some "stuff"
okay guys so like i said iv'e been writing alot lately so here is my "stuff" keep in mind the dates on which they were written. i know it's a lot to read but in my opinion it's good stuff! *nods head* yup yup. more to come.
originally written: 08-19-04 11:21
have you ever noticed how when you see someone who is happy you want what they have? it's not necessarily wanting what you can't have it's wanting what you can't have, yet. I mean visiting my aunt and uncle today I see just how amazingly happy they are together after all these years and I want that. up until today I wanted to a drifter. loved but alone. but now I have to re-think everything I’ve ever known. growing up with divorced parents taught me that no one can be truly happy with the same person forever but a day with them in their cozy little retirement home worrying about things like the lawn and timer on the coffee pot I see now that it is possible and it's something I want. I want to be happy forever. I still want to see the world but there is plenty of time for that. who says I have to see the whole world tomorrow? no one that's who. I control who I am and what I want, for the most part, and I want happiness. I want to find that person who will make me happy for the rest of my life and I want to be happy. again I must say I don't need to find him tomorrow or today or figure out if it was that I guy I knew who broke my heart. if it is meant to be it will be. and this new outlook I have on my life is uplifting to say the least. almost spiritual which is ironic because I’m now in a room filled with every version of the bible known to man. maybe that's the key to their happiness. maybe it's not just finding the one who makes you happy but finding the ONE who makes you whole. maybe that's what I need. maybe I don't need a boy, maybe I need a higher power. something I can hold on to. something that won’t leave me or break my heart. now here is where I face my problem. I know where to find a boy, the mall, a bar, school, stage crew, but where do find a higher power? it's not like you can walk down the street and find god, whoever he or she is, sitting on the street corner, or find the meaning of life fallen into a gutter. or can you? if someone passes you on the street and just by seeing him or her you have a feeling of happiness or a feeling of completion is that "god"? isn't that what god is supposed to be? something that makes your life whole. something that makes you complete? and why can't you find the meaning of life in a gutter? say you're walking down the street and you see a slip of paper in the gutter. being a good citizen you pick it up and head towards the nearest dumpster. you see that the paper is a flyer for a missing black and white spotted kitten lost by a little girl named Anne. when you get home you find a black and white kitten near your house and the kitten is instantly drawn to you. you see that she has a collar and you read the name on it. the kitten belongs to the little girl from the flyer. after calling from the number on her tags you return the kitten to a bad neighborhood. you see that this kitten is the only ray of hope this little girl, living in poverty with her single mother who is trying to make ends meet, has and you just can't stand that. this experience has lead you to a new meaning in your life. you now devote time to helping this little girl and her mom by being a bit of a 'big sister' now this story may seem a bit far-fetched but it could happen. things like that happen all the time. things, simply the opposite, happen all the time too. whether it's because people aren’t caring about our planet and picking up found litter or people aren’t nice enough to care about a lost kitten or a helpless little girl. who are you? are the person who finds meaning in life by being a good person or are you person who walks around with blinders on to the world outside of yourself and doesn't notice that there is a sad, sad world going on around you and you can do your part to help and share your love but you just don't care? and if you are that second person and you know you are like that why don't you change? change is a lot to ask. look at me. I know my faults. I’m distant, not trusting, afraid of loss and making a commitment, afraid of getting hurt but not afraid to hurt myself and yet do I do anything to change them? no I don't. do people offer to help me change my foolish ways? a few have offered. only people who truly loved me. only people I pushed away. and to all of you, who ever you may be this is my apology. I can not stand myself for the way I treat people. I am that second person. the person who looks away from everything important in her life. I am the one who runs away, takes the easy way out, from the only person who really loved her. and what do I have to show for it? nothing, absolutely nothing. and you know why that is? it's because though I ask for the world I give nothing in return. so at times I’m high on everything I have until the people who love me realize that I suck at being there for other people. that I know no one but myself and they yank that world right out from under me. so this is me falling. this is me losing the world from right under my feet. this is me trying to catch myself. change myself. become who I should be. become someone who isn't a scared little girl. and this me not doing this for you but for me. I’m not changing for you. I’m changing for me. I’m changing because you shook me back into reality. you showed me that I can't be this little girl anymore. that it's time for me to grow up. so this is me doing this for me but because of you. and for that I thank you. you have no idea how much I will always thank you for hurting me. it sounds silly but it's what I needed. it's what I needed to understand just how horrible I’d become and I appreciate it with all my heart. and maybe now is not the best time to say this but I’ll always be here for you. if you ever change your mind you mean so much to me that I would drop everything for you. and I know that you don't want me anymore and me telling you all this, this way, is me making a fool of myself in a public forum but it's what I needed to say. it's what I needed to do. whether or not it changes anything. I love you and I always will. and I thank you for showing me who I really am. so this me, loved and alone but working my way out of the hole I dug for myself.
originally written: 08-20-04 11:40
so maybe I’m reading into this new found me thing. I mean after seeing my cousins today and seeing how happy they are together I still really want that but I mean is it worth giving up everything for? is it worth sacrificing who I am. who I’ve always been? I mean change is good and especially when it makes myself and other happy and it's change for the good but it's like a drug. no matter how much good it causes it always has side effects. it's just a matter of how much the side effects will interfere with your life. if the bad out weighs the good then is it still worth it. even if the good is really good? and on another note no is my new least favorite word. no one has ever said no to me. which is probably the fault of my parents and me being an only child but I’ve been hearing "no" a lot lately and I don't like it. I thoroughly enjoy getting my way. doesn't everyone? I hate the word no. I hate hearing it and I hate having it even been an option. things should always be yes. so the movie Bruce almighty taught us that you can't just answer yes to every question but you know what I mean right? that things should always go my way. I should never get hurt, I should never feel pain, I should never have to cry or break down. isn't that what we all want that though? eternal bliss? would it get boring? would we yurn for that pain? would be want to cry and break down? and why? why would anyone want that? and once we had it back would we return to wanting bliss? wanting happiness? and why, why do we always want what we can't have? I know it's human nature but if there is a god why would he make us like this? why would he give us one thing but also give us the ability to want? I understand wanting more out of life but there are plenty of people who have nothing and are quite happy. that's what I want. I want nothing and yet happiness. I want what they sing about in country love songs. to have nothing but the person I love and all of the happiness in the world. why is that so hard? and why has only a small population of the world got it when there are so many people who have searched for it forever and haven't yet found it? and what causes these people to search forever, to continue to look for something that they feel they'll never find but continue to search for none the less? how do they live a life like that? I could never live like that. I could never search for eternal bliss forever. after a while it's no longer worth it. but how do you know where that line is. when is it no longer worth it and when are you just giving up? and who monitors that, is it different for everyone, is it your own call or is it one of those things where everyone knows when it is? and why is all of this confusing? why doesn't life come with a manual, more importantly why doesn't love come with a manual. there is a manual for everything else in the world, they even make "breast cancer for dummies" but why not, 'life for idiots' or 'love for morons' or something like that? who would write it though, who is the expert on life and love, I would hope someone in love, someone that's happy. I recommend not taking any advice you see here to heart. don't take things spoken by a sad and broken child to heart. it's like don't take real-estate advice from a homeless person. I don't even know what it is I’m talking about anymore. the ramblings of broken doll are hard to take and I’m sorry to all of you for wasting your time. for making you read this and then get to here where I explain that it's all smoke and mirrors. that I didn't write this to make you think about how you're living your life but to help me. to get you to give me the true answers to my questions. to help me. to pick me up in my time of need and give me water to drink and bread to eat. to give me bandages to stop the bleeding from my wrists and neck. help me to see the way I need to go and give me a horse to help me get there. if this doesn't show you how self centered I am then nothing will. if you this causes you to question anything, question why you are my friend. why you waste your time on me. why you take the time to care about me when I don't show you the same courtesy. question that.
originally written: 08-19-04 11:21
have you ever noticed how when you see someone who is happy you want what they have? it's not necessarily wanting what you can't have it's wanting what you can't have, yet. I mean visiting my aunt and uncle today I see just how amazingly happy they are together after all these years and I want that. up until today I wanted to a drifter. loved but alone. but now I have to re-think everything I’ve ever known. growing up with divorced parents taught me that no one can be truly happy with the same person forever but a day with them in their cozy little retirement home worrying about things like the lawn and timer on the coffee pot I see now that it is possible and it's something I want. I want to be happy forever. I still want to see the world but there is plenty of time for that. who says I have to see the whole world tomorrow? no one that's who. I control who I am and what I want, for the most part, and I want happiness. I want to find that person who will make me happy for the rest of my life and I want to be happy. again I must say I don't need to find him tomorrow or today or figure out if it was that I guy I knew who broke my heart. if it is meant to be it will be. and this new outlook I have on my life is uplifting to say the least. almost spiritual which is ironic because I’m now in a room filled with every version of the bible known to man. maybe that's the key to their happiness. maybe it's not just finding the one who makes you happy but finding the ONE who makes you whole. maybe that's what I need. maybe I don't need a boy, maybe I need a higher power. something I can hold on to. something that won’t leave me or break my heart. now here is where I face my problem. I know where to find a boy, the mall, a bar, school, stage crew, but where do find a higher power? it's not like you can walk down the street and find god, whoever he or she is, sitting on the street corner, or find the meaning of life fallen into a gutter. or can you? if someone passes you on the street and just by seeing him or her you have a feeling of happiness or a feeling of completion is that "god"? isn't that what god is supposed to be? something that makes your life whole. something that makes you complete? and why can't you find the meaning of life in a gutter? say you're walking down the street and you see a slip of paper in the gutter. being a good citizen you pick it up and head towards the nearest dumpster. you see that the paper is a flyer for a missing black and white spotted kitten lost by a little girl named Anne. when you get home you find a black and white kitten near your house and the kitten is instantly drawn to you. you see that she has a collar and you read the name on it. the kitten belongs to the little girl from the flyer. after calling from the number on her tags you return the kitten to a bad neighborhood. you see that this kitten is the only ray of hope this little girl, living in poverty with her single mother who is trying to make ends meet, has and you just can't stand that. this experience has lead you to a new meaning in your life. you now devote time to helping this little girl and her mom by being a bit of a 'big sister' now this story may seem a bit far-fetched but it could happen. things like that happen all the time. things, simply the opposite, happen all the time too. whether it's because people aren’t caring about our planet and picking up found litter or people aren’t nice enough to care about a lost kitten or a helpless little girl. who are you? are the person who finds meaning in life by being a good person or are you person who walks around with blinders on to the world outside of yourself and doesn't notice that there is a sad, sad world going on around you and you can do your part to help and share your love but you just don't care? and if you are that second person and you know you are like that why don't you change? change is a lot to ask. look at me. I know my faults. I’m distant, not trusting, afraid of loss and making a commitment, afraid of getting hurt but not afraid to hurt myself and yet do I do anything to change them? no I don't. do people offer to help me change my foolish ways? a few have offered. only people who truly loved me. only people I pushed away. and to all of you, who ever you may be this is my apology. I can not stand myself for the way I treat people. I am that second person. the person who looks away from everything important in her life. I am the one who runs away, takes the easy way out, from the only person who really loved her. and what do I have to show for it? nothing, absolutely nothing. and you know why that is? it's because though I ask for the world I give nothing in return. so at times I’m high on everything I have until the people who love me realize that I suck at being there for other people. that I know no one but myself and they yank that world right out from under me. so this is me falling. this is me losing the world from right under my feet. this is me trying to catch myself. change myself. become who I should be. become someone who isn't a scared little girl. and this me not doing this for you but for me. I’m not changing for you. I’m changing for me. I’m changing because you shook me back into reality. you showed me that I can't be this little girl anymore. that it's time for me to grow up. so this is me doing this for me but because of you. and for that I thank you. you have no idea how much I will always thank you for hurting me. it sounds silly but it's what I needed. it's what I needed to understand just how horrible I’d become and I appreciate it with all my heart. and maybe now is not the best time to say this but I’ll always be here for you. if you ever change your mind you mean so much to me that I would drop everything for you. and I know that you don't want me anymore and me telling you all this, this way, is me making a fool of myself in a public forum but it's what I needed to say. it's what I needed to do. whether or not it changes anything. I love you and I always will. and I thank you for showing me who I really am. so this me, loved and alone but working my way out of the hole I dug for myself.
originally written: 08-20-04 11:40
so maybe I’m reading into this new found me thing. I mean after seeing my cousins today and seeing how happy they are together I still really want that but I mean is it worth giving up everything for? is it worth sacrificing who I am. who I’ve always been? I mean change is good and especially when it makes myself and other happy and it's change for the good but it's like a drug. no matter how much good it causes it always has side effects. it's just a matter of how much the side effects will interfere with your life. if the bad out weighs the good then is it still worth it. even if the good is really good? and on another note no is my new least favorite word. no one has ever said no to me. which is probably the fault of my parents and me being an only child but I’ve been hearing "no" a lot lately and I don't like it. I thoroughly enjoy getting my way. doesn't everyone? I hate the word no. I hate hearing it and I hate having it even been an option. things should always be yes. so the movie Bruce almighty taught us that you can't just answer yes to every question but you know what I mean right? that things should always go my way. I should never get hurt, I should never feel pain, I should never have to cry or break down. isn't that what we all want that though? eternal bliss? would it get boring? would we yurn for that pain? would be want to cry and break down? and why? why would anyone want that? and once we had it back would we return to wanting bliss? wanting happiness? and why, why do we always want what we can't have? I know it's human nature but if there is a god why would he make us like this? why would he give us one thing but also give us the ability to want? I understand wanting more out of life but there are plenty of people who have nothing and are quite happy. that's what I want. I want nothing and yet happiness. I want what they sing about in country love songs. to have nothing but the person I love and all of the happiness in the world. why is that so hard? and why has only a small population of the world got it when there are so many people who have searched for it forever and haven't yet found it? and what causes these people to search forever, to continue to look for something that they feel they'll never find but continue to search for none the less? how do they live a life like that? I could never live like that. I could never search for eternal bliss forever. after a while it's no longer worth it. but how do you know where that line is. when is it no longer worth it and when are you just giving up? and who monitors that, is it different for everyone, is it your own call or is it one of those things where everyone knows when it is? and why is all of this confusing? why doesn't life come with a manual, more importantly why doesn't love come with a manual. there is a manual for everything else in the world, they even make "breast cancer for dummies" but why not, 'life for idiots' or 'love for morons' or something like that? who would write it though, who is the expert on life and love, I would hope someone in love, someone that's happy. I recommend not taking any advice you see here to heart. don't take things spoken by a sad and broken child to heart. it's like don't take real-estate advice from a homeless person. I don't even know what it is I’m talking about anymore. the ramblings of broken doll are hard to take and I’m sorry to all of you for wasting your time. for making you read this and then get to here where I explain that it's all smoke and mirrors. that I didn't write this to make you think about how you're living your life but to help me. to get you to give me the true answers to my questions. to help me. to pick me up in my time of need and give me water to drink and bread to eat. to give me bandages to stop the bleeding from my wrists and neck. help me to see the way I need to go and give me a horse to help me get there. if this doesn't show you how self centered I am then nothing will. if you this causes you to question anything, question why you are my friend. why you waste your time on me. why you take the time to care about me when I don't show you the same courtesy. question that.