wow
So I haven't written in here/checked my journal forever- i'm amazed at how much time has elapsed. It's sad to read all my entries as if they were a decade ago- I miss my girls from school...
Life's been going on at a steady trudge, I feel like everything's been complicated lately and nothing's just a straightforward answer. I'm attempting to become a nurse and hitting every obstacle you possibly can along the way. I feel like by the time I earn my degree I'm going to be one of the most experienced nurses who's been through every organization and every class you'll ever need. Each school has different requirements to enter into their program and it seems, though I'm trying my best to satisfy the prerequisites, I'm no further along attaining admission than I was a semester ago. Frustration has been filling my head and headaches have been a daily occurrence lately- but I'm praying by this February I'll have some sort of focus and future unraveling. *crossing my fingers* Otherwise I really don't know what I"m going to do. My number one prospective school right now is Fitchburg- we'll see.
Besides that life has surprised me- not all good surprises either. I've fallen away from a lot of people due to distance, time constraints, and basically the amount of effort and reminiscent pain it takes to give them a call. Staying in touch with people when you're thrown into real life out of college is difficult. I was working as a waitress at Uno's but realized I couldn't handle the hours and the ridiculous late nights. So right now i'm in limbo with jobs (I'm trying to get a CNA position), and I'm going to be hit up with a consummate $3000 in the next month between school, my car, my bills, and any and every other thing imaginable. It's amazing how quickly money is spent- and ironically how long it takes to make it.
Lately reality has been kicking in hard. I'm beginning to see why adults get so grumpy. There's no time to be happy sometimes when obligations get in your way. Even when you do something fun, the time spent on it pushes you farther away from clearing your agenda. I never thought I'd think sitting around doing nothing with someone could cost so much. I get antsy now when I'm relaxing because I know there's a million things I have to do, and am not doing because for just one moment I'd like to smile.
Other things have really been getting at me too. Ross and I have been getting along great, and him being home has been my saving grace through this never ending hardship I seem to be facing- but just last night my happiness came to sudden hault and I haven't been able to pick myself up yet. I read a conversation he had had with Caitlin a long time ago, and it seriously disgusted me. Jealous and painful tears flooded my eyes and my chest instantly became splotchy... i got that old familiar feeling of my heart dropping to my stomach and the need to throw up. Whoever was in that conversation wasn't the boyfriend I have, who's so sweet and perfect... and it really scared me to read all that. I got way too much detail than I ever wanted to know. It's funny the moment something like this happens how I start thinking of Plan B instinctively... like I all ready know how to handle if he ever cheats on me. I'm way too defensive sometimes; when I feel so vulnerable. Now I can't shake the mental image I got from their conversation and the feeling that Ross is annoyed with me and doesn't want to be around me. To be honest a day or two off wouldn't be a bad idea considering how bad I'm feeling about this, but refuse to show. My emotions are all raveled up inside me right now between my anxiety with school and my nervousness of the future in general. I'm scared of what will happen, or won't happen... specifically school and my relationship. I'm scared he doesn't love me the way I love him. He's always so reluctant to talk about the future, and to me that's a bad sign: inability to commit. If he can't even verbally say he could see himself as being my husband after being with me for 2 years and the thought of marriage or children makes him uneasy and agitated- I don't think he really wants it. I'm not saying I"m ready to be married and pregnant- far from- but this feeling leads me to drift into other possibilities, assuming my current won't last and I'll be left devastated and confused as to how it all happened. I love him, don't get me wrong, but this insecurity in our relationship I've been feeling lately bugs me to no end... and i'm not even sure if it's a mutual thing or if I'm making it up myself. I have no idea what's real and what I'm creating lately because my nerves have been shot with so much impact their taking from a million different sides.
I wish every day didn't have to be a scheduled struggle, and every night a sleepless anxiety attack.
But anyways- I suppose I've bitched enough, considering this is only for me, I don't really see a medicinal purpose- I'm still the way I was 5 minutes ago in the same position and looking at my life as if it wasn't mine and it will end soon. Things have to get better because I'm working so hard right?? I'm starting to lose my optimism and I really hate feeling like that.
Life's been going on at a steady trudge, I feel like everything's been complicated lately and nothing's just a straightforward answer. I'm attempting to become a nurse and hitting every obstacle you possibly can along the way. I feel like by the time I earn my degree I'm going to be one of the most experienced nurses who's been through every organization and every class you'll ever need. Each school has different requirements to enter into their program and it seems, though I'm trying my best to satisfy the prerequisites, I'm no further along attaining admission than I was a semester ago. Frustration has been filling my head and headaches have been a daily occurrence lately- but I'm praying by this February I'll have some sort of focus and future unraveling. *crossing my fingers* Otherwise I really don't know what I"m going to do. My number one prospective school right now is Fitchburg- we'll see.
Besides that life has surprised me- not all good surprises either. I've fallen away from a lot of people due to distance, time constraints, and basically the amount of effort and reminiscent pain it takes to give them a call. Staying in touch with people when you're thrown into real life out of college is difficult. I was working as a waitress at Uno's but realized I couldn't handle the hours and the ridiculous late nights. So right now i'm in limbo with jobs (I'm trying to get a CNA position), and I'm going to be hit up with a consummate $3000 in the next month between school, my car, my bills, and any and every other thing imaginable. It's amazing how quickly money is spent- and ironically how long it takes to make it.
Lately reality has been kicking in hard. I'm beginning to see why adults get so grumpy. There's no time to be happy sometimes when obligations get in your way. Even when you do something fun, the time spent on it pushes you farther away from clearing your agenda. I never thought I'd think sitting around doing nothing with someone could cost so much. I get antsy now when I'm relaxing because I know there's a million things I have to do, and am not doing because for just one moment I'd like to smile.
Other things have really been getting at me too. Ross and I have been getting along great, and him being home has been my saving grace through this never ending hardship I seem to be facing- but just last night my happiness came to sudden hault and I haven't been able to pick myself up yet. I read a conversation he had had with Caitlin a long time ago, and it seriously disgusted me. Jealous and painful tears flooded my eyes and my chest instantly became splotchy... i got that old familiar feeling of my heart dropping to my stomach and the need to throw up. Whoever was in that conversation wasn't the boyfriend I have, who's so sweet and perfect... and it really scared me to read all that. I got way too much detail than I ever wanted to know. It's funny the moment something like this happens how I start thinking of Plan B instinctively... like I all ready know how to handle if he ever cheats on me. I'm way too defensive sometimes; when I feel so vulnerable. Now I can't shake the mental image I got from their conversation and the feeling that Ross is annoyed with me and doesn't want to be around me. To be honest a day or two off wouldn't be a bad idea considering how bad I'm feeling about this, but refuse to show. My emotions are all raveled up inside me right now between my anxiety with school and my nervousness of the future in general. I'm scared of what will happen, or won't happen... specifically school and my relationship. I'm scared he doesn't love me the way I love him. He's always so reluctant to talk about the future, and to me that's a bad sign: inability to commit. If he can't even verbally say he could see himself as being my husband after being with me for 2 years and the thought of marriage or children makes him uneasy and agitated- I don't think he really wants it. I'm not saying I"m ready to be married and pregnant- far from- but this feeling leads me to drift into other possibilities, assuming my current won't last and I'll be left devastated and confused as to how it all happened. I love him, don't get me wrong, but this insecurity in our relationship I've been feeling lately bugs me to no end... and i'm not even sure if it's a mutual thing or if I'm making it up myself. I have no idea what's real and what I'm creating lately because my nerves have been shot with so much impact their taking from a million different sides.
I wish every day didn't have to be a scheduled struggle, and every night a sleepless anxiety attack.
But anyways- I suppose I've bitched enough, considering this is only for me, I don't really see a medicinal purpose- I'm still the way I was 5 minutes ago in the same position and looking at my life as if it wasn't mine and it will end soon. Things have to get better because I'm working so hard right?? I'm starting to lose my optimism and I really hate feeling like that.