(no subject)
Wow. A lot happened last night and all I kept thinking about was how easily that could have been me sitting there crying. I wasn't only thinking of myself in a selfish way or anything like that, because I was so upset for you. You do not deserve what happened last night. It's just that I actually saw myself through you. That was me lying in that corner crying about my broken heart. It has been many times and I keep telling myself that I don't want that anymore but I never seem to do anything about it. I want to do something, but I just don't know what to do. How do I turn something off that has been so long in the making? Is it even possible? I really don't know anymore. It's like I don't have control over myself and I keep spiraling and spiraling towards you. I truly want to be over you. Please help me do that. Just do something terrible and awful to make me hate you. Sometimes I think that it would be easier for me if I hated you, but I know that I never could. I mean, you have done terrible and awful things before, and I have been mad at you, but I could never hate you. But I want to so bad. I am so sick of mixed messages that only end up hurting me in the end. Do you even realize that you're juggling my heart in the air when you say the things that you do? I don't think you do. Maybe I need you to break my heart to my face, like what happened last night. Maybe I need to hear you say that you don't love me like I love you. It'll hurt like hell, and I will cry for you forever, but maybe that will do it. Maybe then I will be able to move on and actually have a real relationship with someone who cares about me. My biggest fear is that you will never feel the same about me as I feel about you, but shouldn't it be that I might pass something really good up waiting for you to never come? I don't want to look back on my life ten years down the road and wish that everything was different. I know that I don't deserve that.