We'll Never Feel So Safe Again
Last week I sat in Kyle's room and told him how great everything was going for me. Josh's settlement was about to be cleared through and Josh, Jeremy, and I would be looking for a house to move in together - and we'd be living in our dream house and have everything we've ever wanted. I told him that I finally found a job that I love, and I've been doing really well at Wright State and making plenty of connections to help me out later in life. I explained to him how I'm becoming a prominent member of 411Mania, writing plenty of reviews, my weekly column and how I've been in contact with video game developers, and might even get a trip to California for a media event - something I've always wanted to do. And then I told him how my life is slowly becoming a dream come true and that I've been accomplishing pretty much every goal I've set for myself. I told him I felt way too lucky for all of this to be happening and that something has to happen...something is going to occur that will totally cancel out everything I just told him.
An hour later, I got a frantic call from my mother telling me Josh burnt down his house (which was right next to her house), and that it was literally exploding. Guns were going off, tanks were exploding, and windows were breaking everywhere.
Monday, Jeremy texted me and asked if I would talk to Laura, Scott's mom, with him about Scott's growing heroin addiction. He's been wasting away and is already needing to take it every two hours before he goes through withdrawal. Jeremy's best friend since 3rd grade, and a close on and off again friend since my freshman year is killing himself and is refusing to get help. He's going to do without help.
Tuesday, Josh (Eckley) dropped a bombshell on me that I'm not allowed to talk about, but it involves a mutual friend who is also facing a life or death situation.
Today, I talked to my mom and she told me that she went to get a mammogram and they found two spots that they were concerned about. They want her to go in for a biopsy today (after she was told that if she doesn't hear anything from them soon that it's nothing to worry about...there was a 24 hour delay) and that she may have breast cancer.
And I was right - everything has been canceled out. None of that matters now. I've tried to look on the bright side of everything and keep a positive attitude about it, but, fuck, it's impossible. Everyday something tragic has occurred, and there are now three people in my life who are in extremely serious situations. I'm just...worn out.
I'm trying to stay positive and hopeful that everything will work out - and I really hope it does. I really hope everything works out just fine and this is just a period of my life where some serious situations might occur - but don't necessarily pan out to be as bad as initially thought. But, it's so hard to keep that attitude and image when it keeps piling on. Something is going to break - I just don't know what.
I suppose that's why I've been listening to the Nick Cave and Shane MacGowen's cover of "What a Wonderful World." I like this version over the original (and the countless other covers) because when they recorded it, Shane was at the bottom of the barrel. He was a famous musician overseas but had fallen on hard times due to his abuse of drugs and alcohol, and when the song was recorded they were both drunk. But, unlike most people, Cave and MacGowen actually manage to put more meaning into the song than anyone else and you can tell, especially in MacGowen, that every word in the song has a much deeper meaning.
No matter what happens, there's still beauty in the world, and it reflects in people. That every phrase they say isn't just small talk, but an appreciation and declaration of love in troubling times. But the one line, that no matter what, always get me is "I hear babies cry, I watch them grow" which is said by Nick Cave. MacGowen follows by, "They'll learn much more than I'll ever know," which is honestly one of the most powerful lines I've ever heard sung. The way he says it, it conveys such strong emotions. He's admitting that he's made plenty of mistakes in his life but that those that come after him will learn from his mistakes and learn so much more about the world - he's already halfway into his life and he just realized this. The babies, however, have their entire life to avoid those mistakes and to realize it so much sooner - it's just sad to think how much time we've wasted.
I guess I'm just...lost. In each situation I've had to put my emotions on the backburner to help the other person. I had to help Jeremy calm down and get his head straight, and not just on Monday. Over the last couple of months, he's been making huge leaps and strides in his life and he told me that a large part of that is because of me, and in a rare moment, he actually called me a good friend. I assume I'm a good friend to all of my friends, but when he said it I knew he meant it because Jeremy is not one to just say things like that. When Josh told me his situation, he was coming to me for support and advice, and that's awesome he trusts me with that kind of information, but it's just so hard to fathom. And, with my mom, I couldn't let her know I was crying. I've always been the strong one, and when I go over there later with my brother and sisters, I'm going to have to be the strong one. I don't know who to turn to because I'm always the one that people turn to. I don't even know where to begin, so I suppose this post is my telling of my story and my call out for support and help. The only time I actually let my emotions out is alone in my car, which means I've been driving with tears in my eyes quite a bit over the last week.
On the plus side, I've lost 10 pounds on my diet. Woot.
An hour later, I got a frantic call from my mother telling me Josh burnt down his house (which was right next to her house), and that it was literally exploding. Guns were going off, tanks were exploding, and windows were breaking everywhere.
Monday, Jeremy texted me and asked if I would talk to Laura, Scott's mom, with him about Scott's growing heroin addiction. He's been wasting away and is already needing to take it every two hours before he goes through withdrawal. Jeremy's best friend since 3rd grade, and a close on and off again friend since my freshman year is killing himself and is refusing to get help. He's going to do without help.
Tuesday, Josh (Eckley) dropped a bombshell on me that I'm not allowed to talk about, but it involves a mutual friend who is also facing a life or death situation.
Today, I talked to my mom and she told me that she went to get a mammogram and they found two spots that they were concerned about. They want her to go in for a biopsy today (after she was told that if she doesn't hear anything from them soon that it's nothing to worry about...there was a 24 hour delay) and that she may have breast cancer.
And I was right - everything has been canceled out. None of that matters now. I've tried to look on the bright side of everything and keep a positive attitude about it, but, fuck, it's impossible. Everyday something tragic has occurred, and there are now three people in my life who are in extremely serious situations. I'm just...worn out.
I'm trying to stay positive and hopeful that everything will work out - and I really hope it does. I really hope everything works out just fine and this is just a period of my life where some serious situations might occur - but don't necessarily pan out to be as bad as initially thought. But, it's so hard to keep that attitude and image when it keeps piling on. Something is going to break - I just don't know what.
I suppose that's why I've been listening to the Nick Cave and Shane MacGowen's cover of "What a Wonderful World." I like this version over the original (and the countless other covers) because when they recorded it, Shane was at the bottom of the barrel. He was a famous musician overseas but had fallen on hard times due to his abuse of drugs and alcohol, and when the song was recorded they were both drunk. But, unlike most people, Cave and MacGowen actually manage to put more meaning into the song than anyone else and you can tell, especially in MacGowen, that every word in the song has a much deeper meaning.
No matter what happens, there's still beauty in the world, and it reflects in people. That every phrase they say isn't just small talk, but an appreciation and declaration of love in troubling times. But the one line, that no matter what, always get me is "I hear babies cry, I watch them grow" which is said by Nick Cave. MacGowen follows by, "They'll learn much more than I'll ever know," which is honestly one of the most powerful lines I've ever heard sung. The way he says it, it conveys such strong emotions. He's admitting that he's made plenty of mistakes in his life but that those that come after him will learn from his mistakes and learn so much more about the world - he's already halfway into his life and he just realized this. The babies, however, have their entire life to avoid those mistakes and to realize it so much sooner - it's just sad to think how much time we've wasted.
I guess I'm just...lost. In each situation I've had to put my emotions on the backburner to help the other person. I had to help Jeremy calm down and get his head straight, and not just on Monday. Over the last couple of months, he's been making huge leaps and strides in his life and he told me that a large part of that is because of me, and in a rare moment, he actually called me a good friend. I assume I'm a good friend to all of my friends, but when he said it I knew he meant it because Jeremy is not one to just say things like that. When Josh told me his situation, he was coming to me for support and advice, and that's awesome he trusts me with that kind of information, but it's just so hard to fathom. And, with my mom, I couldn't let her know I was crying. I've always been the strong one, and when I go over there later with my brother and sisters, I'm going to have to be the strong one. I don't know who to turn to because I'm always the one that people turn to. I don't even know where to begin, so I suppose this post is my telling of my story and my call out for support and help. The only time I actually let my emotions out is alone in my car, which means I've been driving with tears in my eyes quite a bit over the last week.
On the plus side, I've lost 10 pounds on my diet. Woot.