(no subject)
I'm missing things tonight.
I'm missing people tonight.
and on a side note I'm very disapointed with trader joes cherry almond clusters cereal. that which seemed so promising doth bring the most bitter fruit of let-down.
so here's waht i'm going to do. this is a gmail convo from last night.
8:55 PM me: you know what I fucking miss? I miss (this is a rant) being surprised by people. I want just once. just once to walk into a class and have the professor be passionate about what he's teaching me. I want just once to find somebody on a bus who isn't creepy and wants to hear my story. I want somebody to tell me that I'm amazing for some reason other than the fact that I do something better than they do. I want just once to be swept off my feet. just once. I want just one stinking minute where life is like its supposed to be. I want to be treated like a princess just. fucking. once. i want somebody to tell me that I'm worth fighting for. And just once in my miserable walked over fucking life. I want somebody to actually fight.
8:57 PM but I know people. I know he's never going to show up at my door and tell me that he missed me and just wants to hang out. I know I'll go to class the next morning and it'll be the same shit. I know I'll go to sleep tonight thinking that I'm only good for doing other peoples homework and doing stupid things really well. I know that people don't follow you when you walk away. thats why I'm so scared to. I know they don't see me that way so If I don't hold on to what I've got nobodys gonna do it for me
8:58 PM and most of all I know I did something to desrve all this.
I just wish I knew what it was
9:02 PM Potter: if you give me someone to fight you for, you know damn well that i will fight them with every single molecule of theoretical energy in my body and i won't rest until YOU'RE satisfied. and i'll never let you do my hoemwork because i should never have to tell you that you're amazing for it. you know damn well that you're amazing anyways and i can' think for the life of me a reason of why i would ahve to poin it out. you know damn well that i'm there for you. and that i'll take a freaking bullet for you and never look back. but you and i BOTH know that tomorrow will bring the same shit because nobody is as intelligent as we are and have the motivation to change something. but while we tune them out and distinguish them from our philosophical viewpoints we will try our best to make the day worth it, until we reach the same point that we're at right now and we'll do it all again. because we're all just waiting around to die, and what better way to do it than torment yourself in a superficial society in which everybody is as mindless as the cement beheath their feet
they are turkey's drowning themselves in the rain. drop by drop. minute by minute. but we have learned to push beyond and to stop it from consuming us
9:09 PM me: I don't always think so anymore. I used to be able to take refuge in that one thing. That I was above it all. That no matter how lonely and out of touch I felt with the people around me it didn't matter, cause I was destined for great things. But that phrase really rings stale now. And I really can't see my way through to justify that I'm any better than anybody else around me. I've lost sight of whatever greatness that was in me. Whatever or whomever was pushing me, driving me left when I let myself relly on somebody else and took my back bone with them. All of a sudden I'm struggling just to stand up by myself. All of a sudden I catch myself wondering if I'll end up a dead end drone like everybody else I grew up with. Some quiet out of the way job in a life thats completely unremarkable except for the fact that its so unhappy. And THAT is waiting around for death. And doing so is a waste of time. and you knw how I hate that. so If I can't find a way to see that again and I reallly do decide that I'm no better, fuck that. I'd rather not wait. get it fuckin over with. So as long as I have somebody to make me fight I can sorta remember. even if that person is the same one that reminds me how useless really might be.
9:13 PM Potter: you're talking about having trouble standing up by yourself- and if that's true - you shouldn't be trying to reach out for balshaw. not till you can stand on your own. past experiance should ahve shown you by not that he's not going to be able to support you. nor should he. you are your own person. and you shouldn't try and be anything else. yes, we're all waiting around to die, trying our best to ignore the inescapablitity of our own mortality, but in the meantime so many things take place that somehow it makes it all worth it to the semi-diluted mind of an optimist. knowing and loving and hating and discovering.
it all makes it worth it.
9:15 PM i like this one.
Without pain, without sacrifice, we would have nothing.
9:16 PM me: I miss my books and my fairy tales. miss feeling special. And this isn't all about him. I know it sounds that way. but he's just really a surface cause. He's the one tangible thing I can say keeps hurting me.
9:17 PM Its just that death or no death, I used to be able to look around me and see incredible things. I go back and read journal entries from a year or so ago and wonder what happened to that. I used to have this wellspring inside of me of loving life. And it just died. I don't see it anymore. When I walk around music doesn't play in my head anymore. I don't go around caught up in my own world anymore.
9:18 PM and without that fire. I don't know what I'll do. because I don't know how to live without it.
Potter: ya. i miss the same things.
9:19 PM me: i don't want to live without it
9:23 PM Potter: i live my life alone because nobody here could possibly understnad the things that i want to talk about or think about or feel the way i do. because they are all cught up in the demands of a life that they don't seem to appreciate for what it is. the fact that it's more about homework assignments or work or college or friends. it's about the appreciation of everything around you and everything that you WANT to be but enver can and never will. it's about the wild thoughts that go racing through your mind late at night when nobody can hear your thoughts but the passing cars outisde your window. and the sun as it hits your face while you lie in the lawn waiting for the clouds to pass in the afternoon. the simple things that nobody seems to have tim eto notice. it's about compassion, and love, and realism. balence and harmony and honour and courage and the simple ingredients of human psychology. it's about REALIZING all those things and loving them for the simplistic complexity to the inner workings of your imagination for what they are.
9:26 PM me: I still see all of that. I stand sometimes just stop when its miserable and let the wind whip around me. just to remember how it feels. how much I love it. I look out my window and see a city spread out under my fingers, a million lights reflecting off a the water. I see skyscrapers every day that daily testify to what human kind CAN do. And I love it. I love it so much it hurts. because that part of me is alive.
9:29 PM But I also see things I don't have. I see the way my parents look at eachother even after everything they go through. I see people go running to the sides of those they love to protect them. I see people walk by me who are legitimately happy with who they are and what they have. its written all over their face. And Its like being outside screaming and banging on the windows "I want what you fucking have. please. please. let me in" Because I'm not even a beautiful disaster anymore. I just a disaster.
9:33 PM Potter: what they have is ignorance. because their ignorance IS their bliss. they no nothing about what they want or who they are. and the reason for that is that they're walking around with smiles on their faces. if they knew what they were - what they SHOULD have done with their lives, rather than walk moronically down the streets with some stupid grin on their faces, telling anyone tuned into their frequency of stupidity just how lacking their superficial day to day activities and realizing that there is SO MUCH MORE that they should be doing.
and if they realized all that. they'd go on a killing spree
9:38 PM me: DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? I don't care anymore. I'm so fucking close to admitting that I'd throw FUCKING EVERYTHING away. EVERYTHING. to be happy. ANYTHING to be happy. Do you have ANY idea what it feels llike to know you're not fucking strong enough and that constantly you have to redefine perfection so it meets your falling standards? Do you have any idea how bad you can want to give up. How badly one person can want happily ever after. What it feels like to love the people around you so much more than they will ever ever understand but know at the same time that you're not strong enough not good enough to save them. Make them understand. Finding someone you think understands and letting them into everything you kept safe only to let them destroy you. Do you understnad that? Do know how bad one person can want just to be needed? How hard it is to keep pulling your head above the water just to sink again?
9:40 PM Potter: yes.
yes to everything.
9:41 PM so badly it makes me sick and weak at the knees and ready to give up.
9:42 PM because nothing seems to go my way and it makes me want to break down and rip myself apart for the human qualities of my own life that smite me to my very core.
the fact that no matter what i do i can never win and that no matter how hard i try it's never going to be enough.
9:43 PM i can pour myself into people or places or things. but the only thing that's ever going to stay the same is the utter hallowness that seems to swallow me as soon as the lights go out at night
and it keeps me up for HOURS
9:44 PM NIGHT AFTER NIGHT trying to make my world better than it is. better than i know it's ever goingt o be. and it drives me deeper and deeper into this fucking hole that i can't escape - only ignore.
9:45 PM but that ignorance is the same thing that seems to keep everyone around me. around us. so happy. the fact that they have no idea what they're doing. and they don't seem tocare. and we were cursed without own self realization that we can't escape from anything
and the only release that i seem to get is from writing my heart and soul onto papers that nobody will ever read. till my hans bleed and blister.
but it's never enough
9:47 PM and the only thing that can keep me going is music and writing.
9:48 PM me: I preform like a good little monkey for everyone. I do everything I'm supposed to. I was a good daughter. I was good student. I was good girlfriend. but it was never enough.
what I write on paper. What I sing. Is never good enough for me. Its never good enough
I can't even live up to what I can do.
9:49 PM and so I stare at the ceiling. I when I sleep I can't stop dreaming. can't stop dying.
9:50 PM And I can't let last year go. I was so close to happy. So close. So close that my hands shake on the keyboard while I type and I can't even see the screen I'm trying so fucking hard not to cry. When I was with you guys my demons couldn't get me.
I don't even have that any more. and theres nobody between me and the demons.
9:51 PM and the worst part is they're just me. nothing outside. just me. Me unable to be happy unable to make the grade unable to do anything fucking right Anything.
9:52 PM i don't want to live like this. I want somebody to carry me. just for a while. If someone doesn't find me soon I'll die outside in this cold.I'm not strong enough. not good enough. for me or anyone else.
9:53 PM and the most pathetic thing is that my entire life more than power money fame glory. I have always been weak. because I've always wanted more than anything else in the world is for somebody to hold me. As pathetic and weak and useless and ignorant and stupid and feeble as it is. I detest myself for it. but I can't stop wanting it.
Potter: i've got the same thing. i sit here and it takes all my focus to LITERLLY not break down. because i miss the past and the way i felt. knowing that i could wake up to see you guys - and even risa while she was here - and know that nothing could possibly go wrong when we're together. that no matter what happens everything would be ok because you guys were there.
9:56 PM me: james I can't do this without you two . I can't. My hands shake now. I could do anything before. I crashed a fucking car and they didn't shake. but I can't face thinking about living like this without my hands shaking so bad I can't type. My god I've gotten so good at sobbing silently. I just shake and it feels like my hearts going to stop beating because I'm in so much pain.
please please god.l somebody. anybody. make it stop.
9:57 PM Potter: it won't stop
it won't stop till morning and even then it'lls only be supressed
i've got to go before i won't be able to get myself up in the morning.
me: don't say that. I won't be able to keep it silent if you say that.
9:58 PM please somebody lie to me
Potter: i can't make it stop. it just keeps going on without us and there's nothign we can do it slow it down or cahnge it.
9:59 PM me: no nonono
I can't do this
Potter: it's the superficial entropy of a world that doesn't acknowledge our existance and the best we can do it live in the memories of times we can't save.
10:00 PM me: you can't tell me this. you can't. please no. I'm holding on by less than a thread. Praying to something I don't even believe in to make it okay. You can't take that away from me.
10:01 PM Potter: i've seriously got to go. i'm not going to have the courage to get myself up in the morning.
me: i understand.
10:02 PM Potter: you know i love you right?
me: yeah. I love you too.
if you had the balls to read all of that I applaud you. and assume you know have an idea of the situation my life is in right now.
thats all
I'm missing people tonight.
and on a side note I'm very disapointed with trader joes cherry almond clusters cereal. that which seemed so promising doth bring the most bitter fruit of let-down.
so here's waht i'm going to do. this is a gmail convo from last night.
8:55 PM me: you know what I fucking miss? I miss (this is a rant) being surprised by people. I want just once. just once to walk into a class and have the professor be passionate about what he's teaching me. I want just once to find somebody on a bus who isn't creepy and wants to hear my story. I want somebody to tell me that I'm amazing for some reason other than the fact that I do something better than they do. I want just once to be swept off my feet. just once. I want just one stinking minute where life is like its supposed to be. I want to be treated like a princess just. fucking. once. i want somebody to tell me that I'm worth fighting for. And just once in my miserable walked over fucking life. I want somebody to actually fight.
8:57 PM but I know people. I know he's never going to show up at my door and tell me that he missed me and just wants to hang out. I know I'll go to class the next morning and it'll be the same shit. I know I'll go to sleep tonight thinking that I'm only good for doing other peoples homework and doing stupid things really well. I know that people don't follow you when you walk away. thats why I'm so scared to. I know they don't see me that way so If I don't hold on to what I've got nobodys gonna do it for me
8:58 PM and most of all I know I did something to desrve all this.
I just wish I knew what it was
9:02 PM Potter: if you give me someone to fight you for, you know damn well that i will fight them with every single molecule of theoretical energy in my body and i won't rest until YOU'RE satisfied. and i'll never let you do my hoemwork because i should never have to tell you that you're amazing for it. you know damn well that you're amazing anyways and i can' think for the life of me a reason of why i would ahve to poin it out. you know damn well that i'm there for you. and that i'll take a freaking bullet for you and never look back. but you and i BOTH know that tomorrow will bring the same shit because nobody is as intelligent as we are and have the motivation to change something. but while we tune them out and distinguish them from our philosophical viewpoints we will try our best to make the day worth it, until we reach the same point that we're at right now and we'll do it all again. because we're all just waiting around to die, and what better way to do it than torment yourself in a superficial society in which everybody is as mindless as the cement beheath their feet
they are turkey's drowning themselves in the rain. drop by drop. minute by minute. but we have learned to push beyond and to stop it from consuming us
9:09 PM me: I don't always think so anymore. I used to be able to take refuge in that one thing. That I was above it all. That no matter how lonely and out of touch I felt with the people around me it didn't matter, cause I was destined for great things. But that phrase really rings stale now. And I really can't see my way through to justify that I'm any better than anybody else around me. I've lost sight of whatever greatness that was in me. Whatever or whomever was pushing me, driving me left when I let myself relly on somebody else and took my back bone with them. All of a sudden I'm struggling just to stand up by myself. All of a sudden I catch myself wondering if I'll end up a dead end drone like everybody else I grew up with. Some quiet out of the way job in a life thats completely unremarkable except for the fact that its so unhappy. And THAT is waiting around for death. And doing so is a waste of time. and you knw how I hate that. so If I can't find a way to see that again and I reallly do decide that I'm no better, fuck that. I'd rather not wait. get it fuckin over with. So as long as I have somebody to make me fight I can sorta remember. even if that person is the same one that reminds me how useless really might be.
9:13 PM Potter: you're talking about having trouble standing up by yourself- and if that's true - you shouldn't be trying to reach out for balshaw. not till you can stand on your own. past experiance should ahve shown you by not that he's not going to be able to support you. nor should he. you are your own person. and you shouldn't try and be anything else. yes, we're all waiting around to die, trying our best to ignore the inescapablitity of our own mortality, but in the meantime so many things take place that somehow it makes it all worth it to the semi-diluted mind of an optimist. knowing and loving and hating and discovering.
it all makes it worth it.
9:15 PM i like this one.
Without pain, without sacrifice, we would have nothing.
9:16 PM me: I miss my books and my fairy tales. miss feeling special. And this isn't all about him. I know it sounds that way. but he's just really a surface cause. He's the one tangible thing I can say keeps hurting me.
9:17 PM Its just that death or no death, I used to be able to look around me and see incredible things. I go back and read journal entries from a year or so ago and wonder what happened to that. I used to have this wellspring inside of me of loving life. And it just died. I don't see it anymore. When I walk around music doesn't play in my head anymore. I don't go around caught up in my own world anymore.
9:18 PM and without that fire. I don't know what I'll do. because I don't know how to live without it.
Potter: ya. i miss the same things.
9:19 PM me: i don't want to live without it
9:23 PM Potter: i live my life alone because nobody here could possibly understnad the things that i want to talk about or think about or feel the way i do. because they are all cught up in the demands of a life that they don't seem to appreciate for what it is. the fact that it's more about homework assignments or work or college or friends. it's about the appreciation of everything around you and everything that you WANT to be but enver can and never will. it's about the wild thoughts that go racing through your mind late at night when nobody can hear your thoughts but the passing cars outisde your window. and the sun as it hits your face while you lie in the lawn waiting for the clouds to pass in the afternoon. the simple things that nobody seems to have tim eto notice. it's about compassion, and love, and realism. balence and harmony and honour and courage and the simple ingredients of human psychology. it's about REALIZING all those things and loving them for the simplistic complexity to the inner workings of your imagination for what they are.
9:26 PM me: I still see all of that. I stand sometimes just stop when its miserable and let the wind whip around me. just to remember how it feels. how much I love it. I look out my window and see a city spread out under my fingers, a million lights reflecting off a the water. I see skyscrapers every day that daily testify to what human kind CAN do. And I love it. I love it so much it hurts. because that part of me is alive.
9:29 PM But I also see things I don't have. I see the way my parents look at eachother even after everything they go through. I see people go running to the sides of those they love to protect them. I see people walk by me who are legitimately happy with who they are and what they have. its written all over their face. And Its like being outside screaming and banging on the windows "I want what you fucking have. please. please. let me in" Because I'm not even a beautiful disaster anymore. I just a disaster.
9:33 PM Potter: what they have is ignorance. because their ignorance IS their bliss. they no nothing about what they want or who they are. and the reason for that is that they're walking around with smiles on their faces. if they knew what they were - what they SHOULD have done with their lives, rather than walk moronically down the streets with some stupid grin on their faces, telling anyone tuned into their frequency of stupidity just how lacking their superficial day to day activities and realizing that there is SO MUCH MORE that they should be doing.
and if they realized all that. they'd go on a killing spree
9:38 PM me: DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? I don't care anymore. I'm so fucking close to admitting that I'd throw FUCKING EVERYTHING away. EVERYTHING. to be happy. ANYTHING to be happy. Do you have ANY idea what it feels llike to know you're not fucking strong enough and that constantly you have to redefine perfection so it meets your falling standards? Do you have any idea how bad you can want to give up. How badly one person can want happily ever after. What it feels like to love the people around you so much more than they will ever ever understand but know at the same time that you're not strong enough not good enough to save them. Make them understand. Finding someone you think understands and letting them into everything you kept safe only to let them destroy you. Do you understnad that? Do know how bad one person can want just to be needed? How hard it is to keep pulling your head above the water just to sink again?
9:40 PM Potter: yes.
yes to everything.
9:41 PM so badly it makes me sick and weak at the knees and ready to give up.
9:42 PM because nothing seems to go my way and it makes me want to break down and rip myself apart for the human qualities of my own life that smite me to my very core.
the fact that no matter what i do i can never win and that no matter how hard i try it's never going to be enough.
9:43 PM i can pour myself into people or places or things. but the only thing that's ever going to stay the same is the utter hallowness that seems to swallow me as soon as the lights go out at night
and it keeps me up for HOURS
9:44 PM NIGHT AFTER NIGHT trying to make my world better than it is. better than i know it's ever goingt o be. and it drives me deeper and deeper into this fucking hole that i can't escape - only ignore.
9:45 PM but that ignorance is the same thing that seems to keep everyone around me. around us. so happy. the fact that they have no idea what they're doing. and they don't seem tocare. and we were cursed without own self realization that we can't escape from anything
and the only release that i seem to get is from writing my heart and soul onto papers that nobody will ever read. till my hans bleed and blister.
but it's never enough
9:47 PM and the only thing that can keep me going is music and writing.
9:48 PM me: I preform like a good little monkey for everyone. I do everything I'm supposed to. I was a good daughter. I was good student. I was good girlfriend. but it was never enough.
what I write on paper. What I sing. Is never good enough for me. Its never good enough
I can't even live up to what I can do.
9:49 PM and so I stare at the ceiling. I when I sleep I can't stop dreaming. can't stop dying.
9:50 PM And I can't let last year go. I was so close to happy. So close. So close that my hands shake on the keyboard while I type and I can't even see the screen I'm trying so fucking hard not to cry. When I was with you guys my demons couldn't get me.
I don't even have that any more. and theres nobody between me and the demons.
9:51 PM and the worst part is they're just me. nothing outside. just me. Me unable to be happy unable to make the grade unable to do anything fucking right Anything.
9:52 PM i don't want to live like this. I want somebody to carry me. just for a while. If someone doesn't find me soon I'll die outside in this cold.I'm not strong enough. not good enough. for me or anyone else.
9:53 PM and the most pathetic thing is that my entire life more than power money fame glory. I have always been weak. because I've always wanted more than anything else in the world is for somebody to hold me. As pathetic and weak and useless and ignorant and stupid and feeble as it is. I detest myself for it. but I can't stop wanting it.
Potter: i've got the same thing. i sit here and it takes all my focus to LITERLLY not break down. because i miss the past and the way i felt. knowing that i could wake up to see you guys - and even risa while she was here - and know that nothing could possibly go wrong when we're together. that no matter what happens everything would be ok because you guys were there.
9:56 PM me: james I can't do this without you two . I can't. My hands shake now. I could do anything before. I crashed a fucking car and they didn't shake. but I can't face thinking about living like this without my hands shaking so bad I can't type. My god I've gotten so good at sobbing silently. I just shake and it feels like my hearts going to stop beating because I'm in so much pain.
please please god.l somebody. anybody. make it stop.
9:57 PM Potter: it won't stop
it won't stop till morning and even then it'lls only be supressed
i've got to go before i won't be able to get myself up in the morning.
me: don't say that. I won't be able to keep it silent if you say that.
9:58 PM please somebody lie to me
Potter: i can't make it stop. it just keeps going on without us and there's nothign we can do it slow it down or cahnge it.
9:59 PM me: no nonono
I can't do this
Potter: it's the superficial entropy of a world that doesn't acknowledge our existance and the best we can do it live in the memories of times we can't save.
10:00 PM me: you can't tell me this. you can't. please no. I'm holding on by less than a thread. Praying to something I don't even believe in to make it okay. You can't take that away from me.
10:01 PM Potter: i've seriously got to go. i'm not going to have the courage to get myself up in the morning.
me: i understand.
10:02 PM Potter: you know i love you right?
me: yeah. I love you too.
if you had the balls to read all of that I applaud you. and assume you know have an idea of the situation my life is in right now.
thats all