Midlife Crisis
I couldn't sleep last night.
This happens to me sometimes, more in the last few months.
I start thinking. I'm 38. I come from a family that lives a long time. Low end, I can expect to be alive for another 30 years. High end, 60.
And I have nothing to look forward to.
My life every day is good. I have a job I like, people I care about, decent health, a fine place to live. Most days are good. Most weeks are good.
But life is the same. The same and the same and the same.
I don't want anything. I don't have any goals. I'm a little person, with a little life, and most days that is enough for me. But 30 more years of this? 60? Why? What do I want? What can I want? I will never have a child. The children I spend so many of my days and nights taking care of are not mine. My primary partner is married to someone else, and although we all have a great family, I don't know if this will last forever.
The only thing I have ever worked for, ever planned for long term, is traveling, and I have discovered something terrifying as I get older. I don't want to do things alone anymore. I need someone to share my stories with. And I don't have anyone to do that with.
I've always known I don't have enough guts to end my life, so it's not like that. it's just a feeling of empty that hits in the night sometimes. I hope there's an answer somewhere inside. I've never felt like I needed a reason to live, a meaning to life--but this is eating up some part of me. I needed to write it out.
This happens to me sometimes, more in the last few months.
I start thinking. I'm 38. I come from a family that lives a long time. Low end, I can expect to be alive for another 30 years. High end, 60.
And I have nothing to look forward to.
My life every day is good. I have a job I like, people I care about, decent health, a fine place to live. Most days are good. Most weeks are good.
But life is the same. The same and the same and the same.
I don't want anything. I don't have any goals. I'm a little person, with a little life, and most days that is enough for me. But 30 more years of this? 60? Why? What do I want? What can I want? I will never have a child. The children I spend so many of my days and nights taking care of are not mine. My primary partner is married to someone else, and although we all have a great family, I don't know if this will last forever.
The only thing I have ever worked for, ever planned for long term, is traveling, and I have discovered something terrifying as I get older. I don't want to do things alone anymore. I need someone to share my stories with. And I don't have anyone to do that with.
I've always known I don't have enough guts to end my life, so it's not like that. it's just a feeling of empty that hits in the night sometimes. I hope there's an answer somewhere inside. I've never felt like I needed a reason to live, a meaning to life--but this is eating up some part of me. I needed to write it out.