Why I have the most wonderful fiance ever
First of all, did you know that fiance is a man and fiancee is a woman? How cool is that?
The other night el ministro and I had big plans to take the Staten Island Ferry. It was one of the major plans we had made at the beginning of the summer and posted prominently on our google calendar, a date night promise to ourselves. And I was so looking forward to it.
A story of communication:
And then...and then... Gemini and Scorpio, a local party producer, sent out their email outlining the weekend activities and right there at the top is the description of this amazing, crazy thing--a version of raiders of the lost ark reshot by a bunch of 12-16 year olds. http://www.cinephobia.com/raidadpt.htm Apparently they actually stage the submarine scene. And substitute a neighbors dog for the monkey. There is something magical about the idea, and as I poked around I realized that this is not a movie that can be seen just anywhere--the entire movie is an egregious copyright violation, so it can only be shown under very controlled circumstances, and has not, and probably never will, come out on DVD. And here it was, playing one night only, our date night, here in New York. I wanted to go.
I told el ministro, and he was not nearly as excited as I was. He was all psyched up to go on the ferry and have a nice romantic day and here I wanted to go see a movie made by 12 year olds. He said no, he didn't want to go see the movie, and I showed him how cool it was, but he wasn't excited; I called about getting tickets, to see if it was even a possibility, but the box office wasn't open yet. To go, you just had to wait in line. He didn't want to go. He said I could go alone, which I'm usually quite happy to do, but this time I knew I wasn't going to get much alone time with him and I had been looking forward to it. So I sort of grudgingly said okay while he went off to go take a shower and get ready for the trip to Staten Island. And I sat there and got sadder and sadder. I wanted to go to the movie. I wanted HIM to want to go to the movie! I wanted him to be as excited as I was, even though I knew that that was completely and totally unfair and ridiculous. But I was feeling sadder and sadder.
Finally I realized that yes, in fact, this was something that mattered to me. Mattered to me enough to be willing to stand up for it. Mattered to me enough that I was willing to risk conflict in order to go. I don't know why this thing, exactly, but not going was weighing on my heart. So I went in to el ministro and said "It's really important to me to go to this movie, and to go to it with you. Will you come with me?"
And he immediately said yes.
I called the theater and getting tickets turned out to be impossible, so we got dressed and went to Staten Island and had an absolutely beautiful trip on the ferry.
And this might seem like a normal interaction to those few of you with completely healthy upbringings, but let me tell you why it was so incredibly good for me.
When I wanted something and didn't get it, el ministro didn't give in to me, even though I was visibly upset, because it was something that he genuinely didn't want to do. This gives me confidence and hope, because sometimes he does things when I'm upset, and I worry that he's going to resent it later. I can't always help being upset, but I don't want him to change his mind just because I'm radiating that, just as I won't change my mind on something that matters unless he asks me to. I understand that sometimes he just wants to avoid conflict, as do I, and that is legitimate, but there have to be limits, and I have to know that he will draw a line and not do things to make me happy that will make him unhappy, because that gives me permission to be a little upset sometimes without having to hide it (which, let's face it, I'm pretty much incapable of doing anyway).
El ministro gave me time to clarify in my own head whether this was something that mattered greatly to me or not. I was slow, as I almost always am, in deciding whether it mattered; it would have been so much easier on him, I'm sure, to just give in and not watch me be unhappy, but the chance to sit with my feelings and get together the courage to ask for something that I wanted, just because I wanted it and not for any other reason, was precious and ridiculously hard.
And then, when it mattered, when I got me head and my heart together and screwed up my courage to ask for what I wanted, he said yes. No show, no complaining, just yes. Of course it won't be that way all the time. Of course someday we're going to disagree on something fundamental, and we'll work it out, as we have in the past, but just then, when he KNEW it mattered because I said, in words, not in childish pouting and ridiculousness that it mattered, he said yes. Because he wants to make me happy.
And like I said, this may seem like a small thing, but it's a big thing for me, to know, to be reassured, that communication is good, that we are both working to keep ourselves happy, that when it matters we both know how to say no--and yes.
The other night el ministro and I had big plans to take the Staten Island Ferry. It was one of the major plans we had made at the beginning of the summer and posted prominently on our google calendar, a date night promise to ourselves. And I was so looking forward to it.
A story of communication:
And then...and then... Gemini and Scorpio, a local party producer, sent out their email outlining the weekend activities and right there at the top is the description of this amazing, crazy thing--a version of raiders of the lost ark reshot by a bunch of 12-16 year olds. http://www.cinephobia.com/raidadpt.htm Apparently they actually stage the submarine scene. And substitute a neighbors dog for the monkey. There is something magical about the idea, and as I poked around I realized that this is not a movie that can be seen just anywhere--the entire movie is an egregious copyright violation, so it can only be shown under very controlled circumstances, and has not, and probably never will, come out on DVD. And here it was, playing one night only, our date night, here in New York. I wanted to go.
I told el ministro, and he was not nearly as excited as I was. He was all psyched up to go on the ferry and have a nice romantic day and here I wanted to go see a movie made by 12 year olds. He said no, he didn't want to go see the movie, and I showed him how cool it was, but he wasn't excited; I called about getting tickets, to see if it was even a possibility, but the box office wasn't open yet. To go, you just had to wait in line. He didn't want to go. He said I could go alone, which I'm usually quite happy to do, but this time I knew I wasn't going to get much alone time with him and I had been looking forward to it. So I sort of grudgingly said okay while he went off to go take a shower and get ready for the trip to Staten Island. And I sat there and got sadder and sadder. I wanted to go to the movie. I wanted HIM to want to go to the movie! I wanted him to be as excited as I was, even though I knew that that was completely and totally unfair and ridiculous. But I was feeling sadder and sadder.
Finally I realized that yes, in fact, this was something that mattered to me. Mattered to me enough to be willing to stand up for it. Mattered to me enough that I was willing to risk conflict in order to go. I don't know why this thing, exactly, but not going was weighing on my heart. So I went in to el ministro and said "It's really important to me to go to this movie, and to go to it with you. Will you come with me?"
And he immediately said yes.
I called the theater and getting tickets turned out to be impossible, so we got dressed and went to Staten Island and had an absolutely beautiful trip on the ferry.
And this might seem like a normal interaction to those few of you with completely healthy upbringings, but let me tell you why it was so incredibly good for me.
When I wanted something and didn't get it, el ministro didn't give in to me, even though I was visibly upset, because it was something that he genuinely didn't want to do. This gives me confidence and hope, because sometimes he does things when I'm upset, and I worry that he's going to resent it later. I can't always help being upset, but I don't want him to change his mind just because I'm radiating that, just as I won't change my mind on something that matters unless he asks me to. I understand that sometimes he just wants to avoid conflict, as do I, and that is legitimate, but there have to be limits, and I have to know that he will draw a line and not do things to make me happy that will make him unhappy, because that gives me permission to be a little upset sometimes without having to hide it (which, let's face it, I'm pretty much incapable of doing anyway).
El ministro gave me time to clarify in my own head whether this was something that mattered greatly to me or not. I was slow, as I almost always am, in deciding whether it mattered; it would have been so much easier on him, I'm sure, to just give in and not watch me be unhappy, but the chance to sit with my feelings and get together the courage to ask for something that I wanted, just because I wanted it and not for any other reason, was precious and ridiculously hard.
And then, when it mattered, when I got me head and my heart together and screwed up my courage to ask for what I wanted, he said yes. No show, no complaining, just yes. Of course it won't be that way all the time. Of course someday we're going to disagree on something fundamental, and we'll work it out, as we have in the past, but just then, when he KNEW it mattered because I said, in words, not in childish pouting and ridiculousness that it mattered, he said yes. Because he wants to make me happy.
And like I said, this may seem like a small thing, but it's a big thing for me, to know, to be reassured, that communication is good, that we are both working to keep ourselves happy, that when it matters we both know how to say no--and yes.