Ramblings
I've been feeling very nostalgic and morose lately. Things have been about the same for a while now. I'm still working, still have what only seems like a lot of downtime when I'm not taking it, and am still running around with checklists crossing off things until I can get into the credential program. My mother still hasn't called me once since I got my Bachelor's. Sad, yes, but at this point I've just learned that she isn't going to. She doesn't care to know how I am or what I'm up to. She didn't invite me to her wedding - my baby brother did less than 24 hours before the event itself. And it only seems like she writes when I write something first. Text messages for Christmas and New Years... whee.
What have I got to complain about though? She threw me out, and when I asked her to call me on my graduation she asked me if my number (which I clearly use to call and text) was still the same. In front of the rest of my family she asked me this. It's one thing to dislike my choice of significant other, but it's another to ostracize me completely over it.
She promised to email me grandma and great-grandma's email addresses. I guess that just didn't work out. And my birthday last year? No card, no email, no phone call, no text... zero acknowledgment what so ever. Ouch.
Yeah I guess I'm a little bitter about it, but then again, I do have the right. She asked me for my permission to stay friends with my ex. I acquiesced. But I didn't think that she'd do to me what her parents did to her and pick him over me.
Whining? Yeah, a tad. I've been breathing deep and trying to cope with this for a while now. When I moved out she had erected a myspace page "in memory of" me. She was the one that told me that 'in honor of' is for someone still living and 'in memory of' is for someone who is deceased. Then she took it personally when I was insulted and had myspace take the page down. I don't feel that I was being unreasonable there.
I miss some of my old friends. Some I know have been going through even worse times than me. Some better, I'm sure.
What happened to my life? I let large parts of it run away like a panzer with launch rockets strapped to it. Carelessness and irresponsibility consumed me for a few of the years in the middle, I know. The worst part is truly that nothing ever gets "back to normal". Normal is, of course, an entirely relativistic term.
Nobody gets to pick their families - at least not the blood families. I suppose I still would have chosen mine, but it'd be nice to be able to weed out some of the less pleasant attributes. Then again, what would they have done to me? Maybe I would be successful and contentedly numb to the planet. I wouldn't be happy but at least I wouldn't have a baseline to compare it against. Besides who wants to be perfect if they can't have a personality to go with it?
I miss the people I used to go hang out in parks with for long hours with no reason and all the air to rant in one could hope for. Sometimes I even miss Starbucks but it will just never be the same.
I've been dreaming about my mom lately and the sad thing is that every time she speaks to me in my dreams I wonder what happened. Inside of the dream I'm standing there wondering why my mother suddenly decided to be loving and warm to me. It's not that I wouldn't like it... just that I start worrying about Greeks bearing gifts.
My mom's not the only person I've been missing who makes guest appearances in my sleep. It's the people I haven't talked to in a while, the people I was close to... the people who faded like shadows into a bright clear day. To borrow a phrase from my brother from about 4 years ago, "I feel like I'm underwater with my pants on".
On what I guess is a lighter note... holy hell I found my livejournal! How's that for nostalgia? Plus... only people I can really trust would ever read this damn thing... so there :p.
More ramblings, rantings, ravings, and other things sure to follow... eventually.