I'm not allowed bad days.
So...basically my life's falling apart bit by bit at the moment.
I have so much work to do in all of my classes. I have a group project that's due tomorrow morning at 8 am, and 3 of the 5 other group members still haven't gotten me their information. Chances are, at least one of them won't get around to it until after 11 o'clock tonight, so I'm going to have to get up early to try and throw it all together before class. I've been dealing with this crap since we started working. There is still so much to be done on the project, but I don't have their stuff, so I can't do anything. This is my little break.
Besides that project, the rest of my classes are full of stuff to do as well. I have two tests next Tuesday, after Columbus Day. I'm spending the weekend with Timmy and won't get to study until Monday night. Hopefully, that will be enough. I have projects and readings in all of my classes. I don't have any time to myself at the moment. My advisor wants us all to meet with her next Thursday at 11:45-1:30. I work until noon. I get no lunch and have to leave work early to make the meeting. Besides, the wish list stuff for pre-registration isn't up until the 15th, so that gives me very little time to plan out my wish list. I emailed my advisor and asked her if I could possibly meet with her outside of that, but I don't know what she'll say. I've never met with her as an advisee before.
Also, I'm probably going to rearrange my work schedule so I don't work so much on Tuesdays. As it is, I feel like I get no time during the day, until 4:50 when I get out of my 3 and a half hour class. Not my idea of a good time, especially when I already have so much going on and feel so overwhelmed. But if I switch hours, I have to either move it to Thursday or Friday afternoon. I don't really want to do that. So we'll see. Regardless, it's probably not a good situation.
I got a check from the university yesterday. It's for a good amount of money, but I know that I can't spend it. I have to save it, because I have no money to spare right now. I have the money Timmy's mom gave me, but I won't allow myself to spend that either. I don't have the money for anything. I'm almost definitely getting a second job this summer, and most likely not going to Guatemala in May like I'd gotten my hopes up for. I wanted to go so badly, but I know that I just can't. I can't get a second job if I'm gone that much of the summer. No one would hire me. I probably couldn't afford Guatemala anyway, so I guess I'm not really missing out. I finally got around to figuring out where my tax refund went. My dad forgot to file my return. In other words, because of my dad's mistake, I lose probably about half of my refund to late fees.
I know that in the coming years, it's going to get harder and harder for me to get loans for school. It's already harder to do. So it's even more important for me to save all of the money I possibly can. As it is, I'm going to leave college with probably $60,000 in loans. I'd like to know what good my grades did for me. I got little to no scholarships, little to no aid, and little to no help from my parents. I'm doing this all on my own. They cosigned on my loans, paid for my books, and paid down a small amount of the interest on my loans. In the grand scheme of things, I'm on my own. I'll be paying it off for most of my life. So why do I bother to get good grades? It doesn't seem to benefit me in any way. If you ask me, straight A's in college is something to be proud of. No one else seems to think so. At least, no one that could potentially make this easier for me.
Through all of this, I stay strong for my friends. They have bad days, I comfort them. They need to vent, I listen. I stay passive, doing whatever they want or need to do. In return, when I have a bad day, you'd expect that they'd be there for me. Of course not. Yesterday was a very bad day. This whole week has been bad, but yesterday in particular. I took some time to vent to a friend at lunch, and got no sympathy. Last night, I vented to the same friend about new stuff, and that friend implied that I was being irrational. Hours prior, a different friend was upset, and the friend I'd been talking to came over and suggested we go give friend B a hug. When I was miserable and vented to them, did I get a hug? No, I got nothing. I'm not allowed to have bad days. They can have as many as they want, and I am expected to be there for them. The two specific occasions that I was upset this semester, neither of them came to visit, neither of them gave me any sort of sympathy. As a matter of fact, on both occasions one of them just found a way to make it about them and not about me.
Why do I spend so much time with them when I know that they won't be there for me when I need them? Maybe because I have no one else to turn to. Timmy would let me have bad days. He wouldn't judge me, he'd just give me a hug, let me vent, and make it all okay. I joked last semester that if we had collected all the tears I had cried to him that school year, we could have turned his room into a swimming pool. He never once told me that I was being irrational, or that he was upset about other things, or that I shouldn't be upset. He was just there for me. Yes, he's still there for me, but I can't get a hug whenever I need one. I can't sit next to him, tears streaming down my face, looking into his eyes as he promises me everything will get better. I can lie in bed, tears streaming down my face, listening to his voice from a phone pressed against my ear as he promises me everything will get better. It's just not the same.
So this journal is my venting. It won't judge. It won't tell me its own problems while I try to tell it mine. It won't forget about me. It will always be there for me. If it had eyes, I could look into them while I type. Sometimes, it's better than friends. That's not a good thing. That's all I really have to say. My life is falling apart. I know it will get better, but for now, I'm miserable. Yes, at least I still have Timmy, and I'm so grateful for that, but I don't have him to hold me right now, when I need him most. Yes, I'll see him on Friday, but when everything's going wrong, time is slow. Friday can't get here fast enough, and I guarantee that when I see him, I'll jump into his arms, and possibly start crying. I've needed him so badly this week and haven't had him. The week is going by so slowly, and I'm trying not to let myself fall apart. I won't show my friends how badly I'm feeling, because they obviously have issues of their own, they always do. They have their lives and I have mine. I'll just stick to the phone and the computer screen, my two lifelines.
...and for the record, I know no one will read this. Well, Timmy will, but besides him, no one will. This isn't for anyone else, it's for me.
I have so much work to do in all of my classes. I have a group project that's due tomorrow morning at 8 am, and 3 of the 5 other group members still haven't gotten me their information. Chances are, at least one of them won't get around to it until after 11 o'clock tonight, so I'm going to have to get up early to try and throw it all together before class. I've been dealing with this crap since we started working. There is still so much to be done on the project, but I don't have their stuff, so I can't do anything. This is my little break.
Besides that project, the rest of my classes are full of stuff to do as well. I have two tests next Tuesday, after Columbus Day. I'm spending the weekend with Timmy and won't get to study until Monday night. Hopefully, that will be enough. I have projects and readings in all of my classes. I don't have any time to myself at the moment. My advisor wants us all to meet with her next Thursday at 11:45-1:30. I work until noon. I get no lunch and have to leave work early to make the meeting. Besides, the wish list stuff for pre-registration isn't up until the 15th, so that gives me very little time to plan out my wish list. I emailed my advisor and asked her if I could possibly meet with her outside of that, but I don't know what she'll say. I've never met with her as an advisee before.
Also, I'm probably going to rearrange my work schedule so I don't work so much on Tuesdays. As it is, I feel like I get no time during the day, until 4:50 when I get out of my 3 and a half hour class. Not my idea of a good time, especially when I already have so much going on and feel so overwhelmed. But if I switch hours, I have to either move it to Thursday or Friday afternoon. I don't really want to do that. So we'll see. Regardless, it's probably not a good situation.
I got a check from the university yesterday. It's for a good amount of money, but I know that I can't spend it. I have to save it, because I have no money to spare right now. I have the money Timmy's mom gave me, but I won't allow myself to spend that either. I don't have the money for anything. I'm almost definitely getting a second job this summer, and most likely not going to Guatemala in May like I'd gotten my hopes up for. I wanted to go so badly, but I know that I just can't. I can't get a second job if I'm gone that much of the summer. No one would hire me. I probably couldn't afford Guatemala anyway, so I guess I'm not really missing out. I finally got around to figuring out where my tax refund went. My dad forgot to file my return. In other words, because of my dad's mistake, I lose probably about half of my refund to late fees.
I know that in the coming years, it's going to get harder and harder for me to get loans for school. It's already harder to do. So it's even more important for me to save all of the money I possibly can. As it is, I'm going to leave college with probably $60,000 in loans. I'd like to know what good my grades did for me. I got little to no scholarships, little to no aid, and little to no help from my parents. I'm doing this all on my own. They cosigned on my loans, paid for my books, and paid down a small amount of the interest on my loans. In the grand scheme of things, I'm on my own. I'll be paying it off for most of my life. So why do I bother to get good grades? It doesn't seem to benefit me in any way. If you ask me, straight A's in college is something to be proud of. No one else seems to think so. At least, no one that could potentially make this easier for me.
Through all of this, I stay strong for my friends. They have bad days, I comfort them. They need to vent, I listen. I stay passive, doing whatever they want or need to do. In return, when I have a bad day, you'd expect that they'd be there for me. Of course not. Yesterday was a very bad day. This whole week has been bad, but yesterday in particular. I took some time to vent to a friend at lunch, and got no sympathy. Last night, I vented to the same friend about new stuff, and that friend implied that I was being irrational. Hours prior, a different friend was upset, and the friend I'd been talking to came over and suggested we go give friend B a hug. When I was miserable and vented to them, did I get a hug? No, I got nothing. I'm not allowed to have bad days. They can have as many as they want, and I am expected to be there for them. The two specific occasions that I was upset this semester, neither of them came to visit, neither of them gave me any sort of sympathy. As a matter of fact, on both occasions one of them just found a way to make it about them and not about me.
Why do I spend so much time with them when I know that they won't be there for me when I need them? Maybe because I have no one else to turn to. Timmy would let me have bad days. He wouldn't judge me, he'd just give me a hug, let me vent, and make it all okay. I joked last semester that if we had collected all the tears I had cried to him that school year, we could have turned his room into a swimming pool. He never once told me that I was being irrational, or that he was upset about other things, or that I shouldn't be upset. He was just there for me. Yes, he's still there for me, but I can't get a hug whenever I need one. I can't sit next to him, tears streaming down my face, looking into his eyes as he promises me everything will get better. I can lie in bed, tears streaming down my face, listening to his voice from a phone pressed against my ear as he promises me everything will get better. It's just not the same.
So this journal is my venting. It won't judge. It won't tell me its own problems while I try to tell it mine. It won't forget about me. It will always be there for me. If it had eyes, I could look into them while I type. Sometimes, it's better than friends. That's not a good thing. That's all I really have to say. My life is falling apart. I know it will get better, but for now, I'm miserable. Yes, at least I still have Timmy, and I'm so grateful for that, but I don't have him to hold me right now, when I need him most. Yes, I'll see him on Friday, but when everything's going wrong, time is slow. Friday can't get here fast enough, and I guarantee that when I see him, I'll jump into his arms, and possibly start crying. I've needed him so badly this week and haven't had him. The week is going by so slowly, and I'm trying not to let myself fall apart. I won't show my friends how badly I'm feeling, because they obviously have issues of their own, they always do. They have their lives and I have mine. I'll just stick to the phone and the computer screen, my two lifelines.
...and for the record, I know no one will read this. Well, Timmy will, but besides him, no one will. This isn't for anyone else, it's for me.