(no subject)
I'm having a pretty upsetting week. =(
On Tuesday I found out something horrible. I was talking to some of the kinda preppy girls from my year because I got put in a group with them for my latest drama performance, and I was getting along with them just fine until the topic of boyfriends came up. I started talking about Dave and how he ended up a horrible scratter who lives in a hotel, and then one of them went. "Wait. I think I've heard about him. Wasn't he much older than you?"
Fuck.
... Wrong David.
And in the next few seconds I realised that pretty much the entire year must have heard about this. Fucking hell. You hear bad stories about girls at high school being ... skanks ... but I didn't think *I'd* be the one with pretty much the worst story yet. That he was 22 and I was 14. That I stayed in a hotel with him then my parents found out and I never spoke to him again. Have I ever even mentioned just how ridiculously ILLEGAL the whole thing was? I've always been so ashamed of the truth. But the truth's out and nobody even matters.
I can't believe everybody knows about that.
I asked them when they had heard it, and they said it was a long time ago and they couldn't remember. It must've blown over by now anyway. The girl who mentioned it was just like "I dunno ... none of us wanted to say anything about it because we didn't know whether it was true or not. Don't worry about it. People spread shit about me all the time."
At least I feel some kind of comraderie with her now. When I previously viewed her as an orange-faced slut.
But that's what people must think about ME. Girls like me get no forgiveness in society. To adults, I've been molested, they feel like they should pity me. To my peers I'm just promiscuous. It's not fair. I'm neither of those things. Except I never tell the story to anybody so they never hear my point of view, and those who know just get kept with their first reaction it.
But yeah. Over lunch time I worked out what had happened. I only told my closest friends about what happened between me and David ... and ... only one of them would have told anybody else. I remember Kirky saying to me once that when you're in a relationship, you tell them everything. That was when he was going out with Claire.
I know he told her.
And she always hated me.
God, I don't blame him, I'm sure he meant no harm. He was naive about that relationship anyway. I think he thuoght it would last forever and he'd always be able to trust her. But if I had ANY say in what happened to me, I would have never let her know. She's a bitch. A shallow, heartless bitch. Her sole aim in life is to have as much material wealth as she possibly can. And she told everybody the story, not because I did anything to her, not because I was attempting to steal her boyfriend (even though she randomly hated me just for being friends with him) but because she wanted the thrill of telling gossip.
If I had known at the time that everybody was talking about it, I have no fucking idea what I would have done. I was depressed out of my mind anyway. I used to just sit at home on the stairs and do nothing for hours because I had nothing to do any more. It felt like I had died. I practically had. David used to be my life. And then suddenly he was gone.
BUT. It's worse than that. It was so much worse than losing a boyfriend, which is bad enough when you're 14 and it's your first long term relationship and you think you'll be with him forever. He was a sex offender. I was in deep shit. I had to stay awake wondering how long it would take for this to get to the police. If they had to take DNA swabs from me. If I had to make a statement in court.
I had to deal with all the shit with my family, all the awkwardness between me and Alice who had gotten involved, the embarrassment of having to let teachers know. And in the midst of all that the one person who I would have gone to to help me was gone. I had nobody.
I don't want to sound like I'm whining ... I'm really not. I don't think people understand just how horrible this was for me. I was in love with David but at the same time he had abused me. It messed me up. I was a wreck. The fact that this is getting drenched up again is making me feel awful. People honestly ... don't know what it's like to have been ... well. "Sexually abused". As much as I hate that phrase. And I'm contradicting what I just said about hating being pitied for it but that's only because I wish it hadn't happened. But. People don't understand what it does to you. If it never happened to you, you won't know.
It did happen to me.
And somebody just wanted to exploit my misfortune by boosting her own popularity and making me look terrible.
That makes me fucking sick.
So all this happened last March. Well, our relationship had been on-off (as is probably bound to happen with every relationship of that type) for about a year and a half and ended in March. I found out from Alice that people had been asking her about it at about May or June. And Kirky told me that he'd tried to make things right by telling the people Claire (his ex) told a different, much tamer story. But then she got into an argument about it and, in her own words, "set the story straight."
I want to kill that girl.
So yeah ... I think ... the rumours must have died down over the summer holidays, round about the end of Yr 10. Which is pretty much the same time that all the angst died down a bit for me. Oh god, I'm so grateful to my friends that they had the sense to not let me know then. It would have sent me over the edge. I feel kinda sick now that people must have looked at me and thought "THERE'S THAT GIRL WHO ..."
But. At least I don't care so much now. I had to find out sometime, I guess. But it just sucks to have things dredged up.
And strangely enough, I think. HE. Had some kind of inkling of this for some reason because! For the first time in MONTHS. I finally got to read something that gave an indication of how he feels about this whole thing. Something personal from him. When I had no idea where he was or how he felt at all.
*sigh* ... I got home after this happened, feeling dreadful, decided to go on the internet a bit later and was faced with that? Did NOT make things any better. You know that feeling when all the emotions come flooding back and ... ugh. I was crying for so long. He's so right about everything he put about me. He knows me so well. It's not fucking fair. I almost forgot what he was like. It made me want to talk to him so much.
But at the same time... He ruined my life and he's a criminal. I need to be away from him. He shouldn't have let me have ANY sign! He thought it was ok because I'm happy now - and I am - but I can't ever be happy about this. Or forgive him for what happened to me.
We've both got other people now anyway. I already had this figured out because I can find the clues, but ... it was just. Conclusive to actually know for sure. Rather than that nagging feeling. I don't mind too much, really. I would if I didn't have my own boyfriend but I just feel like less of a bitch now. Although I can't bear the thought of him sleeping with anybody else. And am trying to convince myself he doesn't. But if I do, then surely he must too. He's the adult. Some part of me wants to tell her what her boyfriend did to a 14 year old and got away with though.
But how could I ever justify a thing like that?
God. Thinking about this is all depressing. I don't want to sound depressed. I'm living so happily at the moment. But only because I have too much going on in my life to not be. And everything that's going on in my life right now is probably going to go in my collection of regrets a few months down the line. I don't know. None of this was ever my fault.
Bleh.
I'm so glad I get to see James tommorow. I haven't been able to see him all week because his dad's a psycho and saw he got a semi-bad school report and threatened to not let him do anything outside of school until he finished school. In June 2010. But now he's calmed down and is happy to have me over. At least my week will end well.
I am so lucky to have him.
On Tuesday I found out something horrible. I was talking to some of the kinda preppy girls from my year because I got put in a group with them for my latest drama performance, and I was getting along with them just fine until the topic of boyfriends came up. I started talking about Dave and how he ended up a horrible scratter who lives in a hotel, and then one of them went. "Wait. I think I've heard about him. Wasn't he much older than you?"
Fuck.
... Wrong David.
And in the next few seconds I realised that pretty much the entire year must have heard about this. Fucking hell. You hear bad stories about girls at high school being ... skanks ... but I didn't think *I'd* be the one with pretty much the worst story yet. That he was 22 and I was 14. That I stayed in a hotel with him then my parents found out and I never spoke to him again. Have I ever even mentioned just how ridiculously ILLEGAL the whole thing was? I've always been so ashamed of the truth. But the truth's out and nobody even matters.
I can't believe everybody knows about that.
I asked them when they had heard it, and they said it was a long time ago and they couldn't remember. It must've blown over by now anyway. The girl who mentioned it was just like "I dunno ... none of us wanted to say anything about it because we didn't know whether it was true or not. Don't worry about it. People spread shit about me all the time."
At least I feel some kind of comraderie with her now. When I previously viewed her as an orange-faced slut.
But that's what people must think about ME. Girls like me get no forgiveness in society. To adults, I've been molested, they feel like they should pity me. To my peers I'm just promiscuous. It's not fair. I'm neither of those things. Except I never tell the story to anybody so they never hear my point of view, and those who know just get kept with their first reaction it.
But yeah. Over lunch time I worked out what had happened. I only told my closest friends about what happened between me and David ... and ... only one of them would have told anybody else. I remember Kirky saying to me once that when you're in a relationship, you tell them everything. That was when he was going out with Claire.
I know he told her.
And she always hated me.
God, I don't blame him, I'm sure he meant no harm. He was naive about that relationship anyway. I think he thuoght it would last forever and he'd always be able to trust her. But if I had ANY say in what happened to me, I would have never let her know. She's a bitch. A shallow, heartless bitch. Her sole aim in life is to have as much material wealth as she possibly can. And she told everybody the story, not because I did anything to her, not because I was attempting to steal her boyfriend (even though she randomly hated me just for being friends with him) but because she wanted the thrill of telling gossip.
If I had known at the time that everybody was talking about it, I have no fucking idea what I would have done. I was depressed out of my mind anyway. I used to just sit at home on the stairs and do nothing for hours because I had nothing to do any more. It felt like I had died. I practically had. David used to be my life. And then suddenly he was gone.
BUT. It's worse than that. It was so much worse than losing a boyfriend, which is bad enough when you're 14 and it's your first long term relationship and you think you'll be with him forever. He was a sex offender. I was in deep shit. I had to stay awake wondering how long it would take for this to get to the police. If they had to take DNA swabs from me. If I had to make a statement in court.
I had to deal with all the shit with my family, all the awkwardness between me and Alice who had gotten involved, the embarrassment of having to let teachers know. And in the midst of all that the one person who I would have gone to to help me was gone. I had nobody.
I don't want to sound like I'm whining ... I'm really not. I don't think people understand just how horrible this was for me. I was in love with David but at the same time he had abused me. It messed me up. I was a wreck. The fact that this is getting drenched up again is making me feel awful. People honestly ... don't know what it's like to have been ... well. "Sexually abused". As much as I hate that phrase. And I'm contradicting what I just said about hating being pitied for it but that's only because I wish it hadn't happened. But. People don't understand what it does to you. If it never happened to you, you won't know.
It did happen to me.
And somebody just wanted to exploit my misfortune by boosting her own popularity and making me look terrible.
That makes me fucking sick.
So all this happened last March. Well, our relationship had been on-off (as is probably bound to happen with every relationship of that type) for about a year and a half and ended in March. I found out from Alice that people had been asking her about it at about May or June. And Kirky told me that he'd tried to make things right by telling the people Claire (his ex) told a different, much tamer story. But then she got into an argument about it and, in her own words, "set the story straight."
I want to kill that girl.
So yeah ... I think ... the rumours must have died down over the summer holidays, round about the end of Yr 10. Which is pretty much the same time that all the angst died down a bit for me. Oh god, I'm so grateful to my friends that they had the sense to not let me know then. It would have sent me over the edge. I feel kinda sick now that people must have looked at me and thought "THERE'S THAT GIRL WHO ..."
But. At least I don't care so much now. I had to find out sometime, I guess. But it just sucks to have things dredged up.
And strangely enough, I think. HE. Had some kind of inkling of this for some reason because! For the first time in MONTHS. I finally got to read something that gave an indication of how he feels about this whole thing. Something personal from him. When I had no idea where he was or how he felt at all.
*sigh* ... I got home after this happened, feeling dreadful, decided to go on the internet a bit later and was faced with that? Did NOT make things any better. You know that feeling when all the emotions come flooding back and ... ugh. I was crying for so long. He's so right about everything he put about me. He knows me so well. It's not fucking fair. I almost forgot what he was like. It made me want to talk to him so much.
But at the same time... He ruined my life and he's a criminal. I need to be away from him. He shouldn't have let me have ANY sign! He thought it was ok because I'm happy now - and I am - but I can't ever be happy about this. Or forgive him for what happened to me.
We've both got other people now anyway. I already had this figured out because I can find the clues, but ... it was just. Conclusive to actually know for sure. Rather than that nagging feeling. I don't mind too much, really. I would if I didn't have my own boyfriend but I just feel like less of a bitch now. Although I can't bear the thought of him sleeping with anybody else. And am trying to convince myself he doesn't. But if I do, then surely he must too. He's the adult. Some part of me wants to tell her what her boyfriend did to a 14 year old and got away with though.
But how could I ever justify a thing like that?
God. Thinking about this is all depressing. I don't want to sound depressed. I'm living so happily at the moment. But only because I have too much going on in my life to not be. And everything that's going on in my life right now is probably going to go in my collection of regrets a few months down the line. I don't know. None of this was ever my fault.
Bleh.
I'm so glad I get to see James tommorow. I haven't been able to see him all week because his dad's a psycho and saw he got a semi-bad school report and threatened to not let him do anything outside of school until he finished school. In June 2010. But now he's calmed down and is happy to have me over. At least my week will end well.
I am so lucky to have him.