(no subject)
i was supposed to go see 7seconds tonite, but really, i don't wanna go. initially, i was excited as 7seconds was the first band i got into that completely rolled me into the punkrockhardcoremetal scene back in thaaaa day. i remember telling steve we totally had to go to this. i messaged sherry about it as she posted somethin bout it etc. but really, i don't want to re-live that memory right now. i don't want to remember some of the best days of my life.....as i've been emotionally tripping on those memories lately.
ever since shit has gone down w. steve, i've been missing chris so much more than "normal." whenever i'm getting close to a guy or dating one, it makes the pain of losing chris disintegrate. when they are gone, the pain magnifies. it's been that way for practically the past year and a half. i don't have chris to help me pick up the pieces and to remind me of how wonderful i am....i always feel shitty when things don't work out no matter how long or whatever...i always feel like i've failed. chris always knew how to make it not feel so bad with his persistent caring nature. even when things went down w. us, he didn't do what every other guy does when things aren't ideal, which is run away/be passive/not talk to me unless i talk to them first, etc. chris always initiated conversation, through good times and bad. with our friendship, more than friendship, acquaintanceship, whatever the deal, he never wanted me to think i went uncared about. i always knew he was thinking of me, even when he "hated me" he was in touch. i miss that -- i miss feeling good because of knowing that someone was thinking of me, like he did, almost (if not at most times) everyday. i seriously don't think a guy has cared about me since before chris died. if i was cared for, then i wouldn't feel this way. i would know it.
i don't blame sherry or i won't blame her, if she is upset w. me for not wanting to go tonite. as it's not like i only associate them w. this time of my life...i still listen to them from time to time. but i do hope, when i talk to her about this, that she may be able to understand. i'm down for any other outing. i just can't do it tonight -- i can't look back on those days with a smile, but more like a tear. i miss chris so much. i miss being extremely carefree. and i wish i didn't look back on things, like this, with so much pain, as i tend to do from time to time. it hasn't even been a year and a half, technically. so, i guess i shouldn't be so hard on myself...but i always am and always will be anyway.
ever since shit has gone down w. steve, i've been missing chris so much more than "normal." whenever i'm getting close to a guy or dating one, it makes the pain of losing chris disintegrate. when they are gone, the pain magnifies. it's been that way for practically the past year and a half. i don't have chris to help me pick up the pieces and to remind me of how wonderful i am....i always feel shitty when things don't work out no matter how long or whatever...i always feel like i've failed. chris always knew how to make it not feel so bad with his persistent caring nature. even when things went down w. us, he didn't do what every other guy does when things aren't ideal, which is run away/be passive/not talk to me unless i talk to them first, etc. chris always initiated conversation, through good times and bad. with our friendship, more than friendship, acquaintanceship, whatever the deal, he never wanted me to think i went uncared about. i always knew he was thinking of me, even when he "hated me" he was in touch. i miss that -- i miss feeling good because of knowing that someone was thinking of me, like he did, almost (if not at most times) everyday. i seriously don't think a guy has cared about me since before chris died. if i was cared for, then i wouldn't feel this way. i would know it.
i don't blame sherry or i won't blame her, if she is upset w. me for not wanting to go tonite. as it's not like i only associate them w. this time of my life...i still listen to them from time to time. but i do hope, when i talk to her about this, that she may be able to understand. i'm down for any other outing. i just can't do it tonight -- i can't look back on those days with a smile, but more like a tear. i miss chris so much. i miss being extremely carefree. and i wish i didn't look back on things, like this, with so much pain, as i tend to do from time to time. it hasn't even been a year and a half, technically. so, i guess i shouldn't be so hard on myself...but i always am and always will be anyway.