Drowning +WARNING+ Long Personal Un-cut Post
As most if not all of you know, I was very very ill this summer starting in May. This isn't the first time I've ever been on the brink of death but this I garuntee is the closest I've ever been.
Breif synop, I had a hernia which in turn looped itself over my bile tube from my live thus strangling it and causing it to become dead.
In order to address the problem the surgeons had to cut a very large (roughly volleybal size) hole in the middle of my stomach.
I was in a medicaly induced coma for 7 weeks. After I woke up from the coma, I still had a huge hole in my middle, taped over with what they call a woundvac which is what it sounds like, a vaccum that is over a wound in which allows it to suck out any blood, poisons, liquids etc and also bring the wound to a close. To keep me from being in pain I was given the strongest dose of Dilaudid via IV injection.
After so long in the hospital/rehab/hospital I finally was able to go home and was sent with oral liquid morphine like really strong stuff and my mum administered me 1 gram every four hours to keep me out of pain. As time went on she slowly weaned me away from the morphine to avoid addiction and at the end changed me over to 10mg oxycodone tablets. I would take one every 3 hours then so on and so on. She finally had me down to two 5mgs a day, then she took ill and put me in charge of the medicine.
I like a idiot took 4 AT ONE TIME so I could function better and not have any down time. Then it grew worse, I started taking 8 a day all at once. After I ran out of the oxycodone I changed to a medicine my mother had for her back last year which was still good, Tramadol.
I took 8 everyday and slowy brought myself down to 4, then my mother got wise and stowed away the pills only giving me two a day which I was alright on. Then there were no more tramadol...my doctor had called in another bottle of oxycodone by then but my mother refused to get them seeing as I was addicted to pain meds and was trying to cut me cold turkey....boy did that not turn out great.
Yesterday I overdosed on muscle relaxers I had found in my mother's medicine cabinent in order to sleep without pain.
Every week I have a visiting nurse stop by twice a day, in my stupor of overdose she thought I was just ill, then I pointed out the bottle of pills to my mother by slowly crawling my way down the hall to where she was then all I remember is her screaming, the nurse screaming and being lifted onto a hard surface. I woke up in the local emergency room with an IV in my hand and nurses and doctors surrounding me.
It was a nightmare. I tried to leave the room on my own but was shoved back onto the bed by nurses around me.
After laying in the fetal position and crying I fell asleep and woke back up at home with a bandage over my hand where the IV had been and my mother over me handing me a few oxycodone. I of course was confused but she explained that my doctor had told me to resume taking the pain medicine and to slowly cut down my doses, I currently take 4 5mg a day but am still shaking like a mad woman, full of evergy bursts (which I tried to remedy by power excercise on the treadmill we have)
I'm in a dark pit I dug myself into and I don't know what to do....
I keep curling up and crying, wanting to tear off my own face....
I just don't know what to do....
I don't want to be in a rehab for Christmas.........
Breif synop, I had a hernia which in turn looped itself over my bile tube from my live thus strangling it and causing it to become dead.
In order to address the problem the surgeons had to cut a very large (roughly volleybal size) hole in the middle of my stomach.
I was in a medicaly induced coma for 7 weeks. After I woke up from the coma, I still had a huge hole in my middle, taped over with what they call a woundvac which is what it sounds like, a vaccum that is over a wound in which allows it to suck out any blood, poisons, liquids etc and also bring the wound to a close. To keep me from being in pain I was given the strongest dose of Dilaudid via IV injection.
After so long in the hospital/rehab/hospital I finally was able to go home and was sent with oral liquid morphine like really strong stuff and my mum administered me 1 gram every four hours to keep me out of pain. As time went on she slowly weaned me away from the morphine to avoid addiction and at the end changed me over to 10mg oxycodone tablets. I would take one every 3 hours then so on and so on. She finally had me down to two 5mgs a day, then she took ill and put me in charge of the medicine.
I like a idiot took 4 AT ONE TIME so I could function better and not have any down time. Then it grew worse, I started taking 8 a day all at once. After I ran out of the oxycodone I changed to a medicine my mother had for her back last year which was still good, Tramadol.
I took 8 everyday and slowy brought myself down to 4, then my mother got wise and stowed away the pills only giving me two a day which I was alright on. Then there were no more tramadol...my doctor had called in another bottle of oxycodone by then but my mother refused to get them seeing as I was addicted to pain meds and was trying to cut me cold turkey....boy did that not turn out great.
Yesterday I overdosed on muscle relaxers I had found in my mother's medicine cabinent in order to sleep without pain.
Every week I have a visiting nurse stop by twice a day, in my stupor of overdose she thought I was just ill, then I pointed out the bottle of pills to my mother by slowly crawling my way down the hall to where she was then all I remember is her screaming, the nurse screaming and being lifted onto a hard surface. I woke up in the local emergency room with an IV in my hand and nurses and doctors surrounding me.
It was a nightmare. I tried to leave the room on my own but was shoved back onto the bed by nurses around me.
After laying in the fetal position and crying I fell asleep and woke back up at home with a bandage over my hand where the IV had been and my mother over me handing me a few oxycodone. I of course was confused but she explained that my doctor had told me to resume taking the pain medicine and to slowly cut down my doses, I currently take 4 5mg a day but am still shaking like a mad woman, full of evergy bursts (which I tried to remedy by power excercise on the treadmill we have)
I'm in a dark pit I dug myself into and I don't know what to do....
I keep curling up and crying, wanting to tear off my own face....
I just don't know what to do....
I don't want to be in a rehab for Christmas.........