I Am A Horrible Person
I really am and it is seriously making me depressed. I can't help how I feel but sometimes I wish I just wasn't able to feel anything! Life would just be so much easier! Ok so here is my situation. My best friend is dating my ex. I'm not jealous of the fact that she is dating him per say, but more of the face that she has a lover. I am completely 100% percent over him. Mostly because he is a him..but that is besides the point. I just want someone that cares about me like that, ya know? Someone to call when I'm sad to cheer me up or laugh for no reason with. That used to be my best friend but it seems like every time I try to talk to her, she always goes on and on about him. It's kinda of VERY annoying. I know I should be happy and stuff, and I was, the first month! Now it's ALL she ever talks about and I feel like I am losing her. I feel bad for thinking about her that way because I know it isn't true, but I can't stop! And now to make it all worse, I am leading on this guy who I know likes me, and obviously doesn't know about my sexual preference, but then again no one knows that except for the wonderful people of LJ. Really, no one knows. Ugh. And so I am leading him on because I like knowing someone cares about me. And I feel bad because I honestly get a little grossed out when he would look at me. Like he isn't a bad looking guy, but he is a guy and just ugh.. And it's not like I could ever tell the person I like that I like them because, well she has a boyfriend and that would involve me dealing with reality and I don't think I could handle that right now. So whenever I am alone I start to cry because everything is just falling apart. And then I get angry at myself for crying because it is such a stupid reason! I have his friend who has been heart broken for over a year and I used to wonder how she let herself feel that way for so long. But now I know it's not like she chose it. She can't help who she loves. And neither can I. I'm just hoping for any ounce of happiness to enter my life. Please? Just a smidge? A drop? At least summer is coming. But it's not like I'll have anyone to spend it with..
~L
~L