haha its official?
well yesterday i hit the biggest slump i have been in since i got here in california. i was talking to a friend of mine named caroline who i do dearly miss, and she sent me a picture of her boyfriend. well the picture was a part of one of those online picture albums so i saw recent pictures of her on there and talked to her about how she has lost 116 pounds. in a year. i remember when she started her diet; she didn't eat for 10 days and then drank a glass of olive oil... to clean out... what?! she didn't have anything in her! i was sick once. and i know that she is sick now. her body can't handle breaking up that much fat at once.
but anyway the slump came from feeling like a complete failure. i try and try and try to lose weight and i end up gaining it. i will gain 9 pounds in a day, lose 5 and then gain them back in an hour?! what the fuck?! i exercise in a pool all day and then do sit-ups and leg lifts all night, and i get nothing. my aunt tells me i should have my thyroid checked again. i had it checked when i was getting over anorexia/bulimia and going to periodical checkups at vanderbilt hospital, but they found nothing wrong. my cousin had thyroid problems though, so it could be genetic... but anyway... my aunt and uncle say that i look like i have lost like 30 pounds, but i haven't. i took a diuretic and lost 11 pounds of fluid and my ankles didn't indent when i pressed on them, but the next day that 11 pounds was back.
as far as my feeling bad because i talked to caroline, i felt bad because i was honestly, purely jealous of her. i don't want to be that person. i feel so shallow and vain and mean. i AM happy for her, but at the same time there is this overwhelming sense of jealousy that makes it almost impossible for me to compliment her... i'm a horrible person. i'm obsessed and always will be. they may have given me medicine to keep me from wanting to throw up, but that desire to be thin still haunts me to this day. it is all i think about.
gawd, i can't even believe i'm writing this stuff for people to see, but i have to get it out honestly somewhere.
OH i ALMOST forgot!! so last night i was feeling horrible, so drew bought a phone card and called me up to have me vent all of this stuff to him. he was the sweetest he has been to me in sooo long. and then out of no where he asked me if i would go out with him. it was kinda a joke, but he knows how much it means to me to have someone truly admit to liking me and being apart of my life. it all goes back to me being the chubby kid in elementary school and having other kids bribe guys to ACT like they were going out with me. so from then on, i have always been suspicious of people who show interest in me. i mean i'm hideous. well anyway, what he did meant a lot to me because it has always bothered me since we have practically been living together that we aren't the official boyfriend/girlfriend titles. we used to be before that break my junior year of highschool, but when i went to college and we sorta got back together, everything changed. like before never happened. its weird.
i'm weird.
damn i have written a lot, and i'm sure no one has read all of this... so i'll see you all in hendo when i get back on saturday. (thank god!!)
ten four good buddy-
beth ann
but anyway the slump came from feeling like a complete failure. i try and try and try to lose weight and i end up gaining it. i will gain 9 pounds in a day, lose 5 and then gain them back in an hour?! what the fuck?! i exercise in a pool all day and then do sit-ups and leg lifts all night, and i get nothing. my aunt tells me i should have my thyroid checked again. i had it checked when i was getting over anorexia/bulimia and going to periodical checkups at vanderbilt hospital, but they found nothing wrong. my cousin had thyroid problems though, so it could be genetic... but anyway... my aunt and uncle say that i look like i have lost like 30 pounds, but i haven't. i took a diuretic and lost 11 pounds of fluid and my ankles didn't indent when i pressed on them, but the next day that 11 pounds was back.
as far as my feeling bad because i talked to caroline, i felt bad because i was honestly, purely jealous of her. i don't want to be that person. i feel so shallow and vain and mean. i AM happy for her, but at the same time there is this overwhelming sense of jealousy that makes it almost impossible for me to compliment her... i'm a horrible person. i'm obsessed and always will be. they may have given me medicine to keep me from wanting to throw up, but that desire to be thin still haunts me to this day. it is all i think about.
gawd, i can't even believe i'm writing this stuff for people to see, but i have to get it out honestly somewhere.
OH i ALMOST forgot!! so last night i was feeling horrible, so drew bought a phone card and called me up to have me vent all of this stuff to him. he was the sweetest he has been to me in sooo long. and then out of no where he asked me if i would go out with him. it was kinda a joke, but he knows how much it means to me to have someone truly admit to liking me and being apart of my life. it all goes back to me being the chubby kid in elementary school and having other kids bribe guys to ACT like they were going out with me. so from then on, i have always been suspicious of people who show interest in me. i mean i'm hideous. well anyway, what he did meant a lot to me because it has always bothered me since we have practically been living together that we aren't the official boyfriend/girlfriend titles. we used to be before that break my junior year of highschool, but when i went to college and we sorta got back together, everything changed. like before never happened. its weird.
i'm weird.
damn i have written a lot, and i'm sure no one has read all of this... so i'll see you all in hendo when i get back on saturday. (thank god!!)
ten four good buddy-
beth ann