(no subject)
Alright, I'm having troubles.
I want to convey feelings. I want to share how I'm feeling without sounding like an angsty, pretensious teen whining about her oh-so-complicated middle class life in America on Livejournal.
Damnit. I wish everything I thought didn't sound like a cliche. Oh well.
I feel full. I feel full of beliefs, ideas, hopes, and cynicism. Maybe it's just a hormone thing, but I feel completely overwhelmed by the world, by life, and by death. Especially by life and death. I've had days lately where I wake up and feel like I have not earned my morning. What's more, I feel tired of life. It isn't boredom. And I'm not depressed or suicidal or anything like that. It's just intense and frustrating mind wanderings that lead me to a place where I feel like everything I try to do is futile. Life seems like a waste of time, energy, and space.
I just don't want to do everything for nothing.
Huh. I think I've realized why I love speech so much. When I get tired of thinking heavy thoughts, I can think pseudo-heavy thoughts and get the same results. That's what speech is - at least for me. It's real, raw emotions prompted by completely contrived situations. Well, yeah we're really performing and really caring about how we stack up against everyone else, but when you get down to it, we're merely pretending - acting out fictional roles and situations and speaking/arguing about issues we stopped caring about months ago.
It's great, but it isn't world peace or anything.
It provides catharsis without actually doing/thinking anything real.
It's the only activity that I can be consumed by for days at a time - mind and body - and then be completely unphased and back to normal five minutes after I take off the high heels.
I don't know from experience, but I bet this is what passionate, no-strings-attached, one night stand sex feels like. You're all about it while it's happening but after, life goes on just like before. It feels deep but it isn't.
Not that speech hasn't been special and good at that whole personal development thing. I just realize that it's a great way to feel important and profound without actually doing anything important or profound.
I like that. A lot. Sometimes I just need to feel special and important even though I know I'm not.
That might not have made any sense. *shrug*
I want to convey feelings. I want to share how I'm feeling without sounding like an angsty, pretensious teen whining about her oh-so-complicated middle class life in America on Livejournal.
Damnit. I wish everything I thought didn't sound like a cliche. Oh well.
I feel full. I feel full of beliefs, ideas, hopes, and cynicism. Maybe it's just a hormone thing, but I feel completely overwhelmed by the world, by life, and by death. Especially by life and death. I've had days lately where I wake up and feel like I have not earned my morning. What's more, I feel tired of life. It isn't boredom. And I'm not depressed or suicidal or anything like that. It's just intense and frustrating mind wanderings that lead me to a place where I feel like everything I try to do is futile. Life seems like a waste of time, energy, and space.
I just don't want to do everything for nothing.
Huh. I think I've realized why I love speech so much. When I get tired of thinking heavy thoughts, I can think pseudo-heavy thoughts and get the same results. That's what speech is - at least for me. It's real, raw emotions prompted by completely contrived situations. Well, yeah we're really performing and really caring about how we stack up against everyone else, but when you get down to it, we're merely pretending - acting out fictional roles and situations and speaking/arguing about issues we stopped caring about months ago.
It's great, but it isn't world peace or anything.
It provides catharsis without actually doing/thinking anything real.
It's the only activity that I can be consumed by for days at a time - mind and body - and then be completely unphased and back to normal five minutes after I take off the high heels.
I don't know from experience, but I bet this is what passionate, no-strings-attached, one night stand sex feels like. You're all about it while it's happening but after, life goes on just like before. It feels deep but it isn't.
Not that speech hasn't been special and good at that whole personal development thing. I just realize that it's a great way to feel important and profound without actually doing anything important or profound.
I like that. A lot. Sometimes I just need to feel special and important even though I know I'm not.
That might not have made any sense. *shrug*