A Big Day for Both Sides
I STARTED STUDENT TEACHING TODAY AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. We're gonna talk about that first.
So I got there CRAZY early. Now I know that the office opens up extra early which is nice for me to know. Also I generally will always show up at 8:00 now. Which is a lot easier for me to deal with.
So I'm there from 8-2. Which is a great amount of time to be there. 5 hours of real class-time stuff, and a prep period if I decide to stay because my teacher teaches PE 6th period.
Honestly I can't remember it at all because I was just so dazed by everything.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
And now it's actually the next day, because OF THE DRAMA THAT HAPPENED AFTERWARDS.
So yesterday, Kingdom Hearts 3 came out. A really important day for Victor. He's loved this game for years. He and Montsi haven't stopped talking about it. They gabbed about plans to go buy the game and all the fun things that would happen that day.
It was also my first day of student teaching. Like I said, at this point I don't remember anything because I was so darned tired afterwards. I went to give Victor his wallet, he left it in my car and I offered to take it to him. He then told me he didn't want me to go to any of the kingdom hearts stuff he was going to do. He said he just wanted it to himself. He didn't want to have to explain anything to me, or have to recap the story so far, but I could watch him and Montsi as they stream the game!
So here I am, fresh off a dizzying experience. And I'm told I'm not wanted. But he, Monsti and CAIT are gonna be there. I tell him I'm not really comfortable with him being alone with just Montsi there as a buffer. He says it's going to be a group thing. Then I see later on social media that it's not. It's him, Montsi, and Cait. The girl who is in love with him.
Now here's the problem. This is now two different issues smushed together.
Issue 1-
Being uninvited from any of the kingdom hearts stuff. Oh, excuse me, I was "never invited in the first place," as Victor so delicately put it to me. But here's the goddamn thing. If you wanna do something with someone without another person, YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT THAT EVENT TO THE PERSON NOT BEING INVITED.
He said "Do you even understand how important this is to me?" Yes, I fucking do. Of course I do. I want you to have as fun a time as possible. But that includes me not being involved?? That sucks. That's shitty. That's not fair. I want him to be involved with all the stuff I love. I GOT INTO WRESTLING SO THAT WE COULD SHARE SOMETHING TOGETHER. And it's not like I don't know about Kingdom Hearts. I wrote fucking Kingdom Hearts FANFICTION in middle school!!! I drew an OC to fit into the world. But no, because I don't play the game religiously, I'm suddenly a fucking burden??
This is all just me getting mad and venting. I can understand him wanting time to enjoy this game. He didn't start back at work until February so he could play this game.
But it's not like I'm not trying to support him. I'm trying to back away and not "bother him" like I have so many fucking times when he's wanted time to himself. I'm not starting conversations or asking him to call, or asking him to come over. I know most of his nights are gonna be spent with the whole Kingdom Hearts thing. FUCK I'm taking a loan out from my mom to BUY HIM A PS4 FOR HIS BIRTHDAY.
Like, that's support, right?
And here's the thing. The reason I'm trying to back off so much is that he's told me before. Not even before, he's told me very recently, that he gets upset when I "make my problems bigger than his." Which I don't think I do. I ask for help and he decides to help. If he can't help, if he doesn't want to, HE SHOULD MAYBE FUCKING SAY SO?? AND I'LL CALL SOMEONE ELSE YOU FUCKING MORON? And if his problems don't feel important enough, that's on him because he's not asking for help enough. (Which, admittedly, is exacerbated by the fact that I don't listen very well. This is a thing I need to work on. Side note, though, he could have told me when he wants me to listen. I asked him to make it obvious to me by showing a physical gesture when he wants me to listen intently, but he said that it was "stupid." It's not fucking stupid I'm asking for you to help me listen to you, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE.)
And here's the thing. All of this, the whole asking me not to get involved, feels very exclusionary to me. I never got to have a Playstation growing up because my brother was the gamer, and he chose to have an XBox. I played a couple of the games that were nteresting to me, but honestly? On the XBox platform? Nothing is really interesting to me. I played games when I could, when I felt involved, But UMMMMMM games have a way of EXCLUDING WOMEN???
And when I say, "it's not like I don't like Kingdom Hearts" he has the GALL to scoff at me. FUCK YOU. I remember wanting to try to make sea-salt ice cream for my friends, I remember reading the Kingdom Hearts manga. Did I stop paying attention to it? Totally, because I always felt excluded from the video game industry, I honestly aqcuired a complex about how fucking bad at games I am because of people yelling at girls like me.
And feeling like I don't belong is a deep wound. Yes, a lot of this is coming from me. He hit right on a pressure point when he said he didn't want me to come, but I could watch the stream. Like I fucking wanna do that. Even though I did join eventually because I wanted to see what the game was about, what the new story was.
But now seeing anything about Kingdome Hearts, a franchise I used to care about, is just reminding me of how my boyfriend didn't want to let me into his stupid little Kingdom Hearts club.
Issue 2-
Cait.
Listen. I'm not an idiot. I know Victor wouldn't cheat on me (it's pretty hard to cheat in an open relationship). I know that now that I've told him that I'm jealous of Cait he wouldn't do anything with her again.
And here's the thing. I know that it was just him, Montsi, and Cait because that's where they were picking the game up.
But I told him I'm not really comfortable with him being alone with Cait and just another person, and then he said it was going to be a group thing. He named two other people he thought were coming. And then they weren't there. He knew they weren't going to be there. He didn't want to deal with my jealousy, fine. But that means he lied to me.
I don't care much about him sleeping with someone else, as long as he tells me.
I care about lying.
And to me, that's what he did. He knew I'd be uncomfortable, he said "no it's a group thing" and then it was just a close friends kind of thing.
I'm not comfortable with that level of intimacy. I'm fine with friendly intimacy amongst friends who've never been romantically involved with one another. He could cuddle Montsi, touch Amanda Howard's boobs, or literally have SEX with Danny for all I care. But he and Cait have a romantic history.
CAIT IS NOT OVER HIM. Danny thinks so, other friends think so. Esther, an incredibly smart and astute woman, said it was OBVIOUS that Cait has feelings for him.
And here's the thing. He's seen Cait in these small group settings a solid amount of times without me. He and Cait are naturally flirtatious, whatever. But she's got feelings for him. And I fucking know it. And the way that Victor acts with people, with his friends, he makes people really feel like they're important to Victor. It's why I fell in love with him. He's an entrancing human. But it's not real, a lot of the time. It's not proper intimacy. He shares that only with a couple of people.
Victor is leading Cait on, period. He doesn't know he's doing it, she doesn't know he's doing it, hell she might not even understand her own feelings. But trust me, I've seen this before. I know what this looks like. And the only way to really help Cait is to keep her at a distance. Is to let her focus on herself and her growth. And that honestly means that Victor shouldn't be as close to her.
So that's what I want to talk to him about this Kingdom Hearts studd blows over.
Recap
I feel hurt and excluded. He thinks that he didn't have any part in this, that he didn't exclude me, but he really really did. It was shitty. He was shitty to me.
I want Victor to become conscious of the way he treats Cait and how close he lets her feel to him. She wasn't an important relationship to him, whatever. He was CLEARLY an important relationship to her. And this shit better get shut right the fuck down quick as a bunny. Because he lied to me about this shit, and I'm not okay with it. We'll talk about it later.
So I got there CRAZY early. Now I know that the office opens up extra early which is nice for me to know. Also I generally will always show up at 8:00 now. Which is a lot easier for me to deal with.
So I'm there from 8-2. Which is a great amount of time to be there. 5 hours of real class-time stuff, and a prep period if I decide to stay because my teacher teaches PE 6th period.
Honestly I can't remember it at all because I was just so dazed by everything.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
And now it's actually the next day, because OF THE DRAMA THAT HAPPENED AFTERWARDS.
So yesterday, Kingdom Hearts 3 came out. A really important day for Victor. He's loved this game for years. He and Montsi haven't stopped talking about it. They gabbed about plans to go buy the game and all the fun things that would happen that day.
It was also my first day of student teaching. Like I said, at this point I don't remember anything because I was so darned tired afterwards. I went to give Victor his wallet, he left it in my car and I offered to take it to him. He then told me he didn't want me to go to any of the kingdom hearts stuff he was going to do. He said he just wanted it to himself. He didn't want to have to explain anything to me, or have to recap the story so far, but I could watch him and Montsi as they stream the game!
So here I am, fresh off a dizzying experience. And I'm told I'm not wanted. But he, Monsti and CAIT are gonna be there. I tell him I'm not really comfortable with him being alone with just Montsi there as a buffer. He says it's going to be a group thing. Then I see later on social media that it's not. It's him, Montsi, and Cait. The girl who is in love with him.
Now here's the problem. This is now two different issues smushed together.
Issue 1-
Being uninvited from any of the kingdom hearts stuff. Oh, excuse me, I was "never invited in the first place," as Victor so delicately put it to me. But here's the goddamn thing. If you wanna do something with someone without another person, YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT THAT EVENT TO THE PERSON NOT BEING INVITED.
He said "Do you even understand how important this is to me?" Yes, I fucking do. Of course I do. I want you to have as fun a time as possible. But that includes me not being involved?? That sucks. That's shitty. That's not fair. I want him to be involved with all the stuff I love. I GOT INTO WRESTLING SO THAT WE COULD SHARE SOMETHING TOGETHER. And it's not like I don't know about Kingdom Hearts. I wrote fucking Kingdom Hearts FANFICTION in middle school!!! I drew an OC to fit into the world. But no, because I don't play the game religiously, I'm suddenly a fucking burden??
This is all just me getting mad and venting. I can understand him wanting time to enjoy this game. He didn't start back at work until February so he could play this game.
But it's not like I'm not trying to support him. I'm trying to back away and not "bother him" like I have so many fucking times when he's wanted time to himself. I'm not starting conversations or asking him to call, or asking him to come over. I know most of his nights are gonna be spent with the whole Kingdom Hearts thing. FUCK I'm taking a loan out from my mom to BUY HIM A PS4 FOR HIS BIRTHDAY.
Like, that's support, right?
And here's the thing. The reason I'm trying to back off so much is that he's told me before. Not even before, he's told me very recently, that he gets upset when I "make my problems bigger than his." Which I don't think I do. I ask for help and he decides to help. If he can't help, if he doesn't want to, HE SHOULD MAYBE FUCKING SAY SO?? AND I'LL CALL SOMEONE ELSE YOU FUCKING MORON? And if his problems don't feel important enough, that's on him because he's not asking for help enough. (Which, admittedly, is exacerbated by the fact that I don't listen very well. This is a thing I need to work on. Side note, though, he could have told me when he wants me to listen. I asked him to make it obvious to me by showing a physical gesture when he wants me to listen intently, but he said that it was "stupid." It's not fucking stupid I'm asking for you to help me listen to you, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE.)
And here's the thing. All of this, the whole asking me not to get involved, feels very exclusionary to me. I never got to have a Playstation growing up because my brother was the gamer, and he chose to have an XBox. I played a couple of the games that were nteresting to me, but honestly? On the XBox platform? Nothing is really interesting to me. I played games when I could, when I felt involved, But UMMMMMM games have a way of EXCLUDING WOMEN???
And when I say, "it's not like I don't like Kingdom Hearts" he has the GALL to scoff at me. FUCK YOU. I remember wanting to try to make sea-salt ice cream for my friends, I remember reading the Kingdom Hearts manga. Did I stop paying attention to it? Totally, because I always felt excluded from the video game industry, I honestly aqcuired a complex about how fucking bad at games I am because of people yelling at girls like me.
And feeling like I don't belong is a deep wound. Yes, a lot of this is coming from me. He hit right on a pressure point when he said he didn't want me to come, but I could watch the stream. Like I fucking wanna do that. Even though I did join eventually because I wanted to see what the game was about, what the new story was.
But now seeing anything about Kingdome Hearts, a franchise I used to care about, is just reminding me of how my boyfriend didn't want to let me into his stupid little Kingdom Hearts club.
Issue 2-
Cait.
Listen. I'm not an idiot. I know Victor wouldn't cheat on me (it's pretty hard to cheat in an open relationship). I know that now that I've told him that I'm jealous of Cait he wouldn't do anything with her again.
And here's the thing. I know that it was just him, Montsi, and Cait because that's where they were picking the game up.
But I told him I'm not really comfortable with him being alone with Cait and just another person, and then he said it was going to be a group thing. He named two other people he thought were coming. And then they weren't there. He knew they weren't going to be there. He didn't want to deal with my jealousy, fine. But that means he lied to me.
I don't care much about him sleeping with someone else, as long as he tells me.
I care about lying.
And to me, that's what he did. He knew I'd be uncomfortable, he said "no it's a group thing" and then it was just a close friends kind of thing.
I'm not comfortable with that level of intimacy. I'm fine with friendly intimacy amongst friends who've never been romantically involved with one another. He could cuddle Montsi, touch Amanda Howard's boobs, or literally have SEX with Danny for all I care. But he and Cait have a romantic history.
CAIT IS NOT OVER HIM. Danny thinks so, other friends think so. Esther, an incredibly smart and astute woman, said it was OBVIOUS that Cait has feelings for him.
And here's the thing. He's seen Cait in these small group settings a solid amount of times without me. He and Cait are naturally flirtatious, whatever. But she's got feelings for him. And I fucking know it. And the way that Victor acts with people, with his friends, he makes people really feel like they're important to Victor. It's why I fell in love with him. He's an entrancing human. But it's not real, a lot of the time. It's not proper intimacy. He shares that only with a couple of people.
Victor is leading Cait on, period. He doesn't know he's doing it, she doesn't know he's doing it, hell she might not even understand her own feelings. But trust me, I've seen this before. I know what this looks like. And the only way to really help Cait is to keep her at a distance. Is to let her focus on herself and her growth. And that honestly means that Victor shouldn't be as close to her.
So that's what I want to talk to him about this Kingdom Hearts studd blows over.
Recap
I feel hurt and excluded. He thinks that he didn't have any part in this, that he didn't exclude me, but he really really did. It was shitty. He was shitty to me.
I want Victor to become conscious of the way he treats Cait and how close he lets her feel to him. She wasn't an important relationship to him, whatever. He was CLEARLY an important relationship to her. And this shit better get shut right the fuck down quick as a bunny. Because he lied to me about this shit, and I'm not okay with it. We'll talk about it later.