long entry. whatevz.
i know no one probably reads this, as i've threatened to quit like 39382 times, especially within the past year. i guess my desire to make my feelings or situations public has decreased. the exhibitionalist in me has kinda died some. so much has changed within me, in such a short amount of time, that i felt/feel the need to reflect on it all now. public or private.
it's really interesting to think about how people evolve in life. i remember being a crazed teenager, skipping class to run around old ellicott city...my social life was everything. and it wasn't like i had to have it. i needed to have it. if i was home on a friday night, low and behold, i was cryin or feeling like i had no friends. now i couldn't give two shits what night i go out on or if i don't go out sometimes for a week or two in a row here and there. in college, i put a lot of myself in extracurriculars, while still maintaining what was important. my grades were more important to me, i seldom skipped class...i can go on and on this change, but still felt the need, after a bad break up with someone going into my last year, to be the center of attention or wear things that would grab people's attention. i had to be the sillyest. the smartest. the prettyest. and the best. i had to be someone everyone wanted to be around. this carried on until sometime last year, really leading up till about 6 months ago. if i was going through a by myself/depressive spot, i loathed the "scene" i loathed a lot of people i hold and held strong acquaintances with. i loathed so much. i think more importantly, i loathed because i didn't have inner peace. i've always have had a strong hold on who i am but nonetheless, i have really become more accepting of all that has happened to me and all that i have inflicted on others to the best of my ability. now when i go through more 'alone' spots, i don't care as much about things i loathed, it's almost like what the fuck for? there is so much that can be elaborated on, in this entire long paragraph, keep that in mind.
it's funny. lately, i either spend days on end socializing, doing whatevs. or days on end completely exhausted and sleeping. the last three weekends, half of them have been spent sick to some degree...i wear myself down so fast still thinking i'm a 17 yr old. but really, i've been hitting things hard since i was about 14 years old. when you spend that long drinking and smoking on and off...things start to wear down on you. you start to get bored with it easier and seek a balance. for me that balance has been my job/career, relaxing more often, doing art work, etc. let's see...in the past month the following has happened.....
-i have completed two masterpieces, hahaha. really, both of these art pieces make me feel like a demented asshole, but it's okay, i have two more pieces i'm not done w. yet and one that i have a good idea about.
-i received hard copies and electronic copies of the new magazine i am the managing editor for at work...finally, the first issue is finished. i also coordinated my first event at TU, successfully, and achieved a lot of other goals in my position that i won't elaborate on right now, that's kinda boring.
-i've received a total of $500 or so back from various sources
-a number of unfortunate events/falling outs: mandy...not getting started on this one. let's just say that she is the one i have the least amount of guilt on...never have i met such a liar and have been so enraged by it, seriously, i asked myself, 'do i want to have sex w. her? because i only get this mad when i want to have sex w. someone?' and ofcourse the answer was hellz no. so whatevs. josh...didn't come to my birthday gig, long story. karen...yet another long story, but weirdly enough, before shit went down and the trip to new orleans was cancelled, i had a dream that the same thing happened and was majorly bummed...i remember telling my coworkers just a few days before it happened...weird huh? ... steve...i have probably the second least amount of guilt on, i had to get him over me completely and being a total bitch was the only way to do that. i was not enjoying the 'friendship' we were maintaining after i broke off the pseudorelationship we had for merely two months, so i had to do something awful, to make him go away...so i did. i wish things could've ended more positively, but shit, i don't know how, without there being awkward feelings there from one of the two of us, plus i didn't and don't approve of how he treats people or himself for that matter, i think this about sums it up. and, oh, one tiny thing...not hearing from allan as much as i would like since his visit, (although i have nonetheless)...as selfish as that sounds, it's the truth, and it wears on me and kills my spirit sometimes, that is all i'm gonna say. overall, this list is all a lot of badness for me as when i think of it all, i feel like shit seriously, and in general...i hope to not have or feel so much badness in one month, socially or with friends, ever again cuz it totally blows.
-at the same time, a number of good things socially...better friendship with jess, growing closeness with dave...he is very supportive and understanding of a lot, sillyness with my coworkers/more social w. them, seeing and hearing from old coworkers, lots of awesome friends rolled up to my birthday/i got a lot of really neat and personal gifts, got back in touch with a number of people i hadn't heard from in awhile (too many to sit here and list), etc.
-my hair is getting longer, which is cool.
-getting my chaotic schedule in gear...i received a handheld pc/palm pilot for my birthday...this will def. help when making plans in general and esp. during crazy times of the year, workwise/eventwise.
-spend more time overall watching national news, while eating dinner after work... this is good because it gets my mind off work stuff, rather than getting all worked up (no pun intended) about it on the phone immediately after and i have a genuine interest on what the hell is up w. things, as discouraged as a lot of the news can make me at times.
things i want to do in the next day...
-get in touch with the following friends that i miss a lot/make attempt to at least: five of my old roommates, sherry, paul, and amanda...i think about all these people a whole fucking lot, wondering what they are up to/how they are doing and such, and although i saw a lot of my old roomies at my party, i don't talk to them enough.
-stop cursing myself for having dreams about the guy i was [still] dating this time last year, it's so weird! he's haunting me, ugh, i don't like it and it weirds me out because i don't care about him or want to talk to him at all! in fact, the thought really grosses me out. raichal is the only one to know this as i just admitted it today, ugh, barfo in general for realz.
-take some of my work clothes to the dry cleaners
-download my new norton antivirus package, i think my computer at home and the computer at work both have viruses...yeah, dangz.
-get that goddamn powerpoint for saturday night's reception ready for the deans to review
-buy new canvas, linseed oil, damar varnish, possibly gamsol, and some new brushes so i can start working on my next painting stat (it's gonna be so awesome, heeheeheeee).
-change yoyo's tank
things i want to do in the next month....
-stop beating myself up so much
-more artwork
-see more people that i care about more often, i'm so fucking lazy sometimes
-sign up for self defense courses
-write more ... for future publishing/book wise that is
-begin figuring out what i'm gonna do livingwise after december 1 (it will be here before we all know it).
-go to the dali exhibit with liz in philly. she is awesome
-read more books
-more things i'm probably too tired to remember.
and that is all. for now at least.
it's really interesting to think about how people evolve in life. i remember being a crazed teenager, skipping class to run around old ellicott city...my social life was everything. and it wasn't like i had to have it. i needed to have it. if i was home on a friday night, low and behold, i was cryin or feeling like i had no friends. now i couldn't give two shits what night i go out on or if i don't go out sometimes for a week or two in a row here and there. in college, i put a lot of myself in extracurriculars, while still maintaining what was important. my grades were more important to me, i seldom skipped class...i can go on and on this change, but still felt the need, after a bad break up with someone going into my last year, to be the center of attention or wear things that would grab people's attention. i had to be the sillyest. the smartest. the prettyest. and the best. i had to be someone everyone wanted to be around. this carried on until sometime last year, really leading up till about 6 months ago. if i was going through a by myself/depressive spot, i loathed the "scene" i loathed a lot of people i hold and held strong acquaintances with. i loathed so much. i think more importantly, i loathed because i didn't have inner peace. i've always have had a strong hold on who i am but nonetheless, i have really become more accepting of all that has happened to me and all that i have inflicted on others to the best of my ability. now when i go through more 'alone' spots, i don't care as much about things i loathed, it's almost like what the fuck for? there is so much that can be elaborated on, in this entire long paragraph, keep that in mind.
it's funny. lately, i either spend days on end socializing, doing whatevs. or days on end completely exhausted and sleeping. the last three weekends, half of them have been spent sick to some degree...i wear myself down so fast still thinking i'm a 17 yr old. but really, i've been hitting things hard since i was about 14 years old. when you spend that long drinking and smoking on and off...things start to wear down on you. you start to get bored with it easier and seek a balance. for me that balance has been my job/career, relaxing more often, doing art work, etc. let's see...in the past month the following has happened.....
-i have completed two masterpieces, hahaha. really, both of these art pieces make me feel like a demented asshole, but it's okay, i have two more pieces i'm not done w. yet and one that i have a good idea about.
-i received hard copies and electronic copies of the new magazine i am the managing editor for at work...finally, the first issue is finished. i also coordinated my first event at TU, successfully, and achieved a lot of other goals in my position that i won't elaborate on right now, that's kinda boring.
-i've received a total of $500 or so back from various sources
-a number of unfortunate events/falling outs: mandy...not getting started on this one. let's just say that she is the one i have the least amount of guilt on...never have i met such a liar and have been so enraged by it, seriously, i asked myself, 'do i want to have sex w. her? because i only get this mad when i want to have sex w. someone?' and ofcourse the answer was hellz no. so whatevs. josh...didn't come to my birthday gig, long story. karen...yet another long story, but weirdly enough, before shit went down and the trip to new orleans was cancelled, i had a dream that the same thing happened and was majorly bummed...i remember telling my coworkers just a few days before it happened...weird huh? ... steve...i have probably the second least amount of guilt on, i had to get him over me completely and being a total bitch was the only way to do that. i was not enjoying the 'friendship' we were maintaining after i broke off the pseudorelationship we had for merely two months, so i had to do something awful, to make him go away...so i did. i wish things could've ended more positively, but shit, i don't know how, without there being awkward feelings there from one of the two of us, plus i didn't and don't approve of how he treats people or himself for that matter, i think this about sums it up. and, oh, one tiny thing...not hearing from allan as much as i would like since his visit, (although i have nonetheless)...as selfish as that sounds, it's the truth, and it wears on me and kills my spirit sometimes, that is all i'm gonna say. overall, this list is all a lot of badness for me as when i think of it all, i feel like shit seriously, and in general...i hope to not have or feel so much badness in one month, socially or with friends, ever again cuz it totally blows.
-at the same time, a number of good things socially...better friendship with jess, growing closeness with dave...he is very supportive and understanding of a lot, sillyness with my coworkers/more social w. them, seeing and hearing from old coworkers, lots of awesome friends rolled up to my birthday/i got a lot of really neat and personal gifts, got back in touch with a number of people i hadn't heard from in awhile (too many to sit here and list), etc.
-my hair is getting longer, which is cool.
-getting my chaotic schedule in gear...i received a handheld pc/palm pilot for my birthday...this will def. help when making plans in general and esp. during crazy times of the year, workwise/eventwise.
-spend more time overall watching national news, while eating dinner after work... this is good because it gets my mind off work stuff, rather than getting all worked up (no pun intended) about it on the phone immediately after and i have a genuine interest on what the hell is up w. things, as discouraged as a lot of the news can make me at times.
things i want to do in the next day...
-get in touch with the following friends that i miss a lot/make attempt to at least: five of my old roommates, sherry, paul, and amanda...i think about all these people a whole fucking lot, wondering what they are up to/how they are doing and such, and although i saw a lot of my old roomies at my party, i don't talk to them enough.
-stop cursing myself for having dreams about the guy i was [still] dating this time last year, it's so weird! he's haunting me, ugh, i don't like it and it weirds me out because i don't care about him or want to talk to him at all! in fact, the thought really grosses me out. raichal is the only one to know this as i just admitted it today, ugh, barfo in general for realz.
-take some of my work clothes to the dry cleaners
-download my new norton antivirus package, i think my computer at home and the computer at work both have viruses...yeah, dangz.
-get that goddamn powerpoint for saturday night's reception ready for the deans to review
-buy new canvas, linseed oil, damar varnish, possibly gamsol, and some new brushes so i can start working on my next painting stat (it's gonna be so awesome, heeheeheeee).
-change yoyo's tank
things i want to do in the next month....
-stop beating myself up so much
-more artwork
-see more people that i care about more often, i'm so fucking lazy sometimes
-sign up for self defense courses
-write more ... for future publishing/book wise that is
-begin figuring out what i'm gonna do livingwise after december 1 (it will be here before we all know it).
-go to the dali exhibit with liz in philly. she is awesome
-read more books
-more things i'm probably too tired to remember.
and that is all. for now at least.