Happy, or not?
Last week, I applied for Vic's Summer Research Scholarship. It's one where I will work side by side along with my lecturers on specific research projects.
To cut the story short, I applied for 2 different research projects on Tourism - one on visitor management at Zealandia; the other on helping my professor research on his 2nd edition book. I failed to get the Zealandia project, but I got the latter.
I got a scholarship.
I got a scholarship.
I got a scholarship.
Up till now, I don't think this fact has sunk into me entirely. I got a scholarship -- how unbelievable is that? From someone who has never scored, nor excelled academically back in Singapore, from someone who has forever been crying over her results and getting stressed for the slightest academic reason ever, attaining a scholarship is almost like attaining the impossible. I'm not trying to boast that I've got a scholarship. Tell me about it and I can answer you in an almost doubtful manner "Did I really, just do that?".
Yet, somehow or rather, I am not sensing any happiness. Rather, the full force of stress and pressure has come to me, thinking whether I am capable of handling the research project or not. And, the fact that I will not be able to go home this summer holidays, doesn't seem to make the whole thing any exciting.
I think I've had a lot of exposures and new challenges this year. Since coming to NZ, every year, I've had to face new changes, new challenges, new things. It might have come to a point that I'm so sick of changes that I just want everything to return to the norm. I am afraid of moving anymore from my comfort zone.
This year has taken an exceptionally large leap for me, especially having to start tutoring first years. Many would think tutoring of something similar to a tuition teacher. But I'd say it's almost similar to a teaching assistant. There were class preparation to be done, marking of assignments (and that can be a 2,000 word essay/report), grading of presentations, teaching, answering questions, presenting and helping students. Of course, nothing started out smooth. My first trimester, I've had students come into class with a face that simply spelt "I hate you and your boring class. But it's fucking mandatory so I'm here". I wasn't perfect and I screwed up; I've had students who couldn't understand my accent, couldn't understand what I was talking about.
It wasn't easy, especially to be speaking (or in fact, teaching) a bunch of 10-15 people who are culturally different from you, for 50minutes, straight. But I guess, eventually the more exposure I had, the more I learnt how to get around things. It's probably not so much whether you have the ability to teach, but rather do you want to teach well. It's in you. And the most satisfying thing you can hear after 12 weeks (each trimester) of tutorials, that people thank you for your work, people telling you "The best thing about this course is the tutorials" and that you are a good tutor. While there's only a couple, it goes to show that you're not that bad afterall. :')
I am stressed, and pressurized over the summer research scholarship. And even more for Honours next year. I feel like every year is new challenge and a whole new experience for me (which makes it all very scary). I am excited, yet stressed, pressurized and afraid. Nothing makes it better that no one is here to comfort me (or talk to me), and that even typing a whole chunk of this, does anyone really understand how I feel and sympathsize with me.
My life here is already so different with everyone back at home that there's seriously no more point in me telling anyhow really, how I feel anymore. Because people can't relate, and my life is isolated; alone and foreign. So I guess the point of this email is to tell whoever is reading this post (and thank you for caring to know), that "hello, I've got a scholarship.".
To cut the story short, I applied for 2 different research projects on Tourism - one on visitor management at Zealandia; the other on helping my professor research on his 2nd edition book. I failed to get the Zealandia project, but I got the latter.
I got a scholarship.
I got a scholarship.
I got a scholarship.
Up till now, I don't think this fact has sunk into me entirely. I got a scholarship -- how unbelievable is that? From someone who has never scored, nor excelled academically back in Singapore, from someone who has forever been crying over her results and getting stressed for the slightest academic reason ever, attaining a scholarship is almost like attaining the impossible. I'm not trying to boast that I've got a scholarship. Tell me about it and I can answer you in an almost doubtful manner "Did I really, just do that?".
Yet, somehow or rather, I am not sensing any happiness. Rather, the full force of stress and pressure has come to me, thinking whether I am capable of handling the research project or not. And, the fact that I will not be able to go home this summer holidays, doesn't seem to make the whole thing any exciting.
I think I've had a lot of exposures and new challenges this year. Since coming to NZ, every year, I've had to face new changes, new challenges, new things. It might have come to a point that I'm so sick of changes that I just want everything to return to the norm. I am afraid of moving anymore from my comfort zone.
This year has taken an exceptionally large leap for me, especially having to start tutoring first years. Many would think tutoring of something similar to a tuition teacher. But I'd say it's almost similar to a teaching assistant. There were class preparation to be done, marking of assignments (and that can be a 2,000 word essay/report), grading of presentations, teaching, answering questions, presenting and helping students. Of course, nothing started out smooth. My first trimester, I've had students come into class with a face that simply spelt "I hate you and your boring class. But it's fucking mandatory so I'm here". I wasn't perfect and I screwed up; I've had students who couldn't understand my accent, couldn't understand what I was talking about.
It wasn't easy, especially to be speaking (or in fact, teaching) a bunch of 10-15 people who are culturally different from you, for 50minutes, straight. But I guess, eventually the more exposure I had, the more I learnt how to get around things. It's probably not so much whether you have the ability to teach, but rather do you want to teach well. It's in you. And the most satisfying thing you can hear after 12 weeks (each trimester) of tutorials, that people thank you for your work, people telling you "The best thing about this course is the tutorials" and that you are a good tutor. While there's only a couple, it goes to show that you're not that bad afterall. :')
I am stressed, and pressurized over the summer research scholarship. And even more for Honours next year. I feel like every year is new challenge and a whole new experience for me (which makes it all very scary). I am excited, yet stressed, pressurized and afraid. Nothing makes it better that no one is here to comfort me (or talk to me), and that even typing a whole chunk of this, does anyone really understand how I feel and sympathsize with me.
My life here is already so different with everyone back at home that there's seriously no more point in me telling anyhow really, how I feel anymore. Because people can't relate, and my life is isolated; alone and foreign. So I guess the point of this email is to tell whoever is reading this post (and thank you for caring to know), that "hello, I've got a scholarship.".