good days and bad days
Lately I've been up and down. Good days and bad days. Today's a bad day. I guess it started last night when John asked if I'd come work out with him, and since working out was on the docket anyway, I said ok. It started out good. Chit chat and exercise and nothing serious, but he kept talking about his new girlfriend, which started to grate on my nerves. It's not like he was constantly talking about her, but he'd bring her up now and again. And he wasn't saying nice things about her, either. It was all negative stuff. And then when I went to leave he said it was a bit hard for him because when we were dating we used to work out, then come back to his place, shower and have *ahem* special relationship time. To which I replied "That's not my fault, you broke up with me. Call what's her name to come over." And he tried to joke and said "That'll go over well "Hey, do you mind if I have sex with Serenity?" Which made me angry, so I said, "Ask her to come over for special relationship time." To which he said (and this is an exact quote here.) "She won't. We don't have good chemistry, but we're working on it." To which I said "I"m leaving now." and promptly did just that.
It upsets me because I feel he's telling me that he broke up with me and is now dating someone who is LESS compatible with him, who makes him LESS happy and with whom he has less of a chance of having a future and a long term relationship. How is that comforting? Plus, I totally don't want to hear about her, see her, think about her. I could handle working out, chit chatting about work and whatnot, but not that. Not knowing about his (lack of a) sex life. So today I told him that if we were going to stay on friendly terms he was going to have to stop saying negative things about her. And he apologized and said that he didn't want to say good things about her because he didn't want to hurt my feelings so he stupidly said bad things. I suggested perhaps it was best to just not talk about her. Or just say "Things are going well." and leave it at that.
This morning I went and got my hair cut so now I have cute hair and no money and no plans to do anything today. Which adds to the bad day. I was SUPPOSED to be going to Toronto to see Jesse Cook in concert, who is a classical guitar player I ADORE. Les and I bought the tickets ages ago, but as life would have it, his new girlfriend won tickets to a basketball game tonight and so he canceled the concert with me, we sold the tickets and now I have nothing to do tonight and I'm feeling a bit miserable about that. Let me not lie. I'm a lot miserable. I'm really really disappointed. But what can I do? I'm happy Les has found someone else, and maybe I'll eventually be happy that John has moved on, but right now I just feel left behind and alone and a bit betrayed.
Maybe it would be easier if I could just cut all ties with my exes and move on, but the fact is that I dated them because I liked who they are and I don't stop liking who they are after we stop dating. Plus, I spent most of my life constantly being uprooted, moving, making new friends, starting over and I'm getting to a stage in my life where I want to have some roots. I'm tried of constantly reinventing myself. It's lonely continually starting over and I don't want to cut them out of my life. Transitions are difficult. And, since yesterday was Princess Bride Quote Day on Facebook, "Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something." It so true.
It upsets me because I feel he's telling me that he broke up with me and is now dating someone who is LESS compatible with him, who makes him LESS happy and with whom he has less of a chance of having a future and a long term relationship. How is that comforting? Plus, I totally don't want to hear about her, see her, think about her. I could handle working out, chit chatting about work and whatnot, but not that. Not knowing about his (lack of a) sex life. So today I told him that if we were going to stay on friendly terms he was going to have to stop saying negative things about her. And he apologized and said that he didn't want to say good things about her because he didn't want to hurt my feelings so he stupidly said bad things. I suggested perhaps it was best to just not talk about her. Or just say "Things are going well." and leave it at that.
This morning I went and got my hair cut so now I have cute hair and no money and no plans to do anything today. Which adds to the bad day. I was SUPPOSED to be going to Toronto to see Jesse Cook in concert, who is a classical guitar player I ADORE. Les and I bought the tickets ages ago, but as life would have it, his new girlfriend won tickets to a basketball game tonight and so he canceled the concert with me, we sold the tickets and now I have nothing to do tonight and I'm feeling a bit miserable about that. Let me not lie. I'm a lot miserable. I'm really really disappointed. But what can I do? I'm happy Les has found someone else, and maybe I'll eventually be happy that John has moved on, but right now I just feel left behind and alone and a bit betrayed.
Maybe it would be easier if I could just cut all ties with my exes and move on, but the fact is that I dated them because I liked who they are and I don't stop liking who they are after we stop dating. Plus, I spent most of my life constantly being uprooted, moving, making new friends, starting over and I'm getting to a stage in my life where I want to have some roots. I'm tried of constantly reinventing myself. It's lonely continually starting over and I don't want to cut them out of my life. Transitions are difficult. And, since yesterday was Princess Bride Quote Day on Facebook, "Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something." It so true.