...
I can't even think up a title for this post, it's been that long since I last logged on. I have a ton of things to write about, so I'm going to make a condensed list and shoot to post something every few days until I'm all caught up.
- I'm So Sorry: Camp Pendleton Mud Run 2008
- Is That My Foot?: My Trip To The Big Apple
- And as a special side story - Shoot Yourself In The Head: Scientology and Me
- James Marsters Raped My Soul: And Other Assorted Con Stories
- Confuzzled II: My Continuing Quest To Figuring Out What The HelFl Is Going On
- A Run In With Civic Duty
And for today...
Again.
So, I need to gush somewhere. I've tried various friends, and with the exception of chaoticflower no one is biting. I'm not offended as I understand why, I tend to get overly excited far too quickly when a new boy enters the picture. But, as even E noticed, this one feels different.
A few weeks ago my co-worker C sent me an email asking me to pop by her desk when I had a minute. Since she assured me it was fun (and not work) related I headed right over. As soon as I perched on her desk she asked the dreaded question, "So, are you dating anyone? I mean, you're single, right?"
Dun dun dun dunnnnn....
Apparently C had had an epiphany about one of her friends from college and had decided he and I would be adorable together. Now, as someone who is not a fan of dating the idea of a blind date with a friend of a friend freaked me out from the word go. But I let her tell me a little about him and in the end agreed to meet him. As he currently lives in San Diego she arranged for the three of us to have lunch after we finished the Mud Run. I figured as blind dates went it was tolerable being that C would be there to chaperon, it was just lunch, and he would have no clue she was trying to set us up (that special knowledge was saved just for me, joy).
As we slowly crawled closer to the Mud Run C got more and more excited as her conviction that we were perfect for each other grew. I, on the other hand, got a bigger and bigger knot in my stomach. C was so excited, and I didn't want to disappoint her, but I knew the truth. Even if we hit it off personality-wise, I'm not every guy's cup of tea. My own body issues aside, I'm not a tiny girl. I'm cute, but most Southern California guys like a size 2 body to go with their cute. So I tried to manage C's expectations along with my own, and every week my therapist and I tried to work through my doom-and-gloom attitude and prepare me to handle rejection in a healthy way if it happened. To give my therapist credit, she thought I being irrational in believing that a Size 16 was going to the deciding factor, but I would not be swayed.
So, just 2 hours after I dragged my ass through 10K of steep hills, rank mud, and marines shouting at me from all angles C and I show up in San Diego for lunch with J.
My first impression was that J was cute. I had seen a picture on line so I kind of knew what to expect, but I was relieved that when we walked up there were no drastic differences. Unbeknownst to C she had landed right in my type: tall (he's probably 5'11" or so), dark hair, deep-ish voice, and a medium-sized build with some squish to it. So introductions were made and we headed into lunch, and 2 hours later migrated to drinks in Ocean Beach.
A total of 5 hours later I was hooked. J is not only cute, but he's one of those guys that gets exponentially cuter the more you get to know his personality. He's extremely smart (without being a know-it-all), funny, driven (taking The Bar this summer), principled (he took a job as an ADA), chivalrous, and just a great guy. When C would duck out for a "phone call" the conversation was easy and the pauses weren't awkward. He also has this way of being self-deprecating without being overly serious about it, and is refreshingly open about what he thinks and feels. I was sold by the end of lunch, and drinks after just sealed the deal.
So now I have to wait. I'm interested, but I couldn't get a definite read on him. C is still very optimistic and encouraging, and her favorite story is how she nearly died when we both ordered the same beer only 5 minutes into our meeting. But he's the missing piece, being that he had no definite clue this was a set-up of sorts (though I think he started to figure things out when C went missing for 15 minutes at lunch, and then he realized we had come in 2 different cars). At times I thought he was just being a typical nice guy, and at other times, when he would look at me through his long lashes and we'd lock eyes for several seconds... well, then I though maybe there could be more.
Unfortunately though I'm bad at this part. I'm okay at the flirting, and I think I'd been good at the relationship part, but it's the in between that kills me every time. Either I get too excited and forward and scare the guy off, or I go the opposite direction and am too aloof so he thinks I'm not interested. Thankfully this time I have C to help. She's been offering assistance and advice, and will be calling him later this week to get a feel for what he thought and see if she can pass on his number to me (since I'll be in San Diego later in July).
I'm just trying to manage my expectations. I'm trying to remain positive, while focusing on having non-extreme emotional reactions to whatever happens. I keep telling myself my part is done and that it's up to him now, and that if nothing comes of it it's not my fault. It just wasn't meant to be. But that's a hard pill to swallow, so I'm trying not to fast forward to the part where this fails and just focus on the next step. Like I said, this time it feels different. It's been a long time since I felt comfortable being anything or anyone in front of someone, especially a guy, and I'm hoping that says at least a little something for where this might go.
- I'm So Sorry: Camp Pendleton Mud Run 2008
- Is That My Foot?: My Trip To The Big Apple
- And as a special side story - Shoot Yourself In The Head: Scientology and Me
- James Marsters Raped My Soul: And Other Assorted Con Stories
- Confuzzled II: My Continuing Quest To Figuring Out What The HelFl Is Going On
- A Run In With Civic Duty
And for today...
Again.
So, I need to gush somewhere. I've tried various friends, and with the exception of chaoticflower no one is biting. I'm not offended as I understand why, I tend to get overly excited far too quickly when a new boy enters the picture. But, as even E noticed, this one feels different.
A few weeks ago my co-worker C sent me an email asking me to pop by her desk when I had a minute. Since she assured me it was fun (and not work) related I headed right over. As soon as I perched on her desk she asked the dreaded question, "So, are you dating anyone? I mean, you're single, right?"
Dun dun dun dunnnnn....
Apparently C had had an epiphany about one of her friends from college and had decided he and I would be adorable together. Now, as someone who is not a fan of dating the idea of a blind date with a friend of a friend freaked me out from the word go. But I let her tell me a little about him and in the end agreed to meet him. As he currently lives in San Diego she arranged for the three of us to have lunch after we finished the Mud Run. I figured as blind dates went it was tolerable being that C would be there to chaperon, it was just lunch, and he would have no clue she was trying to set us up (that special knowledge was saved just for me, joy).
As we slowly crawled closer to the Mud Run C got more and more excited as her conviction that we were perfect for each other grew. I, on the other hand, got a bigger and bigger knot in my stomach. C was so excited, and I didn't want to disappoint her, but I knew the truth. Even if we hit it off personality-wise, I'm not every guy's cup of tea. My own body issues aside, I'm not a tiny girl. I'm cute, but most Southern California guys like a size 2 body to go with their cute. So I tried to manage C's expectations along with my own, and every week my therapist and I tried to work through my doom-and-gloom attitude and prepare me to handle rejection in a healthy way if it happened. To give my therapist credit, she thought I being irrational in believing that a Size 16 was going to the deciding factor, but I would not be swayed.
So, just 2 hours after I dragged my ass through 10K of steep hills, rank mud, and marines shouting at me from all angles C and I show up in San Diego for lunch with J.
My first impression was that J was cute. I had seen a picture on line so I kind of knew what to expect, but I was relieved that when we walked up there were no drastic differences. Unbeknownst to C she had landed right in my type: tall (he's probably 5'11" or so), dark hair, deep-ish voice, and a medium-sized build with some squish to it. So introductions were made and we headed into lunch, and 2 hours later migrated to drinks in Ocean Beach.
A total of 5 hours later I was hooked. J is not only cute, but he's one of those guys that gets exponentially cuter the more you get to know his personality. He's extremely smart (without being a know-it-all), funny, driven (taking The Bar this summer), principled (he took a job as an ADA), chivalrous, and just a great guy. When C would duck out for a "phone call" the conversation was easy and the pauses weren't awkward. He also has this way of being self-deprecating without being overly serious about it, and is refreshingly open about what he thinks and feels. I was sold by the end of lunch, and drinks after just sealed the deal.
So now I have to wait. I'm interested, but I couldn't get a definite read on him. C is still very optimistic and encouraging, and her favorite story is how she nearly died when we both ordered the same beer only 5 minutes into our meeting. But he's the missing piece, being that he had no definite clue this was a set-up of sorts (though I think he started to figure things out when C went missing for 15 minutes at lunch, and then he realized we had come in 2 different cars). At times I thought he was just being a typical nice guy, and at other times, when he would look at me through his long lashes and we'd lock eyes for several seconds... well, then I though maybe there could be more.
Unfortunately though I'm bad at this part. I'm okay at the flirting, and I think I'd been good at the relationship part, but it's the in between that kills me every time. Either I get too excited and forward and scare the guy off, or I go the opposite direction and am too aloof so he thinks I'm not interested. Thankfully this time I have C to help. She's been offering assistance and advice, and will be calling him later this week to get a feel for what he thought and see if she can pass on his number to me (since I'll be in San Diego later in July).
I'm just trying to manage my expectations. I'm trying to remain positive, while focusing on having non-extreme emotional reactions to whatever happens. I keep telling myself my part is done and that it's up to him now, and that if nothing comes of it it's not my fault. It just wasn't meant to be. But that's a hard pill to swallow, so I'm trying not to fast forward to the part where this fails and just focus on the next step. Like I said, this time it feels different. It's been a long time since I felt comfortable being anything or anyone in front of someone, especially a guy, and I'm hoping that says at least a little something for where this might go.