There is something worse.
I thought no sleep was better than having nightmares bombard me the entire night.
I was wrong.
Apparently, my conscious mind is much more sinister than my subconscious. Instead of being left scared and trembling I'm left seething and wanting to strangle someone for something they don't even know they're doing.
Yes, I'm talking about Craig. Yes, I know I have the most roller-fucking-coaster feelings about that man. I still don't know what to think. There are days when I honestly feel like I can fall in love with him. Seriously. He makes me that happy. Then there are days I want him to die. He has to be one of the most perceptive, yet ignorant people on this planet. How can someone know something is wrong every time I'm in a bad mood and not be able to tell why? It sort of renders his sixth sense useless, you know.
One of these days I'd just like to grab him and shake some sense into him. "Of course it's about you, moron!" I want to say. I do so many things for him and yet I'm left in the dust. There is no point of me coming over early because he's too preoccupied in his own doings. Yes, he looks at me once in a while and says hi. Yes, he sneaks kisses in sometimes. But am I ever the focus? No. I feel like half the time I come over I'm just a couch aesthetic. I sit there, look pretty (on days I care to), get up, then go to sleep. I rarely come over before 8 nowadays because I don't do much except watch him alternate between his computer, his phone, his computer, his phone, maybe a show on Netflix, his phone, and oh yeah-his phone.
I get heated every time I see this girl named Allison's name pop up on his screen because he quickly texts a reply and shuts off the screen. Who the fuck is she and why is he constantly talking to her? I guess I'm so annoyed because I don't understand how people can carry on conversations through texts. It's such a hassle to me. It also doesn't help that I've seen some shady shit on his phone that I can't shake off. "You like that I suck like a hoover"? "Nothing is better than your dick and tongue"? Someone else calling him baby?! What in the flying fuck?! I'm getting so fucking mad just thinking about it.
Of course I could be a complete bitch and sleep with someone else to prove a point. But what point am I even proving? There is no point. I just want to hurt him and show him that I could be sneaky too. But no. I'm not like that. I never was and I never will be. Even if I had the permission to. I couldn't do it. I know for a fact I couldn't do it because the opportunity came up once before. I asked Vinnie if I could sleep with someone else. One fucking stupid ass drunk question. He said okay, as long as he got to do the same. So we had consent from each other to cheat. I never pulled through. I didn't even have someone to sleep with! I don't know what the hell I was thinking. But you know what? He did it. He slept with someone else. He did it and then lied. So there I was, left alone, hurt, and angry because he made the mistake I couldn't.
But this doesn't explain a damn thing. Why am I so mad? Why am I SO fucking distrusting of men? It went downhill ever since I dated Cody. That dumb ass. I poured my heart and soul into making him happy and didn't realize how much he was using me to further his own ego. Then we had Brad. Of course, the sweet, kind, funny, and caring little douche of a deceptive fucktart. Pulled the rug right under me he did. Good one, Brad. Last but not least, we had Dusty. Ever so the womanizer. He was just a mistake. God, the boy wasn't even remotely pleasant to share a bed with. Not to mention he fucked some UCM skank (no really, she was at the dorms for 3 days and slept with 4 guys) and was publicly called out for it like a week later? Classy, Dusty. Classy.
I decided it was time to stop putting myself out there and wait for a real man to come along. Maybe it would be worth it. I got Craig. Confusing, OCD, frustrating, Craig. Fate must have thought it was playing a real funny joke on me when it gave me everything that I don't want in a man. Someone married. Someone who wants nothing more to do with this place than I do. Someone so eager to leave this place and leave me. Someone so selfish.
He is selfish. He really is. At least he appreciates me when I'm blatantly putting myself out there for him. But I don't think he notices the small things I do for him. The fact I always bring him things to cheer him up... I always bring him things even when he's not in a bad mood, just so I can make him happy. I tag along with things that he wants to do so that he could do things on his own agenda. I sacrifice my friends because he never wants to hang out in groups for fear of... whatever, or because he doesn't like someone that I know. It's tiring. It's annoying. It's frustrating. I feel bad about leaving him behind when I do things on my own... but why? Why should I feel bad? He does his own shit the majority of the time anyways.
But I feel like if one of us doesn't sacrifice our time, we would never fucking see each other. Maybe that's what we need. I just need to seriously, seriously just focus on myself instead of appeasing him, because it's really wearing me down. His constant grumpiness. His pessimistic nature. I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells around him. One wrong answer and we're done for the night. It shouldn't be that way. I'm a happy ass person and if you treat me right I will treat you just as well. It's that simple.
And yet, his spoiled self doesn't get it. It's so. Damn. Annoying. Because as soon as I get the guts to leave and move on he does something to indicate that he actually...cares? The thought of me going back and forth like a fucking yo-yo is enough to make me want to go in there right now (it's almost 3 in the fucking morning and I'm still awake, ranting!) and slap some sense into him. I want scream "Stop hurting me, asshole! Appreciate me, damn you!" Perhaps that is asking too much of him. I need a break. It's time to go.
I was wrong.
Apparently, my conscious mind is much more sinister than my subconscious. Instead of being left scared and trembling I'm left seething and wanting to strangle someone for something they don't even know they're doing.
Yes, I'm talking about Craig. Yes, I know I have the most roller-fucking-coaster feelings about that man. I still don't know what to think. There are days when I honestly feel like I can fall in love with him. Seriously. He makes me that happy. Then there are days I want him to die. He has to be one of the most perceptive, yet ignorant people on this planet. How can someone know something is wrong every time I'm in a bad mood and not be able to tell why? It sort of renders his sixth sense useless, you know.
One of these days I'd just like to grab him and shake some sense into him. "Of course it's about you, moron!" I want to say. I do so many things for him and yet I'm left in the dust. There is no point of me coming over early because he's too preoccupied in his own doings. Yes, he looks at me once in a while and says hi. Yes, he sneaks kisses in sometimes. But am I ever the focus? No. I feel like half the time I come over I'm just a couch aesthetic. I sit there, look pretty (on days I care to), get up, then go to sleep. I rarely come over before 8 nowadays because I don't do much except watch him alternate between his computer, his phone, his computer, his phone, maybe a show on Netflix, his phone, and oh yeah-his phone.
I get heated every time I see this girl named Allison's name pop up on his screen because he quickly texts a reply and shuts off the screen. Who the fuck is she and why is he constantly talking to her? I guess I'm so annoyed because I don't understand how people can carry on conversations through texts. It's such a hassle to me. It also doesn't help that I've seen some shady shit on his phone that I can't shake off. "You like that I suck like a hoover"? "Nothing is better than your dick and tongue"? Someone else calling him baby?! What in the flying fuck?! I'm getting so fucking mad just thinking about it.
Of course I could be a complete bitch and sleep with someone else to prove a point. But what point am I even proving? There is no point. I just want to hurt him and show him that I could be sneaky too. But no. I'm not like that. I never was and I never will be. Even if I had the permission to. I couldn't do it. I know for a fact I couldn't do it because the opportunity came up once before. I asked Vinnie if I could sleep with someone else. One fucking stupid ass drunk question. He said okay, as long as he got to do the same. So we had consent from each other to cheat. I never pulled through. I didn't even have someone to sleep with! I don't know what the hell I was thinking. But you know what? He did it. He slept with someone else. He did it and then lied. So there I was, left alone, hurt, and angry because he made the mistake I couldn't.
But this doesn't explain a damn thing. Why am I so mad? Why am I SO fucking distrusting of men? It went downhill ever since I dated Cody. That dumb ass. I poured my heart and soul into making him happy and didn't realize how much he was using me to further his own ego. Then we had Brad. Of course, the sweet, kind, funny, and caring little douche of a deceptive fucktart. Pulled the rug right under me he did. Good one, Brad. Last but not least, we had Dusty. Ever so the womanizer. He was just a mistake. God, the boy wasn't even remotely pleasant to share a bed with. Not to mention he fucked some UCM skank (no really, she was at the dorms for 3 days and slept with 4 guys) and was publicly called out for it like a week later? Classy, Dusty. Classy.
I decided it was time to stop putting myself out there and wait for a real man to come along. Maybe it would be worth it. I got Craig. Confusing, OCD, frustrating, Craig. Fate must have thought it was playing a real funny joke on me when it gave me everything that I don't want in a man. Someone married. Someone who wants nothing more to do with this place than I do. Someone so eager to leave this place and leave me. Someone so selfish.
He is selfish. He really is. At least he appreciates me when I'm blatantly putting myself out there for him. But I don't think he notices the small things I do for him. The fact I always bring him things to cheer him up... I always bring him things even when he's not in a bad mood, just so I can make him happy. I tag along with things that he wants to do so that he could do things on his own agenda. I sacrifice my friends because he never wants to hang out in groups for fear of... whatever, or because he doesn't like someone that I know. It's tiring. It's annoying. It's frustrating. I feel bad about leaving him behind when I do things on my own... but why? Why should I feel bad? He does his own shit the majority of the time anyways.
But I feel like if one of us doesn't sacrifice our time, we would never fucking see each other. Maybe that's what we need. I just need to seriously, seriously just focus on myself instead of appeasing him, because it's really wearing me down. His constant grumpiness. His pessimistic nature. I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells around him. One wrong answer and we're done for the night. It shouldn't be that way. I'm a happy ass person and if you treat me right I will treat you just as well. It's that simple.
And yet, his spoiled self doesn't get it. It's so. Damn. Annoying. Because as soon as I get the guts to leave and move on he does something to indicate that he actually...cares? The thought of me going back and forth like a fucking yo-yo is enough to make me want to go in there right now (it's almost 3 in the fucking morning and I'm still awake, ranting!) and slap some sense into him. I want scream "Stop hurting me, asshole! Appreciate me, damn you!" Perhaps that is asking too much of him. I need a break. It's time to go.