Pants on Fire!
Author: tari_sue
Title: Pants on Fire
Rating: PG
Pairing/s: Merlin/Arthur (or Hermes/Apollo, but they are the same people, honest)
Character/s: Merlin, Arthur, Gwaine (or Hermes, Apollo, Dionysus, in that order)
Summary: In which Apollo has to drag Hermes away from the tavern
Warnings: silliness
Word Count: 669
Prompt: 'I think your pants look hot'
Author's Notes: this is a very silly third part of of a very silly story called In the Lap of a God. And I'm sorry, ok?
Hermes was spending entirely too much time with that scruffy drunken layabout Dionysus.
The sun rolled behind the clouds as Apollo watched, seething to see Dionysus’s hand come to rest on Hermes’s waist, entirely too close to that shapely little backside. Who did he think he was, coming in here, pawing at what was Apollo’s? Plying him with alcohol too - he must know Hermes was a lightweight!
Hermes’s suddenly gave a full body laugh at something Dionysus said, knocking his Caduceus staff (the one Apollo had given him!) on the floor in the process. He stood to retrieve it and his tunic rode up even higher as he bent over to pick it up, exposing that toned little bottom to all and sundry. He glanced over his shoulder as he straightened up, catching sight of Apollo and smirking as he adjusted his clothing. The effect was rather ruined when he drunkenly crashed into Dionysus as he reclaimed his seat.
Apollo stalked over to the pair, channelling the full majesty of his status as sun god to glower at them.
“So this is where you’ve been hiding? In the tavern yet again!” He turned and sneered at Hermes’s companion. Dionysus was completely blotto, as usual. “I’m sure you have more important things to be doing than wasting time with this lush.”
“Nope, I’ve done everything I had to do today.” Hermes giggled and hiccoughed, glancing up at Apollo through his eyelashes, which he proceeded to bat like he had something in his eye.
“Well, the Augean stables still need mucking out.”
“’m not actually your servant!” Hermes said with about as much indignation as he could muster, which was about as much as a kitten. “Get Heracles to do it, he loves doing pointless tasks to show off his muscles, he doesn’t even wear sleeves!”
“Ah, that Heracles is mighty fine though, don’t you think?” Dionysus chipped in, a drunken leer on his face as he no doubt pictured Heracles’s over-developed muscles and too-tallness. “Leave Hermes be, Princess. He’s just having a little drinky with me.” At this Dionysus looped an arm around Hermes and pulled him closer. “Why don’t you join us? Take that stick out of your arse and sit down? Leave room up your arse for other things then.”
“What did you just say?”
“He’s getting all macho and brooding now, I love it when he does that!” Hermes said to Dionysus in a very loud whisper.
“You know, other things,” Dionysus said, helpfully, waggling his eyebrows and nodding at Hermes. “If you fancy Hermes here, why not just tell him and shag him already?”
“I do not fancy Hermes!”
“Liar,” Dionysus practically sang at him.
“Liar, liar, pants on fire!” Hermes joined in.
“Hermes, you’re drunk. Come with me, I’m taking you home.”
“Ooh, promishes promishes.” Hermes attempted a drunken leer. he failed.
“Fine, if that’s how you want it.” Apollo advanced on an unresisting Hermes.
“What are you going to do, spank me?” If anything, Hermes looked rather… hopeful…
“Oh, I think that can definitely be arranged.” Apollo picked a giggling Hermes up and threw him over his shoulder, placing a firm smack on the pert little bottom that was now alarmingly close to his face. Hermes yelped and wiggled, the little wings on his sandals fluttering.
The next thing Apollo knew, there was a resounding smack to his own backside from the still giggling Hermes.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Apollo yelped, attempting to manoeuvre his rear away from Hermes’s hands.
“I think your pants look hot!” Hermes replied, still giggling. “I’m putting out the fire!” He proceeded to pound his hands on Apollo’s divine rump like he was playing the bongos. "Bop bop bop."
“Will you two get a room already?” Dionysus piped up, flicking his long hair over his shoulder. “Unless you’re planning on letting me join the fun?”
Apollo glared at him and left the tavern as quickly as possible, his prize still trying to play bongos on his bum.