Curve..
That band always brings back memories of you.
Tonight, the lyrics that circle are "Come so far, can't go back."
And it's true. I've come a long way from "us." It's been a solid 7 years since we became separate entities... 8 years in September. And mere months after you moved away you removed me from your life entirely. I haven't heard from you in nearly a decade. I continue to mourn as if you died.
Sometimes I think about contacting you, just to see how you are and to hear you smile. I know that you got married. I hope you treat her well and that she makes you happy. I hope that she is happy and that you treat each other with the love and respect that lovers and partners should. I hope you don't do and say the things to her that you did to me. Like the time that you had me sleep on the floor with no blankets or pillows because you got angry at me. I can't even remember what you were angry about. All of my memories of you being angry are hazy because there was no rhyme or reason to your rage. I think that we would be destined to go through all the same shit all over again were we to try to have a friendship, and for that reason I won't ever write you again, but the temptation is still there.
I miss the man you were when you weren't angry so much it still hurts.
I don't miss your anger, but somehow I still miss you. You weren't good to me. You weren't good for me. I was isolated and lonely. You controlled me and who I was permitted to be friends with and how often I was allowed to be with my friends to an alarming degree. I couldn't see that then, but I can see it now. You said that you loved me and then you acted as though you hated me. And maybe you did. Maybe you both loved and hated me. Maybe that was a product of your condition.
I wish I could have hated you. I loved you, and I resented you for your behavior (and still do to a degree) but I never found the cold hatred I needed to truly let you go. It would have been helpful. It would still be helpful.
I'm not really sure why I'm writing all of this down, either. I'm in a bed that is soft and warm, 3000 miles away from where we were. My boyfriend is lying next to me, sleeping softly. I wish I could tell you about him. Not to anger you, as I suspect it would, but so that we could share some measure of happiness together again, as people who care for one another. Not as lovers. You were never a lover. As friends, though. Sometimes I feel like you were my friend. I miss that friend very much tonight.
I hope you're sleeping soundly, next to your wife, and that you cherish her forevermore.
Tonight, the lyrics that circle are "Come so far, can't go back."
And it's true. I've come a long way from "us." It's been a solid 7 years since we became separate entities... 8 years in September. And mere months after you moved away you removed me from your life entirely. I haven't heard from you in nearly a decade. I continue to mourn as if you died.
Sometimes I think about contacting you, just to see how you are and to hear you smile. I know that you got married. I hope you treat her well and that she makes you happy. I hope that she is happy and that you treat each other with the love and respect that lovers and partners should. I hope you don't do and say the things to her that you did to me. Like the time that you had me sleep on the floor with no blankets or pillows because you got angry at me. I can't even remember what you were angry about. All of my memories of you being angry are hazy because there was no rhyme or reason to your rage. I think that we would be destined to go through all the same shit all over again were we to try to have a friendship, and for that reason I won't ever write you again, but the temptation is still there.
I miss the man you were when you weren't angry so much it still hurts.
I don't miss your anger, but somehow I still miss you. You weren't good to me. You weren't good for me. I was isolated and lonely. You controlled me and who I was permitted to be friends with and how often I was allowed to be with my friends to an alarming degree. I couldn't see that then, but I can see it now. You said that you loved me and then you acted as though you hated me. And maybe you did. Maybe you both loved and hated me. Maybe that was a product of your condition.
I wish I could have hated you. I loved you, and I resented you for your behavior (and still do to a degree) but I never found the cold hatred I needed to truly let you go. It would have been helpful. It would still be helpful.
I'm not really sure why I'm writing all of this down, either. I'm in a bed that is soft and warm, 3000 miles away from where we were. My boyfriend is lying next to me, sleeping softly. I wish I could tell you about him. Not to anger you, as I suspect it would, but so that we could share some measure of happiness together again, as people who care for one another. Not as lovers. You were never a lover. As friends, though. Sometimes I feel like you were my friend. I miss that friend very much tonight.
I hope you're sleeping soundly, next to your wife, and that you cherish her forevermore.