(no subject)
I've been doing a lot of thinking about radical acceptance.
It's something my last therapist brought up in regards to Dan. I had decided to just. . . let him have his shit. I'd been working so hard to change him, make it better for him, until I realized that all I accomplished was making him feel guilty for having feelings. It helped a lot.
But lately I've been wondering what it would be like to turn that same acceptance inward. I have always been a believer in doing the work to get better. I have done the work, and it helps. It's almost miraculous sometimes what having the right attitude will do. It sounds corny and gets a lot of flack, but in my experience it helps.
However, I think there are times when my "can do" attitude does get in the way. There are things about myself that are not easy to chage. There are pieces of me that will never be whole. Ugly things that will always be ugly.
On one hand that sounds fatalistic, even to myself. On the other hand, it's kind of empowering.
Sure, I've got some fucked up traits. Overall though, I'm pretty wonderful. Like, truly. I don't suck as a human being, generally speaking. And perhaps this self judgement, this idea that I should strive for perfection in every aspect of my life, is one of those parts that is ugly. Maybe by accepting that I can't "fix" every dent in my heart, I can also accept that the really wonderful, beautiful, shining parts of me are real, and good enough. That they can take up more space.
There's fear attached to it, sure. What if I end up lazy and I slip into harming myself, or the people around me. What if I stop being amazing because I stop trying so hard? What if accepting myself, as is, means I end up a failure? But I think this is just my anxiety talking, acting out. Becuase I'm trying to take it's power away. I'm tired from worrying so much about every little thing I do or say. It makes me sick, literally and figuratively. So fuck that. I'm over it. It doesn't mean I'm complacent, it means I trust myself. If not to do the right thing first, but to learn and do the right thing next time. I've learned a lot that way already and it seems to end up ok.
Anyway. I think I had this whole post in mind about self care and how I've been putting it off for too long, but then I was like, "Becky. You want to write something, and it's not about self care. Writing IS self care. Silly. Now get in there and do it!" So I did. And THAT is how to self care. Thanks Becky ;o)
It's something my last therapist brought up in regards to Dan. I had decided to just. . . let him have his shit. I'd been working so hard to change him, make it better for him, until I realized that all I accomplished was making him feel guilty for having feelings. It helped a lot.
But lately I've been wondering what it would be like to turn that same acceptance inward. I have always been a believer in doing the work to get better. I have done the work, and it helps. It's almost miraculous sometimes what having the right attitude will do. It sounds corny and gets a lot of flack, but in my experience it helps.
However, I think there are times when my "can do" attitude does get in the way. There are things about myself that are not easy to chage. There are pieces of me that will never be whole. Ugly things that will always be ugly.
On one hand that sounds fatalistic, even to myself. On the other hand, it's kind of empowering.
Sure, I've got some fucked up traits. Overall though, I'm pretty wonderful. Like, truly. I don't suck as a human being, generally speaking. And perhaps this self judgement, this idea that I should strive for perfection in every aspect of my life, is one of those parts that is ugly. Maybe by accepting that I can't "fix" every dent in my heart, I can also accept that the really wonderful, beautiful, shining parts of me are real, and good enough. That they can take up more space.
There's fear attached to it, sure. What if I end up lazy and I slip into harming myself, or the people around me. What if I stop being amazing because I stop trying so hard? What if accepting myself, as is, means I end up a failure? But I think this is just my anxiety talking, acting out. Becuase I'm trying to take it's power away. I'm tired from worrying so much about every little thing I do or say. It makes me sick, literally and figuratively. So fuck that. I'm over it. It doesn't mean I'm complacent, it means I trust myself. If not to do the right thing first, but to learn and do the right thing next time. I've learned a lot that way already and it seems to end up ok.
Anyway. I think I had this whole post in mind about self care and how I've been putting it off for too long, but then I was like, "Becky. You want to write something, and it's not about self care. Writing IS self care. Silly. Now get in there and do it!" So I did. And THAT is how to self care. Thanks Becky ;o)