INTROSPECTION.
i wrote this in response to mel's comment, but it turned into an entry in itself.
i've come down from the medication now (was still partly affected & a bit anxious when i wrote the message), but i think the lesson i need to take from it is that i need to take my own concerns more seriously.
shortly after writing all of that down, i went to the health center again because 40+ hours after having taken any pills, i was still feeling the side effects. during the check-up it turned out that i have fluid in my lungs and might have pneumonia.
i was actually coughing up liquid earlier this week, but i dismissed it as the last few symptoms of the virus that kept me in bed all of last weekend.
so i've been telling myself to suck it up and deal (and probably would've kept on doing so unless i'd been pushed to get help), and now it's turning out i need real medical attention. everyone at the health center has been much more attentive than last year, probably because this time i made clear that i was very concerned instead of playing it off with that sardonic self-detachment i'm so fond of. because i knew that i wasn't weak or failing for saying, i think i need help with this.
since last friday, i've had a fever, vomiting, sore throat, severe congestion, upset stomach, coughing up fluid, urinary tract infection, pinkeye, bad reaction to medication, and now, apparently, pneumonia or something else wrong with my lungs (fluid, low blood oxygen, shallow breaths...). and if it hadn't been for my body's apparent hypersensitivity to phenylephrine, i might never have sought proper medical attention--and even then i almost didn't until brian made me. following health center visits, it turns out that the phenylephrine made my heart race and my normally-low blood pressure go through the roof. it also kept me from sleep: i've slept a combined total of something like sixteen hours in the last four nights; it's two in the morning on the fifth night, and i am wide awake. i have no appetite (this isn't an exaggeration: none), and i've lost weight.
this is the second fall term that i've been sicker than i should be for longer than i have explanations for. the difference is that this time i'm taking care of myself--demanding medical attention, because i deserve it. because in trying so hard to be strong and getting through it on pure solitary determination, i've been making myself weaker. last time i never saw a real doctor, only nurses, and i ended up dropping one class, underachieving in two others, and not establishing any real friendships my first term in college because i was physically unable to do it all. this time i've made arrangements with deans and professors; i've had straight a's so far this term, and i'm not going to screw it up.
i don't trust that the college health center staff knows what it's doing, and neither do brian's parents (my mom would agree, and my dad would if i explained but might not conclude it on his own). i've still only been seen by a nurse and a physician's assistant, but i need an m.d., and i've been prescribed an antibiotic when they don't even know if whatever i have is viral or bacterial. it's the weekend and the clinic at the dartmouth-hitchcock medical center won't see me until monday. i'm a little nervous about what they'll find, because i've no idea how serious all this is. but i feel safer, and i don't feel guilty.
i've come down from the medication now (was still partly affected & a bit anxious when i wrote the message), but i think the lesson i need to take from it is that i need to take my own concerns more seriously.
shortly after writing all of that down, i went to the health center again because 40+ hours after having taken any pills, i was still feeling the side effects. during the check-up it turned out that i have fluid in my lungs and might have pneumonia.
i was actually coughing up liquid earlier this week, but i dismissed it as the last few symptoms of the virus that kept me in bed all of last weekend.
so i've been telling myself to suck it up and deal (and probably would've kept on doing so unless i'd been pushed to get help), and now it's turning out i need real medical attention. everyone at the health center has been much more attentive than last year, probably because this time i made clear that i was very concerned instead of playing it off with that sardonic self-detachment i'm so fond of. because i knew that i wasn't weak or failing for saying, i think i need help with this.
since last friday, i've had a fever, vomiting, sore throat, severe congestion, upset stomach, coughing up fluid, urinary tract infection, pinkeye, bad reaction to medication, and now, apparently, pneumonia or something else wrong with my lungs (fluid, low blood oxygen, shallow breaths...). and if it hadn't been for my body's apparent hypersensitivity to phenylephrine, i might never have sought proper medical attention--and even then i almost didn't until brian made me. following health center visits, it turns out that the phenylephrine made my heart race and my normally-low blood pressure go through the roof. it also kept me from sleep: i've slept a combined total of something like sixteen hours in the last four nights; it's two in the morning on the fifth night, and i am wide awake. i have no appetite (this isn't an exaggeration: none), and i've lost weight.
this is the second fall term that i've been sicker than i should be for longer than i have explanations for. the difference is that this time i'm taking care of myself--demanding medical attention, because i deserve it. because in trying so hard to be strong and getting through it on pure solitary determination, i've been making myself weaker. last time i never saw a real doctor, only nurses, and i ended up dropping one class, underachieving in two others, and not establishing any real friendships my first term in college because i was physically unable to do it all. this time i've made arrangements with deans and professors; i've had straight a's so far this term, and i'm not going to screw it up.
i don't trust that the college health center staff knows what it's doing, and neither do brian's parents (my mom would agree, and my dad would if i explained but might not conclude it on his own). i've still only been seen by a nurse and a physician's assistant, but i need an m.d., and i've been prescribed an antibiotic when they don't even know if whatever i have is viral or bacterial. it's the weekend and the clinic at the dartmouth-hitchcock medical center won't see me until monday. i'm a little nervous about what they'll find, because i've no idea how serious all this is. but i feel safer, and i don't feel guilty.