Confuzzled
Which came first? Taking the leap of faith, or the feeling that said leap of faith would work out.
The promotion at work is out the window. I didn't get passed over, exactly. Basically the Director was running out of time and had to make a choice, and she chose not to replace K. As a result of that BMR is going to merge with D's group, and he will be their Supervisor.
Oh, what a tangled web we weave when we try to be selfless.
D approached me a few weeks ago and wanted to know my opinion on him talking to the Director about maybe merging BMR with his group, as well as get my consent. I thought, and still do think, that it was a reasonable idea as there is a lot of overlap between the two groups, especially in some fairly important areas. So I gave my seal of approval. Besides, D and I started work at WA within a month of each other and have been good friend's since the beginning and I would never want to stand in the way of his progress, nor would he ever want to stand in the way of mine. Plus, I like the gals in BMR and want the best for them, and the best was finding out what was going on with their jobs as soon as they could.
[insert backfire here]
D got the group. I was unintentionally told in passing, which was shocking, and when I emailed D he could tell I was upset. He even texted me on Saturday and we had lunch to talk about all of it. I'm happy for and supportive of him, and feel somewhat better after our talk. But in general I just feel confused, and as a result of that a little sad.
I've been telling myself for months that if this promotion fell through I would quit come August, take a few weeks off, then go back to school full-time to get my Masters while working part-time in a field I enjoyed. That is still my number one desire, and as I see it my best option for starting over in a new career, but now that it has become a real possibility my head and my heart are saying two very different things.
Heart: Now we can be free! We can get the rest our life has been needing for so long, and the chance to figure out what we love best and how we want to spend the rest of our life.
Head: ARE YOU NUTS?! How are you going to quit a stable, well-paying job and go back to school? Forget actually PAYING for the schooling, how are you going to maintain your current quality of life?
Heart: We already have debt, what's some more? And we can be okay with getting a smaller/cheaper apartment, doing with out trips, and giving up unnecessary luxuries for a few years. Plus, we like school.
Head: Let's just say I end up going along with this. What will you do with this new found piece of paper at the end?
Heart: Get a job we like! Not hate going to work!
Head: Doing...
Heart: Something happy making?
Head: My point exactly.
Heart: [sigh]
Head: [sigh]
Me: Ow.
I just don't know what to do on a large scale. Small scale I need to take the GMAT, and go talk to some college recruiters to really solidify what program I want and at what school. Then look into loans, grants, scholarships, etc. Though, even knowing all that, I still can't get myself to take a step back and just breathe. So much anxiety in me these days, and no clue where it came from. Or when really, for that matter. I just need to breathe. This isn't going to be an overnight decision or process. But I just can't help feeling that my future happiness, for a large part, rests on what I decide to do.
Anxiety.
The promotion at work is out the window. I didn't get passed over, exactly. Basically the Director was running out of time and had to make a choice, and she chose not to replace K. As a result of that BMR is going to merge with D's group, and he will be their Supervisor.
Oh, what a tangled web we weave when we try to be selfless.
D approached me a few weeks ago and wanted to know my opinion on him talking to the Director about maybe merging BMR with his group, as well as get my consent. I thought, and still do think, that it was a reasonable idea as there is a lot of overlap between the two groups, especially in some fairly important areas. So I gave my seal of approval. Besides, D and I started work at WA within a month of each other and have been good friend's since the beginning and I would never want to stand in the way of his progress, nor would he ever want to stand in the way of mine. Plus, I like the gals in BMR and want the best for them, and the best was finding out what was going on with their jobs as soon as they could.
[insert backfire here]
D got the group. I was unintentionally told in passing, which was shocking, and when I emailed D he could tell I was upset. He even texted me on Saturday and we had lunch to talk about all of it. I'm happy for and supportive of him, and feel somewhat better after our talk. But in general I just feel confused, and as a result of that a little sad.
I've been telling myself for months that if this promotion fell through I would quit come August, take a few weeks off, then go back to school full-time to get my Masters while working part-time in a field I enjoyed. That is still my number one desire, and as I see it my best option for starting over in a new career, but now that it has become a real possibility my head and my heart are saying two very different things.
Heart: Now we can be free! We can get the rest our life has been needing for so long, and the chance to figure out what we love best and how we want to spend the rest of our life.
Head: ARE YOU NUTS?! How are you going to quit a stable, well-paying job and go back to school? Forget actually PAYING for the schooling, how are you going to maintain your current quality of life?
Heart: We already have debt, what's some more? And we can be okay with getting a smaller/cheaper apartment, doing with out trips, and giving up unnecessary luxuries for a few years. Plus, we like school.
Head: Let's just say I end up going along with this. What will you do with this new found piece of paper at the end?
Heart: Get a job we like! Not hate going to work!
Head: Doing...
Heart: Something happy making?
Head: My point exactly.
Heart: [sigh]
Head: [sigh]
Me: Ow.
I just don't know what to do on a large scale. Small scale I need to take the GMAT, and go talk to some college recruiters to really solidify what program I want and at what school. Then look into loans, grants, scholarships, etc. Though, even knowing all that, I still can't get myself to take a step back and just breathe. So much anxiety in me these days, and no clue where it came from. Or when really, for that matter. I just need to breathe. This isn't going to be an overnight decision or process. But I just can't help feeling that my future happiness, for a large part, rests on what I decide to do.
Anxiety.