THE FUN
IT DOES NOT STOP.
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE closed.
Character: Xigbar
Series: Kingdom Hearts II (some info from final mix)
Character Age: physically, mid to late 30s
Job: Gravity Maintenance
Canon: Kingdom Hearts (and its sequels) is about a teenage boy who wields a giant skeleton key of doom and flies from Disney movie to Disney movie in a huge LEGO airplane. With Donald Duck and Goofy at his side, he fights Heartless, most of which are ink-puddle monsters with big glowing eyes. Despite the fact that these games should, by all rights, be unbearably cute and cheesy (and they are), there are powerful messages to go with the fluff. There's friendship, betrayal, forgiveness and sacrifice. There's the courage to keep going after you've lost everything. There's the strength to do what's right even though the price is high. All that, and the most famous mouse in existence.
In the world of Kingdom Hearts II, there is a group of ‘big bads’ called Organization XIII. They’re powerful beings who command forces of nature and look like people, but are actually the leftovers of humanity after a being’s heart has been removed by a Heartless. Xigbar is second in command of the Organization and a scientist, but it’s hard to believe. He has a surfer’s accent, and very expressive hands. He doesn’t believe in personal space. He does believe in eavesdropping and hanging out in very high places- like ceilings, and the tops of walls. Still, he's got visible scars and lacks an eye- he's seen battle. He breaks the law of gravity as easy as breathing, and when he gets out the guns… well, you won’t live long enough to wet your pants.
Sample Post:
Liz, babe. We gotta talk.
Yeah, I took the tour, saw the sights. The way I see it, you've let this place go. It's not a prison camp, it's a health spa. This might be 'Camp Fuck You Die', but there's no emphasis on the 'die'. Sure, the zombies'll chow on any campers too stupid or too slow to get outta the way, but you body count should be way higher. Lemme do somethin' about that. I can make 'em lighter on their feet. Get the zombies moving faster and maybe they'll get lunch more often- make the campers think twice about putzin' around like they got all the time in the world.
I don't know what's goin' on with the tutus. Now, if the gorillas are usin' em to lull the campers into a false sense of security... I guess it works. They still look like a bunch a pansies. Marcy... is fine. Marcy is great. Leave 'er in the lake, she's doing a great job right where she is! But we can do better, Liz. How about this: you drop a tower in camp. Put a big freakin' gun turret right on top and aim it at the Mess Hall. Nothin' works up an appetite like dodging bullets. The campers might go hungry for a while, but eventually someone'll get creative and find a way in. Maybe some'll even work up the guts to storm the tower and take out the gun.
This camp's supposed to be about torment, right? Why else would you let the kids have groping but no sex? Make 'em work harder for those comfy beds and full stomachs. The caves are good- great monster count and some of 'em are even powerful. But you gotta make it mandatory attendance. You got a bunch a' weaklings in Camp who'd benefit from real battle experience. Maybe they can't dish out the hurt, but who cares? The moogles keep death from being permanent.
Me, a sadist? As if!
Poll So?
Character: Gunzi
Series: Togainu no Chi
Character Age: Early twenties
Job: Corporal Punishment
Canon: The story of Togainu no Chi follows Akira, a young street fighter who is forced to take part in a deadly tournament in a dystopian Japan. Known as Igura, the tournament takes place in the lawless city of Toshima and is run by a criminal organization called Vischio, who promise wealth and power to the victor. To win is simple: defeat the mysterious Il-Re, so-called "ruler" of Toshima, in battle. To qualify as a challenger, however, is a slightly more complicated matter. Participants are to fight each other for unique dog tags, collecting them to form a hand much like in game of poker --- that is, if the game involves killing your opponents. New to this free-for-all bloodbath, Akira soon finds that even survival in the Godforsaken city is no small feat.
Two "punishers" are employed by the Vischio to keep the tournament running smoothly. Their job is to deal any rule-breaking swiftly and without compromise, and --- surprise, surprise --- this means executing the delinquents involved. Taking out the trash gets a little boring after a while though, so the punishers like to entertain themselves, often toying with their victims and or even killing indiscriminately with little provocation.
Manic, hyper, and and having a short attention span, Gunzi, the crazier of the two, is almost like a little kid. He says nonsensical things in a sing-songy voice and acts like a brat around his older partner (calling him an old man, and what not), the latter often earning himself a whack to the head with a steel pipe. Yet, despite his generally immature disposition, Gunzi is a highly skilled fighter and can be quite canny when the situation warrants it. What makes him so terrifying though is his unpredictability. There is just no telling what he might do next --- he can pursue someone with a predator's tenacity and then just as easily drop the whole thing. That being said, he isn't an entirely callous bastard: he can be rather amicable when he is in the mood, sometimes even nurturing (to animals and pets mostly) in that demented way of his.
Sample Post:
Oi, you. You look strong, how about a fight? The old man isn't around and taking out the garbage by myself is boring, so why don't you play with me? It'll take only a little while, I'll cut you up nice and quick! Whaddaya say? No? Whaaaaat come oooooooonnn~ If you won't fight me then join us! Vischio treats its employers well! Work in the great outdoors, sleep in comfortable beds indoors, clean showers -- no blood! -- and three square meals a day -- except Tuesdays -- and there might even be real sugar! It's not as great as back in the Palace in Toshima but it's still great! Heeyyyy don't ignore me~!
Aaaaahhhhh, he went away, how boring! But there are lots of strong people here, people like Shikitty, so it's all right. I'll just find someone else. I like it here because there are so many interesting people, and many interesting pets~ Isn't that right, Tama? Or was it Pochi? ...right, like that cat that goes "kupo" instead of "nyaaaaa". Or the birds that keep saying that they've been bad and I should punish them. Anyway, Tama, you're getting big and heavy, so you can't sit on my shoulder anymore. I'll have to get you a collar and a leash like Pochi's, but every time I ask for one people will wink at me and tell me to go to the chapel! It's weird, but this is a weird place. It doesn't smell so different from Toshima though! Keheheh. The water is like the factory dump, and those people shuffling around, they smell just like rotting trash! Gyaha!
Oh, lookie here~♪ What's this? Looks like someone doesn't know the rules around here~ Are you scared? Ehehehe. Here, I'll give you two choices: you want to be cut vertically or horizontally? Pick one, pick one! It doesn't matter which because you're already dead! Gyahahaha!
Mercy? Gyahaha! Don't know what mercy is! Hahahaha--- WHOA, THAT FEELS SLIMY.
Poll So?
Character: The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland (a.k.a. Arthur Kirkland)
Series: Axis Powers Hetalia!
Character Age: Thousands of years old, but appears 23.
Job: Grand Ambassador of Sex (Which is a title France gives him in canon, to poke fun at the fact that the UK is constantly showing up in the news for bizarre sex acts.)
Canon: (Note: There are naming issues for him, but mostly I'll be calling him England, because that's how the other characters refer to him in canon. Some of the strips take place before the UK was formed, and it's simply more convenient than his full name.) England often comes off as cold and stuffy, but there's a lot more to him than that -- he can be easily flustered (especially by America, who he has a love/hate rivalry with) and he's very devoted to those he cares about, even if he tries very hard not to show it. He arrives earlier than everyone else for UN meetings, just so he can secretly draw caricatures of all the countries on the board; and the others question his sanity at times, as he loves to hang out with faeries and unicorns and all manner of supernatural beings nobody else can see.
He bickers constantly with France, is terrified of being left alone in a room with Russia, gets sick every 4th of July, dresses up as an angel to create miracles, and can out-do everybody else in Halloween scares unless they ask Japan for help. It's not entirely his fault he acts old and prickly sometimes, as he has a tendency to end up raising nations that inevitably want independence from him (the canon explanation for the American Revolution is quite simply that England was too tsundere for his own good). Still, despite his eccentricities, he's one of the more sane nations in Hetalia, even if he seems to constantly wish the damn kids would get off his lawn already.
Sample Post:
What exactly is America trying to pull off, here? This isn't a camp, it's some sort of... hoard of stolen creatures! There are unicorns here, which he has to have stolen -- and I would know, as he's denied their existence to my face on more than one occasion, the liar -- and even dragons! There is no such thing as an American dragon, or you can be assured he would have flaunted it in my or China's face already. And just look how he's perverted those poor gorillas! The countries in Africa are going to be livid when they hear about it, you can be sure. I know he likes to pass off everybody else's possessions as his own, but this is getting out of hand. I see he's left some things of his own here, however... those zombies, for one. Yes, those are most definitely his. And that tentacled beast in the lake... well, he and Japan have become close as of late, I suppose.
As to this proposed 'job' -- which I have no intention of carrying out, I might add -- I would like to know when France got to have a say in American summer camps, if that's indeed what this place is. It would figure that America would only listen to France when it comes to humiliating me -- of course, he'll probably claim the idea was his to begin with, but that's beside the point. This is absolutely ridiculous. Why is it that the one time the rest of the world wants to talk to him, he's nowhere to be found? Wait, I know why, it's so he can continue be a damned nuisance. If it's convenient to have him around, of course he wouldn't be. Should have realized that. He's probably waiting for us to all come looking so that he can make a grand entrance of some sort. Well, I'm not falling for it! I will not acknowledge this 'job'! Do you hear me, America?!
Ah... I should stop yelling to myself before someone notices. There are people here, at any rate -- strange people, perhaps, but I'm sure proving myself unstable won't help anyone take my complaint seriously. The others always refuse to listen for hours after seeing me with the faeries... as though their impurity is my fault, really. Surely they have to see the problem, no one would be expected to take such a job without prior knowledge; not to mention I already have a job, and one far superior to anything here! It's obviously a prank, and a childish one at that.
How does this supposed job have any practical use, anyway? And how exactly am I expected to carry it out? By giving instructions? I can just see that, honestly! What do they think I would do? Something akin to France's behavior, no doubt. They're probably expecting something like... oh, I know -- you there, you're going about it all wrong. That won't do at all. Here, you'll need a demonstration. Now now, don't worry. Just lie back and think of... well. Me.
Poll So?
Character name: Kazama Daisuke
Series: Kamen Rider Kabuto
Age: 22
Job: Camp Ultimate Beautification Technician (Make-up artist)
Canon: In Kamen Rider Kabuto, a select few are given the ability to transform into warriors known as Riders so they can protect Earth from evil shapeshifting aliens. While most of these young men are full of justice, desire revenge, or both, for Kazama Daisuke, becoming a spandex-wearing masked superhero and helping to kill the monster-of-the-week is nowhere near what he wants in life.
Often using wind metaphors to describe himself, Daisuke prefers to always be on the move and try and give every woman he meets a gorgeous makeover. "A wind that blows from flower to flower", as he likes to say. With his guitar case full of beauty supplies and almost godmodly talent with cosmetics, he never fails to take an opportunity to flirt and do a woman's make-up. He does however, fail at compliments. He can say you're beautiful but it takes his loli assistant, Gon, to finish it with with something like "beautiful like a goddess." Without Gon, Daisuke just leaves his sentences awkwardly hanging. Aside from that quirk, he's usually a calm and refined speaker who sounds a bit flamboyant when it come to make-up.
While he's charismatic and even naive at times when it comes to women, to everyone else Daisuke meets, he comes off as shallow, prideful, occasionally impulsive and just plain weird. He's certainly not one of the bad guys but it takes time for him to play nice with the other Riders. For those who can gain his trust, he can be incredibly loyal and protective. It's just a bit difficult since "no one can catch the wind."
Note: Apper wasn't kidding about his talent with make-up.
Sample Entry:
When the director offered me this job, I knew it was going to be special. After all, she must have taste for choosing someone of my talent. But it looks like the wind has blown over a rough terrain. The first thing I was asked was my thoughts on traps. I assured the director that no obstacle can hold me down so long as there are flowers to see, and that my only rule is I don't do men's make-up. I'll admit it, I wouldn't be here at all if I didn't know how many clients needed my guidance. This place smells like death and it's repulsive for a welcoming committee to greet me with "make your time, make-up boy." Tch. Obviously, camp's taste doesn't exist if they don't even know how famous I am.
I've had clients ask me to make them 'glow like the radiant lake' before, but the lakes in question have never actually been radioactive. But I can't complain; who am I to deny someone who wants to be beautiful? Especially since there's nothing here but shambling monsters who wouldn't know artistic talent if it bit them. And not just literally. Strange name for a dog. A true artist wouldn't think that "Eau de Tuesday Soup" and "axe murderer red" lipstick should even be near a woman. But never fear! Camp will bloom under my guidance now. Allow me to demonstrate.
You there! Yes, you. The young woman with the green spots and the oozing. Please! Don't be shy. I promise your true beauty will come out when I'm done. Hahaha! There's no need to say "iyaa!" It is my duty to make every woman happy. Now then...
Kazama style ascension technique. Ultimate make-up.
--Behold! A flower has bloomed! Note how there's no sign of oozing now. I covered the unfortunate smell with my perfume. Her spots? Are either gone or have become cute moles~ I was even able to fix her smile. She seems especially appreciative that I found her two front teeth. A smile is much better when the jaw is in the right place, isn't it? Young miss, your beauty now shines like a...ah...like a...umm...Shines like tinfoil? A-Ah, wait no! That's not what I meant! Um...Shines like a bowling ball? No, that's not it either. N-Never mind! What matters is that you're beautiful! Please~ Don't be upset. I didn't mean to say those things before. I was only showing how tasteless the toucans here can be. Now then, onto the next item.
I've been told there's a particularly challenging client with a unique face and only the best are allowed to even be near her. She sounds shy~ How cute! Hard-to-bloom flowers require a little more time and effort but it's not impossible for me. It just takes a special breeze to get a flower to blossom~
...Oi! I don't mean "breaking wind." Tch! I feel sorry for my client already. It's unfortunate that she's surrounded by such crude people. Groping is not how you say hello anywhere, much less in Japan. Just take me to her and keep your hands to yourselves. Marcy sounds like she could use my touch instead.
Poll So?
Character name: Kuja
Series: Final Fantasy IX
Age: 24
Job: Head of the Theater Department
Canon: Final Fantasy IX is the story of what happens when you take a monkey-tailed thief/actor, a summoner princess, her fail!knight, and the world's cutest black mage and send them to find out why the Queen of Alexandria has been starting wars with everyone else all of a sudden. Or at least, that's where it starts. By the end of the game, it's moved to something closer to 'save the world,' in true Final Fantasy style. But it begins with war.
The person they find at the center of it all is Kuja. Flamboyant, ruthless, more than a little bit narcissistic and with a flair for the dramatic, he makes a surprisingly good catalyst for all sorts of destructive things, war included. It's what he was created to be; an Angel of Death, reaping the souls of Gaia so that Terra might live again. However, he's not entirely satisfied with the fact that he's effectively been under someone's control his entire life. As a result, he's spent a large part of his life on the planet he's planning to destroy looking for a power that will offer him the advantage; by the end of the game, he's found it.
Sample Entry:
The trap's been baited well, I see. Throw open the gates of hell and bid time return? Quite an admirable feat, but a gilded cage is still a cage and I am no canary. Of course, you won't open your doors for me again, will you? No, I thought not. All the world's a stage, and it's not yet time for my exit. If my part in this is yet to come, then I welcome it with open arms, even if what the setting provides seems to be a little lacking. I'm certain that I could manage to find more suitable puppets than these poor souls, even if I have to make them myself. These ones seem to have an unfortunate tendency to leave pieces of themselves behind. They certainly won't be able to survive the story like that, to say nothing of the unsightly stains they seem to leave behind. It's been hard enough keeping my hems clean as it is here, there's no reason I should be forced to deal with that mess as well. As for the ones that are better constructed, they don't seem to be capable of serving either my needs or the needs of the tale that is to come. Hopefully, there are more suitable options. Preferably something that has neither a tendency to rot until there's nothing left nor a tendency to look far too menacing and ludicrous to be believed in any but the most simple of role. I'll be needing a more human touch for what I have in mind. Oh, I could easily create all the actors I needed for this but it wouldn't be the same. Even the best never did manage to quite capture that same humanity.
The tale I have in mind won't be a mere sequel of course. Not when there's so much more here than elsewhere. A simple continuation would hardly be making use of what this place has to offer. Instead, today shall usher in a grand, spiraling tale. One worthy of both the best this place has to offer and of me. It will begin slowly of course. The best epics always do; no more than one or two actors carrying the story at first. With luck, there will be a canary or two worth the attention of this tale that has yet to take shape in a place this size. All I need to do is to find those fortunate few who will be the main actors in the tale. They won't dare disagree when I'm through with them. I won't let them. A pair of unwilling players would ruin the story.
Now go. Bid the players assemble, turn out anyone who seems to have even the slightest interest. Turn out the young and the old. Turn out everyone who lives here if you must. I'm sure that will be simple enough for even your rotting brains. The parts determine the course of the play just as much as the beginning and the actors bring life to those parts. The prologue may have scarcely begun but the beginning is just as important as the end. The beginning sets the stage for that which is yet to come. It may be tears, it may be laughter, but without a beginning there can be neither. Nothing save a dead play that would be fit to show to no one and I won't let my story become such a mockery. Let someone else muddle through the fate of a story that has gotten so mired in itself that it can neither move forward nor retreat. Any story of my creation will not share that fate. It's my turn to guide the story and I won't settle for anything less than what I deserve. No matter what it takes.
Poll So?
Character name: People's Republic of China/Wang Yao
Series: Axis Powers Hetalia
Age: Over 4000!!1! Appears to be a young adult, though.
Job: Efficiency counselor
Canon: Axis Powers Hetalia! That series where moe anthropomorphic countries teach us history while touching each other a lot and being silly and horrible stereotypes. China is no exception. He's been through a lot, seen nations come and go, and he knows he'll be able to live through the worst. He's direct, blunt, and won't ever hesitate to say what he thinks. After all, he's China. He invented paper and was writing poetry while the rest of the world was running around in loincloths, or something. Naturally, he reminisces about the good old days... usually in the form of whining and clinging to pandas because they're cute and the rest of the world is so mean! He compulsively creates terrible knockoffs of American and Japanese products because all he wants is to be just as ~cute~ as Japan, and just as rich as America is (or... was. sob.) Why do they have to be so mean to him back? And England drugged him, and Russia just likes looming above him, and Korea won't stop groping him, and let's hate on Germany and France for no reason and...! Let's just say China really misses the gold old days.
Note: In canon, China has a stereotypical... Chinese accent, ends all his sentences with "aru," etc. For our purposes, let's just say China's grammar ain't the best.
Sample entry:
That America, what is he thinking? Not that he does much, but this camp is all wrong. Where is Mickey and Minnie Mouse? Where are picturesque photo ops? Where are the fat children running around with hamburgers? All I see are gross people falling apart, and they look nothing like zombies from Hollywood movies. I'm disappointed. This production is no good, the craftsmanship is terrible! If you want efficiency and quality, you come to me, I make it for you. Let me show you with this example:
Welcome to Camp Duck You Fry, in the bogs of Guangdong. It's named after the dish, Peking duck, so everyone will know how authentically Chinese this is. Aren't ducks cute? Delicious, too, very good for dinner parties. CDUF is headed by Chairwoman Lizzy Sayer, a beautiful and enlightened woman dictator whose only desire is to avenge her husband-to-be. When you arrive, first everyone tells you to avoid Tuesday's rice congee. How you mess up congee, you ask? I don't know, but even the best cook can make mistakes. Sometimes, it's so hard to keep track of things, like where someone put the lead, and where I keep MSG, but it's okay. As long as it tastes good, and no one dies. Besides, everyone blames Camp, so why can't I, too?
The other thing everybody warns you about is the magical yellow river with Darcy, the amorous octopus. Darcy just wants love, so he touches all the pretty girls and boys, but he is really looking for his one true love, Lizzy, who keeps shunning Darcy becaus-- aiyah, I think I'm mixing up my inspirations, never mind. But, there are not only bad things in Camp. There is also the deflatable homohomo club, the auspicious bikini bush, and a gimp cabin with a big, black leather mask on the roof that people live in. I don't know why young people like to live in a house's hat, it makes them sound like fleas, but it seems popular, so I copied, okay?
Then, there is also the true dark side of Camp. You cannot leave because there is an impenetrable metal fence... Aiyah, that doesn't make sense at all-- people are always jumping over America's fences! That's why if you really want to keep barbarians out, you build a wall and close your ports. Unless they have something really nice that you can't get from anyone else, and it is very soothing, and once you have it once, it's very hard to stop smoki-- damnit England! I still hate you...!
Anyway! The last step is to come up with a cute subtitle for Camp. Let's hear some suggestions and see if you learned anything. ..."Now with bear rape?" That's horrible, who would do XXX to cute pandas! Even pandas do not want to have XXX with each other, it is very problematic as they are like national treasures. We change that to "now with barely any rape," okay? It assures people of safety, and safety is number one to many people-- aiyah, don't be silly. I am not re-making Camp Fuck You Die! Dying is so violent, Camp Duck You Fry is much nicer. See? I said "barely any rape," not "hardly." It is very different to be bare than to be hard. ...You should just trust me on this one.
Poll So?
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE closed.
Character: Xigbar
Series: Kingdom Hearts II (some info from final mix)
Character Age: physically, mid to late 30s
Job: Gravity Maintenance
Canon: Kingdom Hearts (and its sequels) is about a teenage boy who wields a giant skeleton key of doom and flies from Disney movie to Disney movie in a huge LEGO airplane. With Donald Duck and Goofy at his side, he fights Heartless, most of which are ink-puddle monsters with big glowing eyes. Despite the fact that these games should, by all rights, be unbearably cute and cheesy (and they are), there are powerful messages to go with the fluff. There's friendship, betrayal, forgiveness and sacrifice. There's the courage to keep going after you've lost everything. There's the strength to do what's right even though the price is high. All that, and the most famous mouse in existence.
In the world of Kingdom Hearts II, there is a group of ‘big bads’ called Organization XIII. They’re powerful beings who command forces of nature and look like people, but are actually the leftovers of humanity after a being’s heart has been removed by a Heartless. Xigbar is second in command of the Organization and a scientist, but it’s hard to believe. He has a surfer’s accent, and very expressive hands. He doesn’t believe in personal space. He does believe in eavesdropping and hanging out in very high places- like ceilings, and the tops of walls. Still, he's got visible scars and lacks an eye- he's seen battle. He breaks the law of gravity as easy as breathing, and when he gets out the guns… well, you won’t live long enough to wet your pants.
Sample Post:
Liz, babe. We gotta talk.
Yeah, I took the tour, saw the sights. The way I see it, you've let this place go. It's not a prison camp, it's a health spa. This might be 'Camp Fuck You Die', but there's no emphasis on the 'die'. Sure, the zombies'll chow on any campers too stupid or too slow to get outta the way, but you body count should be way higher. Lemme do somethin' about that. I can make 'em lighter on their feet. Get the zombies moving faster and maybe they'll get lunch more often- make the campers think twice about putzin' around like they got all the time in the world.
I don't know what's goin' on with the tutus. Now, if the gorillas are usin' em to lull the campers into a false sense of security... I guess it works. They still look like a bunch a pansies. Marcy... is fine. Marcy is great. Leave 'er in the lake, she's doing a great job right where she is! But we can do better, Liz. How about this: you drop a tower in camp. Put a big freakin' gun turret right on top and aim it at the Mess Hall. Nothin' works up an appetite like dodging bullets. The campers might go hungry for a while, but eventually someone'll get creative and find a way in. Maybe some'll even work up the guts to storm the tower and take out the gun.
This camp's supposed to be about torment, right? Why else would you let the kids have groping but no sex? Make 'em work harder for those comfy beds and full stomachs. The caves are good- great monster count and some of 'em are even powerful. But you gotta make it mandatory attendance. You got a bunch a' weaklings in Camp who'd benefit from real battle experience. Maybe they can't dish out the hurt, but who cares? The moogles keep death from being permanent.
Me, a sadist? As if!
Poll So?
Character: Gunzi
Series: Togainu no Chi
Character Age: Early twenties
Job: Corporal Punishment
Canon: The story of Togainu no Chi follows Akira, a young street fighter who is forced to take part in a deadly tournament in a dystopian Japan. Known as Igura, the tournament takes place in the lawless city of Toshima and is run by a criminal organization called Vischio, who promise wealth and power to the victor. To win is simple: defeat the mysterious Il-Re, so-called "ruler" of Toshima, in battle. To qualify as a challenger, however, is a slightly more complicated matter. Participants are to fight each other for unique dog tags, collecting them to form a hand much like in game of poker --- that is, if the game involves killing your opponents. New to this free-for-all bloodbath, Akira soon finds that even survival in the Godforsaken city is no small feat.
Two "punishers" are employed by the Vischio to keep the tournament running smoothly. Their job is to deal any rule-breaking swiftly and without compromise, and --- surprise, surprise --- this means executing the delinquents involved. Taking out the trash gets a little boring after a while though, so the punishers like to entertain themselves, often toying with their victims and or even killing indiscriminately with little provocation.
Manic, hyper, and and having a short attention span, Gunzi, the crazier of the two, is almost like a little kid. He says nonsensical things in a sing-songy voice and acts like a brat around his older partner (calling him an old man, and what not), the latter often earning himself a whack to the head with a steel pipe. Yet, despite his generally immature disposition, Gunzi is a highly skilled fighter and can be quite canny when the situation warrants it. What makes him so terrifying though is his unpredictability. There is just no telling what he might do next --- he can pursue someone with a predator's tenacity and then just as easily drop the whole thing. That being said, he isn't an entirely callous bastard: he can be rather amicable when he is in the mood, sometimes even nurturing (to animals and pets mostly) in that demented way of his.
Sample Post:
Oi, you. You look strong, how about a fight? The old man isn't around and taking out the garbage by myself is boring, so why don't you play with me? It'll take only a little while, I'll cut you up nice and quick! Whaddaya say? No? Whaaaaat come oooooooonnn~ If you won't fight me then join us! Vischio treats its employers well! Work in the great outdoors, sleep in comfortable beds indoors, clean showers -- no blood! -- and three square meals a day -- except Tuesdays -- and there might even be real sugar! It's not as great as back in the Palace in Toshima but it's still great! Heeyyyy don't ignore me~!
Aaaaahhhhh, he went away, how boring! But there are lots of strong people here, people like Shikitty, so it's all right. I'll just find someone else. I like it here because there are so many interesting people, and many interesting pets~ Isn't that right, Tama? Or was it Pochi? ...right, like that cat that goes "kupo" instead of "nyaaaaa". Or the birds that keep saying that they've been bad and I should punish them. Anyway, Tama, you're getting big and heavy, so you can't sit on my shoulder anymore. I'll have to get you a collar and a leash like Pochi's, but every time I ask for one people will wink at me and tell me to go to the chapel! It's weird, but this is a weird place. It doesn't smell so different from Toshima though! Keheheh. The water is like the factory dump, and those people shuffling around, they smell just like rotting trash! Gyaha!
Oh, lookie here~♪ What's this? Looks like someone doesn't know the rules around here~ Are you scared? Ehehehe. Here, I'll give you two choices: you want to be cut vertically or horizontally? Pick one, pick one! It doesn't matter which because you're already dead! Gyahahaha!
Mercy? Gyahaha! Don't know what mercy is! Hahahaha--- WHOA, THAT FEELS SLIMY.
Poll So?
Character: The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland (a.k.a. Arthur Kirkland)
Series: Axis Powers Hetalia!
Character Age: Thousands of years old, but appears 23.
Job: Grand Ambassador of Sex (Which is a title France gives him in canon, to poke fun at the fact that the UK is constantly showing up in the news for bizarre sex acts.)
Canon: (Note: There are naming issues for him, but mostly I'll be calling him England, because that's how the other characters refer to him in canon. Some of the strips take place before the UK was formed, and it's simply more convenient than his full name.) England often comes off as cold and stuffy, but there's a lot more to him than that -- he can be easily flustered (especially by America, who he has a love/hate rivalry with) and he's very devoted to those he cares about, even if he tries very hard not to show it. He arrives earlier than everyone else for UN meetings, just so he can secretly draw caricatures of all the countries on the board; and the others question his sanity at times, as he loves to hang out with faeries and unicorns and all manner of supernatural beings nobody else can see.
He bickers constantly with France, is terrified of being left alone in a room with Russia, gets sick every 4th of July, dresses up as an angel to create miracles, and can out-do everybody else in Halloween scares unless they ask Japan for help. It's not entirely his fault he acts old and prickly sometimes, as he has a tendency to end up raising nations that inevitably want independence from him (the canon explanation for the American Revolution is quite simply that England was too tsundere for his own good). Still, despite his eccentricities, he's one of the more sane nations in Hetalia, even if he seems to constantly wish the damn kids would get off his lawn already.
Sample Post:
What exactly is America trying to pull off, here? This isn't a camp, it's some sort of... hoard of stolen creatures! There are unicorns here, which he has to have stolen -- and I would know, as he's denied their existence to my face on more than one occasion, the liar -- and even dragons! There is no such thing as an American dragon, or you can be assured he would have flaunted it in my or China's face already. And just look how he's perverted those poor gorillas! The countries in Africa are going to be livid when they hear about it, you can be sure. I know he likes to pass off everybody else's possessions as his own, but this is getting out of hand. I see he's left some things of his own here, however... those zombies, for one. Yes, those are most definitely his. And that tentacled beast in the lake... well, he and Japan have become close as of late, I suppose.
As to this proposed 'job' -- which I have no intention of carrying out, I might add -- I would like to know when France got to have a say in American summer camps, if that's indeed what this place is. It would figure that America would only listen to France when it comes to humiliating me -- of course, he'll probably claim the idea was his to begin with, but that's beside the point. This is absolutely ridiculous. Why is it that the one time the rest of the world wants to talk to him, he's nowhere to be found? Wait, I know why, it's so he can continue be a damned nuisance. If it's convenient to have him around, of course he wouldn't be. Should have realized that. He's probably waiting for us to all come looking so that he can make a grand entrance of some sort. Well, I'm not falling for it! I will not acknowledge this 'job'! Do you hear me, America?!
Ah... I should stop yelling to myself before someone notices. There are people here, at any rate -- strange people, perhaps, but I'm sure proving myself unstable won't help anyone take my complaint seriously. The others always refuse to listen for hours after seeing me with the faeries... as though their impurity is my fault, really. Surely they have to see the problem, no one would be expected to take such a job without prior knowledge; not to mention I already have a job, and one far superior to anything here! It's obviously a prank, and a childish one at that.
How does this supposed job have any practical use, anyway? And how exactly am I expected to carry it out? By giving instructions? I can just see that, honestly! What do they think I would do? Something akin to France's behavior, no doubt. They're probably expecting something like... oh, I know -- you there, you're going about it all wrong. That won't do at all. Here, you'll need a demonstration. Now now, don't worry. Just lie back and think of... well. Me.
Poll So?
Character name: Kazama Daisuke
Series: Kamen Rider Kabuto
Age: 22
Job: Camp Ultimate Beautification Technician (Make-up artist)
Canon: In Kamen Rider Kabuto, a select few are given the ability to transform into warriors known as Riders so they can protect Earth from evil shapeshifting aliens. While most of these young men are full of justice, desire revenge, or both, for Kazama Daisuke, becoming a spandex-wearing masked superhero and helping to kill the monster-of-the-week is nowhere near what he wants in life.
Often using wind metaphors to describe himself, Daisuke prefers to always be on the move and try and give every woman he meets a gorgeous makeover. "A wind that blows from flower to flower", as he likes to say. With his guitar case full of beauty supplies and almost godmodly talent with cosmetics, he never fails to take an opportunity to flirt and do a woman's make-up. He does however, fail at compliments. He can say you're beautiful but it takes his loli assistant, Gon, to finish it with with something like "beautiful like a goddess." Without Gon, Daisuke just leaves his sentences awkwardly hanging. Aside from that quirk, he's usually a calm and refined speaker who sounds a bit flamboyant when it come to make-up.
While he's charismatic and even naive at times when it comes to women, to everyone else Daisuke meets, he comes off as shallow, prideful, occasionally impulsive and just plain weird. He's certainly not one of the bad guys but it takes time for him to play nice with the other Riders. For those who can gain his trust, he can be incredibly loyal and protective. It's just a bit difficult since "no one can catch the wind."
Note: Apper wasn't kidding about his talent with make-up.
Sample Entry:
When the director offered me this job, I knew it was going to be special. After all, she must have taste for choosing someone of my talent. But it looks like the wind has blown over a rough terrain. The first thing I was asked was my thoughts on traps. I assured the director that no obstacle can hold me down so long as there are flowers to see, and that my only rule is I don't do men's make-up. I'll admit it, I wouldn't be here at all if I didn't know how many clients needed my guidance. This place smells like death and it's repulsive for a welcoming committee to greet me with "make your time, make-up boy." Tch. Obviously, camp's taste doesn't exist if they don't even know how famous I am.
I've had clients ask me to make them 'glow like the radiant lake' before, but the lakes in question have never actually been radioactive. But I can't complain; who am I to deny someone who wants to be beautiful? Especially since there's nothing here but shambling monsters who wouldn't know artistic talent if it bit them. And not just literally. Strange name for a dog. A true artist wouldn't think that "Eau de Tuesday Soup" and "axe murderer red" lipstick should even be near a woman. But never fear! Camp will bloom under my guidance now. Allow me to demonstrate.
You there! Yes, you. The young woman with the green spots and the oozing. Please! Don't be shy. I promise your true beauty will come out when I'm done. Hahaha! There's no need to say "iyaa!" It is my duty to make every woman happy. Now then...
Kazama style ascension technique. Ultimate make-up.
--Behold! A flower has bloomed! Note how there's no sign of oozing now. I covered the unfortunate smell with my perfume. Her spots? Are either gone or have become cute moles~ I was even able to fix her smile. She seems especially appreciative that I found her two front teeth. A smile is much better when the jaw is in the right place, isn't it? Young miss, your beauty now shines like a...ah...like a...umm...Shines like tinfoil? A-Ah, wait no! That's not what I meant! Um...Shines like a bowling ball? No, that's not it either. N-Never mind! What matters is that you're beautiful! Please~ Don't be upset. I didn't mean to say those things before. I was only showing how tasteless the toucans here can be. Now then, onto the next item.
I've been told there's a particularly challenging client with a unique face and only the best are allowed to even be near her. She sounds shy~ How cute! Hard-to-bloom flowers require a little more time and effort but it's not impossible for me. It just takes a special breeze to get a flower to blossom~
...Oi! I don't mean "breaking wind." Tch! I feel sorry for my client already. It's unfortunate that she's surrounded by such crude people. Groping is not how you say hello anywhere, much less in Japan. Just take me to her and keep your hands to yourselves. Marcy sounds like she could use my touch instead.
Poll So?
Character name: Kuja
Series: Final Fantasy IX
Age: 24
Job: Head of the Theater Department
Canon: Final Fantasy IX is the story of what happens when you take a monkey-tailed thief/actor, a summoner princess, her fail!knight, and the world's cutest black mage and send them to find out why the Queen of Alexandria has been starting wars with everyone else all of a sudden. Or at least, that's where it starts. By the end of the game, it's moved to something closer to 'save the world,' in true Final Fantasy style. But it begins with war.
The person they find at the center of it all is Kuja. Flamboyant, ruthless, more than a little bit narcissistic and with a flair for the dramatic, he makes a surprisingly good catalyst for all sorts of destructive things, war included. It's what he was created to be; an Angel of Death, reaping the souls of Gaia so that Terra might live again. However, he's not entirely satisfied with the fact that he's effectively been under someone's control his entire life. As a result, he's spent a large part of his life on the planet he's planning to destroy looking for a power that will offer him the advantage; by the end of the game, he's found it.
Sample Entry:
The trap's been baited well, I see. Throw open the gates of hell and bid time return? Quite an admirable feat, but a gilded cage is still a cage and I am no canary. Of course, you won't open your doors for me again, will you? No, I thought not. All the world's a stage, and it's not yet time for my exit. If my part in this is yet to come, then I welcome it with open arms, even if what the setting provides seems to be a little lacking. I'm certain that I could manage to find more suitable puppets than these poor souls, even if I have to make them myself. These ones seem to have an unfortunate tendency to leave pieces of themselves behind. They certainly won't be able to survive the story like that, to say nothing of the unsightly stains they seem to leave behind. It's been hard enough keeping my hems clean as it is here, there's no reason I should be forced to deal with that mess as well. As for the ones that are better constructed, they don't seem to be capable of serving either my needs or the needs of the tale that is to come. Hopefully, there are more suitable options. Preferably something that has neither a tendency to rot until there's nothing left nor a tendency to look far too menacing and ludicrous to be believed in any but the most simple of role. I'll be needing a more human touch for what I have in mind. Oh, I could easily create all the actors I needed for this but it wouldn't be the same. Even the best never did manage to quite capture that same humanity.
The tale I have in mind won't be a mere sequel of course. Not when there's so much more here than elsewhere. A simple continuation would hardly be making use of what this place has to offer. Instead, today shall usher in a grand, spiraling tale. One worthy of both the best this place has to offer and of me. It will begin slowly of course. The best epics always do; no more than one or two actors carrying the story at first. With luck, there will be a canary or two worth the attention of this tale that has yet to take shape in a place this size. All I need to do is to find those fortunate few who will be the main actors in the tale. They won't dare disagree when I'm through with them. I won't let them. A pair of unwilling players would ruin the story.
Now go. Bid the players assemble, turn out anyone who seems to have even the slightest interest. Turn out the young and the old. Turn out everyone who lives here if you must. I'm sure that will be simple enough for even your rotting brains. The parts determine the course of the play just as much as the beginning and the actors bring life to those parts. The prologue may have scarcely begun but the beginning is just as important as the end. The beginning sets the stage for that which is yet to come. It may be tears, it may be laughter, but without a beginning there can be neither. Nothing save a dead play that would be fit to show to no one and I won't let my story become such a mockery. Let someone else muddle through the fate of a story that has gotten so mired in itself that it can neither move forward nor retreat. Any story of my creation will not share that fate. It's my turn to guide the story and I won't settle for anything less than what I deserve. No matter what it takes.
Poll So?
Character name: People's Republic of China/Wang Yao
Series: Axis Powers Hetalia
Age: Over 4000!!1! Appears to be a young adult, though.
Job: Efficiency counselor
Canon: Axis Powers Hetalia! That series where moe anthropomorphic countries teach us history while touching each other a lot and being silly and horrible stereotypes. China is no exception. He's been through a lot, seen nations come and go, and he knows he'll be able to live through the worst. He's direct, blunt, and won't ever hesitate to say what he thinks. After all, he's China. He invented paper and was writing poetry while the rest of the world was running around in loincloths, or something. Naturally, he reminisces about the good old days... usually in the form of whining and clinging to pandas because they're cute and the rest of the world is so mean! He compulsively creates terrible knockoffs of American and Japanese products because all he wants is to be just as ~cute~ as Japan, and just as rich as America is (or... was. sob.) Why do they have to be so mean to him back? And England drugged him, and Russia just likes looming above him, and Korea won't stop groping him, and let's hate on Germany and France for no reason and...! Let's just say China really misses the gold old days.
Note: In canon, China has a stereotypical... Chinese accent, ends all his sentences with "aru," etc. For our purposes, let's just say China's grammar ain't the best.
Sample entry:
That America, what is he thinking? Not that he does much, but this camp is all wrong. Where is Mickey and Minnie Mouse? Where are picturesque photo ops? Where are the fat children running around with hamburgers? All I see are gross people falling apart, and they look nothing like zombies from Hollywood movies. I'm disappointed. This production is no good, the craftsmanship is terrible! If you want efficiency and quality, you come to me, I make it for you. Let me show you with this example:
Welcome to Camp Duck You Fry, in the bogs of Guangdong. It's named after the dish, Peking duck, so everyone will know how authentically Chinese this is. Aren't ducks cute? Delicious, too, very good for dinner parties. CDUF is headed by Chairwoman Lizzy Sayer, a beautiful and enlightened woman dictator whose only desire is to avenge her husband-to-be. When you arrive, first everyone tells you to avoid Tuesday's rice congee. How you mess up congee, you ask? I don't know, but even the best cook can make mistakes. Sometimes, it's so hard to keep track of things, like where someone put the lead, and where I keep MSG, but it's okay. As long as it tastes good, and no one dies. Besides, everyone blames Camp, so why can't I, too?
The other thing everybody warns you about is the magical yellow river with Darcy, the amorous octopus. Darcy just wants love, so he touches all the pretty girls and boys, but he is really looking for his one true love, Lizzy, who keeps shunning Darcy becaus-- aiyah, I think I'm mixing up my inspirations, never mind. But, there are not only bad things in Camp. There is also the deflatable homohomo club, the auspicious bikini bush, and a gimp cabin with a big, black leather mask on the roof that people live in. I don't know why young people like to live in a house's hat, it makes them sound like fleas, but it seems popular, so I copied, okay?
Then, there is also the true dark side of Camp. You cannot leave because there is an impenetrable metal fence... Aiyah, that doesn't make sense at all-- people are always jumping over America's fences! That's why if you really want to keep barbarians out, you build a wall and close your ports. Unless they have something really nice that you can't get from anyone else, and it is very soothing, and once you have it once, it's very hard to stop smoki-- damnit England! I still hate you...!
Anyway! The last step is to come up with a cute subtitle for Camp. Let's hear some suggestions and see if you learned anything. ..."Now with bear rape?" That's horrible, who would do XXX to cute pandas! Even pandas do not want to have XXX with each other, it is very problematic as they are like national treasures. We change that to "now with barely any rape," okay? It assures people of safety, and safety is number one to many people-- aiyah, don't be silly. I am not re-making Camp Fuck You Die! Dying is so violent, Camp Duck You Fry is much nicer. See? I said "barely any rape," not "hardly." It is very different to be bare than to be hard. ...You should just trust me on this one.
Poll So?