no subject
as i sit here at work, bored out of my mind, i sit and dwell on things that i cant control. i wish things could be better with my sister, my two best friends were up here with me, that my dad wasnt such an asshole sometimes, that my mom could be with me, and this feeling of doubt when it comes to myself and howie. things are slowly getting better with my sister. everyone was right, the second i moved away things between her and i got better. we talk more than we did and fight less. i miss her and love her. i wouldnt be me without her. though she might be the meanest person i know sometimes she is also the nicest person i know. i need kathy and margot. plain and simple. they keep me sane. i mean bri andi and katie have become really close friends if not best friends, but theres just something they cant give me that kathy and margot can. they have been there for me through thick and thin. kathy was the first person i called when my parents got divorced. margot was the one person i called when i tried to committ suicide. theyve been there. sure we have had our rough times but what friendship doesnt. i miss them so much it hurts. they complete me, they are apart of me and i am apart of them. we are not only best friends but we are also sisters. my dad is such an asshole sometimes. i swear all it seems like is he cares just for himself and his new family. i need him to be my dad and be there and help me. he has done nothing to support me up here. he doesnt call me. it seems like he just doesnt care. i know my sister is going through the same thing with him. i feel so bad because she is still down there, she cant get away, she has to deal with his bullshit more than i do. i feel guilty too sometimes because of the simple fact that i am here and she is there. i mean i do love him but he just acts like an asshole sometimes. there are just so many frustrations with him that i dont want to list them all out. i really miss my mom. i need her. its so hard to not have her here. it was easy for me to just drive two hours and be there but i cant now. i just really miss her. i hate doubting myself. sometimes i doubt my decision for coming up here but i know it was the right choice. im happy here. more happy than i was in phoenix. ive met so many wonderful people here that its worth me moving here. i just doubt myself so much and that doesnt feel to great. another thing that i doubt which makes me sick to my stomach is howie. i mean i love him with all my heart and he says he loves me too but sometimes it just doesnt seem like it. he was gone this weekend from thursday to sunday and i missed him like crazy. he was all i could think of and think that was due to me not doing anything this weekend. i dont think he missed me and thats what makes me sad. hes been pulling away from me and it hurts. he says he loves me and blah blah blah but sometimes his actions suggest otherwise. i dont like feeling this way. when i am put in this situation when im in a relationship i usually break up with them to save me some pain but i dont want to with howie. i love him so much but him pulling away from me almost makes me want to. hes not the same howie i fell in love with the same howie i love to spend time with hes just not the same howie. i dont know what to do about it. i told him how i felt and he said he would work on it blah blah blah but things arent changing. and last night he said i was a "little clingy" but i guess if missing the person you love is clingy than i need to learn a few things. ive been crtying lately and howie is is part of the reason. im so confused i dont know what to do. im hoping that this is just a rough phase in our relationship. im trying to stay "strong" and keep this relationship going but sometimes it seems like i want it more than he does. ive become this person i hate. apparently im clingy. i hate clingy people. ive become vulnerable and i dont like that. i just want me to be me and howie to be the howie i love. i really dont know what to do.