Trouble in River City
Today's card: Devil's Play
I didn't even look at the picture today, because I thought "that's a weird card" Then I thought "Friends, the idol brain is the devil's playground."
El ministro suggested the other day that I go on a silent retreat, as I had said I was going to once a quarter. I told him no. I can't handle my own brain right now. To tell the truth, I rarely can. There is a reason I also carry a book and an ipod. And have 10 windows open on my computer. I can't be still. I can't stop doing, because then I start thinking. And thinking about myself is the enemy. Running the half marathon was rather easier than listening to my brain while I did it, since I couldn't find my ipod. It's why I need obsessions, because if I just let myself think I might start thinking about who I am and then I'll start crying and I may never escape. For a while I thought that if I really let myself go deep into it I might find a bottom--but either I won't let myself go until I find the bottom or it doesn't have one. I haven't decided yet which I think is true. If there is no bottom, then distraction is the best strategy, because giving in to what is in my head is just a trap. If there is an end to the falling from which I could crawl back up healthier, I should give in. At the moment I'm living halfway in between, and I'm not sure that that is any good at all.
I didn't even look at the picture today, because I thought "that's a weird card" Then I thought "Friends, the idol brain is the devil's playground."
El ministro suggested the other day that I go on a silent retreat, as I had said I was going to once a quarter. I told him no. I can't handle my own brain right now. To tell the truth, I rarely can. There is a reason I also carry a book and an ipod. And have 10 windows open on my computer. I can't be still. I can't stop doing, because then I start thinking. And thinking about myself is the enemy. Running the half marathon was rather easier than listening to my brain while I did it, since I couldn't find my ipod. It's why I need obsessions, because if I just let myself think I might start thinking about who I am and then I'll start crying and I may never escape. For a while I thought that if I really let myself go deep into it I might find a bottom--but either I won't let myself go until I find the bottom or it doesn't have one. I haven't decided yet which I think is true. If there is no bottom, then distraction is the best strategy, because giving in to what is in my head is just a trap. If there is an end to the falling from which I could crawl back up healthier, I should give in. At the moment I'm living halfway in between, and I'm not sure that that is any good at all.