Never The Right Time
Title: Never The Right Time 2/?
Author: walking_weapon
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: R-ish????
Summary: Will Callie ever say those three special words?
A/N: So this is my first post and I HATE LJcut but I think i eventually mostly made it work :P Also this is a bit off canon as I wrote it before 6x08 I hope you like it anyway. Finally, this isn't beta read because i don't have one so all errors are my own but hopefully there aren't too many.
You know that saying? The one that says ‘the best laid plans of mice and men oft go astray,” or something like that? Well I’m starting to get an all too vivid picture of exactly what that means. It’s been about two weeks since I almost made the biggest mistake of my life by nearly driving Arizona away. Thank God I had enough sense to realize what I was doing and to not only apologize but to explain and ask for help at being better. I promised myself that night after we’d made up that I would tell her I love her soon. Well it’s two weeks later and somehow ‘soon’ hasn’t come along yet.
So right now I'm standing outside my apartment building leaning against the cold concrete wall and shivering slightly in the light rain. Not how I planed on spending the night, especially with Christina is at Owens and both Arizona and I have tomorrow off. But instead of hot dirty things we’d fought and I’d stormed off, leaving her in my apartment oddly enough. I told her I was going out to clear my head but in reality I hadn't gotten past the front steps of the building. I couldn't. As soon as I’d gotten outside and the cool air and rain had hit me like I’d woken form a fog.
What was I doing? Why was I running? Suddenly I didn't know anymore and so here I am standing in the rain and shivering because while I couldn’t go anywhere I didn’t know how I could go back inside either. We were fighting because she was upset but wouldn't tell me why.
She’d seemed down for most of the last two weeks or so and at first I’d chalked it up to stress or a rough case. I knew it wasn’t about our fight and near break up because the first day or two after that things had been completely fine.
We’d woken up drained physically and emotionally the next morning so we’d both called in sick and just spent the day in bed resting and talking and making tender love… reconnecting. Plus I’d specifically asked her if that’s why she was down. She’d smiled softly and said no. Then I’d gotten a glimpse of my Arizona because she’d kissed me softly and told me I was learning. I smiled back and told her it was because I had a good teacher. That had been a week ago. I figured she'd eat her doughnuts and be fine, or maybe we'd dance it out over wine, but that didn't happen.
She still did her job and did it well, we still spent time together, and to everyone she seemed her usual perky self. Everyone but me. I knew better, I could see it in her eyes; their usual sparkle was missing. Her smile was a little less genuine and her laugh just a little bit hollow. Minor changes that no one would notice except me because, well for one that's my job, she's my girlfriend, but also because I notice everything about her, I love everything about her. So why couldn't she tell me what was bothering her? I’d let it go for about a week before bringing it up again tonight. She said she didn't want to talk about it and maybe I should have listened to her words and her body language, or even just her eyes that were screaming for me to let it go. But I hadn't let it go, I’d pushed and she'd pushed right back, yelling that it was none of my business why she was upset (at least she'd admitted to being upset). We’d both frozen then. Me out of shock that she could possibly say that, and her, well I think she was in shock she'd said it too.
That’s when I left; I just turned and stormed out the door. She called after me but I didn't react, I didn't want to hear it. How could she say it was none of my business? She is my business. I love her. Everything about her matters to me and when she's upset or hurting I hurt too. I never knew I could feel another’s pain as deeply as I feel hers until she came into my life and turned it upside down in the best possible way.
I sigh and sit on the front steps of my building. The rain is starting to come down harder now but I still don't give going inside much thought. I ran, again, what could I possibly say? As I sit staring out into the rain I wonder why Arizona hasn't come out yet, it's not like she's had much problem confronting me before. No she's always been very in my face when I start to freak out or try to run. She’s chased and pushed and pulled until I’ve seen reason or told her how I felt. But that's just it, she's always chased, she'd always pushed, she's always pulled. I used to wonder when she'd get sick of it and give up on me, but she never did. The terrifying thought that maybe she finally has dawns on me, and as it does I feel like a fool. Here I’ve been wondering how long it would take her to give up chasing when I shouldn't have been running in the first place. I am such a fool. I’m sitting outside my own apartment, in the rain, angry and frustrated and wondering why Arizona won't open up to me when she's been nothing but open from the start. It’s me who’s been closed off and frustrating and just downright infantile. I realize that this must be what she's felt over and over again when she dealt with one of my tantrums. It’s no wonder she's had enough. It’s no wonder she doesn't know that why she's upset is my business because I love her because I haven't told her.
The answers as to why I haven’t told her yet suddenly seem like the stupidest things ever. I’ve thought about doing it almost every day since I realized it was true. I’ve even come close a few times but it just never seemed like it was the right time.
“Wasn’t the right time? Ha!" I laugh bitterly. Now there may never be the right time because I haven't told her so many things. Sure over the last month or so I’ve tried to show her I care, especially these last couple weeks, but our lives being as crazy as they are there's only so much I can do. Surgeries and hospital drama have thwarted far too many attempts at coffee, on call room cuddle time, or attentive nights in. Besides Arizona is person who needs words, who deserves words. She deserves to be told how special and amazing she is. How she makes the world better, how she makes me better. Most of all she deserves to know exactly how loved she is.
Suddenly I feel like an idiot for not telling her everyday since I realized it that I love her. I feel like an even bigger fool for sitting out here in the rain when I could be upstairs in my apartment telling Arizona all the reasons why it is my business that she's upset. Why she's my business. Our conversation after our fight a couple weeks ago comes back to me in haunting detail. “I know you mean it when you say you’re sorry but one of these days Callie sorry isn’t going to be enough…” with those words ringing in my ears I stand and literally run inside praying that today isn’t that day. That that day never comes. That I haven’t lost my chance.
I’m out of breath by the time I make it to my door. It’s still closed, I assume from when I slammed it on my way out, and I pause before opening it. It suddenly occurs to me that she might not be there, that she could have left through any number of doors to avoid exiting the front of the building. As if the thought of Arizona not being on the other side of the door isn’t enough to make me start to panic it dawns on me that I have no idea what to say. I mean what am I going to do, apologize? Blurt out I love you? Beg? It hits me then that I will, I will do all those things and so much more if it means I get to keep Arizona. If she’s not there then I’ll find her because I can’t go another day without telling her I love you. I’ve already lost enough time and I just pray it hasn’t been too much. I just have to stop freaking out and panicking, I have to stop thinking and just trust what I feel and speak from the heart. Like Arizona said, I need to have a little faith.
So I take a deep breath and tentatively open the door, because as much as I know I have to do this I’m not sure I’m prepared for it. It’s dark and the only light is coming through the window from the streetlight outside. It’s not much but it’s enough for me to make to the counter and put my bag down. I’m terrified that she’s left but I force myself to head to my bedroom anyway. Briefly I wonder if this is what Arizona felt that night we fought a few weeks ago but it’s quickly banished when I arrive at my bedroom door. It’s open and I can clearly see that she isn’t on the bed but I walk inside anyway.
Fresh tears begin to flow but they’re silent ones. I stand there for a few minutes trying to absorb that she actually left. I guess she really did have enough and as much as it hurts I can’t say that I’m surprised.
Angrily I wipe away my tears and head back out to the living room intent on finding Arizona and fixing this mess because right now, right now I’m done. I’m done with freaking out and acting like a child and being an emotional cripple, but most of all I’m done with fear. I’ve been afraid for so long. Afraid of being gay, afraid of my father, afraid of my feelings….just afraid. And I’m done with it as of now. I need to start really my living life instead of living it in fear and the first step of that is finding Arizona. Maybe she won’t understand, maybe she won’t hear me, heck she may not even want to see me, but I have to try, I have to fight. I’ve been telling myself I’m not afraid of being in love with Arizona and that’s true, I’m not afraid, I’m terrified.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I have a disastrous track record with relationships. George was rushed and needy and blind. I rushed all in but I was blind to the fact that he wasn’t all in, that his friends came first and I was never going to be able to compete. Erica was new and exciting and scary. I panicked and freaked out and as I result I destroyed not only any chance we may have had but our friendship as well. Like I said I have a disastrous track record. It’s filled with me running and freaking out and being blind and afraid. But like I said I’m done, that track record ends now.
I reach the living room, my face set with new found resolve, and what I see stops me in my tracks. Arizona. Curled up in a tight ball on the couch, tear tracks streaking her face, which is tense even in sleep. The light coming in the window from street light makes her hair glow and I’m struck by how beautiful she is even now. It feels like things are in slow motion as I walk over to the couch and carefully sit down beside her before gently placing a hand on her shoulder to rouse her.
“Wha…” she mutters as she sits up groggily. She groans once she’s upright and I know she must be stiff from how she was sleeping.
“Here,” I say softly as I gently turn her so she’s sitting with her back to me. She sighs as I begin to massage her back and shoulders.“Thank you,” she whispers. Neither of us says anything for what seems like an eternity. I’ve long since stopped my massage and my hands are now just softly rubbing her shoulders. She sighs and leans back into my touch so I gently warp my arms around her, leaning back against the arm of the couch and settling her body against me. She sighs again and snuggles into me and I’m struck by how perfect this is, how right it feels. I glance down at the angel in my arms and I realize that she’s asleep. So much for talking it out tonight I guess, but then maybe it’s better this way. We both have tomorrow off so we can talk then when we’ve both had a good nights rest.
I contemplate carrying Arizona to bed but I’m exhausted and I’d probably end up dropping her, which would definitely not be good. Plus this just feels way too good. So instead I close my eyes and quickly drift off to sleep.
I wake to find Arizona sitting on the edge of the coffee table staring at me intently.“You came back,” she says softly.“Of course I did. Did you think I wouldn’t?” I ask as I sit up and face her.“I…I wasn’t sure. I was a pretty big bitch last night, actually for the last couple weeks. I thought you might have gotten sick of it.”“Well you have been acting pretty bitchy but I could never get sick of you Arizona. Besides, I seem to remember you coming back after I was a complete ass not so long ago,” I say with a soft smile.“Ya but-”“No, no buts. I need to say something. Actually a lot of something’s and I need you to just listen ok?” She looks at me uncertainly, her eyes searching mine to get a hint of what I might have to say. I make a conscious effort to let my walls down and try to let all my love show in my eyes. After a minute she nods. “Ok.”
“You know my track record with relationships, you know how broken and handicapped I am emotionally and you know what an idiot I can be. You knew most of that before you ever kissed me, but for some reason you kissed me anyway. Things haven’t been easy for us, you were right when you called me a newborn; I’m a newborn when it comes to relationships. My first instincts are to run, deflect or panic and I know that those are stupid, stupid things to do but I still do them. I freak out way too much and way too often. I don’t communicate well and I generally just all around suck when it comes to emotions.” I sigh and drop my gaze to the floor as painful memories of all the stupid hurtful things I’ve done run through my mind.
“So that’s it then? You’re giving up on us? I thought you said you could ‘never get sick of me’?” Arizona says angrily as she stands up. My head snaps up so fast I’m surprised I don’t get whiplash. What is she talking about?
“What? No!” I cry as I stand and grab her arm.
“Just let me go Callie, don’t draw this out any longer than needs to be.” My heart literally tears in two when she calls me Callie, she’s never called me that before and I didn’t realize until this moment how right it was that she cal me Calliope. Any other time I’d probably let got and accept defeat because as tough and take no prisoners as I may be at work when it comes to relationships and emotions I usually fold faster than a house of cards in a hurricane. I made up my mind last night though that that track record was over with so I don’t let go. Instead I grab her other arm and gently but firmly turn her around so she’s facing me. She’s shaking with the effort of holding back the tears I know she wants to cry and she refuse to look at me but I press on anyway.
“You’ve always chased, you’ve always pushed, you’ve always pulled…and I’ve always made you chase and push and pull to get be to see sense or open up to you. I was angry and frustrated last night when you wouldn’t open up to me but after I stormed out of here I realized that’s nothing to what I must have made you feel time and time again. I can never make up for that but I can try and change. This is the start of that, this is me not running anymore. I promised to ask for your help to be better with emotions and relationships, to not run, but I don’t need you help.” She looks up at then and the hurt expression on her face just about kills me so I quickly keep going.
“I don’t need your help because all I need is you. You make me better, you make me want to be better, and you make me feel, really truly feel for probably the first time ever. I look at you and I don’t know how I’d get through the day without you and I never want to find out. I look at you and I see my future. So no I won’t let you go because I can’t let you go. I’m here and I’m done running, and if you’re going to make me chase you then fine I will, I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you in my life.”
I almost say I love you then but something still holds me back, even now after everything I’ve just said. I know once I say it we’ll probably end up making mad passionate love, which is awesome, but there’s something I still need to know before we get so beautifully sidetracked.
My musing is interrupted when Arizona hugs me, clinging to me desperately as she breaks down sobbing. I hold her tight to my body and whisper soothing words in her ear. My heart breaks seeing her in such pain but I’m thankful to be here to hold her. I carefully guide us back to the couch and sit down cradling her in my lap and running a hand through her hair. I drop kiss on her forehead and keep whispering soothing words until she eventually calms.
She sits up and pulls out of my embrace, and though I feel bereft without her in my arms I know that she’s just trying to get some space to regain her composure.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers as she sniffs and wipes at her eyes.
“No,” I say softly as I reach up and wipe her tears away myself. “You don’t ever have to apologize for something like that. Ever.” I take her hands in mine and focus on them as I continue.
“You’ve been here for me through so much. Through my dad abandoning me, my money problems, George, the merger, my dad coming back…you’ve been there for me through it all. Not matter how hard I made it for you you were always there.” I look up and meet her gaze,“So now it’s my turn, now I get to be there for you. I know you’re hurting Arizona, I can tell in the thousand little ways that you haven’t been yourself for the last couple weeks. Your eyes don’t have their same sparkle did you know that? Or your laugh, it sounds the same to everyone else but I can tell it’s not from the heart. Please Arizona let me be here for you. Please?”
Arizona sniffs again and frees one of her hands to wipe at her tears again.
“It’s not about you. I just…I don’t want to burden you with my mess. You didn’t ask to be saddled with my baggage.”
“See that’s where you’re wrong, it is about me. You’re upset and hurting and that means I’m upset and hurting too. Being here for you isn’t a burden, I haven’t done it enough in the past but I’m going to change that. You’re not saddling me with anything by letting me help you. So please let me?” I’m pleading now but I don’t care I just want to take away her pain.
“Are you sure?” she asks.
“Yes,” I say, startled by the question.
“I mean are you really sure? Because I’ve never talked to anyone about this before, at least no one I’ve dated. Anyone whose been with me long enough to get to this point has always given up on me about now. I can take it if you walk away right now, it’ll hurt but I can take it. But if I open up about this and then you leave…I’m not sure I can take that. So are you sure you want to know?” I’m a little nervous by how serious and ominous she sounds but I don’t hesitate to respond.
“I’m not going anywhere. Yes I’m sure.”
Arizona gets up and starts pacing nervously and I want go to her and hold so badly my heart aches, but I know that this is something she has to do on her own. All I can do is be here to catch her.
About ten minutes later she’s still pacing and has yet to say anything. I can tell from her expression that she’s in pain and clearly doesn’t know where to start and it kills me. I don’t what hurts worse, that she’s hurting, or that I can’t do anything about it.
“Arizona,” I finally say. She looks up startled; like she forgot I was even there.
“I’m here to catch you. No matter what I’m here to catch you.” I say firmly and I hope she can see the sincerity in my eyes. She just stares at me for minute or two before nodding her head slightly and then slowly turning away and walking to stand and stare out the window.
“It’s not just tiny coffins that haunt me sometimes,” she suddenly says. I know she’s referring to the tiny coffins that the children she loses end up in. I found out about them the first night we spent together, the night of Alex and Izzie’s wedding. She’d woken up from one of her nightmares about them and I woken up as she was crawling out of bed. I’d been hurt because it looked like she was sneaking out to avoid the morning after. I was hurt because I thought that after everything we’d just been through with my father and me losing my trust fund and then panicking about being broke, I thought that we were on the same page about this being something, about it going somewhere.
My pride stinging I remember saying that I didn’t think I was that bad at the whole girl sex thing. She’d nearly jumped out her skin she was so startled and had quickly spun around. I’d just propped myself up on my elbows and stared her down. after a few seconds she’d snapped out of her shock and stuttered that it wasn’t that. I was feeling vulnerable though so I’d said that it didn’t matter, I’d see her at work and hoped she had a good night. She’d sighed then and come and sat down beside me on the bed. It’s then that I’d noticed her tears. It’s then that she’d told me about the tiny coffins and the nightmares she sometimes had. The nightmare where she’s falling from the top of the stack of tiny coffins of all the patients she’s lost. I’d gathered her into my arms and told that I’d catch her.
I’m brought out my reverie by Arizona’s voice. It’s low and hollow sounding and nothing like her usually sweet tone.
“You know about the tiny coffins. You found out about them way sooner then I wanted but that didn’t matter because you knew just what to say. Did you know that I don’t have nightmares anymore? Not since that night, not when I spend the night in your arms anyway. That’s why I can’t sleep when you work late.” She says with a small smile. It may be small but it reaches her eyes and I match it with one of my own at seeing that. I didn’t know but now that I do it warms my heart that I could do that, that I could take away that pain.
“I was at work when it happened, in surgery actually, so I didn’t find out until I got home after a 48 hour shift. My mom had called once she’d found out. I was living with my current girlfriend and she’d gotten the message hours before I got home but she didn’t call me or come to the hospital. She said she thought I wouldn’t want to find out at work or some bullshit like that. I actually broke up with her when I got home and found that out that’s how pissed I was. I mean how could she not know that I want to know something like that right away?” she sighs and I can tell she’s fighting to keep her composure. I don’t say anything not just because I know she isn’t finished but because I’m not quite sure what she’s talking about yet.
“My dad hadn’t left for the base yet, my mom and him were sharing their morning coffee when the notification came. My mom called me before she started crying. Can you believe that? That’s how strong she is. I guess she had to be that strong to marry a man like my dad, an army man, and to watch my brother leave for Iraq.” Suddenly I know exactly what she’s talking about and I still don’t know what to say. Thankfully she starts talking again giving me a chance to try and find some composure.
“Anyway after I got home, found out and broke up with Cheryl, funny my brother never did like her, I headed straight to my parents house. Everything after that is pretty much a blur but a few things really stick out in my mind. It wasn’t my mom crying or the notification sitting on the table that got, that made it real. It was my dad. My dad was just standing there with his hand on my moms shoulder and tears streaming down his face. I had never seen my dad cry before, never. So that’s when I knew that is was true, if my dad was crying then my brother really was dead.” She barely gets the last few words out before she breaks into tears again.
I start to stand up to go to her but she holds up her hand to stop me.
“No I, I need to get through this on my own.” She chokes out.
“Ok,” I sigh but my expression is nearly as pained as hers.
It takes a minute but she stems the flow or tears and starts speaking again.“I was numb, that’s how I coped. I was numb in that airplane hanger when his body came back. I was numb at the funeral when they handed us a flag. I was numb when I went back to work…I was just numb, I didn’t know how to deal so I just worked and went about the motions. When I got the offer to come head peds here at Seattle Grace I took it because I thought the change of scenery might help, and it did a little bit, but I was still so numb.”
She’s said most of this while staring at the floor but now she looks up at me and smiles. Not a small smile or sad smile but a huge ear to ear smile that reaches her eyes and shows those dimples I’m such a sucker for.“And then I met you.” She says softly. I gasp and even though I want to jump up and take her in my arms I don’t. I don’t because not only am I frozen in place by the emotion in her gaze, but also because I remember her earlier words about how she needs to get through this on her own. So I stay on the couch and settle for grinning back at her just as big.
Her smile slowly fades and I know she’s about to finish her story.“He’s been dead a year, the anniversary of his death was two weeks ago.”“Arizona,” I say softly, realizing exactly why she’s been hurting.“You had a tough case load that day and you’d lost a patient, I was waiting her for you. I’d stayed strong all day until I could break down in your arms but when you got home you just looked so exhausted, so fried that I just couldn’t add to the burden.”
I stare at her without really seeing her as I remember that day vividly. It had been a really bad day, one of those days you just want to over. I gotten home and been so glad that Arizona was there because I’d wanted nothing more than to curl up in her arms. We hadn’t talked much, instead we’d ordered takeout and gone to bed early.
I snap back into focus when I hear Arizona’s voice again.“After that there always seemed to be something that came up and so I just never told you. You have to believe that I wanted to, so many times, I never wanted to keep it from you. I just didn’t know how to do it and then time passed and I wasn’t sure you’d understand.” She’s crying again and this time I do get up and take her in my arms.
“Shh… I know. I know.” I whisper in her ear as I stroke her hair. When she’s clamed down enough I pull back and brush her hair away from her face. I duck my head in an attempt to meet her eyes but she refuses to look up. I cup her face in my hands and gently force her to meet my gaze.
“It’s ok Arizona. It’s more than ok actually. I know exactly where you’re coming from, well not about your brother exactly, but about the wanting to tell me something and not being able to. Truth is I have something to tell you too and I’ve been trying to tell you for close to a month and a half.”
“You’re not upset?” she asks looking at me surprised.
“What?” I ask in disbelief. “Why would I be upset? Because you didn’t tell me? I’ll admit that was upset about that but it was mostly because I knew you were hurting and you wouldn’t let me in, you wouldn’t let me help you. Now that I know I understand and I couldn’t be made at you if I tried.”
“Thank you,” Arizona says softly before leaning in to kiss me softly. “And I’m sorry for not opening up to you. I know it was incredibly unfair.” She adds when she pulls back.
I just smile and caress her cheek.“It’s ok-” I start to reassure her but she cuts me off.
“Don’t. Don’t say it’s ok if it’s not because-” this time I cut her off by placing two fingers over her lips.
“It’s ok. It. Is. Ok. I’m ok. We’re ok.” I say emphatically. “I said I wanted to know and I did. I said I’d always be here to catch you and I will. Don’t be sorry just promise you’ll lean on me next time. I can take it, I want to take it, and I want to be here for you. There is nowhere else I’d rather be.”
“You really mean that.” she says, looking at me in awe.
“Ya I do.”
“No one’s ever…cared that much before.” She says with that same awed look.
“That’s because I don’t care,” I say and watch in pained amusement as Arizona’s face falls and she stands is shocked silence clearly not expecting those to be the next words out of my mouth. I run a hand through her hair and let it come to rest on her neck as my other hand reaches for one of hers. “I don’t just care, I more than care. I love you. I’m in love with you.” I say with more emotion and truth than I have ever said anything in my entire life.
She just stands there still frozen in place and stares at me, her eyes wide, her mouth slightly agape. Suddenly all my fears and doubts come rushing back as I wonder why she’s not saying something, anything.
“Really?” she finally whispers, like she’s afraid she’ll wake up from a dream if she speaks any louder.“Yes.” She stares for a second more before pulling me into the most passionate kiss I’ve ever had. It’s so intense I can feel it from my hair down to my toes and I swear there must have been sparks when our lips met. When we finally part we’re both so desperate for air that we’re gasping. Once we’ve recovered our eyes meet and it’s so electric I don’t think I could look away even if I wanted to.“I love you too.” Arizona says softly, but with such feeling that I’m sure my heart just stopped for a split second. We stare into each others eyes for a few seconds more before out lips are crashing together and we’re stumbling in a tangled mess of limbs toward the bedroom.
Hours later we’re both exhausted from the most intense lovemaking we’ve ever had. I don’t know if it’s because of all the emotions we’ve so recently been through or if it’s because we said I love you, or if it’s just because it’s been a few days, but I’ve never felt so aroused in my life. It’s like I couldn’t get enough of her, and from the way Arizona was acting I’d be willing to bet she was feeling the same way. Now Arizona is asleep curled tightly against my side, her head pillowed on my chest and her arm and leg throw lazily yet possessively over my body. I’ve never wanted to be possessed so much in my life.
I kiss the top of her head before pulling the blankets up over us. I wrap my arms more firmly around Arizona and snuggle into the mattress a bit more. This whole love thing isn’t as terrifying as I thought it was.
The last conscious thought I have before I succumb to sleep is that wherever Arizona is, is exactly where I’m supposed to be because holding her in my arms is heavenly and I’ve never felt so complete.
Author: walking_weapon
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: R-ish????
Summary: Will Callie ever say those three special words?
A/N: So this is my first post and I HATE LJcut but I think i eventually mostly made it work :P Also this is a bit off canon as I wrote it before 6x08 I hope you like it anyway. Finally, this isn't beta read because i don't have one so all errors are my own but hopefully there aren't too many.
You know that saying? The one that says ‘the best laid plans of mice and men oft go astray,” or something like that? Well I’m starting to get an all too vivid picture of exactly what that means. It’s been about two weeks since I almost made the biggest mistake of my life by nearly driving Arizona away. Thank God I had enough sense to realize what I was doing and to not only apologize but to explain and ask for help at being better. I promised myself that night after we’d made up that I would tell her I love her soon. Well it’s two weeks later and somehow ‘soon’ hasn’t come along yet.
So right now I'm standing outside my apartment building leaning against the cold concrete wall and shivering slightly in the light rain. Not how I planed on spending the night, especially with Christina is at Owens and both Arizona and I have tomorrow off. But instead of hot dirty things we’d fought and I’d stormed off, leaving her in my apartment oddly enough. I told her I was going out to clear my head but in reality I hadn't gotten past the front steps of the building. I couldn't. As soon as I’d gotten outside and the cool air and rain had hit me like I’d woken form a fog.
What was I doing? Why was I running? Suddenly I didn't know anymore and so here I am standing in the rain and shivering because while I couldn’t go anywhere I didn’t know how I could go back inside either. We were fighting because she was upset but wouldn't tell me why.
She’d seemed down for most of the last two weeks or so and at first I’d chalked it up to stress or a rough case. I knew it wasn’t about our fight and near break up because the first day or two after that things had been completely fine.
We’d woken up drained physically and emotionally the next morning so we’d both called in sick and just spent the day in bed resting and talking and making tender love… reconnecting. Plus I’d specifically asked her if that’s why she was down. She’d smiled softly and said no. Then I’d gotten a glimpse of my Arizona because she’d kissed me softly and told me I was learning. I smiled back and told her it was because I had a good teacher. That had been a week ago. I figured she'd eat her doughnuts and be fine, or maybe we'd dance it out over wine, but that didn't happen.
She still did her job and did it well, we still spent time together, and to everyone she seemed her usual perky self. Everyone but me. I knew better, I could see it in her eyes; their usual sparkle was missing. Her smile was a little less genuine and her laugh just a little bit hollow. Minor changes that no one would notice except me because, well for one that's my job, she's my girlfriend, but also because I notice everything about her, I love everything about her. So why couldn't she tell me what was bothering her? I’d let it go for about a week before bringing it up again tonight. She said she didn't want to talk about it and maybe I should have listened to her words and her body language, or even just her eyes that were screaming for me to let it go. But I hadn't let it go, I’d pushed and she'd pushed right back, yelling that it was none of my business why she was upset (at least she'd admitted to being upset). We’d both frozen then. Me out of shock that she could possibly say that, and her, well I think she was in shock she'd said it too.
That’s when I left; I just turned and stormed out the door. She called after me but I didn't react, I didn't want to hear it. How could she say it was none of my business? She is my business. I love her. Everything about her matters to me and when she's upset or hurting I hurt too. I never knew I could feel another’s pain as deeply as I feel hers until she came into my life and turned it upside down in the best possible way.
I sigh and sit on the front steps of my building. The rain is starting to come down harder now but I still don't give going inside much thought. I ran, again, what could I possibly say? As I sit staring out into the rain I wonder why Arizona hasn't come out yet, it's not like she's had much problem confronting me before. No she's always been very in my face when I start to freak out or try to run. She’s chased and pushed and pulled until I’ve seen reason or told her how I felt. But that's just it, she's always chased, she'd always pushed, she's always pulled. I used to wonder when she'd get sick of it and give up on me, but she never did. The terrifying thought that maybe she finally has dawns on me, and as it does I feel like a fool. Here I’ve been wondering how long it would take her to give up chasing when I shouldn't have been running in the first place. I am such a fool. I’m sitting outside my own apartment, in the rain, angry and frustrated and wondering why Arizona won't open up to me when she's been nothing but open from the start. It’s me who’s been closed off and frustrating and just downright infantile. I realize that this must be what she's felt over and over again when she dealt with one of my tantrums. It’s no wonder she's had enough. It’s no wonder she doesn't know that why she's upset is my business because I love her because I haven't told her.
The answers as to why I haven’t told her yet suddenly seem like the stupidest things ever. I’ve thought about doing it almost every day since I realized it was true. I’ve even come close a few times but it just never seemed like it was the right time.
“Wasn’t the right time? Ha!" I laugh bitterly. Now there may never be the right time because I haven't told her so many things. Sure over the last month or so I’ve tried to show her I care, especially these last couple weeks, but our lives being as crazy as they are there's only so much I can do. Surgeries and hospital drama have thwarted far too many attempts at coffee, on call room cuddle time, or attentive nights in. Besides Arizona is person who needs words, who deserves words. She deserves to be told how special and amazing she is. How she makes the world better, how she makes me better. Most of all she deserves to know exactly how loved she is.
Suddenly I feel like an idiot for not telling her everyday since I realized it that I love her. I feel like an even bigger fool for sitting out here in the rain when I could be upstairs in my apartment telling Arizona all the reasons why it is my business that she's upset. Why she's my business. Our conversation after our fight a couple weeks ago comes back to me in haunting detail. “I know you mean it when you say you’re sorry but one of these days Callie sorry isn’t going to be enough…” with those words ringing in my ears I stand and literally run inside praying that today isn’t that day. That that day never comes. That I haven’t lost my chance.
I’m out of breath by the time I make it to my door. It’s still closed, I assume from when I slammed it on my way out, and I pause before opening it. It suddenly occurs to me that she might not be there, that she could have left through any number of doors to avoid exiting the front of the building. As if the thought of Arizona not being on the other side of the door isn’t enough to make me start to panic it dawns on me that I have no idea what to say. I mean what am I going to do, apologize? Blurt out I love you? Beg? It hits me then that I will, I will do all those things and so much more if it means I get to keep Arizona. If she’s not there then I’ll find her because I can’t go another day without telling her I love you. I’ve already lost enough time and I just pray it hasn’t been too much. I just have to stop freaking out and panicking, I have to stop thinking and just trust what I feel and speak from the heart. Like Arizona said, I need to have a little faith.
So I take a deep breath and tentatively open the door, because as much as I know I have to do this I’m not sure I’m prepared for it. It’s dark and the only light is coming through the window from the streetlight outside. It’s not much but it’s enough for me to make to the counter and put my bag down. I’m terrified that she’s left but I force myself to head to my bedroom anyway. Briefly I wonder if this is what Arizona felt that night we fought a few weeks ago but it’s quickly banished when I arrive at my bedroom door. It’s open and I can clearly see that she isn’t on the bed but I walk inside anyway.
Fresh tears begin to flow but they’re silent ones. I stand there for a few minutes trying to absorb that she actually left. I guess she really did have enough and as much as it hurts I can’t say that I’m surprised.
Angrily I wipe away my tears and head back out to the living room intent on finding Arizona and fixing this mess because right now, right now I’m done. I’m done with freaking out and acting like a child and being an emotional cripple, but most of all I’m done with fear. I’ve been afraid for so long. Afraid of being gay, afraid of my father, afraid of my feelings….just afraid. And I’m done with it as of now. I need to start really my living life instead of living it in fear and the first step of that is finding Arizona. Maybe she won’t understand, maybe she won’t hear me, heck she may not even want to see me, but I have to try, I have to fight. I’ve been telling myself I’m not afraid of being in love with Arizona and that’s true, I’m not afraid, I’m terrified.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I have a disastrous track record with relationships. George was rushed and needy and blind. I rushed all in but I was blind to the fact that he wasn’t all in, that his friends came first and I was never going to be able to compete. Erica was new and exciting and scary. I panicked and freaked out and as I result I destroyed not only any chance we may have had but our friendship as well. Like I said I have a disastrous track record. It’s filled with me running and freaking out and being blind and afraid. But like I said I’m done, that track record ends now.
I reach the living room, my face set with new found resolve, and what I see stops me in my tracks. Arizona. Curled up in a tight ball on the couch, tear tracks streaking her face, which is tense even in sleep. The light coming in the window from street light makes her hair glow and I’m struck by how beautiful she is even now. It feels like things are in slow motion as I walk over to the couch and carefully sit down beside her before gently placing a hand on her shoulder to rouse her.
“Wha…” she mutters as she sits up groggily. She groans once she’s upright and I know she must be stiff from how she was sleeping.
“Here,” I say softly as I gently turn her so she’s sitting with her back to me. She sighs as I begin to massage her back and shoulders.“Thank you,” she whispers. Neither of us says anything for what seems like an eternity. I’ve long since stopped my massage and my hands are now just softly rubbing her shoulders. She sighs and leans back into my touch so I gently warp my arms around her, leaning back against the arm of the couch and settling her body against me. She sighs again and snuggles into me and I’m struck by how perfect this is, how right it feels. I glance down at the angel in my arms and I realize that she’s asleep. So much for talking it out tonight I guess, but then maybe it’s better this way. We both have tomorrow off so we can talk then when we’ve both had a good nights rest.
I contemplate carrying Arizona to bed but I’m exhausted and I’d probably end up dropping her, which would definitely not be good. Plus this just feels way too good. So instead I close my eyes and quickly drift off to sleep.
I wake to find Arizona sitting on the edge of the coffee table staring at me intently.“You came back,” she says softly.“Of course I did. Did you think I wouldn’t?” I ask as I sit up and face her.“I…I wasn’t sure. I was a pretty big bitch last night, actually for the last couple weeks. I thought you might have gotten sick of it.”“Well you have been acting pretty bitchy but I could never get sick of you Arizona. Besides, I seem to remember you coming back after I was a complete ass not so long ago,” I say with a soft smile.“Ya but-”“No, no buts. I need to say something. Actually a lot of something’s and I need you to just listen ok?” She looks at me uncertainly, her eyes searching mine to get a hint of what I might have to say. I make a conscious effort to let my walls down and try to let all my love show in my eyes. After a minute she nods. “Ok.”
“You know my track record with relationships, you know how broken and handicapped I am emotionally and you know what an idiot I can be. You knew most of that before you ever kissed me, but for some reason you kissed me anyway. Things haven’t been easy for us, you were right when you called me a newborn; I’m a newborn when it comes to relationships. My first instincts are to run, deflect or panic and I know that those are stupid, stupid things to do but I still do them. I freak out way too much and way too often. I don’t communicate well and I generally just all around suck when it comes to emotions.” I sigh and drop my gaze to the floor as painful memories of all the stupid hurtful things I’ve done run through my mind.
“So that’s it then? You’re giving up on us? I thought you said you could ‘never get sick of me’?” Arizona says angrily as she stands up. My head snaps up so fast I’m surprised I don’t get whiplash. What is she talking about?
“What? No!” I cry as I stand and grab her arm.
“Just let me go Callie, don’t draw this out any longer than needs to be.” My heart literally tears in two when she calls me Callie, she’s never called me that before and I didn’t realize until this moment how right it was that she cal me Calliope. Any other time I’d probably let got and accept defeat because as tough and take no prisoners as I may be at work when it comes to relationships and emotions I usually fold faster than a house of cards in a hurricane. I made up my mind last night though that that track record was over with so I don’t let go. Instead I grab her other arm and gently but firmly turn her around so she’s facing me. She’s shaking with the effort of holding back the tears I know she wants to cry and she refuse to look at me but I press on anyway.
“You’ve always chased, you’ve always pushed, you’ve always pulled…and I’ve always made you chase and push and pull to get be to see sense or open up to you. I was angry and frustrated last night when you wouldn’t open up to me but after I stormed out of here I realized that’s nothing to what I must have made you feel time and time again. I can never make up for that but I can try and change. This is the start of that, this is me not running anymore. I promised to ask for your help to be better with emotions and relationships, to not run, but I don’t need you help.” She looks up at then and the hurt expression on her face just about kills me so I quickly keep going.
“I don’t need your help because all I need is you. You make me better, you make me want to be better, and you make me feel, really truly feel for probably the first time ever. I look at you and I don’t know how I’d get through the day without you and I never want to find out. I look at you and I see my future. So no I won’t let you go because I can’t let you go. I’m here and I’m done running, and if you’re going to make me chase you then fine I will, I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you in my life.”
I almost say I love you then but something still holds me back, even now after everything I’ve just said. I know once I say it we’ll probably end up making mad passionate love, which is awesome, but there’s something I still need to know before we get so beautifully sidetracked.
My musing is interrupted when Arizona hugs me, clinging to me desperately as she breaks down sobbing. I hold her tight to my body and whisper soothing words in her ear. My heart breaks seeing her in such pain but I’m thankful to be here to hold her. I carefully guide us back to the couch and sit down cradling her in my lap and running a hand through her hair. I drop kiss on her forehead and keep whispering soothing words until she eventually calms.
She sits up and pulls out of my embrace, and though I feel bereft without her in my arms I know that she’s just trying to get some space to regain her composure.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers as she sniffs and wipes at her eyes.
“No,” I say softly as I reach up and wipe her tears away myself. “You don’t ever have to apologize for something like that. Ever.” I take her hands in mine and focus on them as I continue.
“You’ve been here for me through so much. Through my dad abandoning me, my money problems, George, the merger, my dad coming back…you’ve been there for me through it all. Not matter how hard I made it for you you were always there.” I look up and meet her gaze,“So now it’s my turn, now I get to be there for you. I know you’re hurting Arizona, I can tell in the thousand little ways that you haven’t been yourself for the last couple weeks. Your eyes don’t have their same sparkle did you know that? Or your laugh, it sounds the same to everyone else but I can tell it’s not from the heart. Please Arizona let me be here for you. Please?”
Arizona sniffs again and frees one of her hands to wipe at her tears again.
“It’s not about you. I just…I don’t want to burden you with my mess. You didn’t ask to be saddled with my baggage.”
“See that’s where you’re wrong, it is about me. You’re upset and hurting and that means I’m upset and hurting too. Being here for you isn’t a burden, I haven’t done it enough in the past but I’m going to change that. You’re not saddling me with anything by letting me help you. So please let me?” I’m pleading now but I don’t care I just want to take away her pain.
“Are you sure?” she asks.
“Yes,” I say, startled by the question.
“I mean are you really sure? Because I’ve never talked to anyone about this before, at least no one I’ve dated. Anyone whose been with me long enough to get to this point has always given up on me about now. I can take it if you walk away right now, it’ll hurt but I can take it. But if I open up about this and then you leave…I’m not sure I can take that. So are you sure you want to know?” I’m a little nervous by how serious and ominous she sounds but I don’t hesitate to respond.
“I’m not going anywhere. Yes I’m sure.”
Arizona gets up and starts pacing nervously and I want go to her and hold so badly my heart aches, but I know that this is something she has to do on her own. All I can do is be here to catch her.
About ten minutes later she’s still pacing and has yet to say anything. I can tell from her expression that she’s in pain and clearly doesn’t know where to start and it kills me. I don’t what hurts worse, that she’s hurting, or that I can’t do anything about it.
“Arizona,” I finally say. She looks up startled; like she forgot I was even there.
“I’m here to catch you. No matter what I’m here to catch you.” I say firmly and I hope she can see the sincerity in my eyes. She just stares at me for minute or two before nodding her head slightly and then slowly turning away and walking to stand and stare out the window.
“It’s not just tiny coffins that haunt me sometimes,” she suddenly says. I know she’s referring to the tiny coffins that the children she loses end up in. I found out about them the first night we spent together, the night of Alex and Izzie’s wedding. She’d woken up from one of her nightmares about them and I woken up as she was crawling out of bed. I’d been hurt because it looked like she was sneaking out to avoid the morning after. I was hurt because I thought that after everything we’d just been through with my father and me losing my trust fund and then panicking about being broke, I thought that we were on the same page about this being something, about it going somewhere.
My pride stinging I remember saying that I didn’t think I was that bad at the whole girl sex thing. She’d nearly jumped out her skin she was so startled and had quickly spun around. I’d just propped myself up on my elbows and stared her down. after a few seconds she’d snapped out of her shock and stuttered that it wasn’t that. I was feeling vulnerable though so I’d said that it didn’t matter, I’d see her at work and hoped she had a good night. She’d sighed then and come and sat down beside me on the bed. It’s then that I’d noticed her tears. It’s then that she’d told me about the tiny coffins and the nightmares she sometimes had. The nightmare where she’s falling from the top of the stack of tiny coffins of all the patients she’s lost. I’d gathered her into my arms and told that I’d catch her.
I’m brought out my reverie by Arizona’s voice. It’s low and hollow sounding and nothing like her usually sweet tone.
“You know about the tiny coffins. You found out about them way sooner then I wanted but that didn’t matter because you knew just what to say. Did you know that I don’t have nightmares anymore? Not since that night, not when I spend the night in your arms anyway. That’s why I can’t sleep when you work late.” She says with a small smile. It may be small but it reaches her eyes and I match it with one of my own at seeing that. I didn’t know but now that I do it warms my heart that I could do that, that I could take away that pain.
“I was at work when it happened, in surgery actually, so I didn’t find out until I got home after a 48 hour shift. My mom had called once she’d found out. I was living with my current girlfriend and she’d gotten the message hours before I got home but she didn’t call me or come to the hospital. She said she thought I wouldn’t want to find out at work or some bullshit like that. I actually broke up with her when I got home and found that out that’s how pissed I was. I mean how could she not know that I want to know something like that right away?” she sighs and I can tell she’s fighting to keep her composure. I don’t say anything not just because I know she isn’t finished but because I’m not quite sure what she’s talking about yet.
“My dad hadn’t left for the base yet, my mom and him were sharing their morning coffee when the notification came. My mom called me before she started crying. Can you believe that? That’s how strong she is. I guess she had to be that strong to marry a man like my dad, an army man, and to watch my brother leave for Iraq.” Suddenly I know exactly what she’s talking about and I still don’t know what to say. Thankfully she starts talking again giving me a chance to try and find some composure.
“Anyway after I got home, found out and broke up with Cheryl, funny my brother never did like her, I headed straight to my parents house. Everything after that is pretty much a blur but a few things really stick out in my mind. It wasn’t my mom crying or the notification sitting on the table that got, that made it real. It was my dad. My dad was just standing there with his hand on my moms shoulder and tears streaming down his face. I had never seen my dad cry before, never. So that’s when I knew that is was true, if my dad was crying then my brother really was dead.” She barely gets the last few words out before she breaks into tears again.
I start to stand up to go to her but she holds up her hand to stop me.
“No I, I need to get through this on my own.” She chokes out.
“Ok,” I sigh but my expression is nearly as pained as hers.
It takes a minute but she stems the flow or tears and starts speaking again.“I was numb, that’s how I coped. I was numb in that airplane hanger when his body came back. I was numb at the funeral when they handed us a flag. I was numb when I went back to work…I was just numb, I didn’t know how to deal so I just worked and went about the motions. When I got the offer to come head peds here at Seattle Grace I took it because I thought the change of scenery might help, and it did a little bit, but I was still so numb.”
She’s said most of this while staring at the floor but now she looks up at me and smiles. Not a small smile or sad smile but a huge ear to ear smile that reaches her eyes and shows those dimples I’m such a sucker for.“And then I met you.” She says softly. I gasp and even though I want to jump up and take her in my arms I don’t. I don’t because not only am I frozen in place by the emotion in her gaze, but also because I remember her earlier words about how she needs to get through this on her own. So I stay on the couch and settle for grinning back at her just as big.
Her smile slowly fades and I know she’s about to finish her story.“He’s been dead a year, the anniversary of his death was two weeks ago.”“Arizona,” I say softly, realizing exactly why she’s been hurting.“You had a tough case load that day and you’d lost a patient, I was waiting her for you. I’d stayed strong all day until I could break down in your arms but when you got home you just looked so exhausted, so fried that I just couldn’t add to the burden.”
I stare at her without really seeing her as I remember that day vividly. It had been a really bad day, one of those days you just want to over. I gotten home and been so glad that Arizona was there because I’d wanted nothing more than to curl up in her arms. We hadn’t talked much, instead we’d ordered takeout and gone to bed early.
I snap back into focus when I hear Arizona’s voice again.“After that there always seemed to be something that came up and so I just never told you. You have to believe that I wanted to, so many times, I never wanted to keep it from you. I just didn’t know how to do it and then time passed and I wasn’t sure you’d understand.” She’s crying again and this time I do get up and take her in my arms.
“Shh… I know. I know.” I whisper in her ear as I stroke her hair. When she’s clamed down enough I pull back and brush her hair away from her face. I duck my head in an attempt to meet her eyes but she refuses to look up. I cup her face in my hands and gently force her to meet my gaze.
“It’s ok Arizona. It’s more than ok actually. I know exactly where you’re coming from, well not about your brother exactly, but about the wanting to tell me something and not being able to. Truth is I have something to tell you too and I’ve been trying to tell you for close to a month and a half.”
“You’re not upset?” she asks looking at me surprised.
“What?” I ask in disbelief. “Why would I be upset? Because you didn’t tell me? I’ll admit that was upset about that but it was mostly because I knew you were hurting and you wouldn’t let me in, you wouldn’t let me help you. Now that I know I understand and I couldn’t be made at you if I tried.”
“Thank you,” Arizona says softly before leaning in to kiss me softly. “And I’m sorry for not opening up to you. I know it was incredibly unfair.” She adds when she pulls back.
I just smile and caress her cheek.“It’s ok-” I start to reassure her but she cuts me off.
“Don’t. Don’t say it’s ok if it’s not because-” this time I cut her off by placing two fingers over her lips.
“It’s ok. It. Is. Ok. I’m ok. We’re ok.” I say emphatically. “I said I wanted to know and I did. I said I’d always be here to catch you and I will. Don’t be sorry just promise you’ll lean on me next time. I can take it, I want to take it, and I want to be here for you. There is nowhere else I’d rather be.”
“You really mean that.” she says, looking at me in awe.
“Ya I do.”
“No one’s ever…cared that much before.” She says with that same awed look.
“That’s because I don’t care,” I say and watch in pained amusement as Arizona’s face falls and she stands is shocked silence clearly not expecting those to be the next words out of my mouth. I run a hand through her hair and let it come to rest on her neck as my other hand reaches for one of hers. “I don’t just care, I more than care. I love you. I’m in love with you.” I say with more emotion and truth than I have ever said anything in my entire life.
She just stands there still frozen in place and stares at me, her eyes wide, her mouth slightly agape. Suddenly all my fears and doubts come rushing back as I wonder why she’s not saying something, anything.
“Really?” she finally whispers, like she’s afraid she’ll wake up from a dream if she speaks any louder.“Yes.” She stares for a second more before pulling me into the most passionate kiss I’ve ever had. It’s so intense I can feel it from my hair down to my toes and I swear there must have been sparks when our lips met. When we finally part we’re both so desperate for air that we’re gasping. Once we’ve recovered our eyes meet and it’s so electric I don’t think I could look away even if I wanted to.“I love you too.” Arizona says softly, but with such feeling that I’m sure my heart just stopped for a split second. We stare into each others eyes for a few seconds more before out lips are crashing together and we’re stumbling in a tangled mess of limbs toward the bedroom.
Hours later we’re both exhausted from the most intense lovemaking we’ve ever had. I don’t know if it’s because of all the emotions we’ve so recently been through or if it’s because we said I love you, or if it’s just because it’s been a few days, but I’ve never felt so aroused in my life. It’s like I couldn’t get enough of her, and from the way Arizona was acting I’d be willing to bet she was feeling the same way. Now Arizona is asleep curled tightly against my side, her head pillowed on my chest and her arm and leg throw lazily yet possessively over my body. I’ve never wanted to be possessed so much in my life.
I kiss the top of her head before pulling the blankets up over us. I wrap my arms more firmly around Arizona and snuggle into the mattress a bit more. This whole love thing isn’t as terrifying as I thought it was.
The last conscious thought I have before I succumb to sleep is that wherever Arizona is, is exactly where I’m supposed to be because holding her in my arms is heavenly and I’ve never felt so complete.