(no subject)
IT'S LIKE MY JOB KNEW I HAD STUFF TO DO THIS WEEKEND. Next round, let's go.
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character: Norikuni Iwata
Series: Excel Saga
Character Age: Not indicated, but college graduate.
Job: CFUD Red
Canon: Excel Saga is a story with many facets, like rock candy. Unlike rock candy, when you put it in your mouth, it is not delicious. However it IS mainly a story of two groups: Secret ideological organization ACROSS and the Department of City Security, each led by what may be a centuries old remnant of an old Atlantis-style civilization, Solaria. The leader of the Department of City Security, Dr. Kabapu, a politician who isn't afraid to use money to get what he wants, however truly does have the city's well-being at his heart. To this end he recruited five young teenagers with attitude four college graduates to become his sentai terrorist-fighting force, though they were led to believe they'd simply be file clerks employed by the government- though that part was true too.
Norikuni Iwata is an idiot with a heart of gold, with a strong imagination but not much else in his head to back it up. He's easily amused by things that are 'cool' and doesn't have much trouble accepting the strange and impossible- take him being turned into a cyborg for example. After dying of colon cancer he became property of the government, and 10 volumes later he seems well adjusted enough- he's learned to make phone calls with his hand and gets radio reception in his head and doesn't think twice about it. Though it's not entirely clear if he's actually accepted that upon death his human rights were forfeit and he's more property than employee.
Sample Post:
A Hero of Justice Appears!
Did I get that right? Man, this is so lame...
I- What was my codename again, Doc? Doc? Man, no reception in this place, we really are in the boondocks. Oh yeah, I wrote it on my hand so I wouldn't-- damn, gloves. Man, this swamp thing is almost as bad as the sewer tunnels that I had to come through to get here. Not that I can smell, but I can just tell, you know? It's green, soupy, and has detachable limbs sticking out of the really mushy parts. Even in a sewer, I don't smell, that's great, can't wait to tell them that one when I get back. It's okay, my nose can do other things than just sniff out crime, it has packet sniffer in it too. He said it was beautiful irony, but I don't get it, I don't even know what a packet sniffer is.
Whatever, who I am is not important, other than the fact that I am a hero of justice and invincible friend to all children! Take me to your leader-- I mean, I am your new leader! Looks like the director lady had a favor to call in with my boss, so here I am, CFUD Red! Evildoers and terrorists both have nothing to fear if they simply give up and turn themselves in! Otherwise I will blow them up in a sparkly and flashy manner! End of introduction! I do have a question though, do we gotta keep up the secret identity crap? I mean, this powersuit stuff gets really hot and sticky after a while y'know? In real life it's not all glamour and giant robots- sometimes you have to face stadiums of angry soccer hooligans and hope you don't get set on fire for ruining the game.
Hey come on, listen to me! I even got on the podium and did the post and everything! Fine! Be that way, I won't save your butts the next time you need saving, you Thriller rejects! Even M***ael Jack*** wouldn't have you guys dancing with him! I mean, I'll give you credit for the suspicious lack of life signs and missing limbs, but that just means you're lacking heart and spirit and aren't worthwhile to work under me anyway! Aren't you guys usually the bad guys? You have that whole 'mass-produced and easily defeatable' henchmen look.
Me? I'm not a bad guy! I'm a hero, the world depends on my shoulders... and my guns and fists, too! Without me you guys would probably still be in the ground where you belong! Wait... that didn't sound right, whatever, it's good enough for government work. They're paying me overtime for this, so I don't really care how long it takes you guys to cooperate, y'know? You ever wonder why guys like me always summon the giant robot before the end of the episode? Because they're not getting paid by the hour. We'd summon it straight off the bat but the city likes to avoid things like collateral damage. Not that I HAVE a giant robot, thanks a lot, economic crisis!
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Rorschach
Series: Watchmen
Age: 45
Job: Professor of Conspiracy Theory
Canon: The year is 1985. Earth is clenched in the grip of an aggravated Cold War and a heightened nuclear threat that set the Doomsday Clock at five minutes until midnight. Once, this bleak world had superheroes, but those costumed adventurers (save one) were merely normal people who put on masks and worked outside of the law. Apart from two who agreed to direct government employment, these vigilantes were outlawed nearly a decade ago. And so, the heroes retired -- except for one, who swore never to stop, never to compromise. Now, that one stubborn vigilante discovers that the victim of a recent homicide was once one of America's "superheroes" and uncovers what seems to be a conspiracy to destroy all who once donned masks in the name of justice.
That vigilante is Rorschach, an intelligent, ruthless investigator who refuses to be swayed from his principles. Unfortunately, he is also paranoid, delusional, nihilistic, psychotically violent and a liberal-/commie-hating fascist -- to say nothing of socially awkward to the max. Despite all of that, Rorschach impresses with his doggedness, his genius with improvised weaponry and his deadpan, morbid sense of humor. At the very least, his unusual, abrupt style of speech (which includes an apparently very strict budget for articles and personal pronouns) makes him stand out from the crowd. While speaking in an unnerving clipped monotone (which carries over into his obsessive journal-writing), his language also sometimes has a certain poetry to it. A lone man who refuses to step down against forces much greater than himself, Rorschach might be just clever and persistent enough to have the last word.
Sample Entry:
Unreactive to shower spurting blood. Very suspicious for supposedly innocent camper. Stop screaming and self-abuse and I'll get down from ceiling. View from up here nothing impressive. Have some things to ask you about Director Elizabeth Sayre. Two of us are going for a walk. Hurry and put on clothes. No time to pick up dropped soap.
Weather mild out tonight. Despite weather conditions, odd to have summer camp in middle of swamp in November. Obviously a cover for other activities. Did some research. No taxes paid for past three and a half years. Also, evidence of large-scale prostitution ring. Shameless advertisements of whoring. Even in New York, they make token attempts to veil their illegal, filthy businesses as Chinese massage parlors or clubs for "gentlemen." Still, more honest in a way, to let the rotting corpses of morality be seen in the natural light of day rather than allow the hypocrites to scuttle to their pleasures like vermin under the cover of darkness.
Prostitution not main business transaction, though. Large amounts of money being paid to Russian company. Maybe connected to other strange happenings. Trail of attempted homicides throughout camp. Appears to be a pattern, not just random criminal activity. Purple gorilla in mess hall with knife. White rodent in library with candle- Why suddenly so frightened? Don't say whose name? Know something about candlesticks here? Hrn, not apparently what you expected me to say. What exactly are you expecting?
Claim that you're to take educational course from me? Ridiculous. Not employed by this camp. Any connections between Elizabeth Sayre and me clearly fabricated. Someone is onto me. Willing to provide information? No? Convenient of your companion to join us, then. Will ask... them. Don't know them? Wouldn't guess that from intimate physical relations you're having. Usually have more pressing matters than inappropriate public displays of affection, but interrogation in process here. You know anything about educational courses described by your companion? Try too hard to move and your arm will be broken-
-off? Unfortunate. Unresponsive to verbal or physical persuasion. Hrn-! Humerus through eye socket sent message, though. And received surprising coherent spoken complaint of "that clamped my style." Apparently was an Asian operative. Still, your previous claims of unfamiliarity more believable. But a zombie? Why the living dead? Possibly regenerated somehow with radioactivity from lake. Their purpose unclear. String of attempted murders could be effort to increase their number. Not very effective as army, though. Would fall to pieces at encountering the least resistance. Ha ha ha.
...Was a joke. Nothing to be learned from juvenile delinquent like you. Communism just a red herring. Motivations of zombies indicate human organ harvesting business at work here. Right now, only luring whore-loving dregs of society as victims. Could easily turn into a pandemic, though. Will stop it before it gets beyond these vermin. The nuclear swamp water will sweep their decaying feet out from underneath them and all the zombies will look up and moan "Braaaaaaaaaains!" ...and I'll look down and whisper-
...not "iyan dame dame." Just "no."
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Jirou, aka Garuru
Series: Kamen Rider Kiva
Age: Late 20sish
Job: Barista
Canon: What is Kamen Rider Kiva really about? The answer is probably in the same category as 'what is the purpose of life' or 'why did my parents leave me to fight these gay monsters called Fangire with only a bat that likes to bite me and then ride on my crotch?' Actually, that last question may be the answer. Kurenai Wataru, a socially awkward young man, fights as Kiva, a masked superhero who fights the ambiguously evil Fangire who like to feast on the lives of mere humans. Cue many spectacularly flamboyant fight scenes, marvelously gay transformation sequences, and at least one naked boy in a bath tub per episode. In Kiva there are two storylines progressing simultaneously; one in the year 2008 centering around Wataru, and the other in 1986 around his father, Otoya.
Jirou, a bastion of manliness amongst the other metrosexual characters, at first appears to just be a regular customer at the coffee shop Mald'amour. Involved passionately with each cup, nothing angers Jirou more than someone who dares to disrespect the sacredness of the coffee shop. His quick temper and gruff demeanor are not so much attributable to his caffeine fetish, however, as it is to his true identity. He is the last of his race of Wolfen, capable of taking on a wolfish appearance complete with fangs, blue plastic fur and growly rage. While he is fiercely independent and arrogant for the most part, he also possesses the loyal and protective instincts of this wolf-self as he fights the Fangire not only to revenge his slaughtered clan, but to protect a select few humans. Through means not revealed in canon yet he becomes an 'Arms Monster', a sort of weapon that Wataru may use in his Kiva form in his battles. He is also capable of time traveling between the two timelines, bickering with Otoya in '86 and helping Wataru in '08.
Sample Entry:
There comes a time in every pup's life when he's ready to trade his sippy cup of milk in for an adult's mug of steaming manhood. It takes a special blend of taste, finesse, and raw talent to make the perfect brew, but it looks like I'll somehow have to make due with what you idiots like to call ingredients. Since I'm nowhere near altruistic enough to just sit back and serve you cups of heaven, pay attention and learn how to do it yourselves. I expect each of you to be able to satisfy me by the end of the lesson and if you can't. . .well. Nothing goes better with a rich cup of coffee than a fresh batch of finger sandwiches, don't you think? Wash your hands before we start, I hate eating tainted food.
First, coffee is about looking past appearances. Beyond its murky brown depths, a world like you can barely even imagine is bubbling and waiting to scald your tongue with its bitter flavor. Seeing that you lack the proper materials, we'll have to improvise. Use of this 'Camp Director' would be ideal, as the fact of your captivity seems to be rooted in bitterness, but as she is not readily available we will improvise with the use of the teen angst that you can find hidden behind the boards of each cabin. The teenagers need to be properly aged before their angst is at peek levels, however I see that the process has already begun. Given enough time alone with themselves, they've begun their transformation into 'zombies', their flesh practically falling off in their despair and, yes, bitterness. Mmmm, I can smell the beginnings of the perfect cup already. No, don't bother with the hair or eyes, idiot. The bitterness is most potent where it's crawling in the skin, the skin!
We're moving on before you can screw this up again. Not everyone can take the full strength of a true man's flavor, so we need things to sweeten the deal. Those moogles over there are close enough to marshmallows; as for chocolate. . .someone go milk that thing in the lake for its ink, and hell, grab a few of those tiny woodland creatures on your way back. Everyone agrees that a bunny is sweet, right? Good. Don't give me that look either; did you think we'd just be grinding a few beans and adding water? Speaking of which, while you're at the lake getting the chocolate ink, skim a few layers of water into that zombie's head over there. I'm fed up with it complaining about its brains so we'll give it something better to complain about. We'll heat everything together right inside along with that congealed tissue for spice, but don't keep your eyes on it too long! Didn't anyone ever tell you a watched clot never boils?!
Just. . .get out. OUT. I should have known better than to think that a bunch of kids could do a man's job. When you're ready for a taste of adulthood, come by the Cafe and order my special Espresso Macho-iato. The first one to ask for skim milk gets a shot of my boot up their ass for no extra charge.
Poll Vote!
Character: Mr. Nancy (Anansi the Spider-god)
Series: American Gods/ Anansi Boys by Neil Gaiman
Character Age: Immortal, mostly
Counselor Job: Master Storyteller
Canon: Where there are people, there are gods. Though gods created this earth and all in it, people created those gods. Their belief in the gods is what makes the gods real and powerful, and lack of belief kills a god surer than any branch of mistletoe.
Anansi the Spider-god was brought over to America by his people's beliefs many, many years ago, and he's lived here since. Mainly in Florida. That's where the mermaids live. Usually, he appears to be a little old black man, but that's only what people see on the outside. He is, in fact, a spider, a spider-man, and a man, all at once. He's a god, he can do that.
He is a master story-teller, with a West Indie accent and a great sense of humor. He tells stories the way most people breathe, and tends to get offended if people don't enjoy them. Because every tricky situation can be solved with a story. He worked long and hard to steal those stories from Tiger, after all. His entire goal in life is to have fun, make fun, and poke fun. He'll play dead just to get the best food and humiliate his child to supplement public schooling. How else can you make sure your son knows about President Taft?
Sample Post:
Now lookie here you. That ain't no way to go about getting what you want. You can't just come up and demand any old thing from someone. Particularly from someone like me! You have to finangle things, you have to convince people, and that's 'specially true when you's wantin' something as important as a man's brains! Where were you when they was handing out brains, anyway? Why else would you need a replacement? Losing a brain is a sad, sad thing boy. How about this? Old Mr. Nancy, he'll help you out. We'll find some nice, fresh brains somewhere close, and in the meantime, I'll tell you a little something about bein' convincing, just like me.
Why, this one time I was watching old Madame Hippopotamus... Now, there was a high-titty woman if you ever did seen one! Her titties, they were so big, it took the whole day for her to wash them, and the whole night, too. But they was fine titties, that they were. And me, I was just a little spider, and Hippopotamus, she was a big woman. She was a powerful strong woman, too, and when she got angry, hoo boy! The whole world sure did know about it! And she didn't let just anyone play with her titties, you know. You had to be a special man, strong enough to beat her in a fight. So I go up to her with my little spider body, and my little spider hands, and I say to her, “Hippopotamus!”
And that Hippopotamus, she look all around trying to find me, and when she does, she laugh. She say, “Anansi, little man. What you want from me?”
I say, “Hippopotamus, I want to fight you!”
She laugh some more, that Hippopotamus does, and she say, “Anansi, little spider, you'll never beat me. I'll kill you. Go bother the Dung Beetle.”
But I insist, and finally, she agree. “But,” I say, “I can't fight in that deep water like you. I'll drown.”
So we agree to fight right there on the shore. And she starts a-huffing and a-puffing and a-snorting and getting all riled up, and I run right up to her, and I kick her little toe. And she scream with anger! But I's so quick, I climb up her leg, and when she tries to kick me, she hits herself in the shin! So I laugh, and I laugh, and I run up to her stomach and I bite her stomach. And she tries to hit me again, and that Hippopotamus, she hits herself so hard she can't even breathe! And then I run up between those two beautiful titties of hers-They were the biggest, roundest, plumpest titties you ever did see-- and I take to feeling her titties while she gets her wind back. And then I go up to her face, and I give her the sweetest kiss you ever did see, right there on her cheek. And Hippopotamus, she so angry, she punch herself right in the face so hard she knocked herself out! And that is how I got to touch Hippopotamus's titties, and why Hippopotamuses don't like fighting 'cept in the water now, because even a little spider like me can beat them on land! So it just goes t'show that--
Don't tell me that was too long! Why, I barely even had a chance to say hello! If you ask me, people today just don't appreciate what they got. Where you think you're going? I ain't even got started.
Blasted kids. Dumb as rocks, they are. Hell, that's an insult to the rocks. And now I gots to find me someone else. Hey, you there! I need some directions, that I do!
Poll Vote!
Character name: Shiraki Mayuko
Series: Fruits Basket (manga only)
Age: 26
Job: Library Acquisitions & Development Supervisor
Canon: Fruits Basket is a tale of transformations. It’s the story of the Sohma family, who have twelve thirteen members cursed by the spirits of the Chinese Zodiac to change shape whenever they grow weak or are embraced by the opposite sex. It’s the story of budding shoujo-messiah Honda Tohru; she gets swept into the household of one Sohma Shigure, where by keeping house for him plus two of her classmates she receives free room and board. It’s the story of princely Yuki and hot-tempered Kyou, struggling to define themselves in the world outside the Sohma compound before they get trapped within it permanently. Every character has their secrets; each nurses their own sorrows and injuries caused by the Zodiac Curse. But Fruits Basket is not just a story about experiencing the tragedies of life: everyone, even Tohru, is asked to face their painful memories, to make peace with them and transform them into new-found strength in order to move on.
Of course, when she’s not Jesiing the emo out of the Sohma family, Tohru attends Kaibara Public High School! Her homeroom instructor, Shiraki Mayuko, is the series' central teacher: a formidable singlewoman who does NOT abide disruptions in her classroom. Sure, when her students behave, "Mayu-chan-sensei" is one of the most easy-going of educators. However, discipline is swift and decisive-try to ditch her class, and you’re liable to get thwapped in the face with the roll call folder. Start a fight in her halls, she’ll dump a bucket of water over your head to cool you off! But not even this redoubtable lady is immune from the misery surrounding the Sohma family; witnessing the star-crossed romance between her best friend Kana and the Zodiac-cursed Hatori, Mayuko chose loyalty over passion, unwilling to compromise her integrity and Kana's happiness over her own infatuation with the doctor. Overall, Mayuko's stern demeanor veils a perceptive nature and a deep concern for the well-being of her students and friends.
Sample App:
Well, campers, I've just discovered the truth in that old saying- you really can't go home again! Especially if there's a giant barrier enclosing you in a zombie-infested summer camp! That's the bad news; the good news is that after three years, the powers that be STILL haven't instituted mandatory education programs in Camp Fuck You Die. (Guess they figure you're learning practical life lessons from the gorillas, the poisonous soup, and of course Marcy-chan-sensei.) But I, the Great Teacher Shiraki Mayuko, have been offered a new line of work, designed to plant knowledge inside of your eager minds. As of today, I am the Library Acquisitions & Development Supervisor...or, "that woman who buys new books for the library, whenever she receives the funding." But how will this be done?
First, YOU who want books should complete this book-request form. It asks the usual questions- what is the title of the requested material? Who is its author? What's your si- wait, that doesn't go there! That laptop I used must be defective; did it think I was writing a personal ad? Tch, now this copy had better turn out perfectly, or I’ll find the manual and - “What’s the book’s subject?” Smart computer, it fixed itself! But yes, fill this out and tell me what this place is missing. Let your voice be heard! After all, it's hard for me to tell whether you want that stream of trashy romance novels and sparkle-vampire books to continue flowing into camp or not.
Then I (who also wants books) will take all these forms and order what I can find from the various sites around the Web. Granted, the majority of the books will be coming from my parents' store in Japan. Hope you don't need those books urgently, 'cause they're going to be coming from far away. Just remember, even if you get whisked away before your essays on the toucan's life-cycle arrive, some other lucky person may want to research that same topic someday! But wait, how will these books be getting to camp, you're wondering. Well, they'll be delivered in one large package a month. (See what I said about not being in a rush!) There are some issues with camp's mail service, but I assure you, this system will run like clockwork once I get it started. Now about that drop-point, they said they'd be finished calibrating it any moment and...ah-ha, here's the e-mail!
“The delivery location will be...wherever we want! From the Center of Camp, to the North Pole, to the...” TO THE EDGE OF THE LAKE?! Ohhh, is this supposed to frighten me? Well then, just let that calamari-combo try depriving my campers of their book deliveries! Who knows? I may end up teaching Marcy-chan something about literature myself. A copy of the Riverside Shakespeare should do the trick! Serious poll now, campers: with one of these hurdling towards your face, who wouldn't gain a better appreciation of the classics?
…"No one, Great Librarian Mayu?"
Ah, that's what I like to hear! Class dismissed!
Poll Vote!
Character: Locke Cole
Series: Final Fantasy VI
Character Age: 26
Job: Wealth Reallocation Specialist and Adventuring Instructor
Canon: Final Fantasy VI centers around the story of Terra Branford. It's an age-old tale familiar to all; evil empire enslaves girl, girl meets strange phantom beast that kills her escort, rebel organization rescues girl, girl gathers allies and embarks on game-long quest to find herself and learn what love is.
Locke Cole, reknowned thief treasure hunter, is one of Terra's many allies, and a man with a complicated past. His grudge against the Empire stems from the death of his amnesiac girlfriend Rachel at their hands - besides motivating him to join the Returners, this has left him with a strong tendency to protect women. However, when he's not being pinged in his bad places by reminders of Rachel, he's a friendly and easygoing guy, loyal to his friends and generally a fellow of fine moral character. Just don't call him a thief.
Note: Ultros is a recurring boss in FFVI.
Sample Post:
All right, everyone, look alive! Are you ready for this? Today is the day we've all been waiting for - the day we put our wits and our mettle to the test! The day we plunge bravely into the depths! For adventure! For treasure! We few, we proud, we band of brothers! And sisters, of course. ...And gorillas, yes. Now, I know you've all trained hard for today's dungeon crawl. I was really impressed by your hard work over these past months. Building yourself up for something like this can be tough, especially with nothing but weak zombies to fight, so good job sticking with it. And that agility and evasion training with Marcy - th-that was pretty out there! You guys must be seriously dedicated. Me, I just get bad Ultros flashbacks...
Now, the Caves of Despair are pretty tough, but never forget - they're just another dungeon! And just as I've taught you, there's no dungeon that can't be overcome with a decent party, the right supplies, and a little adventurer know-how. We've got the first for sure, and if I've taught you any of the third, then you'll have no problem getting the second once we're down there. Hey, don't give me those shocked looks! Didn't I tell you? This is a test of everything I've taught you. If you want potions, you're gonna have to steal them for yourselves. Don't worry, there'll be plenty of chances down there - and as your teacher, I'll be on hand to help if you really need it. Now, those of you who brought potions, I'll just be taking those... and those... and-- this isn't a potion. Ah, sorry, ma'am! Sorry, that's not what I meant to take, here you go-- no, no, I didn't peek! Really, what you keep in your private inventory is none of my business...
All right, if that's everyone, we should be just about ready. Everyone check your equipment and-- HEY! You! Give that back! Picking my pocket when I'm distracted with the rest of the class, huh? Great work! I almost didn't even notice. You've definitely grasped the fundamentals of treasure hunting! You'll be a master by the time we're done with these caves. Now, if I can have my boomerang back, please...
All right, everyone! Make sure to save, and remember: the bigger the boss, the better the loot!
Poll Vote!
Character: Miguel
Series: The Road To El Dorado
Character Age: 28
Job: Camp Serenader
Canon: Miguel is a 16th century Spanish con artist who is perfectly willing to gamble everything he has for a fancy enough treasure map. So he does. Soon he and his partner in crime, Tulio, are accidental stowaways on Cortés' ship bound for the wealth of the New World. And here's where he is suddenly very grateful he held onto that map, as it leads them to the lost city of El Dorado, where the streets are paved with gold and our morally flexible heroes are welcomed as gods.
Miguel lives as an eternal optimist who has always taken advantage of the kindness of strangers to survive, or rather, a winning combination of kindness and gullibility. He relies heavily on his friend and partner, Tulio, who is more the "planner" or "thinker" or "one who makes sure they don't get caught and horribly maimed" of the operation. Miguel is relatively easygoing, content to hang out and teach kids how to play guitar, until he thinks someone is being cruel or unjust. Then he is perfectly willing to yell or threaten, even at your local creepy necromancer priest. In the end Miguel is left with the dillema of making a living by tricking other people out of their money and still wanting us all to Just Get Along.
Sample Post:
Yes! Well. I seem to be rather lost, here. Yes. Hello, just popped in for a, well for an escape I suppose. You haven’t seen another man come shooting out of that lake just now, have you? Tall, thin, black ponytail and a silly goatee that looks like a caterpillar crawling into his mouth? No? Ah well. He’ll show up. A bit difficult to avoid, really, when you think about it. Now where in the name of all that is holy have we washed up? Oh, hello! I’m so sorry I didn’t see you. Say, are you alright? I think you might want to go freshen up to look a little less corpsy if you catch my drift. What? I’m sorry you’ll have to enunciate a bit more, it’s like you don’t have a voicebo-oh. Oh, yes I’m so sorry I hope you won’t mind as I. As I hide. Here. Up this very convenient tree, yes thank you for your hospitality. No. NO NO that is not for you! Give it back right now! Thank you.
Herm. Yes, this is better really. Much better view from up here. Good plan, Miguel, excellent foresight. Hey! Corpsy! You keep a lookout as well, and I’m sure we’ll become fast friends. Remember: tall, thin, wiggly black facial hair.
Don't know why I put up with him, really. Do you know after all these years of losing each other and finding each other I still couldn't guess whether he's trapped at the bottom of the lake, swindling some sap out of his last pasetas, or making the beast with two backs with Chel on the other side of the water. The things I put up with. Mind you, we have had some really excellent scams together. Why, I remember we once knocked over the soldiers barracks stationed in Barcelona. That was a thing of beauty. I had to go in posing a lady of the night to smuggle the night’s take out under my skirts. My idea! Worked out all right until some soldier or other pulled my fan aside for a better look and noticed my beard. No appreciation for how to treat a lady, let me tell you.
Well of course I couldn't shave it! Do you know how much work goes into this beautiful hunk of hair? You know what? I don't have to take this. I'm not taking this from you, you don't even have a chin to grow hair on. WELL I NEVE-- WHY DON'T YOU JUST TRY TO COME UP HERE AND-- oh my, let GO. This branch isn't big enough, and don't think I won't push you off! I will! Hey!
GAH! OW! You bit me! You festering demonic corpse! YAH! Don't look like that, I did warn you. Go back to Tzekel-Kan or wherever you came from. Holy hell, that stings. Does anyone have some alcohol? I think I heard somewhere you should sterilize these things before they get infected and oozy. Does this smell funny to you? Oh, dear.
Poll Vote!
Character: Tulio
Series: The Road to El Dorado
Character Age: 28
Job: Divinity Instructor
Canon: Spain , 1519. Cortez is about to set on his voyage to the new world. Two conmen, though a series of unfortunate events, stow away accidentally on his ship. Eventually, they are stranded on Cuba with only a map to the legendary city of El Dorado -the lost city of gold. Through perseverance and the motivational power of a musical number, they make it there, and are praised as gods by the locals… which couldn’t be further from the truth.
Tulio and Miguel are two Spaniards with nothing to lose. Wanted dead or alive in Spain for their thievery, they have to get by on their brains and smiles alone-predictably, they rarely get anywhere. Tulio is a seasoned con man who is excellent at both gambling and cheating at gambling. A pessimist by nature, he always questions people’s motives, especially when they seem nice enough. He trusts no one but Miguel, and he only trusts him because he knows Miguel is too goody-goody to try anything. He’s not a bad guy, once you get to know him-if you still want to, after he’s robbed you blind.
Sample Post:
…Oh, great. Just great. The one time in my life I choose to give up all the gold and I end up stranded. I blame you, Mi… Miguel? Miguel?
Well doesn’t that just make my day that much brighter. Miguel! Are you there? Can you hear me? If you think this is funny, I’ll-EEEEEEEEEEEEK!! What in God’s name is that thing?!
Okay, calm down. You’re surrounded by the undead, you’re in the middle of some forest that’s a lot less tropical than you remember, and all you have are some loaded dice and a map. All of these are advantages! You just need to think of them the right way.
…If you’re Miguel and an idiot, God! Okay, thinking, thinking. This is you, these are the zombies. You, zombies. You, zo-don’t touch me, Crumbly! I will… hit you with a stick! It’s very pointy and threatening!
Hold on, what’s this? Something’s written on the map… “Oh, Tulio the Mighty and Powerful, thank you for agreeing to be the divinity instructor at…” Seafood? Is that what that says? “In lieu of a feast or a reverent ceremony, we hope these sacrifices will suffice. Sorry-they’re leftovers from the last sacrifices.”
Uh. Sorry, uh, you… all, but I think you’ve got the wrong god.
Wait, are those cards? …What do you mean, “Do I know how to play Scopa?” I practically invented Scopa, that one time in Italy … oh, gross. Where did you even get those? You mean you want to bet with-okay, we could bet brains, or! We could bet cash. Of course, you’ve never really played until you try it with a special Spanish deck. Lucky enough for you, my good friend, I so happen to have one. Oh, haven’t you ever seen one of these before? Forty cards, no waiting.
Don’t worry, the backs are supposed to be marked like that. It’s traditional.
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character: Norikuni Iwata
Series: Excel Saga
Character Age: Not indicated, but college graduate.
Job: CFUD Red
Canon: Excel Saga is a story with many facets, like rock candy. Unlike rock candy, when you put it in your mouth, it is not delicious. However it IS mainly a story of two groups: Secret ideological organization ACROSS and the Department of City Security, each led by what may be a centuries old remnant of an old Atlantis-style civilization, Solaria. The leader of the Department of City Security, Dr. Kabapu, a politician who isn't afraid to use money to get what he wants, however truly does have the city's well-being at his heart. To this end he recruited five young teenagers with attitude four college graduates to become his sentai terrorist-fighting force, though they were led to believe they'd simply be file clerks employed by the government- though that part was true too.
Norikuni Iwata is an idiot with a heart of gold, with a strong imagination but not much else in his head to back it up. He's easily amused by things that are 'cool' and doesn't have much trouble accepting the strange and impossible- take him being turned into a cyborg for example. After dying of colon cancer he became property of the government, and 10 volumes later he seems well adjusted enough- he's learned to make phone calls with his hand and gets radio reception in his head and doesn't think twice about it. Though it's not entirely clear if he's actually accepted that upon death his human rights were forfeit and he's more property than employee.
Sample Post:
A Hero of Justice Appears!
Did I get that right? Man, this is so lame...
I- What was my codename again, Doc? Doc? Man, no reception in this place, we really are in the boondocks. Oh yeah, I wrote it on my hand so I wouldn't-- damn, gloves. Man, this swamp thing is almost as bad as the sewer tunnels that I had to come through to get here. Not that I can smell, but I can just tell, you know? It's green, soupy, and has detachable limbs sticking out of the really mushy parts. Even in a sewer, I don't smell, that's great, can't wait to tell them that one when I get back. It's okay, my nose can do other things than just sniff out crime, it has packet sniffer in it too. He said it was beautiful irony, but I don't get it, I don't even know what a packet sniffer is.
Whatever, who I am is not important, other than the fact that I am a hero of justice and invincible friend to all children! Take me to your leader-- I mean, I am your new leader! Looks like the director lady had a favor to call in with my boss, so here I am, CFUD Red! Evildoers and terrorists both have nothing to fear if they simply give up and turn themselves in! Otherwise I will blow them up in a sparkly and flashy manner! End of introduction! I do have a question though, do we gotta keep up the secret identity crap? I mean, this powersuit stuff gets really hot and sticky after a while y'know? In real life it's not all glamour and giant robots- sometimes you have to face stadiums of angry soccer hooligans and hope you don't get set on fire for ruining the game.
Hey come on, listen to me! I even got on the podium and did the post and everything! Fine! Be that way, I won't save your butts the next time you need saving, you Thriller rejects! Even M***ael Jack*** wouldn't have you guys dancing with him! I mean, I'll give you credit for the suspicious lack of life signs and missing limbs, but that just means you're lacking heart and spirit and aren't worthwhile to work under me anyway! Aren't you guys usually the bad guys? You have that whole 'mass-produced and easily defeatable' henchmen look.
Me? I'm not a bad guy! I'm a hero, the world depends on my shoulders... and my guns and fists, too! Without me you guys would probably still be in the ground where you belong! Wait... that didn't sound right, whatever, it's good enough for government work. They're paying me overtime for this, so I don't really care how long it takes you guys to cooperate, y'know? You ever wonder why guys like me always summon the giant robot before the end of the episode? Because they're not getting paid by the hour. We'd summon it straight off the bat but the city likes to avoid things like collateral damage. Not that I HAVE a giant robot, thanks a lot, economic crisis!
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Rorschach
Series: Watchmen
Age: 45
Job: Professor of Conspiracy Theory
Canon: The year is 1985. Earth is clenched in the grip of an aggravated Cold War and a heightened nuclear threat that set the Doomsday Clock at five minutes until midnight. Once, this bleak world had superheroes, but those costumed adventurers (save one) were merely normal people who put on masks and worked outside of the law. Apart from two who agreed to direct government employment, these vigilantes were outlawed nearly a decade ago. And so, the heroes retired -- except for one, who swore never to stop, never to compromise. Now, that one stubborn vigilante discovers that the victim of a recent homicide was once one of America's "superheroes" and uncovers what seems to be a conspiracy to destroy all who once donned masks in the name of justice.
That vigilante is Rorschach, an intelligent, ruthless investigator who refuses to be swayed from his principles. Unfortunately, he is also paranoid, delusional, nihilistic, psychotically violent and a liberal-/commie-hating fascist -- to say nothing of socially awkward to the max. Despite all of that, Rorschach impresses with his doggedness, his genius with improvised weaponry and his deadpan, morbid sense of humor. At the very least, his unusual, abrupt style of speech (which includes an apparently very strict budget for articles and personal pronouns) makes him stand out from the crowd. While speaking in an unnerving clipped monotone (which carries over into his obsessive journal-writing), his language also sometimes has a certain poetry to it. A lone man who refuses to step down against forces much greater than himself, Rorschach might be just clever and persistent enough to have the last word.
Sample Entry:
Unreactive to shower spurting blood. Very suspicious for supposedly innocent camper. Stop screaming and self-abuse and I'll get down from ceiling. View from up here nothing impressive. Have some things to ask you about Director Elizabeth Sayre. Two of us are going for a walk. Hurry and put on clothes. No time to pick up dropped soap.
Weather mild out tonight. Despite weather conditions, odd to have summer camp in middle of swamp in November. Obviously a cover for other activities. Did some research. No taxes paid for past three and a half years. Also, evidence of large-scale prostitution ring. Shameless advertisements of whoring. Even in New York, they make token attempts to veil their illegal, filthy businesses as Chinese massage parlors or clubs for "gentlemen." Still, more honest in a way, to let the rotting corpses of morality be seen in the natural light of day rather than allow the hypocrites to scuttle to their pleasures like vermin under the cover of darkness.
Prostitution not main business transaction, though. Large amounts of money being paid to Russian company. Maybe connected to other strange happenings. Trail of attempted homicides throughout camp. Appears to be a pattern, not just random criminal activity. Purple gorilla in mess hall with knife. White rodent in library with candle- Why suddenly so frightened? Don't say whose name? Know something about candlesticks here? Hrn, not apparently what you expected me to say. What exactly are you expecting?
Claim that you're to take educational course from me? Ridiculous. Not employed by this camp. Any connections between Elizabeth Sayre and me clearly fabricated. Someone is onto me. Willing to provide information? No? Convenient of your companion to join us, then. Will ask... them. Don't know them? Wouldn't guess that from intimate physical relations you're having. Usually have more pressing matters than inappropriate public displays of affection, but interrogation in process here. You know anything about educational courses described by your companion? Try too hard to move and your arm will be broken-
-off? Unfortunate. Unresponsive to verbal or physical persuasion. Hrn-! Humerus through eye socket sent message, though. And received surprising coherent spoken complaint of "that clamped my style." Apparently was an Asian operative. Still, your previous claims of unfamiliarity more believable. But a zombie? Why the living dead? Possibly regenerated somehow with radioactivity from lake. Their purpose unclear. String of attempted murders could be effort to increase their number. Not very effective as army, though. Would fall to pieces at encountering the least resistance. Ha ha ha.
...Was a joke. Nothing to be learned from juvenile delinquent like you. Communism just a red herring. Motivations of zombies indicate human organ harvesting business at work here. Right now, only luring whore-loving dregs of society as victims. Could easily turn into a pandemic, though. Will stop it before it gets beyond these vermin. The nuclear swamp water will sweep their decaying feet out from underneath them and all the zombies will look up and moan "Braaaaaaaaaains!" ...and I'll look down and whisper-
...not "iyan dame dame." Just "no."
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Jirou, aka Garuru
Series: Kamen Rider Kiva
Age: Late 20sish
Job: Barista
Canon: What is Kamen Rider Kiva really about? The answer is probably in the same category as 'what is the purpose of life' or 'why did my parents leave me to fight these gay monsters called Fangire with only a bat that likes to bite me and then ride on my crotch?' Actually, that last question may be the answer. Kurenai Wataru, a socially awkward young man, fights as Kiva, a masked superhero who fights the ambiguously evil Fangire who like to feast on the lives of mere humans. Cue many spectacularly flamboyant fight scenes, marvelously gay transformation sequences, and at least one naked boy in a bath tub per episode. In Kiva there are two storylines progressing simultaneously; one in the year 2008 centering around Wataru, and the other in 1986 around his father, Otoya.
Jirou, a bastion of manliness amongst the other metrosexual characters, at first appears to just be a regular customer at the coffee shop Mald'amour. Involved passionately with each cup, nothing angers Jirou more than someone who dares to disrespect the sacredness of the coffee shop. His quick temper and gruff demeanor are not so much attributable to his caffeine fetish, however, as it is to his true identity. He is the last of his race of Wolfen, capable of taking on a wolfish appearance complete with fangs, blue plastic fur and growly rage. While he is fiercely independent and arrogant for the most part, he also possesses the loyal and protective instincts of this wolf-self as he fights the Fangire not only to revenge his slaughtered clan, but to protect a select few humans. Through means not revealed in canon yet he becomes an 'Arms Monster', a sort of weapon that Wataru may use in his Kiva form in his battles. He is also capable of time traveling between the two timelines, bickering with Otoya in '86 and helping Wataru in '08.
Sample Entry:
There comes a time in every pup's life when he's ready to trade his sippy cup of milk in for an adult's mug of steaming manhood. It takes a special blend of taste, finesse, and raw talent to make the perfect brew, but it looks like I'll somehow have to make due with what you idiots like to call ingredients. Since I'm nowhere near altruistic enough to just sit back and serve you cups of heaven, pay attention and learn how to do it yourselves. I expect each of you to be able to satisfy me by the end of the lesson and if you can't. . .well. Nothing goes better with a rich cup of coffee than a fresh batch of finger sandwiches, don't you think? Wash your hands before we start, I hate eating tainted food.
First, coffee is about looking past appearances. Beyond its murky brown depths, a world like you can barely even imagine is bubbling and waiting to scald your tongue with its bitter flavor. Seeing that you lack the proper materials, we'll have to improvise. Use of this 'Camp Director' would be ideal, as the fact of your captivity seems to be rooted in bitterness, but as she is not readily available we will improvise with the use of the teen angst that you can find hidden behind the boards of each cabin. The teenagers need to be properly aged before their angst is at peek levels, however I see that the process has already begun. Given enough time alone with themselves, they've begun their transformation into 'zombies', their flesh practically falling off in their despair and, yes, bitterness. Mmmm, I can smell the beginnings of the perfect cup already. No, don't bother with the hair or eyes, idiot. The bitterness is most potent where it's crawling in the skin, the skin!
We're moving on before you can screw this up again. Not everyone can take the full strength of a true man's flavor, so we need things to sweeten the deal. Those moogles over there are close enough to marshmallows; as for chocolate. . .someone go milk that thing in the lake for its ink, and hell, grab a few of those tiny woodland creatures on your way back. Everyone agrees that a bunny is sweet, right? Good. Don't give me that look either; did you think we'd just be grinding a few beans and adding water? Speaking of which, while you're at the lake getting the chocolate ink, skim a few layers of water into that zombie's head over there. I'm fed up with it complaining about its brains so we'll give it something better to complain about. We'll heat everything together right inside along with that congealed tissue for spice, but don't keep your eyes on it too long! Didn't anyone ever tell you a watched clot never boils?!
Just. . .get out. OUT. I should have known better than to think that a bunch of kids could do a man's job. When you're ready for a taste of adulthood, come by the Cafe and order my special Espresso Macho-iato. The first one to ask for skim milk gets a shot of my boot up their ass for no extra charge.
Poll Vote!
Character: Mr. Nancy (Anansi the Spider-god)
Series: American Gods/ Anansi Boys by Neil Gaiman
Character Age: Immortal, mostly
Counselor Job: Master Storyteller
Canon: Where there are people, there are gods. Though gods created this earth and all in it, people created those gods. Their belief in the gods is what makes the gods real and powerful, and lack of belief kills a god surer than any branch of mistletoe.
Anansi the Spider-god was brought over to America by his people's beliefs many, many years ago, and he's lived here since. Mainly in Florida. That's where the mermaids live. Usually, he appears to be a little old black man, but that's only what people see on the outside. He is, in fact, a spider, a spider-man, and a man, all at once. He's a god, he can do that.
He is a master story-teller, with a West Indie accent and a great sense of humor. He tells stories the way most people breathe, and tends to get offended if people don't enjoy them. Because every tricky situation can be solved with a story. He worked long and hard to steal those stories from Tiger, after all. His entire goal in life is to have fun, make fun, and poke fun. He'll play dead just to get the best food and humiliate his child to supplement public schooling. How else can you make sure your son knows about President Taft?
Sample Post:
Now lookie here you. That ain't no way to go about getting what you want. You can't just come up and demand any old thing from someone. Particularly from someone like me! You have to finangle things, you have to convince people, and that's 'specially true when you's wantin' something as important as a man's brains! Where were you when they was handing out brains, anyway? Why else would you need a replacement? Losing a brain is a sad, sad thing boy. How about this? Old Mr. Nancy, he'll help you out. We'll find some nice, fresh brains somewhere close, and in the meantime, I'll tell you a little something about bein' convincing, just like me.
Why, this one time I was watching old Madame Hippopotamus... Now, there was a high-titty woman if you ever did seen one! Her titties, they were so big, it took the whole day for her to wash them, and the whole night, too. But they was fine titties, that they were. And me, I was just a little spider, and Hippopotamus, she was a big woman. She was a powerful strong woman, too, and when she got angry, hoo boy! The whole world sure did know about it! And she didn't let just anyone play with her titties, you know. You had to be a special man, strong enough to beat her in a fight. So I go up to her with my little spider body, and my little spider hands, and I say to her, “Hippopotamus!”
And that Hippopotamus, she look all around trying to find me, and when she does, she laugh. She say, “Anansi, little man. What you want from me?”
I say, “Hippopotamus, I want to fight you!”
She laugh some more, that Hippopotamus does, and she say, “Anansi, little spider, you'll never beat me. I'll kill you. Go bother the Dung Beetle.”
But I insist, and finally, she agree. “But,” I say, “I can't fight in that deep water like you. I'll drown.”
So we agree to fight right there on the shore. And she starts a-huffing and a-puffing and a-snorting and getting all riled up, and I run right up to her, and I kick her little toe. And she scream with anger! But I's so quick, I climb up her leg, and when she tries to kick me, she hits herself in the shin! So I laugh, and I laugh, and I run up to her stomach and I bite her stomach. And she tries to hit me again, and that Hippopotamus, she hits herself so hard she can't even breathe! And then I run up between those two beautiful titties of hers-They were the biggest, roundest, plumpest titties you ever did see-- and I take to feeling her titties while she gets her wind back. And then I go up to her face, and I give her the sweetest kiss you ever did see, right there on her cheek. And Hippopotamus, she so angry, she punch herself right in the face so hard she knocked herself out! And that is how I got to touch Hippopotamus's titties, and why Hippopotamuses don't like fighting 'cept in the water now, because even a little spider like me can beat them on land! So it just goes t'show that--
Don't tell me that was too long! Why, I barely even had a chance to say hello! If you ask me, people today just don't appreciate what they got. Where you think you're going? I ain't even got started.
Blasted kids. Dumb as rocks, they are. Hell, that's an insult to the rocks. And now I gots to find me someone else. Hey, you there! I need some directions, that I do!
Poll Vote!
Character name: Shiraki Mayuko
Series: Fruits Basket (manga only)
Age: 26
Job: Library Acquisitions & Development Supervisor
Canon: Fruits Basket is a tale of transformations. It’s the story of the Sohma family, who have twelve thirteen members cursed by the spirits of the Chinese Zodiac to change shape whenever they grow weak or are embraced by the opposite sex. It’s the story of budding shoujo-messiah Honda Tohru; she gets swept into the household of one Sohma Shigure, where by keeping house for him plus two of her classmates she receives free room and board. It’s the story of princely Yuki and hot-tempered Kyou, struggling to define themselves in the world outside the Sohma compound before they get trapped within it permanently. Every character has their secrets; each nurses their own sorrows and injuries caused by the Zodiac Curse. But Fruits Basket is not just a story about experiencing the tragedies of life: everyone, even Tohru, is asked to face their painful memories, to make peace with them and transform them into new-found strength in order to move on.
Of course, when she’s not Jesiing the emo out of the Sohma family, Tohru attends Kaibara Public High School! Her homeroom instructor, Shiraki Mayuko, is the series' central teacher: a formidable singlewoman who does NOT abide disruptions in her classroom. Sure, when her students behave, "Mayu-chan-sensei" is one of the most easy-going of educators. However, discipline is swift and decisive-try to ditch her class, and you’re liable to get thwapped in the face with the roll call folder. Start a fight in her halls, she’ll dump a bucket of water over your head to cool you off! But not even this redoubtable lady is immune from the misery surrounding the Sohma family; witnessing the star-crossed romance between her best friend Kana and the Zodiac-cursed Hatori, Mayuko chose loyalty over passion, unwilling to compromise her integrity and Kana's happiness over her own infatuation with the doctor. Overall, Mayuko's stern demeanor veils a perceptive nature and a deep concern for the well-being of her students and friends.
Sample App:
Well, campers, I've just discovered the truth in that old saying- you really can't go home again! Especially if there's a giant barrier enclosing you in a zombie-infested summer camp! That's the bad news; the good news is that after three years, the powers that be STILL haven't instituted mandatory education programs in Camp Fuck You Die. (Guess they figure you're learning practical life lessons from the gorillas, the poisonous soup, and of course Marcy-chan-sensei.) But I, the Great Teacher Shiraki Mayuko, have been offered a new line of work, designed to plant knowledge inside of your eager minds. As of today, I am the Library Acquisitions & Development Supervisor...or, "that woman who buys new books for the library, whenever she receives the funding." But how will this be done?
First, YOU who want books should complete this book-request form. It asks the usual questions- what is the title of the requested material? Who is its author? What's your si- wait, that doesn't go there! That laptop I used must be defective; did it think I was writing a personal ad? Tch, now this copy had better turn out perfectly, or I’ll find the manual and - “What’s the book’s subject?” Smart computer, it fixed itself! But yes, fill this out and tell me what this place is missing. Let your voice be heard! After all, it's hard for me to tell whether you want that stream of trashy romance novels and sparkle-vampire books to continue flowing into camp or not.
Then I (who also wants books) will take all these forms and order what I can find from the various sites around the Web. Granted, the majority of the books will be coming from my parents' store in Japan. Hope you don't need those books urgently, 'cause they're going to be coming from far away. Just remember, even if you get whisked away before your essays on the toucan's life-cycle arrive, some other lucky person may want to research that same topic someday! But wait, how will these books be getting to camp, you're wondering. Well, they'll be delivered in one large package a month. (See what I said about not being in a rush!) There are some issues with camp's mail service, but I assure you, this system will run like clockwork once I get it started. Now about that drop-point, they said they'd be finished calibrating it any moment and...ah-ha, here's the e-mail!
“The delivery location will be...wherever we want! From the Center of Camp, to the North Pole, to the...” TO THE EDGE OF THE LAKE?! Ohhh, is this supposed to frighten me? Well then, just let that calamari-combo try depriving my campers of their book deliveries! Who knows? I may end up teaching Marcy-chan something about literature myself. A copy of the Riverside Shakespeare should do the trick! Serious poll now, campers: with one of these hurdling towards your face, who wouldn't gain a better appreciation of the classics?
…"No one, Great Librarian Mayu?"
Ah, that's what I like to hear! Class dismissed!
Poll Vote!
Character: Locke Cole
Series: Final Fantasy VI
Character Age: 26
Job: Wealth Reallocation Specialist and Adventuring Instructor
Canon: Final Fantasy VI centers around the story of Terra Branford. It's an age-old tale familiar to all; evil empire enslaves girl, girl meets strange phantom beast that kills her escort, rebel organization rescues girl, girl gathers allies and embarks on game-long quest to find herself and learn what love is.
Locke Cole, reknowned thief treasure hunter, is one of Terra's many allies, and a man with a complicated past. His grudge against the Empire stems from the death of his amnesiac girlfriend Rachel at their hands - besides motivating him to join the Returners, this has left him with a strong tendency to protect women. However, when he's not being pinged in his bad places by reminders of Rachel, he's a friendly and easygoing guy, loyal to his friends and generally a fellow of fine moral character. Just don't call him a thief.
Note: Ultros is a recurring boss in FFVI.
Sample Post:
All right, everyone, look alive! Are you ready for this? Today is the day we've all been waiting for - the day we put our wits and our mettle to the test! The day we plunge bravely into the depths! For adventure! For treasure! We few, we proud, we band of brothers! And sisters, of course. ...And gorillas, yes. Now, I know you've all trained hard for today's dungeon crawl. I was really impressed by your hard work over these past months. Building yourself up for something like this can be tough, especially with nothing but weak zombies to fight, so good job sticking with it. And that agility and evasion training with Marcy - th-that was pretty out there! You guys must be seriously dedicated. Me, I just get bad Ultros flashbacks...
Now, the Caves of Despair are pretty tough, but never forget - they're just another dungeon! And just as I've taught you, there's no dungeon that can't be overcome with a decent party, the right supplies, and a little adventurer know-how. We've got the first for sure, and if I've taught you any of the third, then you'll have no problem getting the second once we're down there. Hey, don't give me those shocked looks! Didn't I tell you? This is a test of everything I've taught you. If you want potions, you're gonna have to steal them for yourselves. Don't worry, there'll be plenty of chances down there - and as your teacher, I'll be on hand to help if you really need it. Now, those of you who brought potions, I'll just be taking those... and those... and-- this isn't a potion. Ah, sorry, ma'am! Sorry, that's not what I meant to take, here you go-- no, no, I didn't peek! Really, what you keep in your private inventory is none of my business...
All right, if that's everyone, we should be just about ready. Everyone check your equipment and-- HEY! You! Give that back! Picking my pocket when I'm distracted with the rest of the class, huh? Great work! I almost didn't even notice. You've definitely grasped the fundamentals of treasure hunting! You'll be a master by the time we're done with these caves. Now, if I can have my boomerang back, please...
All right, everyone! Make sure to save, and remember: the bigger the boss, the better the loot!
Poll Vote!
Character: Miguel
Series: The Road To El Dorado
Character Age: 28
Job: Camp Serenader
Canon: Miguel is a 16th century Spanish con artist who is perfectly willing to gamble everything he has for a fancy enough treasure map. So he does. Soon he and his partner in crime, Tulio, are accidental stowaways on Cortés' ship bound for the wealth of the New World. And here's where he is suddenly very grateful he held onto that map, as it leads them to the lost city of El Dorado, where the streets are paved with gold and our morally flexible heroes are welcomed as gods.
Miguel lives as an eternal optimist who has always taken advantage of the kindness of strangers to survive, or rather, a winning combination of kindness and gullibility. He relies heavily on his friend and partner, Tulio, who is more the "planner" or "thinker" or "one who makes sure they don't get caught and horribly maimed" of the operation. Miguel is relatively easygoing, content to hang out and teach kids how to play guitar, until he thinks someone is being cruel or unjust. Then he is perfectly willing to yell or threaten, even at your local creepy necromancer priest. In the end Miguel is left with the dillema of making a living by tricking other people out of their money and still wanting us all to Just Get Along.
Sample Post:
Yes! Well. I seem to be rather lost, here. Yes. Hello, just popped in for a, well for an escape I suppose. You haven’t seen another man come shooting out of that lake just now, have you? Tall, thin, black ponytail and a silly goatee that looks like a caterpillar crawling into his mouth? No? Ah well. He’ll show up. A bit difficult to avoid, really, when you think about it. Now where in the name of all that is holy have we washed up? Oh, hello! I’m so sorry I didn’t see you. Say, are you alright? I think you might want to go freshen up to look a little less corpsy if you catch my drift. What? I’m sorry you’ll have to enunciate a bit more, it’s like you don’t have a voicebo-oh. Oh, yes I’m so sorry I hope you won’t mind as I. As I hide. Here. Up this very convenient tree, yes thank you for your hospitality. No. NO NO that is not for you! Give it back right now! Thank you.
Herm. Yes, this is better really. Much better view from up here. Good plan, Miguel, excellent foresight. Hey! Corpsy! You keep a lookout as well, and I’m sure we’ll become fast friends. Remember: tall, thin, wiggly black facial hair.
Don't know why I put up with him, really. Do you know after all these years of losing each other and finding each other I still couldn't guess whether he's trapped at the bottom of the lake, swindling some sap out of his last pasetas, or making the beast with two backs with Chel on the other side of the water. The things I put up with. Mind you, we have had some really excellent scams together. Why, I remember we once knocked over the soldiers barracks stationed in Barcelona. That was a thing of beauty. I had to go in posing a lady of the night to smuggle the night’s take out under my skirts. My idea! Worked out all right until some soldier or other pulled my fan aside for a better look and noticed my beard. No appreciation for how to treat a lady, let me tell you.
Well of course I couldn't shave it! Do you know how much work goes into this beautiful hunk of hair? You know what? I don't have to take this. I'm not taking this from you, you don't even have a chin to grow hair on. WELL I NEVE-- WHY DON'T YOU JUST TRY TO COME UP HERE AND-- oh my, let GO. This branch isn't big enough, and don't think I won't push you off! I will! Hey!
GAH! OW! You bit me! You festering demonic corpse! YAH! Don't look like that, I did warn you. Go back to Tzekel-Kan or wherever you came from. Holy hell, that stings. Does anyone have some alcohol? I think I heard somewhere you should sterilize these things before they get infected and oozy. Does this smell funny to you? Oh, dear.
Poll Vote!
Character: Tulio
Series: The Road to El Dorado
Character Age: 28
Job: Divinity Instructor
Canon: Spain , 1519. Cortez is about to set on his voyage to the new world. Two conmen, though a series of unfortunate events, stow away accidentally on his ship. Eventually, they are stranded on Cuba with only a map to the legendary city of El Dorado -the lost city of gold. Through perseverance and the motivational power of a musical number, they make it there, and are praised as gods by the locals… which couldn’t be further from the truth.
Tulio and Miguel are two Spaniards with nothing to lose. Wanted dead or alive in Spain for their thievery, they have to get by on their brains and smiles alone-predictably, they rarely get anywhere. Tulio is a seasoned con man who is excellent at both gambling and cheating at gambling. A pessimist by nature, he always questions people’s motives, especially when they seem nice enough. He trusts no one but Miguel, and he only trusts him because he knows Miguel is too goody-goody to try anything. He’s not a bad guy, once you get to know him-if you still want to, after he’s robbed you blind.
Sample Post:
…Oh, great. Just great. The one time in my life I choose to give up all the gold and I end up stranded. I blame you, Mi… Miguel? Miguel?
Well doesn’t that just make my day that much brighter. Miguel! Are you there? Can you hear me? If you think this is funny, I’ll-EEEEEEEEEEEEK!! What in God’s name is that thing?!
Okay, calm down. You’re surrounded by the undead, you’re in the middle of some forest that’s a lot less tropical than you remember, and all you have are some loaded dice and a map. All of these are advantages! You just need to think of them the right way.
…If you’re Miguel and an idiot, God! Okay, thinking, thinking. This is you, these are the zombies. You, zombies. You, zo-don’t touch me, Crumbly! I will… hit you with a stick! It’s very pointy and threatening!
Hold on, what’s this? Something’s written on the map… “Oh, Tulio the Mighty and Powerful, thank you for agreeing to be the divinity instructor at…” Seafood? Is that what that says? “In lieu of a feast or a reverent ceremony, we hope these sacrifices will suffice. Sorry-they’re leftovers from the last sacrifices.”
Uh. Sorry, uh, you… all, but I think you’ve got the wrong god.
Wait, are those cards? …What do you mean, “Do I know how to play Scopa?” I practically invented Scopa, that one time in Italy … oh, gross. Where did you even get those? You mean you want to bet with-okay, we could bet brains, or! We could bet cash. Of course, you’ve never really played until you try it with a special Spanish deck. Lucky enough for you, my good friend, I so happen to have one. Oh, haven’t you ever seen one of these before? Forty cards, no waiting.
Don’t worry, the backs are supposed to be marked like that. It’s traditional.
Poll Vote!