(no subject)
"Sometimes, I think, am I selling out?"
Last weekend, I sat across the table from an old friend, someone I had known years ago when I was still going to be a lawyer, still surrounded myself with activists, still thought I could save the world.
He told me about his past couple years, since we had last seen each other. He had put school on hold, took some interning jobs in journalism, had his heartbroken by a Frenchman, and jet-setted around the place. He had spent time in Paris, London, Venice, and was scheduled for two months in China before returning to his job in France for half a year.
People always told me that I would never settle. I used to tell myself that I was destined for great things. Yet here I am, twenty-four, living at/near home and planning to be a wife and a mother in the next five years. So I said to him, "Do you think I'm selling out?"
"No!" he responded, so very quickly. "You're so happy! Think about it! I think I'm jealous of you."
So I have been thinking about it. Everything I've done to get me to this point has had nothing at all to do with Peter. It has nothing at all to do with wanting to love someone and start a family. With or without him, I would have ended up exactly where I am today.
I left law and human rights behind because archaeology suited me better. I left Near Eastern archaeology behind because North American suited me better. I wanted to go for my master's before Peter and I started dating, and I applied before we started getting serious, but even if it was this minute, I still would have done so (and he still would have supported me). If Peter hadn't happened, the only difference is that I would be moving into the city rather than compromising somewhere between his work and my school. That is, literally, the only difference that has made in my life plans. Pretty miniscule, right?
I never said that I didn't want to be married; I just didn't think it would happen. I never said that I didn't want to have children; I just didn't think it would happen. But everything I'm doing, right at this moment, is what I have wanted to do, so who can accuse me of "settling" or of "selling out"? Just because I haven't saved the world? I wouldn't have been able to anyway, even before I willingly walked away (before Peter, I note) from that past. Just because I have someone at my side who I want to start a family with? That's nonsense; I haven't sacrificed a thing to be with him, and he would never ask me to.
I look at my friend's life, and I'm a teensy bit jealous. Seeing all those wonderful places, meeting all those new people, how wonderful that must be! But even if I could ("Why don't you?" he asks; "Not all of us have parents who make six figures," I reply), I don't want to. What I want, deep down inside at this very moment, is exactly what I have now. Well, that's not 100% true, because I'd rather keep working than go do my master's at this current point in time, but that's not an option. But if it's between continuing on with my love of archaeology and love of Peter, or jet-setting around the world, well, then I would still pick this every time. I am so happy, so wonderfully happy. How can it be "settling" if it's what I want?
And sometimes I think, "but is this God's plan for me? Really? After I promised to do all His work?" But who am I to argue with all the signs I've been given? I've been so blessed, everything has practically fallen into my lap. Between the university transfer, the successful studies, the job I love so much, the acceptance into Western, my OGS scholarship, and my smooth and satisfying relationship with a man who treats me more than well, how can I say that's been anything but a path? It's been such a path that it's got blinking neon lights and practically lighting up the whole way and little arrows pointing towards the destination. I've been marvelling at how easy this past year has been for me - and believe me, I have never had a year been any kinds of easy before this one - that I know there has to be someone up there, hand-feeding me, tugging me down this road, this happy road, this road I love. To go from being so miserable all the time to so happy, so blissfully happy, well, I scarcely know what to do with myself. Is this my reward, for all that hell that was my teenage years? Is this just a trick, a mirage that's going to be ripped away from me, leaving me worse off than before? Is this just a taste of the life I could have, before I'm called to leave it all behind and do God's work? I thought I was ready, to carry out His mission, but maybe I'm not worthy until I have something to sacrifice.
And I would sacrifice it, of course I would. There's never any question, though it would hurt perhaps more than I could bear. But for the first time in my life, I don't want to. I want God to leave me be, to let me live this little piece of heaven He's carved out for me. I don't want Him to ask me to give it up, but just live out this quiet, wonderful, happy life, as best as I know how, in His honour. That's what I really want these days. I want Peter, the wonderful families that we share and the new one that we will build together, our good friends and the old ones that never left my side, and this job that I love so very much, every second of every day. I never asked for these things, but I thank God for them every night. I pray He will not take them away.
I don't think that's "settling". I don't think that it is settling at all.
Last weekend, I sat across the table from an old friend, someone I had known years ago when I was still going to be a lawyer, still surrounded myself with activists, still thought I could save the world.
He told me about his past couple years, since we had last seen each other. He had put school on hold, took some interning jobs in journalism, had his heartbroken by a Frenchman, and jet-setted around the place. He had spent time in Paris, London, Venice, and was scheduled for two months in China before returning to his job in France for half a year.
People always told me that I would never settle. I used to tell myself that I was destined for great things. Yet here I am, twenty-four, living at/near home and planning to be a wife and a mother in the next five years. So I said to him, "Do you think I'm selling out?"
"No!" he responded, so very quickly. "You're so happy! Think about it! I think I'm jealous of you."
So I have been thinking about it. Everything I've done to get me to this point has had nothing at all to do with Peter. It has nothing at all to do with wanting to love someone and start a family. With or without him, I would have ended up exactly where I am today.
I left law and human rights behind because archaeology suited me better. I left Near Eastern archaeology behind because North American suited me better. I wanted to go for my master's before Peter and I started dating, and I applied before we started getting serious, but even if it was this minute, I still would have done so (and he still would have supported me). If Peter hadn't happened, the only difference is that I would be moving into the city rather than compromising somewhere between his work and my school. That is, literally, the only difference that has made in my life plans. Pretty miniscule, right?
I never said that I didn't want to be married; I just didn't think it would happen. I never said that I didn't want to have children; I just didn't think it would happen. But everything I'm doing, right at this moment, is what I have wanted to do, so who can accuse me of "settling" or of "selling out"? Just because I haven't saved the world? I wouldn't have been able to anyway, even before I willingly walked away (before Peter, I note) from that past. Just because I have someone at my side who I want to start a family with? That's nonsense; I haven't sacrificed a thing to be with him, and he would never ask me to.
I look at my friend's life, and I'm a teensy bit jealous. Seeing all those wonderful places, meeting all those new people, how wonderful that must be! But even if I could ("Why don't you?" he asks; "Not all of us have parents who make six figures," I reply), I don't want to. What I want, deep down inside at this very moment, is exactly what I have now. Well, that's not 100% true, because I'd rather keep working than go do my master's at this current point in time, but that's not an option. But if it's between continuing on with my love of archaeology and love of Peter, or jet-setting around the world, well, then I would still pick this every time. I am so happy, so wonderfully happy. How can it be "settling" if it's what I want?
And sometimes I think, "but is this God's plan for me? Really? After I promised to do all His work?" But who am I to argue with all the signs I've been given? I've been so blessed, everything has practically fallen into my lap. Between the university transfer, the successful studies, the job I love so much, the acceptance into Western, my OGS scholarship, and my smooth and satisfying relationship with a man who treats me more than well, how can I say that's been anything but a path? It's been such a path that it's got blinking neon lights and practically lighting up the whole way and little arrows pointing towards the destination. I've been marvelling at how easy this past year has been for me - and believe me, I have never had a year been any kinds of easy before this one - that I know there has to be someone up there, hand-feeding me, tugging me down this road, this happy road, this road I love. To go from being so miserable all the time to so happy, so blissfully happy, well, I scarcely know what to do with myself. Is this my reward, for all that hell that was my teenage years? Is this just a trick, a mirage that's going to be ripped away from me, leaving me worse off than before? Is this just a taste of the life I could have, before I'm called to leave it all behind and do God's work? I thought I was ready, to carry out His mission, but maybe I'm not worthy until I have something to sacrifice.
And I would sacrifice it, of course I would. There's never any question, though it would hurt perhaps more than I could bear. But for the first time in my life, I don't want to. I want God to leave me be, to let me live this little piece of heaven He's carved out for me. I don't want Him to ask me to give it up, but just live out this quiet, wonderful, happy life, as best as I know how, in His honour. That's what I really want these days. I want Peter, the wonderful families that we share and the new one that we will build together, our good friends and the old ones that never left my side, and this job that I love so very much, every second of every day. I never asked for these things, but I thank God for them every night. I pray He will not take them away.
I don't think that's "settling". I don't think that it is settling at all.