Good job, you ate almost all of the sandwich!
Throughout life, I like to give myself encouragement. It's a skill I've picked up over time with the help of a few really great therapists. I also congratulate myself for doing things that are difficult. What is considered difficult or discouraging changes based on my mental state.
When things are going smoothly and I feel great, I congratulate myself for things like creating a beatiful meal or saving a little extra bit of money. On difficult days when I feel overwhelmed, and like I can't do anything I whisper things like, "You got this," "You are strong and it's going to be ok," or, "Good job, you ate almost all of the sandwich!" I really do that.
I've been better than I expected over the past few weeks. My heart has been heavy and I've been busy, but I've beek OK.
Just ok.
Never better than ok.
Currently my mental status is less than ok.
Not terrible, I don't want to be terrible. I'm fighting against the terrible, the blackness my mind wants to swallow it and hold me down for a while. It wants to. I don't want to let it.
Notice how I'm not saying, "I won't let it." Because. . . I honestly don't know what the outcome is going to be. I don't know if I'm going to be pulled under for a time or not. Right now, I'm utilizing every available cell in my mind NOT to let that happen.
But I'm tired. And I'm sick of being positive. I'm sick of remaining cheerful. I'm sick of smiling. I'm just. . . *sigh* I'm just sad and over worked.
I desperately want physical distraction. I don't want to think. I want to go swimming every day, run for days, and then have sex with the world. Oh, and I'd like to chain smoke and drink whiskey and cry while doing so.
BUT OF COURSE my stupid brain stops me from doing these things. Plus overwhelm too.
I'm not overwhelmed in the sense that I don't have time to do all the things I want to do, but rather that I don't have the emotional space to maintain the things I'm doing.
Then again. . . This pain, this agony of feeling too filled up, can be seen as a period of growth. Of course, I'm really sick of reframing things right now. I'm so fucking sick of doing hard things.
But hard things don't stop. And I am strong enough to do this. So, I can be sick of it and still take care of my shit. I can wake the fuck up and force myself to prepare something to eat, because I do actually want to take care of myself. THAT I want. I want it SO BADLY. So I will force myself to move my body, to drink the water, to smoke the weed, and to fucking GET SHIT DONE.
Man. See. I'm a lot less angry now. Becuase I basically just remembered that I'm a badass who can do any fucking thing she wants. Damn it. And I'm allowed to be sad and angry, and still keep going. It's no one's business if I give a fuck or not about anything. I'm realizing now that I'm anxious about going to rehearsal tonight, and I'm finding it hard to conceal the fact that I am SO OVER IT. SOVERIT. I'm afraid it's going to hurt people's feelings at the show. What I'm also realizing now is that I don't have to be super open to anyone I don't want to be right now, or ever. It's allowed, at any time, to say no to people about anything. So I'm suddenly more ok.
Ok. See. Good job for taking the time to write a bunch of confusing nonsense in LiveJournal Becky. That was a really good decison. Now hurry up, call is in half an hour. You gotta go :o)
When things are going smoothly and I feel great, I congratulate myself for things like creating a beatiful meal or saving a little extra bit of money. On difficult days when I feel overwhelmed, and like I can't do anything I whisper things like, "You got this," "You are strong and it's going to be ok," or, "Good job, you ate almost all of the sandwich!" I really do that.
I've been better than I expected over the past few weeks. My heart has been heavy and I've been busy, but I've beek OK.
Just ok.
Never better than ok.
Currently my mental status is less than ok.
Not terrible, I don't want to be terrible. I'm fighting against the terrible, the blackness my mind wants to swallow it and hold me down for a while. It wants to. I don't want to let it.
Notice how I'm not saying, "I won't let it." Because. . . I honestly don't know what the outcome is going to be. I don't know if I'm going to be pulled under for a time or not. Right now, I'm utilizing every available cell in my mind NOT to let that happen.
But I'm tired. And I'm sick of being positive. I'm sick of remaining cheerful. I'm sick of smiling. I'm just. . . *sigh* I'm just sad and over worked.
I desperately want physical distraction. I don't want to think. I want to go swimming every day, run for days, and then have sex with the world. Oh, and I'd like to chain smoke and drink whiskey and cry while doing so.
BUT OF COURSE my stupid brain stops me from doing these things. Plus overwhelm too.
I'm not overwhelmed in the sense that I don't have time to do all the things I want to do, but rather that I don't have the emotional space to maintain the things I'm doing.
Then again. . . This pain, this agony of feeling too filled up, can be seen as a period of growth. Of course, I'm really sick of reframing things right now. I'm so fucking sick of doing hard things.
But hard things don't stop. And I am strong enough to do this. So, I can be sick of it and still take care of my shit. I can wake the fuck up and force myself to prepare something to eat, because I do actually want to take care of myself. THAT I want. I want it SO BADLY. So I will force myself to move my body, to drink the water, to smoke the weed, and to fucking GET SHIT DONE.
Man. See. I'm a lot less angry now. Becuase I basically just remembered that I'm a badass who can do any fucking thing she wants. Damn it. And I'm allowed to be sad and angry, and still keep going. It's no one's business if I give a fuck or not about anything. I'm realizing now that I'm anxious about going to rehearsal tonight, and I'm finding it hard to conceal the fact that I am SO OVER IT. SOVERIT. I'm afraid it's going to hurt people's feelings at the show. What I'm also realizing now is that I don't have to be super open to anyone I don't want to be right now, or ever. It's allowed, at any time, to say no to people about anything. So I'm suddenly more ok.
Ok. See. Good job for taking the time to write a bunch of confusing nonsense in LiveJournal Becky. That was a really good decison. Now hurry up, call is in half an hour. You gotta go :o)