One Last Time
I wish he’d call.
Ten minutes is all I have left. I don’t know what I’m expecting though, but I should have known better. Haven’t I already got the sign when he stopped talking to me three days ago? When he wouldn’t even return the phone calls? All this hope is useless. I should have buried it inside me a long time ago. I should have already stopped this madness. I should have done a lot of things to prepare myself for this but I just can’t stop believing. Believing that everything will be alright. Believing that he’s going to come. Believe in him at least when I can’t even trust myself.
The seconds passed by as the hand on my wrist watch continue to tick loudly as if testing whatever sanity I have left. Eight minutes. Somehow, I can’t stop from turning my head from side to side, hoping (beyond reason), of seeing any sign of him. Stupid, really. How could he be in here when I’m past the immigration area. The only chance of seeing him here is if by some miracle, he, along with his group, Hey! Say! Jump! is going on a tour somewhere. Plus, I don’t even know if he knew what time my flight is scheduled. He probably doesn’t care though. Why would he? He probably hates me now. Of course. Or maybe I’m not really such a big person to be hated. Maybe it just doesn’t matter to him. I’m probably just another no one to him. After all, he is popular, and handsome, and good. He’d get any girl he wants just by asking. He can just throw me out of his head like some big dirt he found on the ground and pitied on. If I could read his thoughts, it’ll probably be shouting, “Oh that Miwako? She’s just some girl.” Yeah. It would be exactly like that. And I’d shrink forever from his memories.
Five minutes. I stopped looking around for nothing. Better kill whatever hope there is before it’s too late. It would definitely not be cool to be seen breaking down in the middle of a throng and get asked by some crew what’s the matter. I wouldn’t succumb to such shame minutes before I departed from Japan. I swear it under my breath. By now, I’m sitting like stone, trying to fight back the disappointment but I just can’t stop my hands from shaking, especially the right one gripping my cell phone so hard it looks like it’s already out of blood. I don’t want the panic to come crash over me. I don’t want to lose myself now, maybe in the airplane I will. Luckily, I got the seat beside the window. It would be easy to pretend that I’m sleeping there. Reserved seating is really the best especially when you’re travelling alone.
The area I’m in is bustling with excitement. I can see that from the passengers walking around, too full of energy to be sitting here like me. I struggled for a weak smile but soon stopped when I noticed that there are a lot of couples here. Great. Way to remind me of what I’m missing. Why is it that the more you try, the more it gets harder? Or maybe I’m just a big, lousy, complete fool? It’s just that…I think that whatever I’m trying to accomplish is an impossibility. How could I forget him? How could I forget that one person who saw right through me when everybody else thinks I am nothing but a freak show? How can I forget his smile that tells me everything’s going to be fine? How can he just vanish from me when I spend every minute of my free time with him (even if it is not actually free for him because of his busy schedule)? How could I just forget the way he touches my face as if I’m the most precious thing in his life? How could I when it’s him?
Calling the attention of passengers bound for Manila, you may now proceed to gate 14. Thank you.
I closed my eyes, desperate to block out the announcer’s call. This can’t be happening. I’m sure if I stay still for just a few minutes, I’d be back in my bed, dreaming like what normal girls do. I’d hear my alarm clock and wake up to be blinded by the sun light pouring through the curtains of my room. I would get my phone before it even rings and hear him tell me how wonderful his sleep has been and ask if I want to go out today. He would be outside my door in less than ten minutes and I would see him and get knocked out by his perfect features. As usual. That’s what would happen. I know it would be like that. Just some common day for a common me. It should be, right?
But, when I opened my eyes, I saw nothing but a line forming right before gate 14. The people there were all wearing big happy faces. Lots of them are Filipinos. Happy to get back home. I should be like them. It’s been three long years since I decided to study in Japan. I should be happy that I’d finally be with my family and relatives again. I should be ecstatic that in just a few hours, everything’s going back to normal. As normal as it can be. I should be happy but when I touched my face, I did not quite expect to feel it wet. I haven’t realized I’ve been crying. Really. For heaven’s sake. What? Am I getting numb now too? Of pain, at least?
Quickly, I wiped it all off my face, hoping no one noticed what a weepy girl I am. Now, everything’s sinking in. There’s no point in waiting anymore. I stood up and walked as slowly towards the line that’s already about done. Once there, I know it’s all over.
It’s probably already over ten minutes ago. I just kept on denying that.
Just when I thought there’s no turning back anymore -
“MIWAKO!”
I spun around as quickly as any person can as if some force had entitled me to do so but before I could see anything, I’ve been grabbed by strong arms and snuggled in the chest by my personal greek god, the person I’ve been having a dramatic breakdown. Ryosuke.
And now I’m 99.9% sure I’m dreaming. Well, please let me stay asleep then.
“Don’t go. Please. Don’t leave me.” His voice is trembling.
I heard his ragged breathing as if he just ran all the way from home to the airport. I pulled away a little so that I can look at him. He’s a total mess, beautiful still but hey, did I do this to him?
Okay. I’m definitely confused now.
“Ryosuke? What are you doing here? How did you--?”
“Does that matter now?” He said, a tone of anger and somewhat, sadness, can be distinguished in his voice. “I’m here, okay? And I’m sorry I’m late. I’ve been stupid and selfish and definitely reckless but I love you, Miwako. I just can’t stay away from you. And I don’t know how awful and emotional this may sound, but I don’t know how to live my life without seeing you so please….don’t leave me now. I cant…I just can’t….”
“Ryosuke…”
“Miwako…I’m begging you, if I have to kneel in front of you now I will!”
Calling all passengers bound for Manila, the gate will be closed in two minutes. Please proceed to gate 14 immediately. Thank you.
“I’m sorry, Ryosuke,” I said, trying to be as strong as possible. “You know I can’t do that.”
He looks at me straight in the eye and without changing the expression in his face, tears started to pour out of them.
I can never be more shock than now. There’s no way I CAN make him cry.
He turned his back from me and said, “Sorry I can’t let you see me like this.”
I walked closer to him and tugged his shirt.
“Don’t hide from me, Ryo.”
As he turned slowly back to face me, I hugged him and hide in his chest. Of course, he’s not the only one allowed to cry now.
“I’m sorry. I have to go but I’ll come back. I promise. I don’t how soon that’ll be but I’ll definitely come back. Will you wait for me ‘til then?” I murmured, too afraid to look at him.
But then, he cupped my face and wiped off the tears falling down my cheeks. “There’s no way I wouldn’t.”
Without asking my permission, he leaned down and kissed me. Kissed me like we’d never kissed before, like it’ll take a really really long time before he could ever touch me again. However, this happiness is short-lived. I heard the sound of the gates being closed and so, no matter how much I don’t want to, I pulled away.
“I have to go now,” I said. “But know that I love you.”
“I love you,” he said and flashed his smile that I know he’s trying to put on his face to make me happy. “Even better.”
“Maybe,” I said because I know that’ll irritate him.
I smiled one last time and bade my goodbye.
Ten minutes is all I have left. I don’t know what I’m expecting though, but I should have known better. Haven’t I already got the sign when he stopped talking to me three days ago? When he wouldn’t even return the phone calls? All this hope is useless. I should have buried it inside me a long time ago. I should have already stopped this madness. I should have done a lot of things to prepare myself for this but I just can’t stop believing. Believing that everything will be alright. Believing that he’s going to come. Believe in him at least when I can’t even trust myself.
The seconds passed by as the hand on my wrist watch continue to tick loudly as if testing whatever sanity I have left. Eight minutes. Somehow, I can’t stop from turning my head from side to side, hoping (beyond reason), of seeing any sign of him. Stupid, really. How could he be in here when I’m past the immigration area. The only chance of seeing him here is if by some miracle, he, along with his group, Hey! Say! Jump! is going on a tour somewhere. Plus, I don’t even know if he knew what time my flight is scheduled. He probably doesn’t care though. Why would he? He probably hates me now. Of course. Or maybe I’m not really such a big person to be hated. Maybe it just doesn’t matter to him. I’m probably just another no one to him. After all, he is popular, and handsome, and good. He’d get any girl he wants just by asking. He can just throw me out of his head like some big dirt he found on the ground and pitied on. If I could read his thoughts, it’ll probably be shouting, “Oh that Miwako? She’s just some girl.” Yeah. It would be exactly like that. And I’d shrink forever from his memories.
Five minutes. I stopped looking around for nothing. Better kill whatever hope there is before it’s too late. It would definitely not be cool to be seen breaking down in the middle of a throng and get asked by some crew what’s the matter. I wouldn’t succumb to such shame minutes before I departed from Japan. I swear it under my breath. By now, I’m sitting like stone, trying to fight back the disappointment but I just can’t stop my hands from shaking, especially the right one gripping my cell phone so hard it looks like it’s already out of blood. I don’t want the panic to come crash over me. I don’t want to lose myself now, maybe in the airplane I will. Luckily, I got the seat beside the window. It would be easy to pretend that I’m sleeping there. Reserved seating is really the best especially when you’re travelling alone.
The area I’m in is bustling with excitement. I can see that from the passengers walking around, too full of energy to be sitting here like me. I struggled for a weak smile but soon stopped when I noticed that there are a lot of couples here. Great. Way to remind me of what I’m missing. Why is it that the more you try, the more it gets harder? Or maybe I’m just a big, lousy, complete fool? It’s just that…I think that whatever I’m trying to accomplish is an impossibility. How could I forget him? How could I forget that one person who saw right through me when everybody else thinks I am nothing but a freak show? How can I forget his smile that tells me everything’s going to be fine? How can he just vanish from me when I spend every minute of my free time with him (even if it is not actually free for him because of his busy schedule)? How could I just forget the way he touches my face as if I’m the most precious thing in his life? How could I when it’s him?
Calling the attention of passengers bound for Manila, you may now proceed to gate 14. Thank you.
I closed my eyes, desperate to block out the announcer’s call. This can’t be happening. I’m sure if I stay still for just a few minutes, I’d be back in my bed, dreaming like what normal girls do. I’d hear my alarm clock and wake up to be blinded by the sun light pouring through the curtains of my room. I would get my phone before it even rings and hear him tell me how wonderful his sleep has been and ask if I want to go out today. He would be outside my door in less than ten minutes and I would see him and get knocked out by his perfect features. As usual. That’s what would happen. I know it would be like that. Just some common day for a common me. It should be, right?
But, when I opened my eyes, I saw nothing but a line forming right before gate 14. The people there were all wearing big happy faces. Lots of them are Filipinos. Happy to get back home. I should be like them. It’s been three long years since I decided to study in Japan. I should be happy that I’d finally be with my family and relatives again. I should be ecstatic that in just a few hours, everything’s going back to normal. As normal as it can be. I should be happy but when I touched my face, I did not quite expect to feel it wet. I haven’t realized I’ve been crying. Really. For heaven’s sake. What? Am I getting numb now too? Of pain, at least?
Quickly, I wiped it all off my face, hoping no one noticed what a weepy girl I am. Now, everything’s sinking in. There’s no point in waiting anymore. I stood up and walked as slowly towards the line that’s already about done. Once there, I know it’s all over.
It’s probably already over ten minutes ago. I just kept on denying that.
Just when I thought there’s no turning back anymore -
“MIWAKO!”
I spun around as quickly as any person can as if some force had entitled me to do so but before I could see anything, I’ve been grabbed by strong arms and snuggled in the chest by my personal greek god, the person I’ve been having a dramatic breakdown. Ryosuke.
And now I’m 99.9% sure I’m dreaming. Well, please let me stay asleep then.
“Don’t go. Please. Don’t leave me.” His voice is trembling.
I heard his ragged breathing as if he just ran all the way from home to the airport. I pulled away a little so that I can look at him. He’s a total mess, beautiful still but hey, did I do this to him?
Okay. I’m definitely confused now.
“Ryosuke? What are you doing here? How did you--?”
“Does that matter now?” He said, a tone of anger and somewhat, sadness, can be distinguished in his voice. “I’m here, okay? And I’m sorry I’m late. I’ve been stupid and selfish and definitely reckless but I love you, Miwako. I just can’t stay away from you. And I don’t know how awful and emotional this may sound, but I don’t know how to live my life without seeing you so please….don’t leave me now. I cant…I just can’t….”
“Ryosuke…”
“Miwako…I’m begging you, if I have to kneel in front of you now I will!”
Calling all passengers bound for Manila, the gate will be closed in two minutes. Please proceed to gate 14 immediately. Thank you.
“I’m sorry, Ryosuke,” I said, trying to be as strong as possible. “You know I can’t do that.”
He looks at me straight in the eye and without changing the expression in his face, tears started to pour out of them.
I can never be more shock than now. There’s no way I CAN make him cry.
He turned his back from me and said, “Sorry I can’t let you see me like this.”
I walked closer to him and tugged his shirt.
“Don’t hide from me, Ryo.”
As he turned slowly back to face me, I hugged him and hide in his chest. Of course, he’s not the only one allowed to cry now.
“I’m sorry. I have to go but I’ll come back. I promise. I don’t how soon that’ll be but I’ll definitely come back. Will you wait for me ‘til then?” I murmured, too afraid to look at him.
But then, he cupped my face and wiped off the tears falling down my cheeks. “There’s no way I wouldn’t.”
Without asking my permission, he leaned down and kissed me. Kissed me like we’d never kissed before, like it’ll take a really really long time before he could ever touch me again. However, this happiness is short-lived. I heard the sound of the gates being closed and so, no matter how much I don’t want to, I pulled away.
“I have to go now,” I said. “But know that I love you.”
“I love you,” he said and flashed his smile that I know he’s trying to put on his face to make me happy. “Even better.”
“Maybe,” I said because I know that’ll irritate him.
I smiled one last time and bade my goodbye.