(no subject)
How long has it been? Weeks later and I'm staying at my in-laws' waiting for renovations to be over at the house we're renting in Portland. I'm frustrated. I've been trying to find out for two weeks where we're going and when we're going. Am I the only one who's trying to leave this place? How fucking long have I been working to move when I'm just bogged down by the illusion of love and happiness? It's amazing that even though I have no idea what I want, I know exactly what I do.
I know I'm co-dependent on Asia. Not at all in the financial aspect, if anything she's dependent on me, but emotionally it's too stressful to move to a place I've never been without anyone I know. It's the reason San Francisco never worked. And now, here I am, dooming myself to a failed domestic marriage: we own a dog together, we're both on the car insurance, we live in the same house and make plans years in advance. To tell the truth, I only play along to make her happy. And it's sick of me to lead her on like this, but there are days when I truly love her and I feel like I'm truly loved back. There are days when I'm happy. There are days when I don't regret what I'm doing. But those moments are fleeting, and looking out from behind rose colored glasses. And when everything bursts into figurative (or possibly literal) flames, I'm going to kick myself for not listening to my gut feeling.
I'm on a timeline, and that's something that I never wanted to have to live by, but I feel like the clock is ticking. I don't know what for. I take that back. I know I won't be young and capable for long. I don't ever want to wake up one day and realize I'm neck deep in a job I hate, in a relationship I'm miserable in (or single), and haven't done or seen half the things you should before you die. So basically, I'm qualifying for all of that criteria, not including the fact that I have time on my side - if I use it wisely. What if I get stuck? I am terrified of so many things. I am the most terrified that I will never be happy. I am afraid that I will die without knowing true happiness.
I pray that all the parts of me are intact when I finally hit the bottom.
I know I'm co-dependent on Asia. Not at all in the financial aspect, if anything she's dependent on me, but emotionally it's too stressful to move to a place I've never been without anyone I know. It's the reason San Francisco never worked. And now, here I am, dooming myself to a failed domestic marriage: we own a dog together, we're both on the car insurance, we live in the same house and make plans years in advance. To tell the truth, I only play along to make her happy. And it's sick of me to lead her on like this, but there are days when I truly love her and I feel like I'm truly loved back. There are days when I'm happy. There are days when I don't regret what I'm doing. But those moments are fleeting, and looking out from behind rose colored glasses. And when everything bursts into figurative (or possibly literal) flames, I'm going to kick myself for not listening to my gut feeling.
I'm on a timeline, and that's something that I never wanted to have to live by, but I feel like the clock is ticking. I don't know what for. I take that back. I know I won't be young and capable for long. I don't ever want to wake up one day and realize I'm neck deep in a job I hate, in a relationship I'm miserable in (or single), and haven't done or seen half the things you should before you die. So basically, I'm qualifying for all of that criteria, not including the fact that I have time on my side - if I use it wisely. What if I get stuck? I am terrified of so many things. I am the most terrified that I will never be happy. I am afraid that I will die without knowing true happiness.
I pray that all the parts of me are intact when I finally hit the bottom.