long time...
so yeah... its been a long time since ive written in this thing. my last activity according to this was 45 weeks ago. ive been just caught up with life. and mostly been on myspace and all that craze.
new with calvin:
family moved to vegas and i didnt go with them. living on my own for the first time for about 7 months now. have 3 room mates. all girls. two of which are my cousins. the other one is one of my cousin's friends. its definitely different living with three women, much less on my own. its rather hard getting by. but i get by.
nothing else really knew to talk about. i dunno during this time of absence ive discovered that writing about my life hasnt really helped me. ive written on here. on myspace blogs. even an own personal journal ive started to use, but am now neglecting. i find myself writing about the same shit over and over again: on how crappy my life can be, mostly my love life. its like same shit different chick. and i dunno, maybe its really not healthy for me as some one has mentioned to me in a previous blog response.
and lately ive been finding myself becoming a very jealous person, which used to not be me at all. i have a lot of woman friends that i hang out with. some ive liked, others not. and when we're out i just get jealous over the fact that they call other guys, or when we are at bars im not the one taking them home. and if i like or have liked a girl im not one to usually hold on. ive learned to let go and move on if there is nothing there for me. so the basis of my jealousy, i have found out, is that i dont want those women neccessarily, but i want that sort of attention they are giving to other guys.
take last night as an example. i was out with a coworker and her friend. my coworkers friend was getting hit on left and right, wasnt really jealous of that for whatever reason. but when my coworker met up with some old friends, which were guys, she was all over him. and yes i used to like my coworker. but that was when i first started the job. and she knew i liked her. i told her, but she shot me down. whatever. i got over it, still friends. but she was just holding him and always hugging and whatever. and that drove me nuts.
ok so i lied. maybe i cant let go of things. if i like you ill like you. ill just lie to myself and tell myself im over her. but deep down in the blackest depths of my heart, if you come to me and say you want me then ill be with you. and that is something i really dont think is healthy for me. so all the girls ive ever liked, dated, gone out with, or whatever; i still hold you in the deepest darkest depths of my heart. instead of getting over you, i just move on the the next thing to try and be over you. but some how i cant come to actually get over you.
and why is it, that i always am prone to falling for the girls with the drama. and not just any drama. but more specifically the ones who are hung up on past lovers. and its like you seem that they like me and they'll flirt with me. and then when i get to know them more, its like oh yes i want to her all about your exboyfriend. huh, talk about irony.
also, why is it i can never find some one who likes me for a change. why cant i try giving some one a chance for once. well whatever. see i told you all, i always end up writing about the same shit.
want read about something different? too bad, i dont have any thing else different to talk about! you wanna hear about the dream i had last night?
it was about the girl i like right now. suprise suprise... now its not about the coworker i was previously talking about, but actually another coworker im interested in. yes she has exboyfriend drama. anyways. we're in a parking garage. a few stories up. next to our cars. we're takling about something, i cant really remember what exactly. then i lean in, close my eyes and kiss her. i pull away slightly and open my eyes. she's looking back at me and smiling, then pulls in to kiss me. and we just stand there and kiss for several moments. then we talk about going somewhere, which i think was back to her place, im not sure. she asks, wanna follow me? im like sure. so she gets in her car i get in mine and we are off driving. then somehow we end up in the same car, hers probably cause she is driving and i am in the passenger seat. makes sense... but then thats when im woken up by a phone call from work. just to say dont come in today we're cutting back hours. of course im half asleep cause i was out till 7 this morning and they call around 10. so im like uh ok at least ill get to sleep more.
and i dunno. i used to think dreams were some kind of sign. of the future. cause ive had dreams that involved a specific someone and then that some one needed something. but that was a few years ago. now i just think that my dreams are a way of god or another higher being torturing me. like im gonna let you dream about what you really want, but not actually give it to you.
and why do i have this negative outlook on life?
cause i do not have anything positive right now to look upon...