It's been more than three years... and so much has changed
I realize looking back, that the last entry probably wasn't the best one to disappear after. I talked about getting the worst news possible in regards to the spot on my chest. Where that spot was, there is now a giant scar. It's ugly and it still itches three years later. But, I'm not sorry it's there. If I didn't have the scar, I'd likely be dead.
A few weeks after the last entry here, I had surgery... while pregnant. The surgery was a wide local excision and sentinel lymph node biopsy. Basically, they cut out skin 2 inches around the initial spot and cut out the first lymph node. The results of that surgery bumped me up to a stage 3 diagnosis, but anything else they would usually do couldn't be done for at least another three months. I had to wait until I had my baby.
Elliott was born on May 15th, 2013. I was induced due to blood pressure that wouldn't behave. My original induction date was May 24th. My original due date was May 31st. Other than taking 36 hours and a threatened c-section, I think it was a fairly easy delivery. But, I also have no other experience to compare it to.
My maternity leave was spent taking care of all my medical stuff. It makes me sad, but I'm also not sorry it had to be done, for the same reason that I'm not sorry I have my scar. After many doctors and specialist visits, scans and a second surgery, we determined that the first surgery actually removed all the cancer and I was already 5 months NED (No Evidence of Disease). We opted to take a watch and wait stance with my treatment. I have been clear since then, but life hasn't been all sunshine.
It's been a little over a year since I confronted my husband about an emotional affair he had been involved in for the last 4 years of our marriage. He admitted it and said he didn't know if he wanted to stay married. It took him 3 weeks to make a decision. He told me what that was a year ago tomorrow. Then he went back on that decision a few days later after I gave him shit about throwing away 11 years and time with his son.
When he changed his mind, he was very clear about the fact that he had no intention of cutting off the woman that he had been carrying on in the affair with.
We had a trip that we needed to take a few weeks later and I didn't want to be fighting through it. I knew that I wouldn't be able to trust him unless he cut her off. But I made life as normal as possible for Elliott through that time. Towards the end of July, I did some things that I wasn't proud of, but they were things that I needed to do to get the truth. Mike thought he was good at saying what he thought I wanted to hear. I don't know if he thought that I was stupid or something. I ended up recording him while I was at work. I heard all I needed to hear to know that I was the only one interested in attempting to save our marriage. He told his girlfriend that he didn't know what to get me for my birthday because "what do you get someone with zero personality?"
Hearing something like that from someone who I had given the last 11 years of my life to was devastating. All those things that I talked about in my private entries here should have been my clue to get out then. But if I had left, I wouldn't have Elliott.
Elliott and I left in November of last year. We are currently living in my parent's house in the middle of Illinois. I don't belong here. I really do belong in the San Diego area. The people here aren't the type that keep me sharp. There are some exceptions and I'm not unhappy here. I just seriously doubt I am ever going to find someone that can keep up with me. It makes me sad.
I have been talking to a friend out in San Diego. I didn't know him long before we left, and if I had any idea that things would go the way they have, I may have tried harder to find a way to stay. He's always been easy to talk to. I have thoroughly enjoyed our conversations over the last almost 2 months. They've tapered off a little for the moment, but he's still my motivation. He's given me more confidence than I've had in the last few years. I am feeling so much more like myself that I have in the last years. I have no plans to pursue anything with this friend. I am going out to visit at the end of July, but I have no expectations. I will say that if anything does happen, it'll be "no strings" because I am not really looking for a long distance thing.
In the locked entries I mentioned above, I spoke a lot about having lost myself. I could feel that I was different and that I was less of the person I should have been. I was becoming a shell. It's for this reason I am extremely thankful for my friend and his playfulness. The thing I like best about our conversations is that, even though they sometimes get very naughty, there are some moments of vulnerability, not just from me, but from him as well. Those moments are how I know I can trust him, those moments of sincerity.
Almost 4 years ago, I wrote something about how I felt trapped and I didn't even know how to start thinking about escaping. At the time, I felt it was a me problem. I really shouldn't have taken all that responsibility on myself. I shouldn't have catered to Mike all the time. I realize now that I was afraid of his reactions and that should have been my biggest clue that I shouldn't have stayed.
I have some bad days. I cried on Father's Day after our FaceTime session with Mike. FaceTime has been the only way he and Elliott have seen each other since we left. Lately Elliott hasn't wanted to talk so much. I try very hard to get him talking, but yesterday it just wasn't happening. It made me sad. Elliott saw that I had tears, and he sat in my lap and told me not to cry. He shouldn't have to do that at 3 years old, but I'm glad that he has that compassion.
A few weeks after the last entry here, I had surgery... while pregnant. The surgery was a wide local excision and sentinel lymph node biopsy. Basically, they cut out skin 2 inches around the initial spot and cut out the first lymph node. The results of that surgery bumped me up to a stage 3 diagnosis, but anything else they would usually do couldn't be done for at least another three months. I had to wait until I had my baby.
Elliott was born on May 15th, 2013. I was induced due to blood pressure that wouldn't behave. My original induction date was May 24th. My original due date was May 31st. Other than taking 36 hours and a threatened c-section, I think it was a fairly easy delivery. But, I also have no other experience to compare it to.
My maternity leave was spent taking care of all my medical stuff. It makes me sad, but I'm also not sorry it had to be done, for the same reason that I'm not sorry I have my scar. After many doctors and specialist visits, scans and a second surgery, we determined that the first surgery actually removed all the cancer and I was already 5 months NED (No Evidence of Disease). We opted to take a watch and wait stance with my treatment. I have been clear since then, but life hasn't been all sunshine.
It's been a little over a year since I confronted my husband about an emotional affair he had been involved in for the last 4 years of our marriage. He admitted it and said he didn't know if he wanted to stay married. It took him 3 weeks to make a decision. He told me what that was a year ago tomorrow. Then he went back on that decision a few days later after I gave him shit about throwing away 11 years and time with his son.
When he changed his mind, he was very clear about the fact that he had no intention of cutting off the woman that he had been carrying on in the affair with.
We had a trip that we needed to take a few weeks later and I didn't want to be fighting through it. I knew that I wouldn't be able to trust him unless he cut her off. But I made life as normal as possible for Elliott through that time. Towards the end of July, I did some things that I wasn't proud of, but they were things that I needed to do to get the truth. Mike thought he was good at saying what he thought I wanted to hear. I don't know if he thought that I was stupid or something. I ended up recording him while I was at work. I heard all I needed to hear to know that I was the only one interested in attempting to save our marriage. He told his girlfriend that he didn't know what to get me for my birthday because "what do you get someone with zero personality?"
Hearing something like that from someone who I had given the last 11 years of my life to was devastating. All those things that I talked about in my private entries here should have been my clue to get out then. But if I had left, I wouldn't have Elliott.
Elliott and I left in November of last year. We are currently living in my parent's house in the middle of Illinois. I don't belong here. I really do belong in the San Diego area. The people here aren't the type that keep me sharp. There are some exceptions and I'm not unhappy here. I just seriously doubt I am ever going to find someone that can keep up with me. It makes me sad.
I have been talking to a friend out in San Diego. I didn't know him long before we left, and if I had any idea that things would go the way they have, I may have tried harder to find a way to stay. He's always been easy to talk to. I have thoroughly enjoyed our conversations over the last almost 2 months. They've tapered off a little for the moment, but he's still my motivation. He's given me more confidence than I've had in the last few years. I am feeling so much more like myself that I have in the last years. I have no plans to pursue anything with this friend. I am going out to visit at the end of July, but I have no expectations. I will say that if anything does happen, it'll be "no strings" because I am not really looking for a long distance thing.
In the locked entries I mentioned above, I spoke a lot about having lost myself. I could feel that I was different and that I was less of the person I should have been. I was becoming a shell. It's for this reason I am extremely thankful for my friend and his playfulness. The thing I like best about our conversations is that, even though they sometimes get very naughty, there are some moments of vulnerability, not just from me, but from him as well. Those moments are how I know I can trust him, those moments of sincerity.
Almost 4 years ago, I wrote something about how I felt trapped and I didn't even know how to start thinking about escaping. At the time, I felt it was a me problem. I really shouldn't have taken all that responsibility on myself. I shouldn't have catered to Mike all the time. I realize now that I was afraid of his reactions and that should have been my biggest clue that I shouldn't have stayed.
I have some bad days. I cried on Father's Day after our FaceTime session with Mike. FaceTime has been the only way he and Elliott have seen each other since we left. Lately Elliott hasn't wanted to talk so much. I try very hard to get him talking, but yesterday it just wasn't happening. It made me sad. Elliott saw that I had tears, and he sat in my lap and told me not to cry. He shouldn't have to do that at 3 years old, but I'm glad that he has that compassion.