*sigh* I can understand where you're coming from, but, I also understand your sister. Like you, I watched my mom and grandmother get treated like crap by their husbands. My mom actually went through 4 of them and never got a really good one!! I also swore that I would never let a man treat me that way, but, I did. I'm a survivor of what your sister is now going through. I was with a man for 5 years who not only treated me like dirt, I had a child by him that he wouldn't acknowledge for the first 6 years of her life. He abused me, I found out after I left that he molested my daughter when she was 2. Your sister knows in her head that the guy is bad, I knew in my head that I was in a bad situation, but, when you grow up in the environments we did, you tend to go with what is familiar to you. Even though it's not really safe, it's it's what we know and deep down we're afraid that we don't really deserve better. We tend to stay with what's familiar, even though it might be bad for us simply because it is familiar and we understand it.
( ... )
JLW said everything I came here to say. All you can really do, other than what JLW said, is keep loving her and be there when she needs you, if you can take it. And watch for this happening to you too. It's easy to say you would never let that happen to you, but you really don't know a guy till you've lived with him, and the sweetest guy can suddenly turn nasty. They make you feel like you are worthless and no one will ever love you, and you hear that enough, you start to believe it, and you become *grateful* that he even bothers to spend time with you. She needs constant reassurance that she is already a better person, and he will not become a better person until he decides to make changes in himself. Nothing she can do will make him a better person. She cannot change him, she cannot "fix" him. She needs to get out and be her own person, so that she can become who she can be without him to hold her back.
*hugs* to you, it's hard to watch self destructive peopel destroy themselves and those around them.
*hugs back* Thanks, doll. I try to be there as much as I can. (After this last incedent I actually went off on a mini-roadtrip with her.) But she's stubborn. We try to tell her she's better than him. We try to convince her that she deserves real love and would find it if she left him. She just doesn't listen.
But we will keep trying. Hopefully she'll start beliveing us before something bad happens.
I understand what you are saying about the familiar. I suppose that must be it, because I can't think of any other reason.
And he does constantly tell her that he wants to get better, he's trying, blah blah blah. They even started going to therapy together but, get this, the therapist told my sister it was all her fault that he wasn't getting better. That if she would try harder, not nag him so much, etc. he'd get better. Can you believe that? That started a whole new doewnward spiral a few months ago.
And as far as the children thing goes, well, he told her he's had a vesectamy (sp?). But I don't think I really believe him, and am terrified that she'll end up pregnant.
Thank you for your advice. I will take what you've said to heart and give it all a serious think-over. And thanks for offering up your help as well. I'll definitely take you up on that offer if I need to.
I can say that your sister deserves to be treated with respect and love, as an equal. I hope that she comes around to seeing that, but until she does, I know you're there for her :)
RR has a point, sometimes tough love is the only way that works. When a person knows they have a safety net to fall back into, they're not as inclined to make a change for the better because they don't see the true urgentcy(sp?) of the situation.
*nods* And I'm sure that is a big part of it too. But as I told Random, my family will never let her fall. And I know it only hinders her. But they think they're doing what's best for her, by supporting her through everything. :(
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*hugs* to you, it's hard to watch self destructive peopel destroy themselves and those around them.
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But we will keep trying. Hopefully she'll start beliveing us before something bad happens.
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And he does constantly tell her that he wants to get better, he's trying, blah blah blah. They even started going to therapy together but, get this, the therapist told my sister it was all her fault that he wasn't getting better. That if she would try harder, not nag him so much, etc. he'd get better. Can you believe that? That started a whole new doewnward spiral a few months ago.
And as far as the children thing goes, well, he told her he's had a vesectamy (sp?). But I don't think I really believe him, and am terrified that she'll end up pregnant.
Thank you for your advice. I will take what you've said to heart and give it all a serious think-over. And thanks for offering up your help as well. I'll definitely take you up on that offer if I need to.
*hugs*
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I can say that your sister deserves to be treated with respect and love, as an equal. I hope that she comes around to seeing that, but until she does, I know you're there for her :)
*sends big hugs your & your sisters way*
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Thanks, love. We're not real close, her and I. But I hate seeing her hurting. :(
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