Forward Motion
I've been feeling rather stuck lately.
After last year, I felt like I'd never move forward again. But time does its thing and here I am, moving forward.
I've decided to stop worrying so much about exactly what I want to do with myself as far as careers and jobs are concerned. My job now is ok. It's easy and comfortable and I only work 35 hours a week and (barely) make enough to live off of. The best part about it is how much time I have. Time is valuable.
However, I've been filling it with things. Substances. Distractions.
I quit drinking a week ago. I've been a daily drinker (for the most part) for almost 6 years. I may not get drunk every day, but I certainly was having at least two drinks a day. Then occasionally I'd get really drunk. Like, pass out throw up drunk. At least once a month. It's gross to think about. What I think has been happening is that instead of controlling what I eat, I've been controlling how much alcohol I have. Even more recently I've begun binge drinking and then making myself puke because "it's for the best." Or some garbage like that.
So rather than worry about external things, I started with that. Chop that habit right out of my lfie. At least for a while. I don't think of myself as an alcoholic, but rather a person with an eating disorder who was self medicating with alcohol instead of facing difficult feelings. Instead of letting it get worse, I decided to just stop. So. 6 months (maybe longer) of not drinking. That's goal number one.
Today I quit smoking. I've got nicotine patches from the state's quit smoking program and a bunch of online resources for when I feel desperate. My friends are all also quitting, so that will be helpful. I just need to remind myself that even if they start smoking again, I can't. I'm not allowed. I've banned myself from smoking cigarettes.
I imagine removing alcohol from the equation will also help when it comes to smoking. A couple of beers in, and all I want is to chain smoke.
I will still smoke cannabis. I have found relief from mental and physical issues with marijuana, and I'm not going to pretend I don't. I don't smoke a lot, but enough to keep the anxiety and depression duo from taking over each day and to settle my nervous stomach. What can I say? It helps.
I feel good about making these changes. I feel good about looking inward and moving forward in areas of my life that I haven't felt like I have time to worry about. I have it now, and I'd much rather focus on shedding bad habits than how lost I feel in the world. Sometimes small, internal motion snowballs into bigger, life-altering motion.
I'm also getting headshots taken this Sunday by a friend of Chance's for a very low price. Chance is then going to help me create an acting resume. Even though it's small, I still have one. THEN he's going to send it all to his agent and see if she will take me on as a client. If she does, I'll most likely start auditioning for small roles for things shooting here in ABQ. I'm nervous more than anything, because failure. But at the same time, I'd rather TRY to follow this youthful passion and fail than never try at all. I'm just nervous to put myself out there as an artist. As an actor. I don't think of myself that way, but I am a story teller and by god I need to tell some stories. So I'm reentering the world of pipe dreams, and maybe something will come of it.
That's all for now I think. I need to be successful at this quit. I need to reframe myself as a non-smoker and a non-drinker. I have to somehow find other ways to define myself. Better ways. Ways that nourish me rather than leaving me depleated.
Here's to a new chapter in my journey!
After last year, I felt like I'd never move forward again. But time does its thing and here I am, moving forward.
I've decided to stop worrying so much about exactly what I want to do with myself as far as careers and jobs are concerned. My job now is ok. It's easy and comfortable and I only work 35 hours a week and (barely) make enough to live off of. The best part about it is how much time I have. Time is valuable.
However, I've been filling it with things. Substances. Distractions.
I quit drinking a week ago. I've been a daily drinker (for the most part) for almost 6 years. I may not get drunk every day, but I certainly was having at least two drinks a day. Then occasionally I'd get really drunk. Like, pass out throw up drunk. At least once a month. It's gross to think about. What I think has been happening is that instead of controlling what I eat, I've been controlling how much alcohol I have. Even more recently I've begun binge drinking and then making myself puke because "it's for the best." Or some garbage like that.
So rather than worry about external things, I started with that. Chop that habit right out of my lfie. At least for a while. I don't think of myself as an alcoholic, but rather a person with an eating disorder who was self medicating with alcohol instead of facing difficult feelings. Instead of letting it get worse, I decided to just stop. So. 6 months (maybe longer) of not drinking. That's goal number one.
Today I quit smoking. I've got nicotine patches from the state's quit smoking program and a bunch of online resources for when I feel desperate. My friends are all also quitting, so that will be helpful. I just need to remind myself that even if they start smoking again, I can't. I'm not allowed. I've banned myself from smoking cigarettes.
I imagine removing alcohol from the equation will also help when it comes to smoking. A couple of beers in, and all I want is to chain smoke.
I will still smoke cannabis. I have found relief from mental and physical issues with marijuana, and I'm not going to pretend I don't. I don't smoke a lot, but enough to keep the anxiety and depression duo from taking over each day and to settle my nervous stomach. What can I say? It helps.
I feel good about making these changes. I feel good about looking inward and moving forward in areas of my life that I haven't felt like I have time to worry about. I have it now, and I'd much rather focus on shedding bad habits than how lost I feel in the world. Sometimes small, internal motion snowballs into bigger, life-altering motion.
I'm also getting headshots taken this Sunday by a friend of Chance's for a very low price. Chance is then going to help me create an acting resume. Even though it's small, I still have one. THEN he's going to send it all to his agent and see if she will take me on as a client. If she does, I'll most likely start auditioning for small roles for things shooting here in ABQ. I'm nervous more than anything, because failure. But at the same time, I'd rather TRY to follow this youthful passion and fail than never try at all. I'm just nervous to put myself out there as an artist. As an actor. I don't think of myself that way, but I am a story teller and by god I need to tell some stories. So I'm reentering the world of pipe dreams, and maybe something will come of it.
That's all for now I think. I need to be successful at this quit. I need to reframe myself as a non-smoker and a non-drinker. I have to somehow find other ways to define myself. Better ways. Ways that nourish me rather than leaving me depleated.
Here's to a new chapter in my journey!