Stuck in the Closet
Okay, my first journal entry. Thought I'd give a little background:
My name is Calvin and I am I am a guy, a son, a brother, a step-father, an uncle, a grandchild, an ex-husband, a good friend, and gay. The biggest problem in my life is that NO ONE in my family or ANY of my friends knows that I am gay. I am defined by so much more than my "gayness." I am uncomfortable talking about it, as evidenced by my inability or unwillingness to identify myself as such. I do not have anyone in my life that I believe would understand. I was even married to a woman for 4 ½ years as I attempted to force myself into heterosexuality. Needless to say, it failed, but the closeness of our marriage relationship allowed her to see a part of me nobody had every seen…and she suspected.
Well-meaning family members are suspicious. I often yearn for the “I wish they would just tell me they know” scenario, because I sense that they do know. Maybe I’m the only one who thinks it is a secret! I feel that a wave of relief will cascade over me if I just tell one person about my struggle…so I choose the LiveJournal community and perhaps this will lead to more openness and honesty on my part. I have tried to conform to what the world wants me to be, but in my heart I know who I am.
So I am looking for open-minded, good-hearted, LiveJournal friends.
Some background: Born in 1982 in Los Angeles, California. Graduated from high school in 2000 (Class of 2000!) and then relocated to North Texas and graduated from Community College in 2003. Had married my beautiful ex-wife in 2002, then divorced in 2006 (we remain good friends). She has two great children, whom I still consider my step-children and see often (a son age 9 and a daughter age 7). I work for a large health insurance company (basically since I arrived in Texas). Just recently began (March) working at home, which in additon to saving on gas, and being able to work in my pajamas, is very cool. My favorite color is orange...
Later,
Calvin
My name is Calvin and I am I am a guy, a son, a brother, a step-father, an uncle, a grandchild, an ex-husband, a good friend, and gay. The biggest problem in my life is that NO ONE in my family or ANY of my friends knows that I am gay. I am defined by so much more than my "gayness." I am uncomfortable talking about it, as evidenced by my inability or unwillingness to identify myself as such. I do not have anyone in my life that I believe would understand. I was even married to a woman for 4 ½ years as I attempted to force myself into heterosexuality. Needless to say, it failed, but the closeness of our marriage relationship allowed her to see a part of me nobody had every seen…and she suspected.
Well-meaning family members are suspicious. I often yearn for the “I wish they would just tell me they know” scenario, because I sense that they do know. Maybe I’m the only one who thinks it is a secret! I feel that a wave of relief will cascade over me if I just tell one person about my struggle…so I choose the LiveJournal community and perhaps this will lead to more openness and honesty on my part. I have tried to conform to what the world wants me to be, but in my heart I know who I am.
So I am looking for open-minded, good-hearted, LiveJournal friends.
Some background: Born in 1982 in Los Angeles, California. Graduated from high school in 2000 (Class of 2000!) and then relocated to North Texas and graduated from Community College in 2003. Had married my beautiful ex-wife in 2002, then divorced in 2006 (we remain good friends). She has two great children, whom I still consider my step-children and see often (a son age 9 and a daughter age 7). I work for a large health insurance company (basically since I arrived in Texas). Just recently began (March) working at home, which in additon to saving on gas, and being able to work in my pajamas, is very cool. My favorite color is orange...
Later,
Calvin