Inside Out.
I can't sleep. I can NEVER sleep. This is literally becoming a character trait for me. I am experiencing depression. I have since Suzy Shine. I have come to terms with what happened but haven't fully talked about it with myself. I just want to get it right like the Rachel Berry original song. My mind just was RACING after telling Garcia I could do her birthday show. Literally going 1,000 miles per hour. Thinking of a million scenarios and a million things I needed to prepare for the event. And who would come. And getting a hotel room. I can't even get into the million things I was thinking. This is the tired state. Alert enough to know something is up but too tired to really do anything about it. I need to back out because my mental health is more important than that opportunity. I just wish I could get it right. I know I have done good things with my life but I want to do more. I know I am too hard on myself, I know. I need to drop all these expectations and just be.
I'm feeling depressed about money. I was a lot happier when I knew I had a good amount, when I knew I didn't have bills to pay. It kills me how much money determines my mood. I hate that. At Ticketmaster I had planned on working on myself and really getting more into art and for 8 months I sat on those phones and didn't do shit. And working paycheck to paycheck like that was very depressing. I just could not see a light at the end of the tunnel no matter how much I tried. Tried staying extra hours and just knowing that even working overtime that I still was not getting shit. In my life there seems to me two rivers. There's one route I plan on taking and its smooth and I just know I will glide down the river. But then there's the other river. It has many snags and debris and branched areas where I inevitably could get stuck . There is usually a fork in these rivers and right as I am trying to go down smooth river something pops up that makes me forced to go down the ricer with many obstacles. I think my weight once again is making me feel this way.