(no subject)
My chemo port gets put in on the 11th of July. I'm kind of ok with it, in that I'll be glad to have it in and over with. I'm kind of terrified, since it means that chemo is going to start. It's so easy to pretend that I don't have cancer when nothing is being done about it, but once chemo starts, it's not going to be that simple anymore. I have endometrial adenocarcinoma, stage IIIa, Grade 2, and the cells are showing increased mitotic activity which means basically that they are multiplying faster than they had been at some point before. I have cancer. I have cancer. I have cancer. Why doesn't it seem real to me? It's like watching a movie about someone with cancer and feeling glad that I'm not the one going through it then suddenly my brain slams on the brakes and reminds me that in fact, I am the one going through it. I don't want to sit in an infusion room for 4 hours and then go home and get sick and turn around 3 weeks later and do it all over again. Why didn't they listen to me YEARS ago when I told them I had cancer in there? Because they kept telling me I was too young for that type of cancer. Well, surprise, surprise. Looks like they just might have been a little bit wrong. I don't mean to sound bitter or angry or depressed because right now at this minute I'm not any of those things. But the moments come and when they come, they're downright awful. However, I have to pat myself on the back and admit that I am dealing with it in a much more mature fashion than I ever thought I could...I'm seeing the risks and the reality of it and I'm accepting it and preparing for battle, when I always secretly thought that if I ever had cancer I'd just give up and die. Something there is inside me that wants to stay alive a little longer.