll call it an infection game. Albeit a more literal version than I've played before. A far more literal version than I've played before. Do we need actual vaccines? How long does this game run, to get so bad..? Open sores? Even the LGT hasn't quite gone that far. Maybe doing my job is in my best interests for a change. Victory is always attainable, if we cooperate. So, in that case, please listen carefully.
I'm not going to spend a long time talking about money. Use common sense, just like you would about anything else. But if you insist, there are a few things that I can tell you that would serve you well. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. Maybe some of you know that already, and it holds true for either money or goods. Next, be honest, but not too honest. You never know when someone will take advantage of that weakness. If you don't believe that, I have some swampland in Louisiana I'd like to sell you. Third, and most importantly, don't think about the game you just lost.
Poll Vote!
Character: Ivan
Series: Being Human
Character Age: 237
Job: Twitter Supervisor
Canon information contains some spoilers
Canon: Being Human is simply the tale of three twenty-something friends sharing a house in Bristol, and going through the adventures of finding love, acceptance, and just surviving in this hectic world. Managing these very human concerns can be hard enough for your average guy, but for a vampire, a ghost, and a werewolf it can a little bit more awkward to juggle. They just want to be regular people, and so Mitchell, the vampire, sets out to wean his newly inherited vampire coven off blood in order to hide their activities and integrate them better as humans. For that end, he recruits the oldest vampire, Ivan, to become the poster boy for his blood addiction support group.
Before arriving in Bristol, Ivan had previously been traveling all over the world as a war tourist. Having been a vampire for quite a long time now, he perceives humanity with a sort of curiosity as he's forgotten what it's like to be human. This interest is usually portrayed in his fascination with human pop culture, in particular, and a small penchant for gadgets. He can be characterized as a jaded, sarcastic fellow, if armed with a dark sense of humor that illustrates everything in a worst case scenario. Ivan's dilemma lies in having to pretend to be a good role models for other vampires in abstaining from feeding on humans, when in fact he sates his hunger for blood in private. This double unlife is the source of Ivan's conflict, but he can be pushed out of his pessimistic attitude with some insistent prodding. Well connected and well traveled, he seems to always possess a way out of everything except for his bloodlust.
Sample Entry:
I gotta say after hearing so much about this place, being here in person and meeting you all in the flesh is quite disappointing. You inhabit a fluctuating center of power, constantly shifting in magnitude to contain a quaint number of magical little beings. This literal ebb and flow shifting over you as innocent little lambs arrive and then disappear. The power vacuum here expands and grows, while you all earnestly and devotedly believe you'll last forever just because you're walled in within this invisible dome of miserable chaos. You'd think a collection of the most exquisite and befuddled creatures would give way to something more entertaining than fans trampling each other at a Justin Bieber event. And yet, you all just mingle here, restlessly and boringly.
So, what am I doing here?
Could I possibly pass up the chance to watch campers in their not so natural habitat, scrambling about and unaware of how this whole place, silo and all, is collapsing on itself? One day, sooner than later, the lot of you will just snap, and I would like to do nothing more than sit back and watch the body parts fly. This is a prime opportunity when everything on the telly is getting canceled left and right. So make it worth the trip, my dears. This will become yet another monument of trampled dreams and vapid, distorted realities. Let your unresolved sexual tensions, rampant plagues, and not quite diseased cows run amok along the path of destruction, and I will be here to take in the dark glory of it all.
You would have liked me to say that, wouldn't you have? Much as I would have loved to teach every one of you how to revel in the morbid bloodbath you'd eventually fall into, orchestrating disasters has never really been on my travel agenda. Instead, I'm going to instruct you in the way of procrastinating toward your doom, so whip out these ghastly 2005 Dells they dumped on you and let me show you how learning about zombies online was my idea. If you're not quite up to being educated just yet, we could very well partake in the intricate art of tweeting as soon as my blue twitter birdie stops mating with the toucans. With any luck, you too can sell your soul to a cult and become a trending topic forever. And when I'm done with you, you'll be infecting each other with your aging viruses and youtube links in no time.
In the meantime, let me set down one ground rule: No birthday passwords. Mine is too old for the database.
Poll Vote!
Character: Sarutobi Sasuke
Series: Sengoku Basara
Character Age: About 22
Job: Boy Scout Troop Leader
Canon: The year, unknown. The time, set vaguely in the Warring States period, if you ignore the gundams, the machine guns, and the horses running around with handlebars and exhaust pipes attached to them. Sengoku Basara offers a new take on the turbulent times of the Warring States, with more flash and style than you can shake a sword at. The story follows Our Two Heroes, Sanada Yukimura and Date Masamune, as they fight with their armies to defeat the (obviously evil) Demon King Oda Nobunaga, complete with putting guns on and explosionating entire armies of mooks.
Sarutobi Sasuke is Yukimura's resident ninja squad leader and seems to be the only sane one in the Takeda Army. He says that he's one of the most competent, smartest, strongest, and most handsome ninja around, and well... he'd be mostly right. Serving for the Takeda means that he has his work cut out for him, and he does his job well, even if he would occasionally like a pay raise for some of the antics he endures. Serious and polite when he's working (so as to get better information), Sasuke shows a more casual and cocky side around those he's friendly with. To this point he's constantly teasing even his 'master' Yukimura about girls, proposing that he and fellow ninja Kasuga get married, and managing to keep a straight face as he watches Yukimura and Shingen punch and scream each other's name. All in a day's work!
Sample Entry:
My, my. This is definitely an unexpected location, isn't it? I've seen my share of wet and wild places, this is wetter and wilder than that one time in ninja camp. Especially Miss Marcy, here-- I've only seen tentacle monsters as lovely as that in woodblock cuttings, not in lakes. But even if this place is wet, it looks like I'll be wild looking enough to fit in, as long as the swamp doesn't eat off my clothing. But hey, that's the first lesson for you, boys! Always try to blend in with your surroundings. The better for you to watch and observe. Stealth is key. The second lesson is... always know who's around you.
Sarutobi Sasuke, leader of the Sanada Ninja Squadron. I'm here to spread the wealth... of me, of course! Pulled here from my comfy ninja work to help train and shape the boy scouts of tomorrow. And they've even offered me a pay... well, that isn't important, is it? So let's get down to business, hmm?
Boy Scouts are-- we~eell actually-- I'm not really sure what the boy scouts are. Some sort of foreigner thing, and something like what the One-Eyed Dragon would be into, and no, that's not a euphemism. But whatever they are, I was pretty sure that they were boys. This squad look like men to me. Or aat least you look like you used to be men, though you're missing one or two appendages. It's hard on you, huh, that you can't even get hard. But never mind that. Most of you have at least one arm intact, and that's good enough to get a good start! Perhaps we should call you the "Zombie Scouts"? "Ninja scouts"? You fit in even better with the surroundings than I do. That's the first lesson, remember!
Zombie Ninja Scouts it is-- it's fine if it's me changing my job, isn't it? So let's continue then, shall we? According to this guide, let's a lot of work ahead of us. Earning badges, doing good deeds, learning skills that will assist you throughout your afterlives, this all the sorts of things that even a one-armed zombie ninja scout should be able to do with ease. Stand up as straight as you can, hold your limbs by your sides -- no hold them, or do you need me to tie them on? -- and let's try some exercises to get you guys all nice and ready for your first training session and--!
--it's a good start, but maybe we should try again with less throwing of limbs. Right now your fists are being thrown around more than those of two others that I know, even if theirs are still attached to their bodies. Come on, Zombie Ninja Scouts. Should we start back at lesson one? This time, the second lesson is to know where your hands and feet are at all times.
Poll Vote!
Character: Rocket Raccoon
Series: Guardians of the Galaxy, Marvel Comics
Age: Fully mature raccoon
Job: Critter Coordinator
Canon:
After a series of intergalactic wars weaken the fabric of space and time, a coalition of cosmic champions assemble to form a proactive strike force dedicated to keeping the known universe in one piece. Calling themselves the Guardians of the Galaxy, these beings have made it their mission to keep all of reality from unraveling - and with universal integrity on the line, they need the best possible men and women on the job.
Sometimes, though, the best possible man for the job is actually a gun-toting space raccoon.
Artificially evolved through alien science, Rocket Raccoon was granted beyond-human intelligence and the power of speech - an ability he tends to utilize to the point of distraction. A veteran space adventurer who’s never met a BFG he didn’t like, Rocket is a furry, irascible firecracker with an irrepressibly outsized personality to match his typically outsized ordnance. Fast-talking and irreverent, with an abiding fondness for the now-distant Earth, Rocket still may be the single most dedicated member of his team, fiercely loyal to his ‘mates and their mission if for no other reason than he’s having entirely too much fun to let the universe end on his watch.
Sample Entry:
Look, I appreciate you taking the time to meet with me on such short notice, especially since I understand you’re in the middle of some significant upheaval here yourselves. Moving is enough of a hassle without having to avert a small-scale planetary apocalypse at the same time, so I realize things aren’t exactly running at a hundred percent right out of the stargate. . . But fellas, you called me, and that ought to mean you respect the kind of work I do as a professional. And as a professional, there are certain minimum standards of quality I need to have in my workplace, my materials, and especially my co-workers in order to optimize my job performance. . . None of which are being met here.
Because I’ve served with some rag-tag outfits in my time, and you lot are without doubt the single sorriest sack of sentients this side of the Lesser Magellanic Cloud! This is a complete dog’s breakfast of an operation you’ve got here, and I mean that with all due respect to our canine friends. Take my job title - “Critter Coordinator”? What does that even mean? I guess I should be grateful you didn’t spell that with two Ks and write it out in crayon, but first of all, the correct term is “Woodland Creature.” Critter is not only derogatory; it’s demeaning to folks like me who try to define ourselves as something a little more than the habitat-based stereotypes associated with having a sylvan background.
Second, just look at who you’re trying to get me to coordinate here. I get the gist of this job, I do: you want me to make sure that when a spunky young heroine of possibly royal heritage so much as even thinks of breaking into song, there’s a Spontaneous Musical Number Response Team already on alert, ready to find her, flank her, and provide covering harmonies from first verse to last. But seriously?
This place is Iowa on a good day, meaning it’s got all the biodiversity of a box of Animal Crackers. I’m no more likely to discriminate than the next placental mammal - I don’t care whether your exterior’s furred, feathered, slimy, scaled, or. . . uh, rotting. Eeugh. Here, though, you’re giving me telepathic wildfowl, fire-breathing ducks, all sorts of freaky hodgepodge zombie beasties -I’m still waiting on that emergency requisition I made for some electric sheep - and cows. Cows! You know what you get when you throw all that together? Not a charming lyrical interlude, that’s what!
And finally, listen, I don’t want to make waves here. . . Even amber ones, of grain. But this-and I know this gets back to that critter thing-but if I hear one more of your slack-jawed undead yokels call me a “varmint” and accuse me of knockin’ over his trashcans, I swear to Galactus I will pull out my Xarthian quantum cannon and atomize him. I draw a hard line on this kind of thing, and it’s like I told those putzes who like taking potshots at wolves from a helicopter - it’s only sporting if they shoot back. And brother, I will.
Poll Vote!