Drifting
It's almost my birthday and I find myself wishing I had at least another 3 or 4 months. I would use them to do the thing I should've been doing for the last several years. Propping myself up and coming to terms with who I am. As it is I crumble in the face of hardship and sink to the depths of "distraught" whenever I lose something or someone in my life. (Even if I never had them... thus making them impossible to really lose)
I realized the "fallen" nature of my own state when the words "Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe it's not actually as bad as I think it is." Escaped my lips. Sadly, I meant it, and yet as I said it I knew that if anyone I care about had uttered that phrase I would have (and actually probably already have) pointed out the co-dependant constitution and 'broken-ness' inherent in that statement.
As it stands now, I have grown weary of trying to fit into the little boxes I somehow wedged myself in hoping that love and acceptance would flow my way while I became "loveable". I revoke my former wedging and replace it with as sign reading "as-is". If as is isn't good enough, so be it. My life does not need more people to examine my faults and lable me as "needs to try harder".
I have simultaniously grown weary of seeking out people who will not meet me at least half-way and do some seeking of their own. This is a time wasting endeavor that garners only sorrow and irritation. From now on, I will make a solid effort to, if my efforts to reach out are ignored, cease reaching. The loss of those who do not truly care the way they claim to is not a loss at all.
The transient nature of our existance is its own means.
Birthday Countdown Clock: 13 days
I realized the "fallen" nature of my own state when the words "Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe it's not actually as bad as I think it is." Escaped my lips. Sadly, I meant it, and yet as I said it I knew that if anyone I care about had uttered that phrase I would have (and actually probably already have) pointed out the co-dependant constitution and 'broken-ness' inherent in that statement.
As it stands now, I have grown weary of trying to fit into the little boxes I somehow wedged myself in hoping that love and acceptance would flow my way while I became "loveable". I revoke my former wedging and replace it with as sign reading "as-is". If as is isn't good enough, so be it. My life does not need more people to examine my faults and lable me as "needs to try harder".
I have simultaniously grown weary of seeking out people who will not meet me at least half-way and do some seeking of their own. This is a time wasting endeavor that garners only sorrow and irritation. From now on, I will make a solid effort to, if my efforts to reach out are ignored, cease reaching. The loss of those who do not truly care the way they claim to is not a loss at all.
The transient nature of our existance is its own means.
Birthday Countdown Clock: 13 days