I've got angst in my pants
I woke up this morning after a six-hour night of sleep (about twice as much as I've slept all week) and didn't want to get out of bed. Twenty minutes of fighting with myself later, I pulled my ass up and went to put my contacts in. I dropped the left contact and spent five minutes groping around on the floor for it. Already, the day has sucked and I've been awake for the length of a Full House rerun.
Then as I was slamming my dresser drawer shut, I scraped my finger against the top of the dresser and opened up a slowly healing wound, which immediately began gushing blood and I felt a renewed surge of hate toward the world, which can only be equalled by the world's apparent reciprocal hate for me.
I went to class and felt shitty. Then I ate lunch and watched a Stephen Fry/Hugh Laurie sketch comedy and felt slightly better - probably because the show distracted me and made me feel momentarily more removed from my situations. Then I curled up in bed, contemplated staying there and not going to work, got up ten minutes later, and went to work.
Then I curled up in bed again.
I went to the Open Forum tonight sponsored by OASIS, and all it did was make me more depressed. We ranted about Peabody and discussed and complained, but our frustrations didn't really accomplish anything. The only potentially interesting thing to come from the meeting was the idea of an environmentally conscious student Green Group, which I totally want to explore. But other than that, the forum just made me realize that not only do I feel shitty as an individual, but my living and academic environments are shitty as well, meaning I am perpetually mired in shit, basically.
I don't remember the last time I felt this awful. People here have changed, and I don't know whether it's me or them or my relationships with them, but there's just an unpleasant aura on the floor, and I hate it. I wish I could just concentrate on my instrument. If only it were that simple, right? But the truth is, I get so consumed by personal problems that everything good and productive in me shuts down and I become a useless shell of a human.
And all this after I've been back at school for all of five days.
...The general whiny, emo, teenage-angsty slant of this post does nothing to improve my spirits. I shouldn't have gotten out of bed this morning.
Edit: Four hours later ... forget all that shit I said above, things are looking up.
Then as I was slamming my dresser drawer shut, I scraped my finger against the top of the dresser and opened up a slowly healing wound, which immediately began gushing blood and I felt a renewed surge of hate toward the world, which can only be equalled by the world's apparent reciprocal hate for me.
I went to class and felt shitty. Then I ate lunch and watched a Stephen Fry/Hugh Laurie sketch comedy and felt slightly better - probably because the show distracted me and made me feel momentarily more removed from my situations. Then I curled up in bed, contemplated staying there and not going to work, got up ten minutes later, and went to work.
Then I curled up in bed again.
I went to the Open Forum tonight sponsored by OASIS, and all it did was make me more depressed. We ranted about Peabody and discussed and complained, but our frustrations didn't really accomplish anything. The only potentially interesting thing to come from the meeting was the idea of an environmentally conscious student Green Group, which I totally want to explore. But other than that, the forum just made me realize that not only do I feel shitty as an individual, but my living and academic environments are shitty as well, meaning I am perpetually mired in shit, basically.
I don't remember the last time I felt this awful. People here have changed, and I don't know whether it's me or them or my relationships with them, but there's just an unpleasant aura on the floor, and I hate it. I wish I could just concentrate on my instrument. If only it were that simple, right? But the truth is, I get so consumed by personal problems that everything good and productive in me shuts down and I become a useless shell of a human.
And all this after I've been back at school for all of five days.
...The general whiny, emo, teenage-angsty slant of this post does nothing to improve my spirits. I shouldn't have gotten out of bed this morning.
Edit: Four hours later ... forget all that shit I said above, things are looking up.