I wrote a novel but I'll post blurbs
I've been back in South Korea for nearly 3 months. In that time, I got a powerful crush, suffered a even more powerful case of pneumonia (my lungs and the South Korean winter are not compatible in anyway), was told that I was condescending, learned firsthand why you can't really have a confidant in a person you've known for two weeks, and am the unofficial bearer of office secrets and emotional upheavals.
I had another moment of crushing loneliness happen today, a wave of melancholia that surprised me by how strong and awful it was. As the custodian of my emotional vomit, I took care of the worst of the emo by writing. It was...a lot.
But the short digest version was: relationships are hard for me, platonic and romantic. They're harder when most of my friends are in America and it feels like the disconnect I wrote about obliquely last year - just got worse. I hate looking at the end of a friendship, even when I know it's a natural progression to some things. I just really felt it when I remembered the date and that I used to wish two people Happy Birthday on the date and I don't anymore -- and it's embarrassing when your emotional age is the exact reverse of your actual age. I'm an introvert and I have a hard time making new friends, so I hold on to the friends I have, sometimes much longer than I needed to, which was to my own detriment. And then I do stupid things like picking fights or petty little disagreements when all I really want to say is hey - I miss you. I miss normal. When I'm really afraid of hearing or confirming that the friendship was never that close anyway.
Growing out of interests, growing out of people - these shouldn't be painful, and for the most part they aren't - but then there's that sense of regret - that feeling of being unfinished. I'm one of those people who need resolutions, but that doesn't happen in life. Or at least not as tidily as it can in fiction.
Also - is being a judgmental bitch affecting my chances of happiness?
Magic 8 ball says yes.
I realized that I keep people at arms' length and that I've fractured my personality over the years to the point that no one really knows all of me. Not that it's a wise idea to expect just one person to understand or get me, I don't believe that in the soulmates (vomit) sense either, so I don't subscribe to that in friendships. I haven't really had a best friend since I was in grade school.
The downside of this is when I get into these emotional, exhausting, NEEDY suck pits, I can't pick up the phone and call one person - well, that and everyone is asleep, because my history with each of my friends is different. And sometimes I feel so lonely that I can't speak.
It is lonely here - but my work situation is a marked improvement over the stress inducing, tear-wringing, crapfest that was my first teaching gig, and I feel more confident about my teaching abilities as well. I tip my hat to the hard working teachers who have been doing this for much longer and better. I still don't think teaching is what I'm going to ultimately choose as my career, I still have other dreams I need to pursue, but last year and the past three months have opened my eyes to the possibilities it affords. And when you do affect a child (in a good way, obviously), it really is the best feeling.
Oh, and as a karmic aside - my former boss went to jail! For only six months (pity), but basically he'll have to start over again, as his name would be mud in the old neighborhood. Hotel Schadenfreude, I salute you.
But...yeah, I'm a shitty friend and I'm afraid of being vulnerable to people so I don't tell people that I'm interested in that I'm interested in them, even if it is just a lust induced Prince song of a situation (let's just say if words had been exchanged, it would have been like if I was dating Charlie Sheen. A total fucking mess in every way. Then again, I went through the confession, the dating, the making out, and the break up all in my own head.)
So today was not good. But hopefully tomorrow will be better.
I had another moment of crushing loneliness happen today, a wave of melancholia that surprised me by how strong and awful it was. As the custodian of my emotional vomit, I took care of the worst of the emo by writing. It was...a lot.
But the short digest version was: relationships are hard for me, platonic and romantic. They're harder when most of my friends are in America and it feels like the disconnect I wrote about obliquely last year - just got worse. I hate looking at the end of a friendship, even when I know it's a natural progression to some things. I just really felt it when I remembered the date and that I used to wish two people Happy Birthday on the date and I don't anymore -- and it's embarrassing when your emotional age is the exact reverse of your actual age. I'm an introvert and I have a hard time making new friends, so I hold on to the friends I have, sometimes much longer than I needed to, which was to my own detriment. And then I do stupid things like picking fights or petty little disagreements when all I really want to say is hey - I miss you. I miss normal. When I'm really afraid of hearing or confirming that the friendship was never that close anyway.
Growing out of interests, growing out of people - these shouldn't be painful, and for the most part they aren't - but then there's that sense of regret - that feeling of being unfinished. I'm one of those people who need resolutions, but that doesn't happen in life. Or at least not as tidily as it can in fiction.
Also - is being a judgmental bitch affecting my chances of happiness?
Magic 8 ball says yes.
I realized that I keep people at arms' length and that I've fractured my personality over the years to the point that no one really knows all of me. Not that it's a wise idea to expect just one person to understand or get me, I don't believe that in the soulmates (vomit) sense either, so I don't subscribe to that in friendships. I haven't really had a best friend since I was in grade school.
The downside of this is when I get into these emotional, exhausting, NEEDY suck pits, I can't pick up the phone and call one person - well, that and everyone is asleep, because my history with each of my friends is different. And sometimes I feel so lonely that I can't speak.
It is lonely here - but my work situation is a marked improvement over the stress inducing, tear-wringing, crapfest that was my first teaching gig, and I feel more confident about my teaching abilities as well. I tip my hat to the hard working teachers who have been doing this for much longer and better. I still don't think teaching is what I'm going to ultimately choose as my career, I still have other dreams I need to pursue, but last year and the past three months have opened my eyes to the possibilities it affords. And when you do affect a child (in a good way, obviously), it really is the best feeling.
Oh, and as a karmic aside - my former boss went to jail! For only six months (pity), but basically he'll have to start over again, as his name would be mud in the old neighborhood. Hotel Schadenfreude, I salute you.
But...yeah, I'm a shitty friend and I'm afraid of being vulnerable to people so I don't tell people that I'm interested in that I'm interested in them, even if it is just a lust induced Prince song of a situation (let's just say if words had been exchanged, it would have been like if I was dating Charlie Sheen. A total fucking mess in every way. Then again, I went through the confession, the dating, the making out, and the break up all in my own head.)
So today was not good. But hopefully tomorrow will be better.