(no subject)
I wrote a poem today in 4th, not my usual styling.
I read it in the reading during 8th, and had Ms. Lawrence read it beforehand.
She said I was truly a fine-tuned poet, and I appreciate that she said that.. But well, she praises everyone's writing, though she does praise some much more emphatically than others. This was one of those times where it was emphatic, but I want some contructive criticism. Nackos liked it too, but she said she wouldn't change it at all. I'm not sure, but if enough of you like it as-is, then I'll leave it.
I must admit, I'm looking forward to hearing from Clara and Kirsten in particular as they are two marvelous poets themselves and I admire them very much.
-
A surrogate nativity.
Bland and in the middle,
ivory behind the pearl,
whispers among hushes,
tea-wash rain as grey as Earl.
There's a clink of sun yet fading,
there's some salt crept up my nose,
our attire weighs down with moisture,
At long last I have found home.
The sand ravishes my feet,
the shore grows bitter with tides-in,
the fern may be medicinal,
but the nettles don't give in.
Such waters are not inviting,
Lady Kelp looms with the wind,
but I'm venturing on anyway,
For it's here I now fit in.
Though my edges do not soften
with the beating of the waves,
And I do not know a thing about
taking caution near dock-clays,
I am taught to hold a loyalty.
I'll fish with my own heart,
for surviving among the drift and rock,
I must learn it is an art.
-
Ok, well, I mean, I like it.. but there are things I think could be improved.. Like Lady Kelp. She sways with the current really, but "Current" didn't fit, so I used air instead of water and that doesn't really work either.. Dock-clays, as well as the name Lady Kelp, which may or may not be the name for that kelp, are the names I just used anyway when around my mother, who called the clay under the docks "dock-clay" and that long, ropey and finny sea weed "Lady Kelp". She didn't like it when I played in the clay under the dock because of the tar, she thought it was bad.
Anyway, I'm nervous about it because I really haven't ever tried writing about land and nature.. And I've only tried a few times (with comical but unfulfilling results) have ever made poems that rhymed or semi-rhymed and had rhythm like this. My writing is usually pretty.. well, not this.
So what do you all think?
I read it in the reading during 8th, and had Ms. Lawrence read it beforehand.
She said I was truly a fine-tuned poet, and I appreciate that she said that.. But well, she praises everyone's writing, though she does praise some much more emphatically than others. This was one of those times where it was emphatic, but I want some contructive criticism. Nackos liked it too, but she said she wouldn't change it at all. I'm not sure, but if enough of you like it as-is, then I'll leave it.
I must admit, I'm looking forward to hearing from Clara and Kirsten in particular as they are two marvelous poets themselves and I admire them very much.
-
A surrogate nativity.
Bland and in the middle,
ivory behind the pearl,
whispers among hushes,
tea-wash rain as grey as Earl.
There's a clink of sun yet fading,
there's some salt crept up my nose,
our attire weighs down with moisture,
At long last I have found home.
The sand ravishes my feet,
the shore grows bitter with tides-in,
the fern may be medicinal,
but the nettles don't give in.
Such waters are not inviting,
Lady Kelp looms with the wind,
but I'm venturing on anyway,
For it's here I now fit in.
Though my edges do not soften
with the beating of the waves,
And I do not know a thing about
taking caution near dock-clays,
I am taught to hold a loyalty.
I'll fish with my own heart,
for surviving among the drift and rock,
I must learn it is an art.
-
Ok, well, I mean, I like it.. but there are things I think could be improved.. Like Lady Kelp. She sways with the current really, but "Current" didn't fit, so I used air instead of water and that doesn't really work either.. Dock-clays, as well as the name Lady Kelp, which may or may not be the name for that kelp, are the names I just used anyway when around my mother, who called the clay under the docks "dock-clay" and that long, ropey and finny sea weed "Lady Kelp". She didn't like it when I played in the clay under the dock because of the tar, she thought it was bad.
Anyway, I'm nervous about it because I really haven't ever tried writing about land and nature.. And I've only tried a few times (with comical but unfulfilling results) have ever made poems that rhymed or semi-rhymed and had rhythm like this. My writing is usually pretty.. well, not this.
So what do you all think?