birthday reflections
I’m now 32 years old and grateful that I even reached this far in my life. Despite setbacks I am thankful for my life even at times I question my own existence and purpose. I’m thankful for my family, no matter how flawed they are they’re still my family. Sometimes I take it for granted that I was raised in a happy family, with both of my parents around and supportive of what I do (except if it’s in the wrong let’s say for example I doubt they would be encouraging me if I want to become a hired killer). My dad can be an ass most of the time but he’s a good man, he’s just too blunt and one of those people who hardly get angry. If he does get mad, we run like hell. He’s also unbelievably supportive in my graduate studies, even going as far to suggest topics for my thesis.
My dad is also the one who tells me not to worry too much about my lack of work and income. What’s important is I'm still alive and recovering from a lifestyle disease and fatigue associated with working eight non-consecutive years as a call center agent.
My mom’s sickly and depends on medicines so much, but she’s tough. I mean she gave birth to the four of us, all C-section (a woman can have a C-section thrice). She has given me advice that I normally ignored when I was in college and it’s a confidence booster being told that we can be trusted as we got older.
Both of them taught us that it’s okay to speak out (although in my case it’s an extreme version of it) because who knows if the other person was wrong or not? No parent would be insane enough to get angry if you’re right, unless you’re my sister-in-law.
My sister’s death made me realize that life is short and that anytime I can die. As my dad said it’s now how you were born, but how you were raise. My sister was an example of how she was raised going as far as reaching out to people society doesn’t give a shit.
But I’m not like her, nor will I ever be like her. Nor do I want to be like her. I don’t have her courage and a part of me says that I’m more useful alive.
How useful would be the question.
***
I had a dream last night that bugged me the entire time while I was in church (tradition: one goes to church during one’s birthday).
I dreamt about this guy I used to like/love whatever. We were going to a hotel and the rest was hazy.
Of all the men, why him? Two years ago, I was really attracted to him but the seven year age gap was a bit too much at the same time he has a girlfriend. Guys who are taken are hands off for me.
I brushed it off later on saying that it’s a case of reading josei manga the whole day yesterday.
I really need to go out more.
Despite my age, I still am a hopeless romantic because I want to fall in love and have an intimate relationship. But…
I’ll finish my master’s degree first.