(no subject)
Mom asked me last night why she heard me crying while Peter was over the other day.
I said, "Because sometimes he just holds me while I cry. That thing, the one that happened to me when I was a teen, the one we don't talk about - it's not gone. I don't know if it will ever be gone. I've never told you this, but I hated myself so much back then. I'm better now, than I was, but I still often feel like I don't deserve the things that I have. I'll never understand how someone could love me."
And she looked at me with tears and shock in her eyes, as if it never really occurred to her that all those years I spent crying in my room could have actually meant that I was unhappy. She sputtered out, "But there's so much about you to love," without really thinking about it.
It's something that I try to remind myself of, but today I'm revisiting that self-loathing. I want to vomit when I think of how weak and pathetic I was on Thursday night, when I cried while Peter held me. I don't want to be that person; I want to destroy her.
There are these two contrasting sides to me, sometimes. Good but weak, or strong but dark. And it's the latter side that I feel today, the one who wants to ruin things. I want to ruin her, the weak one who cried in Peter's arms; I want to cut her out and leave her behind. I despise her.
But it shouldn't be this way. That good and weak side is the one who wants to love and marry Peter. The strength and darkness belongs (was caused by) that thing that happened to me, all those years ago, the one that I can never talk about. I like being a good person, and I like being a strong person. Why can't I be both at once? Why can't I be the person I want to be?